A/N : Hello, my lovelies. I am back. Sorry it's been so long, but with this being my last quarter and almost having my Bachelor's Degree, stories from me are going to be few and far between for awhile. However, I couldn't get this one out of my head after watching Emily/JJ videos on YouTube while it was storming up here today. So, here it is. I hope it makes sense, but it is a rather long one-shot coming from me. No crawfish were harmed in the writing of this story….yet.
A/N2: on a side note, I am not happy that they have already re-casted on Criminal Minds. I have mixed emotions, as I am a total Emily girl and a total Paget fan. I will give this new character and actress a chance, but she is not Paget or Emily, so it will be hard for me to watch. After all, I am the one who sobbed during the whole "Valhalla and Lauren" arc. And then cheered in "It Takes a Village." With that said, on with the story.
Your breath catches in your throat as you remember all the times she looked at you. You've always been good at compartmentalization. Everything in your life is nice and neat, easily stored and accessible. However, she is the one thing that you could never put in a nice and neat compartment. She invaded your soul and took your heart with the first smile she ever gave you.
You remember the sheer terror of every time she has gotten hurt in the field. You remember how your heart shattered when she was transferred to the Pentagon, how elated you were when she came back, how you ached when she got pregnant. However, you kept your mouth closed and your feelings to yourself, hiding behind those famous walls that have always been carefully erected.
You watch the team look at you and you know they're still trying to figure out after all these years why you keep them up. You know they would die for you, just like you would for them. You're loyalty to the team has been proven more than tenfold, as you would give up your life, your job, your career, just so none of them would be in danger.
However, what they don't understand is why you are this way. From a young age, you learned how to hide your feelings, paste on a smile, and fake being happy. You learned how not to show emotion, and that love was not something you were ever meant to feel. You know somewhere inside your mother, she loves you, but to you she is the Ambassador, a woman who has no warmth, no substance other than her career. Her life is her career, and when you decided to join the FBI, you knew that you did something that created an unfixable crack between you and your mother. However, over time, she came to grudgingly accept your career, especially when it benefited her.
What you didn't count on was falling in love.
You always knew you were gay. Even at fifteen, when you had the abortion, you knew that you just did it to feel accepted. You knew that you were different. You weren't bisexual, you weren't in a phase. You loved women. They loved you. However, you loathed dating. In your eyes, you were such a nerd, and the date would go well until you opened your mouth and quoted Vonnegut, or some random thing that had no interest to anyone else. Then the date slowly died. Most of your dates, once they found out who your mother was, only wanted you for the power and prestige.
She knew who your mother was. Hell, the whole team knew who your mother was. Who your mother is, and yet they could care less. All they cared about was that you were a damn good profiler and that you were part of their family. Yet, to them, you were just Prentiss (or Princess, as Morgan liked to call you). However, with her, you were just Emily. The way she said your name sent a thrill through you and you couldn't wipe the smile off your face. However, you never let your feelings show. You were sure that the team suspected, but you knew that if they would ever ask, you'd deny it.
However, you couldn't lie to yourself. For so long, you felt dead inside. You gave up on your dreams of a family a long time ago, but you always knew just one word from her, and you'd give up everything in a heartbeat to have that with her. You were still too young to become the crazy cat lady, but you were off to a start with Sergio. You knew you would end up what your mother said you would: alone and bitter.
You vowed to yourself in Paris, after you found out Doyle was dead and you were on your way home that you would make this a fresh start, which you would come home and confront your fears and tell her how you felt. Instead, you've hid more behind those famous walls and watched her as she became pregnant, engaged, and then broke the engagement, which made you happy, as you never could stand that bastard from Louisiana. To you, he seemed so slick, so uncouth that you just wanted to punch him in the face every time he opened his mouth. However, when he came in the very last time, he said something that made you wonder.
"She never loved me the way I loved her. There was always someone else who held her heart. I thought we could work past it, but always there was someone else between us."
You swear, he stared at you the whole time. You swallowed hard and walked away, never looking back that day as you walked for hours, wondering if you really could have it all. You would surrender everything, just to hold her in your arms.
Suddenly, arms wrap around your waist and you jump slightly and relax, knowing who it is behind you. You lean back against her and she tightens her hold on you. You place your hands over hers and stroke her hand with your thumb. "What are you thinking about?"
"Just how far we've come." You're honest with her, because you know she can see through your walls and past your insecurities. "Just how I never thought it would be like this."
"Like what?" she smiles against your shoulder and you gently pull her hands away from you, turning around to face her. "I never thought I'd be with someone like you."
She cocks her head to side and locks her eyes on to yours. "You mean, a small town girl from Pennsylvania?" she leans back against the wall, her eyes never leaving yours.
"No. Someone who loved me for me, and not what my family name stands for. Who understands that I'm emotionally unstable on any given day and have demons to fight, and who hasn't run because there are days I don't even understand what I'm feeling." You run your hand down the side of her face and she smiles, leaning into the touch. "I never dreamed that someone could love me so completely and without reservation." You whisper the last part, your gaze dropping down.
"Hey, look at me." You glance up at her and your breath catches with the love that shines in those eyes. "I do love you. I've loved you since I first met you. You've always completed me, in ways that I never thought another person could." You move towards her, never taking your eyes off her. She continues as you close the distance. "I love you because you are you. Not because of whom your mother is, not because of your mother. I love you because your you."
Closing the distance, you press your body against hers, saying quietly, and "I always wondered what would happen if people knew I was in love with you. I would have given everything I have up, just to be with you. My job, my home, my wealth, they don't mean anything without you to share it with." Before she can speak, you kiss her, your mouth completely overtaking hers. She moans and opens her mouth, allowing you the access you so crave from her and her alone.
Deepening the kiss, you are amazed that she still remains this responsive towards you after all these years. You both surrender yourself to the kiss and only the need for air forces the two of you apart. Tears form in your eyes, and you blink, not wanting them to fall. She wraps her arms around you again and sighs softly, laying her head against your shoulder. You tighten your hold, easily picking her up and carrying her to the couch. You lay her down gently and she smiles up at you, and you realize that in that gaze you could give up everything just to be able to look into her eyes for the rest of your life.
You remember what happened when the teams found out you two were together. A lot of money was passed around as both realized they had placed bets on this. You remember smacking Morgan in the back of the head and Garcia hugging the both of you so tightly you couldn't breathe. You remember the grin on Morgan's face, the happiness on Garcia's and the confused look on Reid's, as he didn't quite understand. You remember Hotch gracing you with a rare smile and Rossi's gaze approving, yet apprehensive as he of all people understood the ramifications of this job and dating.
You remember going against Strauss, telling her that you would give all this up for JJ that you would rather quit your job than give up the love you had with her. You remember Hotch standing up for the two of you and Strauss backing down, even though she wasn't happy. In that gaze, you remember why you would give up everything just to be with her.
"Baby?" she asks, leaning up and stroking your cheek. You lean down and kiss her deeply, surrounding yourself into the kiss, and she pulls you on top of her, running her hands up and down your back, losing yourself completely in the kiss. Her hand slides up your back and inside your shirt, stroking the sensitive skin there. You shiver and she breaks the kiss, snaking her hand around to the front of your shirt and you tense as her hand goes to the tattoo that Doyle left for you. She feels you tense as her hands brush over the clover and she gently strokes it. You drop your gaze and look away, feeling ugly for the reminder that will always be there on you.
"Hey," she says softly, still stroking it gently, "it's not ugly. It's a part of you. It's the proof of what you did for the team, for me, for us." She takes her hand away and slowly unbuttons your shirt, and as the last button comes undone, you have the urge to run, but with her hand firmly pressed against your back, you can't. Exposed, she looks at the clover and slowly traces it and you keep your gaze down, tears welling in your eyes. She leans up and softly kisses it and the tears fall down your face; you're completely undone by this show of love that only she has ever shown you.
"It's who you are, baby," she says softly, tracing it again with her fingers. "It's just another part of who you are. Of the sacrifices you've made. It's what you surrendered yourself to; to keep us all safe." Her fingertips wander over to the swell of your breast and you whimper, closing your eyes. In that moment, as you let go, you realize that every sacrifice you've made, everything you've given up, just to have this moment, is worth it.