Stiles has only been gone for three hours, and I was already fidgeting like a teenager, impatiently waiting to see his boyfriend again. Hmm, boyfriend. Stiles is my boyfriend. The very thought makes me grin, as strange as that might sound. I couldn't help it; truth be told, it felt oddly right to feel this way. I don't feel so alone in the world right now. Six years of isolation can feel like forever and suddenly, one doe-eyed boy makes all that loneliness vanish. It was odd to embrace such a feeling; it was odd to embrace anyone again after my past, for that matter. But this was completely different; this was more real than anything I have ever felt before. Stiles is my life. He is mine, I am his. It's a strange feeling, really; the feeling of being whole. It is exhilarating and frightening all at the same time. I finally have him and yet, I am terrified that he will be taken away from me. This whirlwind of anxiety, passion, love and terror has brought an unexplainable joy to my life. Joy. But can I really enjoy this happiness when I still doubt if this is a good thing? If I'm even a good thing for Stiles?
It was a cool, breezy, cloud ridden night as I walked up to Stiles' house. I climbed the same tree I, countlessly, climbed for months in my semi-stalker days, until I reached his window. Stiles was sitting on the bed, his head bowed down as he stared at his fingers. He looked lost in thought until I gently tapped the window, breaking him out of his trance. His eyes lit up as a wide grin stretched across his face. He jumped from the bed, striding over to the window with his long, lanky legs, nearly tripping due to his eagerness. A low chuckle escaped my lips as I climbed through the window swiftly. Once both my feet were planted on the ground, Stiles grabbed my hands gently, pulling me closer to his body. He placed my hands around his waist as he wrapped his arms around my neck and shoulders, burying his face into the crook of my neck. He inhaled my scent deeply, a deep groan rumbling through his chest, vibrating against my own. There was something arousing and animalistic about the way he inhaled me; it was driving me wild.
"I missed you. God, I sound ridiculous, but I don't care." Stiles sighed. All I could do was groan in response as I tightened my embrace around his waist. "Uhm…my dad isn't home," Stiles spoke hesitantly as he lifted his head from my neck to meet my eyes.
"I know, I would have heard him," I said, matter-of-factly. It wasn't until Stiles raised his eyebrow in annoyance did I understand what he meant. "Wait, are you trying to seduce me, Stiles?" I smirked at him, my voice adopting a surprisingly humorous tone.
"Oh, shut up, you stupid sour wolf." I began to laugh when Stiles captured his lips with mine, silencing my laughter. His lips lingered there for a moment before he exhaled deeply, moving his lips against mine. It was then that I devoured his lips, pushing my tongue into his mouth eagerly. I massaged his tongue with mine, sensually, causing him to moan into my mouth, sending the vibration to the back of my throat. My hands slipped down to his ass, tucking them under so I could lift him off the ground. He wrapped his legs around my waist, tangling his hands into my hair for support. I strode us over to the bed, setting him down on his back, never once losing our close contact as my body molded on top of his.
Stiles took the opportunity to let his hands roam on the contours of my back, letting them fall lower and lower. I kissed down his jaw line, taking the time to explore his pale neck, kissing each dark mole. Stiles hesitantly stroked the exposed flesh on my lower back, afraid to let them slip under my shirt. I searched his neck, kissing and biting, until I found the spot. Once the familiar groan escaped his lips, I latched my lips on the patch of skin, making another mark. Stiles arched his back, sliding his hands up my shirt, clawing my shoulders and sides. I growled deeply, sucking even harsher onto his sweet spot, causing him to arch even more. It was then that his growing erection brushed against my throbbing bulge. "Fuck, Derek…"
"Stiles…" I panted, detaching myself from his neck to sit up, while still keeping my hands on his thighs. "Stiles, wait." He had the look of true bewilderment and lust on his face; he was barely catching his breath.
"No, please. Don't stop." Stiles was clawing at my shirt, trying to pull me back down to him. I wanted to, I mean I really wanted to, but I was losing control. This time was different, because I knew if I went too far, there would be no coming back from it. Stiles kept pulling at me and making those noises. Stiles sat up, gliding his hands up my chest until one hand rested on the back of my head and the other on my neck. He brought his face towards mine, our lips mere centimeters apart, his hot breath setting my lips on fire. Stiles then whispered to me softly, almost in a whine, "Derek, I want you. Please."
I don't know if it was the whine or the heat of the moment or the pent up sexual frustration or plainly because it was Stiles, but that thin elastic band of control I was clinging onto snapped. I attacked his lips with mine, crashing down on them with a brutal force as I pressed my body into his. Before I knew it, I was tearing his shirts off; I was shredding them with my claws. I had shifted into my wolf form, completely lost to the beast. I began clawing at his jeans, pulling them down to his thighs along with his boxers with a desperation and ferocity. I could hear Stiles panicking; he saying "stop" and "wait," but it was falling on the deaf ears of my alpha wolf. I tried to climb back to the surface; I tried to take back the reigns of control, to only be pushed back my wolf, who had lost all of its patience. My wolf was being completely driven by lust - by pure animalistic desire. My wolf could not feel Stiles pushing away, hear his frantic cries or smell the stinking aroma of terror radiating off Stiles. My wolf just wanted him, no matter the cost of it.
Stiles was struggling against me, but my wolf had gathered his wrists behind his back, pushing his face into the mattress. Stiles was on his knees, trying desperately to kick his feet out. That only angered my wolf, causing him to tighten his grip on Stiles' wrists, making Stiles whimper loudly. I have never felt so hopeless to my own body; I have never felt so weak. I couldn't even fight against my own wolf; I couldn't save my mate from my primal instincts. I was fighting – fighting harder than I ever had before, and yet, it wasn't enough. My wolf now had Stiles securely positioned on his knees with his ass up, ready to take him. I could hear the deafening clank! of metal as my wolf undid my buckle and pulled down the zipper. I could feel my wolf grab hold of me, lining up to Stiles' hole. That's when I heard it – clear as day, loud as thunder.
"Derek…." Derek – me. Derek. "Derek, please….stop." It felt like being snapped back into control; it was hearing my name. It was hearing Stiles say my name that reminded me that I will not succumb to my wolf – that I have the power. It was hearing my name that reminded me that I'm human. I have my control back, but right now, I did not want to be a part of this reality. As I look in front of me, I am filled with disgust. Stiles is before me, scratched and bruised, nearly naked as he is trying to control his heavy breathing. His face is stained with tears, his lips and eyes puffy and red.
"Oh my God, what…what have I…" I was at a lost for words. I almost raped my mate. I almost did that. He's the one person I'm supposed to protect; he's the one person I'm supposed to never hurt - and I nearly ripped him to shreds. What kind of person – what kind of monster does this? I do; I do this.
"Derek, wait…" Stiles began to sit up, pulling his pants over his welped hips, as I backed myself up into the corner on the far side of the room, too ashamed and disgusted with myself to be close to him. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the strands as I chest heaved up and down rapidly. My throat was tight and it felt like I couldn't breathe. "Derek…" Stiles reached out his hand to touch my face, but I flinched away.
"Don't touch me." My voice was low and hoarse, but what surprised me most was how shattered I sounded. I was shambles of a man - a man who almost destroyed the love of his life.
"Derek, please look at me," Stiles pleaded, cupping my face forcefully so I wouldn't pull away. He brought his face close to mine, despite my protests. His nose brushed against mine, my eyes finally falling upon his face. Stiles' expression held no judgment or anger - no hate or disgust. He looked slightly frightened but most of all, he held the look of compassion and love. He was looking me with this expression; looking at me with love when I did not deserve it. Why did this boy love monstrous things? "It's okay." His voice was thick with tears - tears of fright, tears of pain, tears of forgiveness.
"Okay? Stiles, what just happened was not okay. What I did was not okay." My voice was getting louder with each word, angry with myself for losing control, angry at Stiles for being too understanding, and most of all, angry for not just letting myself die, saving Stiles all the bad karma that is my life.
"Derek, that wasn't you. I know that - "
"But it's a part of me, Stiles! I can barely control my wolf. I can barely keep you safe. What fucking good am I?! I love you more than anything and look what I almost did to you." My voice rapidly lost its power, reduced to a broken cry.
"No, no, no. Please Derek…" Stiles hurried towards me in tears, ready to close the space between us and engulf me into his arms. I cringed from his embrace, feeling unworthy of his affection.
"Stiles, I can't. I can't hurt you anymore. I can't…I just can't." I pushed past Stiles, out the door and descended down the staircase. Before I could reach the handle of the front door, Stiles grabbed my arm, swinging me back to face him.
"Derek, please don't." I fought hard against him as he wrapped his arms around my mine. I was cringing and shuddering, my self-loathing only growing as Stiles' tears stained my skin. "Stop running away from me – please stop running away from me." Stiles had never sounded so desperate; it was like he knew that if I walked out that door, I wouldn't come back. I wasn't even sure if I would come back either, after what I had done. "I love you. I love you, Derek. I love you so much." That only made me sob harder. I didn't deserve this kind of love; I didn't deserve him and yet, he's here and he still loves me. I felt my knees begin to buckle as my resolution began to crumble. Stiles began to pepper my face with kisses, whispering "I love you," "please don't go," and "it's not your fault" with conviction I've never heard before. I almost raped him and he's consoling me. How much more fucked up can I get? My body gradually slid down against the door, until I finally reached the floor. Stiles traveled down with my body, never releasing his grip on me. I, however, did not return that embrace until now. I wrapped my arms around his waist, lifting his body onto mine, so that he was straddling me. I buried my face in his shoulder, melting into Stiles, as he leaned his head against mine, massaging his fingers through my hair. I pressed my body to his with the same force Stiles used to press his body to mine.
I was shaking. I didn't know what to do. How can I possibly make this better? All I could do was mutter two words over and over again, as if on a loop. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Stiles." I'm sorry? Those words cannot express the true level of my remorse, but these were the only words I could muster out of my cries. These weak words that are a very insult to Stiles was the only thing my lips could fathom.
"Shhh, Derek. I know, I know. I forgive you. I forgive you."
"I still choose you."
I know; I suck. I suck at updating. Sorry - forgive me?
I know I promised some smutty goodness, but this chapter was intense as it is and I didn't want rush the love scene by making this a super long chapter.
The next chapter will definitely have it though ;)
Sorry again :/
But thank you so much for not giving up on me! It means the world to me! So please review and let me know what you think.
Love you, guys and gals.
btw, please excuse any errors - I try.