How Two Asexual Gods Got By

"Are you sure this will work?" Sigyn asked worriedly as Loki set up the crystals around the wedding night suite.

"I'm fairly positive. This is the first time I'm using this particular spell, but it's similar enough to my usual tricks. It should work." Loki smiled reassuringly at her. "Did you get the film?"

"Oh, yes. The nice lady in the shop assured me that this would most assuredly satisfy any audience."

"Excellent." Loki made grabby hands. "Show me."

She took it out of the bag the nice lady gave her, and presented it to her future husband. "Ta dah!"

He read the title with a confused frown. "The Dominatrix and her Loyal Slave II? What's a Dominatrix?"

"I think it might be the name of the leather-clad warrior princess. Maybe it's a tale of romance. A princess falling in love with her slave, and together they overcome obstacles to fulfilling their love."

"Sounds intriguing, but does it have a sex-scene?"

"Oh yes. The lady explained that this disc has seven scenes and each one is a sex scene. Maybe this disc is just a culmination to their love story. It is part II after all."

"I'll find you a book with the story later. First I just have to finish setting up."

"Alright. Do I need to do anything?"

"Not really. Just make sure to pack us enough food for our trip. And some spare clothes, I imagine you'll want out of your wedding gown before we leave."

"It is extremely long. I'm not sure what my mother was thinking when she gave it to me."

"No matter. I'm done." Loki stood up and sighed in satisfaction. "Alright. When we'll arrive here from the feast, the witnesses will lock us in and stay outside. I'll activate the crystals, which will change the disc's voices into our own. Then I'll transport us to an already saddle horse, and we'll go have that picnic under the stars you wanted. We'll come back bright and early and everyone should be none the wiser."

Sigyn smiled. "This was an excellent idea."


The Wedding Night Witnesses pretty much stared in horrified shock at the door the entire night. And through all seven of the disc's scenes.


"That was odd." Sigyn commented as she sat down next to her husband at breakfast.

"What was?" Loki asked after he swallowed his mouthful.

"The Warrior Three and the Lady Sif stopped me on my way here. They asked if what we did on our wedding night is normal for us."

"What did you tell them?" Loki asked in a secretive whisper.

"I didn't know what to say, so I just said yes."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, Sir Fandral got really pale, Sir Hogun kinda... curled in on himself, and Sir Volstagg said 'By Odin's beard'. And Lady Sif got this really calculating and thoughtful look on her face. It was most odd."

Loki shrugged. "Eh, they're probably just worried. You did say there were seven scenes, they probably can't even go half that long."

Sigyn thought about that, then smiled. "You're probably right. What're we having?"


Loki made an undignified sound when Thor suddenly grabbed him and pulled him into a powerful hug.

"Thor! Let me go!"

"Brother, you are a brave and loyal man to marry the Lady Sigyn."

Loki blinked in confusion. "I think I should be offended on Sigyn's behalf."

"No, no, it's better that Lady Sigyn doesn't get offended. At anyone." Thor said decisively, tightening his hold. "Lady Sigyn should really be always happy and content."

Loki was very confused now. "I agree?"

"Good." Thor released his hug, but kept a hold on Loki's shoulders. "I am sorry for ever doubting your manliness, Brother. Only the most valiant can go through what you went through."

Loki smiled uncertainly. "Thank you?"

"If you ever need to talk or... a place to hide, I will always assist you, brother, remember that."

Loki shrugged mentally, and decided to go along with his brother's newest insanity. "I will. I appreciate it, brother."

"I would imagine so, Brother." Thor said tearfully, and pulled him into another hug. This one almost felt as if Thor was trying to shield him from something.


A week after the wedding, Loki got called into the Allfather's private study.

"You wanted to see me, Allfather?"

"Yes, son. Come in. Close the door."

Loki did, and came closer. Odin stayed silent, staring at him.

"Father? Did you want something?"

Odin nodded. "Yes, I did. About you and Lady Sigyn."

Loki waited, but no question came. "Well?"

"I wanted to know... I mean... you and Sigyn... does that..." The Allfather took a deep, steadying breath. "Are you happy? With Sigyn, I mean. Does she make you happy?"

Loki didn't understand the purpose of such a question, but answered truthfully nonetheless. "She does, Father. I am very much happy with every moment I spend with her."

Odin swallowed heavily, and paled slightly. "I know I may have been... a stern father to you, perhaps sometimes too stern... but I want you to know I always meant your best at heart."

Loki nodded slowly, entirely confused by this turn of conversation. "Alright."

"After your wedding night..." Odin swallowed thickly again, then cleared his throat. "I've decided to be more... understanding with you. Spend some more time with you. Just us, without Thor. Does... is that a good idea, my son?"

Loki nodded. "It sounds wonderful, Father."

Odin returned the nod, looking down at his clenched hands, then stood up suddenly. He moved around the table and embraced Loki tenderly. "You are my son, Loki, and if this marriage brings you happiness, I will learn to accept what Sigyn does for you."

Loki smiled despite his confusion. "Thank you, Father."

Odin cleared his throat again and took a step back. "Why don't you run along now? I'm sure you have much to do. We'll go on a horse ride tomorrow at dawn, so make sure to turn in early tonight. Leave your... marital duties for another night."

"Of course, Father." Loki smiled at him again, then left.


They were married for almost a full three-months when The Question was first asked.

"When will you two be having children then?" Frigga smiled at them both.

Sigyn and Loki shared a look.

"We're trying, Allmother." Sigyn said, and they have been trying to come up with a plan to get an appropriate child to present as their own.

"I am usually very fertile, but-" Loki added, trailing off uncertainly. "We're trying very hard, Mother."

Frigga paled slightly, then gave them a shaky smile. "Oh, no hurry. You two are still young, and we are immortal after all." She gave a weak chuckle. "There's no need for children any time soon."

Sigyn frowned in confusion. "But you asked."

"Oh, don't mind me, I can wait. Just wanted to know, you know how mothers-in-law are. Come to think of it, you're both much too young to be having babies. Perhaps you should stop trying. Maybe in a century. Or two. Let's make it five."

Loki and Sigyn shared an uncertain look, but agreed nonetheless. They knew better than to look a gift horse in the teeth.


Things got a bit strange around Asgard. All the men seemed wary or even scared around Sigyn, while all the ladies looked at her with what looked like appreciation. Around Loki the men looked sympathetic and started patting him on the back as often as they could. And each evening, when Loki tried to excuse himself from the feast in the evening, explaining he had to join Sigyn in their marriage bed, all the men were intent on Loki drinking at least one tankard of mead before allowing him to leave.

But on the other hand, no one asked them about future heirs or proposed awkward ways to induce pregnancy. In fact, if Loki looked saddened whenever The Question was asked, the other person was always quick to change the topic.

And thus Loki and Sigyn lived their married life with no rush to start producing children or any interruption to their marriage chambers at all.







Written for a Kink Meme Prompt:

Loki and Sigyn are engaged but, though they love each other deeply and are eager to be wed, neither has ever desired a sexual relationship. Unfortunately Asgard requires the consummation of royal weddings to be witnessed.

Knowing neither of them will be able to "perform", Loki seeks out a spell that will convincingly give the illusion their families need to see while they are happily cuddling elsewhere. Embroiled in perfecting the spell, Loki asks Sigyn to discreetly find a "script" for him to set the illusions to.

For ~reasons~ Sigyn goes to a Midgardian sex-shop and finds a dvd of a sex performance with a little help from the shop-keep. Loki traces the discs etchings with magic and locks it into the spell, then arranges for the switch.

Unknown to the both of them, it was a hardcore dominatrix porno.

When Loki and Sigyn make their first appearance as a married couple several days later, they're both baffled by the strange reception they receive. Life goes on and they are blissfully happy together.

+ Loki and Sigyn never find out because no one dares ask; though they find it very convenient how no one pesters them about their sex life.

+ Everyone immediately backs off asking about children when Loki looks downcast and protests "...but we've been trying so hard."