The Master Doctor
(coincides with Season 1 Ep 16 – Heavy)
Gregory House had been working at the Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital for two years before he opened that antique golden fobwatch. Even as the Master was awakened Greg House's life didn't change much other than becoming a crippled, unconventional and misanthropic medical genius who also happened to be a Timelord. He continued avoiding Lisa Cuddy, continued baiting his team and continued having a human by the name of Dr. Wilson his most trusted acquaintance.
(The Master doesn't do friends, surely you know that.)
It was the Master's first time using the Chameleon Arch to make himself human in order to hide himself but he was pretty pleased with the human. House had next to no respect for human life, made a great doctor, and had a wonderful attitude – at least from the Master's point of view.
Also, he enjoyed the irony of being a legit doctor on the Doctor's favourite planet.
Sure, there were downsides. First of all, he couldn't run, which basically sucked but it got him sympathy from old ladies in the bus who let him sit down without him having to hypnotize them. Second of all, he basically lived in a hospital so it meant if someone wired him up somehow they'd take him to the government because hello, he had two hearts in his body and an abnormal temperature judging by human standards.
But, still. The humans there weren't half bad, most of them relatively intelligent (save for Chase. He had his doubts) and even if the Doctor had sensed another Timelord link in his mind (which he surely had – the Doctor kept prodding at his brain and it was giving him a headache) he would never think of searching for the Master in America, New Jersey, as a doctor, in a hospital of all places.
The Master never thought of an unhappy coincidence bringing the Doctor to New Jersey, though. All of his assumptions had been made on stone-cold logic.
So imagine his surprise when the Doctor showed up with an unconscious woman named Martha in the clinic.
"Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake," Foreman said decisively as he held the file in his hand.
"Right," the Master replied, opening a bottle of water. "Simplest explanation is she's a forty year old lying about her age." The Master shrugged. "Could be an actress, trying to hang on."
Foreman looked at him with what could be slight exasperation. "Maybe the tests are wrong," he said, snapping the file shut.
"That's what the E.R. thought," Cameron said. "Three CK-MBs were positive. The EKG shows classic signs of STL. It's a heart attack," she said, sounding certain.
Chase leaned back in his chair. "She's morbidly obese. The morbid part of that raises alarms."
Foreman scoffed. "Come on, it takes decades to eat your way into a heart attack."
Chase looked up. "Doesn't take ten years to kill yourself," he said, folding his arms. "If I was that fat I'd be pretty tempted to knock back a bottle of pills."
"It's not a drug overdose," Cameron sounded exasperated. "Fatigue, muscle pain and difficulty in concentrating have been bothering her for over a year."
"That's because of her weight and of her depression," Chase replied, as if he was speaking to a child.
"That's what five pediatricians, two nutritionists and a psychologist just said," the Master intervened, leaning on the counter. "But the heart attack would seem to indicate they missed something."
"It's gotta be something genetic," Foreman added.
"What about metabolic syndrome x?" Cameron suggested.
"Insulin resistance?" Chase asked.
"Syndrome X could cause a stroke," Foreman replied, "but I don't know about a heart attack."
There was a slight moment of silence.
"Could," the Master said, "If the blood pressure was high enough."
"Which is likely considering her weight," Cameron nodded.
"Fits the symptoms. Me likey. Do a hyper-insulinimic-higlicimic-gland(?)," the Master said, starting to go to his office, before quickly remembering a small issue. "Ooh, and one more thing. I've been told that I gotta get rid of one of you guys by the end of the week."
The Master could basically feel the tension settle in.
"New sheriff. Belt tightening. You know how it goes."
"Okay," the Master said, smiling, blue eyes crinkling. "Carry on."
He entered his office, and noticed that Chase, Foreman and Cameron were already fighting.
Oh, how he loved causing chaos.
"Heading to the clinic?" Wilson asked as he stepped next to House into the elevator.
"Oh yes. I can't wait to deal with runny noses and mothers out of their minds," the Master rolled his eyes.
"You're not going to the clinic, are you?" Wilson asked, chuckling slightly.
"Nope," the Master replied. "The canteen. Are you joining me?"
"Can't," Wilson said. "I got a woman, just checked in." The elevator doors opened. "Just make sure Cuddy doesn't see you."
"Right," the Master nodded.
"House!" Cuddy's voice called from across the room. "Get your ass in clinic, now!"
Wilson shrugged in House's direction.
The elevator doors started closing before the Master shoved his cane in front of them.
"Excuse me," he said dryly, "mother bear is calling."
"It's really bad. Especially at night… it's like my heart is on fire. Like it's um, uh… I don't know, like a…"
"Burning?" the Master suggested. He couldn't believe he was doing consultations on the most idiotic of humans.
"Exactly!" the woman nodded.
"Hmm. Sounds almost like… heart burn," the Master said in his very sarcastic voice.
"Soo… can ya give me something?"
He sighed. "Like a thesaurus?"
"What?" the woman asked, confused.
"I take you never mentioned this during your prenatal visits," the Master clicked his pen to make a few notes in his file.
The Master looked up.
The woman sighed. "I'm not pregnant."
"Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules." Not that he was big on following rules.
"I know when I'm pregnant," she started in a superior, holier-than-thou voice. "I have six kids. That's why my husband had a vasectomy AND we use condoms."
"Vasectomies can reverse themselves and condoms can break," the Master replied calmly.
"Okay." The woman stood up. "This," she gestured to herself, "is what a woman is supposed to look like. Okay, we're not just skin and bones… we have flesh… we have… curves," she finished under the Master's doubtful gaze.
"You have little people inside you," the Timelord replied.
The woman stood still for a second before grabbing her purse and walking away.
"Okay! Okay. Sorry. Guess I was just brainwashed by the media… and all those years of medical training," the Master said dryly.
The woman nodded, oblivious to his sarcasm. "Damn right."
"Let's see if I can find something against burns while the nurse gets some blood."
"Blood? Why?" she asked as the Master reached for the door.
"For the hot burn." He just loved messing with people's heads. "Gotta make sure it's not…" he shot a doubtful look at the rest of her body, "spreading."
He closed the door behind him, limping towards the reception area. "Doctor House checks out at 5."
"Technically, it's quarter to five," Cuddy replied. "Come on, move it. You have more patients to check out."
"But mom!" the Master whined.
The Master clicked his teeth. "Fine."
"Help!" a British accent rang out from the front door. Both the Master and Cuddy swirled around to locate the source to see a tall man in a brown coat with a girl in his arms. "Somebody help!"
Cuddy rushed to their aid, but the Master stood rooted to his spot.
He'd recognize that man anywhere.
"What happened?" Cuddy asked the man who introduced himself as John Smith.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "She just… collapsed. I know a bit 'bout medicine, but I'm no doctor."
"Sure you aren't," House mumbled under his breath, limping as he reached Cuddy.
"Mr. Smith, this is Doctor Greg House," Cuddy introduced.
John Smith's head snapped up to look at House who waved his hand and said "hello!" in a childish voice.
Cuddy sighed. "House, just shut up and do your job."
"I am doing my job," House replied. "My job just happens to have been brought in by Mr. Smith over here."
Cuddy rolled her eyes. "Didn't you have the case of the ten year old who had a heart attack?"
"My team is tackling that one."
"Yes," Cuddy replied, "your team. Which means you are their boss, and they need you."
"Let's say this is a test for their wits," House replied. "Who most deserves to be fired. My money's on Chase."
As he started limping away, Cuddy followed him. "You can't just bet on who will be fired!"
"Yes I can," House replied. "Watch me."
"Wait!" Smith's voice rang loud and clear from behind both of them as he ran to catch up. "I want Dr. House as Martha's doctor."
House turned around to look at Cuddy. "See? Everybody loves me."
Cuddy sighed and rolled her eyes, handing him the chart.
The Master looked at both Cuddy and the Doctor and smiled in a condescending way. "See ya later."
"What, no, wait!" the Doctor yelled after him. "Aren't you going to ask me details or something?"
"I tend not to deal with patients, Mr. Smith, as they are either lying idiots, stupid people or generally ignorant." Smith blinked. "I'll send my team later – maybe Chase, since both of you have accents."
As he limped away, the Master thought that he missed the Doctor.
Sorry about that hyper piper glandy whatever test thing – I don't know medical terms and my subtitles weren't in English.