The Geekado

The Geekado

or, The Town of Sunnydale

Libretto by Mariner

Music by Arthur Sullivan

Act 2

Scene: Giles' House.  Buffy, Willow, Xander and Anya are sitting around the coffee table doing research.

Read the ancient tome,
Research 'till we're blue.
Learn to feel at home
With Greek, and Latin too.
Learn to recognize
Spell and prophecy,
Strain your tired eyes
With calligraphy.
Careful research, well applied
Makes for better vampicide.

(typing on a laptop)
Surf the web all night,
Try to get a clue,
Search the Wiccan sites
For some spells to do.
Memorize some chants,
Meditate and pray.
It's a game of chance
That I love to play.
Magic, properly applied
Makes for better vampicide.

All: Read the ancient tome, etc...
Buffy: This is boring.  Why do we need to do all this research, anyway, it's not like we don't know what's going to happen.  Some monster will come to town, it will look unbeatable, the end of the world will loom, yadda yadda, and then I'll kick it's butt anyway.  It always happpens like that. That's why I'm the Slayer.
The vamps who shun the midday sun
And think themselves protected
Will find out fast
That their repast
Will not go as expected.
They think they might be safe at night,
But it is a misplaced trust;
A well-aimed flick
Of my pointy stick
Will turn them all into dust.

Their nighttime killing spree
Will not prevail,
The night belongs to me
In Sunnydale!

The demons who stray into light of day
Will not be more successful,
For they'll have found that I am bound
To make their lives more stressful.
They may terrorize the passerbys,
But they will always find
That I am quick
To thoroughly kick
Their demony behinds.

If they get out of line,
I'm on their trail.
The day is also mine
In Sunnydale!
Buffy: You know, I think this will be a good year for me.  I'm out of high school, I'm going to live in a cool big dorm room, kick ass, and have a major hottie for a boyfriend.  Life is good.

Anya: Yeah.  Too bad about Riley, though.

Xander: Anya...

Buffy: What do you mean?

Anya: Well, he did volunteer to be the center of the plot in order to date you.  That means all sorts of horrible, painful things are going to happen to him.

Xander: Anya, remember that talk we had last week about the concept of diplomatic silence?

Willow: Anyway, we don't positively know that something bad is going to happen.  Maybe it will be a nice, non-traumatic plot.

Anya: Yeah, right.  On this show?

Buffy: I can't believe you're even bringing this up!  Here I am, trying so hard to be cheerful, and you have to go and ruin it. (Starts crying.)

Enter Riley

Riley: Sorry I'm late, I-- Buffy!  What's wrong, why are you crying?

Buffy: Anya's been reminding me that you've volunteered to be the center of the plot, and horrible, painful things are going to happen to you! (Bursts into tears.)

Willow: Yes, horrible, painful things are going to happen to you! (Bursts into tears.)

Anya: It's true -- horrible, painful things are going to happen to you.(Bursts into giggles.)

Riley: (Aside, quietly.) You know, some guys would consider this a drawback in a relationship.  (Aloud.) There, there, honey, it'll be all right.  Sure, there will be some unpleasantness, but if I don't mind, why should you?  And think of all the lovely gratuitous sex scenes we'll get to have.

Buffy: (Sniffling.) You p-promise?

Riley: Absolutely.

Buffy: There will be smoochies?

Riley: Tons!

Buffy: And shirtlessness?

Riley: Say the word, and I'll burn every shirt I own.

Buffy: (Sniffling.) Then I guess it's okay.

Riley: See, I told you.  (To others.) Give us some privacy, please?

Exit Willow, Anya and Xander.  Buffy and Riley sit down on the couch and start necking.

Enter Giles, with box of donuts.

Giles: I'm back!  I can't believe you made me do the donut run when it's my ho--  Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Riley: That's all right, sir, we'll go somewhere else.

Giles: Oh, please don't leave on my account.  After all, your romance is now an integral part of the season.  If I'm to write the plot, I must get used to it.  Please, go back to what you were doing.

Buffy: We wouldn't want to embarrass you or anything.

Giles: Not at all.  Go on, let's see you kiss.

Riley: Like that? (Kisses Buffy.)

Giles: Perfect.  (Acts distraught.)  Oh dear, oh dear...

Buffy: We are embarrassing you.

Giles: No, really, I'm fine.  Keep going.  Try nibbling on her ear. (Riley nibbles on Buffy's ear.  Giles ostentatiously dabs his eyes with a handkerchief.) That's just lovely... Oh, you poor children!  I can't stand it!

Buffy: All right, Giles, spit it out.  What's wrong?

Giles: My poor girl!  I'm so sorry!  I just don't know how to break it to you...

Buffy: What is it, Giles?  Tell me.

Giles: There has been a new directive from The Powers That Be.  It appears that Buffy is only allowed to date vampires.

Buffy and Riley: What?!

Giles: (Much distraught.) It's true.  Any man you date, if he's not a vampire already, must be turned into one before the season is over.

Buffy: But-- but-- but we've already done that plot!  It's over!  And now you're saying Riley must be turned into a vampire?  I can't go through all that again!  I just can't!

Riley: I'm not crazy about it, either.

Buffy: The angst, the wallowing, the moping, the brooding... I refuse to deal with all that for another season!

Riley: Besides, I like daylight.  And church.  And food that doesn't bleed.  Oh, and not being dead -- I like that a lot, too.

Here's an awful fate:
If we start to date,
You will join the vampire lobby,
Evil will become your hobby,
Not a charming trait!
What an awful fate!

Here's appalling news,
If to date we choose,
I will wind up fanged and vicious,
Finding human blood delicious.
I am not enthused.
What appalling news!

Her's a bugger-all:
If in love they fall,
He'll be vamped by end of season,
So they dither with good reason,
What a judgement call!
Here's a bugger-all!

Buffy and Riley:
I enjoy your company,
And I find you hot,
But our romance proves to be
An unwelcome lot.
If what he says is true,
I can't go out with you.
Here's a truly awful fate,
Here's a bugger-all!

Buffy: Here's an awful twist of fate!

Riley: Here's appalling news!

Giles: Here's a bugger-all!

Giles:  I'm terribly sorry, I really am, but it's completely out of my hands.  You know how it is with directives from a higher authority.

Buffy: Well, I've had it!  If I'm not allowed to date normal guys, then I'm not going to date anyone at all.  I'm declaring celibacy.  For life.

Riley: Oh, well, back to brooding for me, I guess.  (to Giles) It's too bad about your plot, sir.  You'll have to find someone else now.

Giles: Now, wait a minute, you--

Enter Spike

Spike: Giles, get your tweedy ass out here!  Joss is on his way here right now, and he's got Maggie Walsh with him.  They want to see you!

Giles: Oh, no!  He must be coming to check on how the plot is progressing, and I haven't even started yet!  I'd better go see if I can stall him.

Exit Giles and Spike

Scene: UC Sunnydale Campus.  Enter a dancing chorus of FANGEEKS, STAFF WRITERS, and PRODUCERS, heralding the arrival of JOSS.

Chorus: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

All characters, high and low
I rule with an iron fist.
I'm the creator of the show--

And I'm this season's antagonist!
Bursting at the seams
With clever schemes
Is this season's antagonist!

My wry and caustic wit
Is difficult to resist--

And he shall tailor it to fit
This season's antagonist!
Applaud--  Applaud--
This season's antagonist!

My work's been widely praised
On many a critic's list--

And yet its level can still be raised
By this season's antagonist!
Applaud-- Applaud--
This season's antagonist!

Applaud-- Applaud--
This season's antagonist!

A more sadistic writer never
In Hollywood did thrive.
Of every hope
To succeed or cope
My characters I deprive.
It is my firm determination,
To which I steadily cling
To immerse my cast
In an ocean vast
Of horrible suffering.

My weekly show I run
With intent to astonish and stun,
And provide a source of sadistic fun,
A source of sadistic fun!
My razor wit I bring
To accomplish just one thing:
To spread the maximum suffering,
The maximum suffering!

My cute blond lead, though she may do well
In plain old everyday strife,
Will have no chance a
At a normal romance
For the rest of her natural life.
The redheaded witch, so sweet and shy,
Her spells will never work.
She may be clever,
But she will forever
Consider herself a dork.

The humorous sidekick, loyal and true,
Shall have no steady job.
He'll wind up bored
And mostly ignored,
And living like a slob.
The Ex-Watcher Guy with his tweedy clothes
Will lose his job and his car.
He'll be forced to croon
Outdated tunes
In a crowded espresso bar.

My weekly show I run
With intent to astonish and stun,
And provide a source of sadistic fun,
A source of sadistic fun!
My razor wit I bring
To accomplish just one thing:
To spread the maximum suffering,
The maximum suffering!

Chorus: His weekly show he runs, etc...

The werewolf dude, so quiet and calm,
Will not avoid dismay.
He'll return to his lover
In time to discover
She's swung the other way.
The British vamp, so sexy and cool,
He, too, shall feel my clout.
He'll be equipped
With a brainwashy chip
That keeps him from dining out.

The angsty vamp with a Gypsy curse,
His fate is truly unique:
He gets to dress gay
And live in L.A.
With a British Ex-Watcher Geek.
And there he'll work to redeem his soul
In the private detective trade.
He'll stay out all night
To brood and fight,
And never-ever get laid!

My weekly show I run
With intent to astonish and stun,
And provide a source of sadistic fun,
A source of sadistic fun!
My razor wit I bring
To accomplish just one thing:
To spread the maximum suffering,
The maximum suffering!

Chorus: His weekly show he runs, etc...
Enter Giles, Spike, and Willow

Giles: (To Joss.)  Your Geekiness!  What a delightful surprise!

Joss: Hello, Giles.  I've come to see how this season's plot is doing.

Giles:  Oh, it's coming along swimmingly!  Isn't it, Spike?

Spike: Yeah, it's bloody marvelous.

Joss: Is everyone suffering sufficiently, then?

Giles: More than sufficiently, Your Geekiness.  There is danger, angst, pain, and wallowing galore!

Spike: Blood and guts everywhere.

Giles: In fact, I'm sure every regular and most of the recurring characters will have complete nervous breakdowns just in time for sweeps.  You wouldn't believe all the suffering I've been spreading around.

Joss: Tell me about it, then.
It began with omens, gruesome and dark,
And a prophecy of doom.
Hope was a swiftly dying spark
When the shadows began to loom.
Apocalypse was upon us again,
The heavens trembled and shook.
Yet there was a way
To save the day,
And I found it in a book.
When faced with destruction,
Appropriate action
May not be easy to find,
And I'm happy to say,
I saved the day
With my calm and erudite mind.

We're telling you,
His tale is true,
To this we testify.
He's an honest man,
Nine times of ten.
He's far too British to lie!

The solution called for a difficult spell
That only I could cast.
'Twas far more dangerous, truth to tell,
Than any I've done in the past.
I knew that it was a terrible risk,
Yet one that I had to take.
As the darkness grew,
I knew what to do,
With so many lives at stake.
When life is a bitch,
A talented witch
Is a useful person to know.
And I humbly submit,
That bill I fit,
As I had a chance to show.

Her tale may seem
A twisted dream,
But we can all attest
Her honesty
Is of high degree,
Whenever she thinks it best.

In the meantime, back at the cemetery,
The night was starlit and hot.
With grace and skill extraordinary,
I was kicking Slayer butt.
She fought quite well,
But I could tell
I had the upper hand,
So generously,
I let her flee,
'Cause else the show would end.
A good villain knows
To stay on his toes,
And to have a contingency plan.
And he also must know
When to let it go,
Or else the whole show would end.

We know this vamp,
He is the champ
At sticking to the facts.
He'll sell his mum
For a pack of gum,
But his story is exact!

All: His story, his story, his story is exact!
Exit Chorus

Joss: Well, Giles, it certainly sounds as if you have the suffering well in hand.  I guess I can go back to--

Walsh: Liars!  (to Joss)  They're lying, oh Most Exalted Geekiness, and I can prove it! (Produces a thick stack of computer print-out from beneath her lab coat.)  Look -- I have downloaded all these shooting scripts from the web, and they're nothing but monster-of-the-week stories!

Joss: (Flipping through the print-out.) Monster-of-the-week!  How lame is that?  Explain yourself, Giles.

Giles: (Desperate.) Uhm... It's... Uhmm...

Spike: Foreshadowing!

Giles: Yeah, that's it!  Foreshadowing, and, uhm... lulling the cast into a false sense of security.  But the arc will kick in any moment now, and then we'll have all the angst you could possibly want, I swear.

Joss: See that we do.  Otherwise I'll have to cut short my vacation and take over the plot myself.  And I'll put the three of you at the center of it.

Giles, Spike and Willow: (groveling)  Oh, no, please, Your Geekiness, not that, anything but that! Mercy, please, we beg of you!

Joss: You want mercy from me?  You've gotta be kidding.  (Glaring at the three of them)  I want angst, people.  Now get to it.

Exit Joss and Maggie Walsh

Spike: You heard the man, Giles.  Get to it.

Giles: It's not that simple--

Willow: Yes, it is.  It's very simple -- either you write a plot, or Joss comes back from the beach and tortures us.  That's not complicated at all.

Giles: You must understand, plots -- especially proper Jossian plots -- don't just come out of thin air.  They take planning, and careful thought, and... and sadism.  I can't--

Spike: You can.  And you will.

Enter Buffy and Riley

Giles: Ah!  Just the two persons I was looking for!  (Confronts Riley.)  It's time to live up to your side of the bargain, young man.  Joss has ordered me to kick off the plot, so you must get to work.

Riley: There is no bargain.  Buffy has refused to date me if I'm going to turn into a vampire.

Giles: What does that have to do with anything?  You agreed to take the plot in exchange for my permission to date Buffy.  I gave my permission.  I made no promises at all regarding Buffy's views on the matter.

Riley: (Resolute.) No nookie, no plot.

Giles: You must go through with it!  Maggie Walsh has told Jo--

Riley: (Startled) Maggie Walsh?  She's here again?

Giles: Yes.  She has been named the antagonist for this year, and--

Riley: If Maggie Walsh is the antagonist, then I'm definitely out of here. I am not working with her for the rest of the season.  That woman creeps me out.  She's always following me around and groping my butt.

Buffy: Hey!  Only I'm allowed to do that!

Riley: Damn right.  (To Giles) Either Maggie goes, or I go.

Giles: How am I supposed to get rid of her?  She's the antagonist!

Spike: Kill her off.

Giles: I can't.  She's been approved for the season.  She can't be killed off without her consent.

Spike: You'll have to talk her into it, then.

Giles: Talk her into being killed voluntarily?  How am I supposed to do that?

Willow: You can do it, Giles, I have faith in you.

Riley: Look, the bottom line is, if you drop the vampire clause and get rid of Maggie, you're free to torture both me and the audience with whatever plot you come up with.  But if you don't, I'm out of here, and you'll have no plot and no love interest.  What do you think that will do for the ratings, huh?

The ratings that sweep in the spring, Tra-la!
Bring word of employment and wealth.
We cheer the renewal they bring, Tra-la!
As to each new season we cling, Tra-la!
To ensure our continued good health.
And that's why we care when we say that a thing
Is important to ratings that sweep in the spring.
Tra-la la-la-la!
Tra-la la-la-la!
The ratings that sweep in the spring.

The ratings that sweep in the spring, Tra-la!
Are not the main problem we've got.
For Joss has uncovered out sting, Tra-la!
And if a new plot I don't bring, Tra-la!
Our lives will get frightfully hot.
And that's what I mean when I say or I sing,
Oh, bugger the ratings that sweep in the spring!
Tra-la la-la-la!
Tra-la la-la-la!
The ratings that sweep in the spring.
Exit Giles, Spike, Willow, Buffy and Riley, dancing

Enter Maggie Walsh
I want a bigger part, with better lines!
On the small screen I want a chance to shine.
I only need two things, if truth be known,
A plotline, and a boy toy of my own.

A strapping lad
Who's been corn-fed
Would keep me glad
Through night and day.
A decent chance
At a romance
Would much enhance
My wish to stay.
And if I stay
And get my way,
The plot will be
Focused on me,
And Teutonic Boy
Will be my toy.
Yes, if I stay,
And get my way,
The plot will be
Focused on me!

Oh, it will be a happy day,
Yes it will be a happy day!
Enter Giles.

Giles: Professor Walsh!  I was just looking for you.

Walsh: What are you doing here?  You're supposed to be working on the plot. With lots of torrid love scenes between me and Riley.

Giles: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.  You see, I'm afraid that Riley is, well... gone.

Walsh: Gone?  What do you mean, gone?  You were going to center the whole arc on him!

Giles: That was the plan, yes.  But he refused the vampire clause, and The Powers That Be decided to get rid of him.  There was nothing I could do. I'm so dreadfully sorry.

Walsh: You don't mean he's... dead?  (Weeping.) Oh, my poor boy toy!

Giles: Well, not dead, precisely...

Walsh: What then?  Tell me!

The Slayer had gone out patrolling last night
With Willow, with Willow, with Willow,
Whereupon she encountered a horrible sight,
As did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.
Six vamps had converged on a cemet'ry lawn,
And Riley was fighting them off all alone,
"He barely appears to be holding his own,"
Said Willow, said Willow, said Willow.

The Slayer rushed in with a whoop and a yelp,
But not Willow, not Willow, not Willow.
She hung back to determine how best she could help,
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.
As she watched Buffy fighting the vamps with her stake,
She decided some magical action to take,
And that's how she commited her awful mistake,
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.

She lifted her arms and she chanted a spell,
Did Willow, did Willow, did Willow.
She cast it just right, and it worked really well
For Willow, for Willow, for Willow.
But the vamps had run off with a scream and a hoot,
And Riley had gotten too close in pursuit,
And he ended up getting turned into a newt
By Willow, by Willow, by Willow.
Walsh: (Weeping.)  Oh, that's terrible!  Can't he be turned back?

Giles: In theory, yes.  In practice... how long has Amy been a rat now?

Walsh: But what am I going to do now?  I had hoped for a torrid love triangle with myself, Riley and Buffy.  With Riley gone... what else is there for me to do?

Giles: Well... you could always go for a dramatic sudden death.

Walsh: What, this early in the season?

Giles:  Sure.  No one will be expecting it.  It will be a tremendous shock. People will remember your death forever.

Walsh: True, true.

Giles: And the actress playing you would be free to work on other projects.

Walsh: Also true.

Giles: I promise to give you a thundering good death scene.  You'll get a parting monologue and everything.  The audience will love it.

Walsh: It could work, I suppose...
There is drama in an unexpected death.
It's a ploy that makes the audiences gasp.
There is viewer excitation
In a sudden termination,
That's a concept every character must grasp.

Ooh, I shiver in elation
At a sudden termination,
It's a concept that's not difficult to grasp.

There's excitement in a premature demise,
It's a wonderful attention-grabbing trick.
It has worked in every season,
I can cite many a reason
Why a character might wish to perish quick.

It's a widely held position
That a character's condition
Might be actually improved by dying quick.

Giles and Walsh:
Since that is so,
Let's be bold and dramatic,
Do something emphatic
To make them shout.
We'll give this show
A death that's traumatic
And deeply thematic,
Without a doubt!
Exit Giles and Walsh.

Enter Joss, followed by groveling Chorus.

Joss: All right, where is everybody?  I'm waiting for the plot to start, and so far I'm not impressed.

Enter Spike, Willow, Giles, and Walsh.

Giles: We're ready, Your Geekiness. (Hands Joss a script.)  Here, this is the script for the next episode.  As you can see, we're kicking off with a major shock, and it will all escalate from there.

Joss: You're killing off Maggie in mid-season?  That's... unexpected.  (To Walsh.) And you're okay with this?

Walsh: It seems worth it for the drama, Your Geekiness.

Joss: But what are you going to do for an antagonist, then?

Giles: Well, earlier I had Spike round up a bunch of demons to be monsters of the week.  Individually, they're too lame to make good recurring villains, but I thought I'd take the scariest part of each demon, and put them together to make one really horrible monster.

Joss: (Dubiously.) You're going to make a villain out of a bunch of demon parts?

Giles: It will work, Your Geekiness, trust me.

Joss: Very well, I approve.

Giles, Spike and Willow: Yeah! (High fives all around.)

Enter Buffy and Riley.

Buffy: Great!  Does that mean we can make out now?

Walsh: Riley!  But-- but-- (Points to Willow.) She turned you into a newt!

Riley: I got better.

Walsh: Wait a minute!  I object!

Willow: Too late.  Joss has approved the script.  Might as well get used to it.

For she's going to boink Riley Finn!

All: Finn-Finn!

There's no point in grousing,
They're set on carousing,
Just take your defeat on the chin.

All: Chin-chin!

Willow: And follow the script that you're got.

Giles: Just learn how to bear it and grin.

All: Grin-grin!

Good actors our age
Can do movies and stage,
So give it a positive spin.

All: Spin-spin!

Giles: And let us get on with the plot.

Just learn how to bear it and grin,
Just take your defeat on the chin,
We clearly don't want you,
We're going to taunt you,
And we must get on with the plot!

Riley: And now we can enjoy our day,
Buffy: Just as the plot comes into play.
Riley: Though there will be a share of pain,
Buffy: You're dating me, so don't complain.

Too late to run,
Too late to plan,
Let's have our fun
While we still can.
Let's seize the day,
Though not for keeps,
You know we'll pay
In time for sweeps.