AN: Full Prompt: OUAT version of the Hangover: Emma, Ruby and Regina wake up in a vegas hotel room with no clue where the bride-to-be Mary-Margaret (M&M/David wedding)
Alright… I'm changing this just a little bit… I'm keeping them in Storybrooke because I like the idea of the three of them not being able to find Mary Margaret in their own small town rather than the big lights and overwhelmingly tourist populated city that is Vegas… And, there is hints of Swan Queen in this one because I just don't see Regina being invited, or wanting to go to something like this unless she was attached… Oh, and… obviously… most definitely a crack fic.
Ruby woke up with a mouth full of fuzz that morning… or at least it felt like she woke up with a mouth full of fuzz that morning.. She closed her mouth, swallowed nothing… not even her own saliva, then stuck her tongue back out in disgust. She sat up from her position in which her head was hanging off the edge of the couch and her feet were over the back. She shook her head then realized this was not the best plan. She planted her feet on the floor and let her head fall in her palms.
As soon as Ruby's feet touched the floor though, she wished she hadn't done it… her right foot landed in something oh-so-sticky. She looked down and found peanut butter and what appeared to be honey coating the bottom of her foot. She realized that she had no idea where she was or what day it was or what she had downed the night before…or couple nights before to get her in this state. She decided she didn't so much care about her sticky foot as she did wanting to know where she was. As she looked up and around, she let out a sigh of relief… Mary Margaret's and Emma's… She thought. She relaxed back in the couch for about ten seconds before a crash came from the kitchen area.
A crash and a painful groan, "Oh my fucking God!" It was Emma's voice.
Ruby got up and walked carefully over to find Regina on top of Emma, who by the way was wearing a kitchen pot on her head.
"What the fuck was that? Why the fuck did that happen? Are you a person? Are you a fucking person? What the fuck? Get the fuck off me!" Emma tried to push the mayor off of her.
"You think that hurt you?" Came the mayor's low growl, "I just fell off the fucking counter!"
"Why the fuck were you on the counter?" Emma was clearly not entirely there yet.
"Why the fuck were you in falling range on the floor?" Regina wasn't there entirely either, "What happened last night?"
Ruby's brain, finally starting to function spoke for the first time, "If I remember correctly we were celebrating Mary Margaret's second to last day of being a single lady."
They both looked up at Ruby then scrambled away, "What the fuck did you do to your face?" Emma hid behind Regina and took the pot off of her head to defend them both from the young brunette standing before them.
"My face?" Ruby looked into the fifth toaster that Emma and Mary Margaret had owned since Emma's arrival. She jumped back and screamed at herself, "What the hell?" Someone had painted her face to look like a clown. She turned away, "That is not fucking funny! Who did that?"
Regina lowered the pot in front of her and didn't bother to move from Emma's front, "Why do you assume it was one of us?"
"Oh please! Like Mary Margaret would do it!" Ruby looked at the top of the counter then down to the older brunette's hands in her lap, "It was you!" She pointed at the make-up on Regina's fingers and picked up a kid's Halloween make-up kit on the countertop.
"That is so fucked up…" Emma said behind the older brunette, "Do you even remember doing it?" She asked.
Regina shook her head and lifted a hand in defeat, "Darling the only thing I remember about last night is walking into this filthy apartment…" She said as she stood up, "I'm going to the bathroom."
Emma stood up too and grabbed a washrag, "Let's make you not scary." She said as she started wiping Ruby's face.
By the time Regina walked back out from Emma's room and bathroom, she looked the picture of perfection as per usual; the only thing that seemed wrong was the fact that she was rubbing her butt as if in pain. She filled three four glasses of water and distributed painkillers to the women awake.
They gratefully took them and downed the water, "I will just go set this on her bed." Regina spoke after a moment of silently watching Emma finishing taking the make-up off Ruby's face. She walked carefully, minding her sore butt cheek, up the spiral staircase and down the hall to Mary Margaret's room. She knocked quietly… just in case the woman was up, then opened the door. As soon as it opened a slight howl was released.
Regina jumped and ran backwards from the room, "Oh dear God!" She pressed her back against the wall and couldn't move as the large creature run passed her.
Emma and Ruby both heard the scream and the sound of paws on metal. They looked up to see an anxious wolf make its way down the stairs.
"A puppy!" Ruby said excitedly.
Emma, on the other hand, scrambled to get on top of the counter, "That is not a fucking puppy! That thing… could eat me… could eat everyone here…" A thought came to her head, "Oh my God! Is Mary Margaret okay?"
Regina walked to the top of the stairs cautiously, "She's not in there…"
Emma looked in horror at the wolf that was licking Ruby's feet clean, "Ruby! That thing killed Mary Margaret!" She said her thoughts instead of telling her to get away.
"Oh no he didn't!" Ruby took the animal's face in her hands, "Did you? Say, 'No! I didn't eat her! I'm just a puppy!' Yeah!" Ruby grinned as it licked her cheek then went back to her foot. She turned and looked at Emma, "He wouldn't eat her… I promise."
"How do you know!" Emma yelled.
"Because there's no blood on him anywhere… Besides.. wolves don't attack humans unless they feel threatened… and Mary Margaret is hardly threatening… And this is part doggy…" She leaned in and pet the wolfdog's head.
"How is it that calm?" Emma was still yelling.
Ruby only shrugged, "I've always had a way with dogs… any kind of dogs." She shrugged, "I don't know what it is, but they love me." She grinned.
Emma accepted that and moved on, "Where the hell is Mary Margaret?" She looked up to Regina who only shrugged, "Damn it!" She slumped on top of the counter, "Now we have to find the bride the day before the wedding…" She shook her head.
They came to the conclusion that no one remembered a damn thing from the previous night, so no one remembered when Mary Margaret might have dropped off. They had no clues for anything… nothing in their pockets… and they definitely had no reason to have a young wolfdog in the apartment at all… So, debating on where she would be as Ruby and Emma cleaned up enough to look presentable the three women set about town… Ruby's new best friend in intimidating tow.
After four hours of searching and coming up with nothing the three of them and Wolfy—Ruby's creative name for her new friend—walked into the diner. Regina and Emma slumped into one side of the booth, Emma more so on top of Regina and Regina more lay against the wall. Wolfy stayed with his new owner—hopefully that's what this person that kept treats on her walking things would be at least—as she ordered food for them all.
"I can't look any longer!" Emma declared into Regina's sleeve.
"We have to!" Regina hissed, "We cannot have another missing person that has been with David in this town!" She glared over to the blonde.
"She's not missing for another 20 hours… And she's bound to be somewhere…" Emma spoke directly into her pillow's sleeve, "I'm fucking tire.. and hungry.. and I want to sleep…after I eat. Oh… I'm gonna need a place to crash the night of the wedding… Mary Margaret and David are going to spend the night at the apartment and I do not want to be around for that…" She shifted slightly, moving to 'accidentally' graze the brunette's ass, "You know of anywhere—what is wrong with you?"
"I have a 30-year-old pain in my side that won't let up." Regina rolled her eyes.
"Now, now… we both know you don't want that pain to leave… but you have another pain… Regina I can see it in your eyes… what's wrong."
Regina huffed, "My ass hurts." She whispered.
"Your ass, why?" Emma leaned back a bit like that would help her see the problem.
"I don't know… And your mirror is much too high and small for me to see anything so I couldn't figure it out this morning…" She glared.
"Let's go to the bathroom right now, I'll take a look at it." Emma started.
"You are not in the mood to see my bare ass at a time like this… a time where we don't know where your best friend and roommate is…" Regina said indignantly.
"No… I'm not… but I am concerned about my girlfriend—" She caught herself a little too late, "I mean my girlfriend-like…woman friend type person's ass when she says it hurts and doesn't know why… it's not like a muscle is it?"
Regina hid the smile as best she could at Emma's stumble, "No… it's not like a muscle…" She sighed and looked down, "Alright…" She nodded, "Let's go look at my ass."
They got up and told Ruby they both had to pee as she made her way over to the table with four plates of food. She nodded and set three down then put the fourth on the floor for Wolfy who dug in excitedly.
As they entered the large stall and locked it, Emma had a flashback to the last time they had done it. Her breath hitched and Regina turned around, "You alright, Sheriff?"
"Just… A good memory is all Madam Mayor…" She waggled her brows as she reached for the front of Regina's pants and undid the fly before she pulled them down, "What the…?" She looked at the gauze covering on the mayor's right cheek.
The last thing Emma was expecting when she pulled the gauze off was a tattoo… and the last tattoo she would ever expect the mayor to get was… this. She discreetly took out her phone and took a picture concealing her laugh for as long as possible.
"Oh Regina…" her voice couldn't hide the amusement.
"What?" Emma burst at this point. This made the mayor extremely worried, "What? What? What is it? Emma!" She was panicked and whining.
Emma stared at it a bit longer before she could get herself together enough to answer, and at this point she noticed something else about it. She grinned happily to herself, glad that Regina could write on herself permanently but not say it to her face.
She chuckled just a little bit more as she leaned into Regina's back to whisper, "You got a tattoo."
"I what?" Regina tried to turn and look at her own ass, but could not, "What is it? What does it say?"
Emma giggled a little bit, "Well… it's a picture of me, Rubes and double 'M'…" she leaned back and stared at it, "And just above here…" She touched part of the brunette's ass that did not hold the picture, "There's a banner that says, 'BFFL' and here…" she gently touched another spot, "There are two 'M's… and here," she touched once more, "It says Ruby…" Emma touched one final area, "And here…" She leaned in again, "It says 'love of my life'…"
Regina only swallowed and pushed from the blonde, "Yes well, it only serves to show what will happen when one is extremely intoxicated." She stopped and reached for the wall instantly as a flashback came to her.
The flashback told her where they had gone to get her tattoo. All of them had their own bottles of expensive liquor from Regina's cabinet. They all had on garish, cheap princess crowns on… must have gotten the make up from whatever store they bought those dreaded items. Mary Margaret was smiling and laughing, "You get a picture of me!" She yelled happily to Regina, who replied with her own yell as she jumped into the chair, "I'll get a picture of all of you!" Emma and Ruby danced around yelling their own happiness. She noticed that the dog was not yet with them just before she came back to reality.
"We need to get over to that tattoo parlor on Maple Street… maybe something will jog our memories…" Regina said, taking Emma's offered hands.
"You're… you okay? Flashback? Remember something?"
"Yes…" She gave the blonde a 'duh' look, "I remember that I got marked in that tattoo parlor—"
"Over on Maple Street." Emma nodded along finishing Regina's sentence with her, "Alright, let's get doggy bags and head out."
As they walked along the street towards the tattoo parlor, Wolfy began sniffing the ground. He looked up at his new person and when she didn't look at him he nuzzled her hand to get her attention. Once he had it, he pointed in the opposite direction to which they were going, he pointed to a neighborhood, not the only real bar Storybrooke had to offer and the tattoo parlor that would probably be going out of business after what Emma has secretly relayed to her as Regina was distracted. Ruby cocked her head and looked at him. He got behind her and tried to push her legs then ran in front of her a few feet. When she didn't follow, he did it once more.
"Hey, guys, I'm pretty sure Wolfy wants to go this way…"
"Well, since Wolfy has all the answers, by all means!" Regina said sarcastically, and frustrated… she thought that going over to that part of town would jog… something… But nothing came to her.
Ruby crossed her arms, "God Regina…" her smirk couldn't hide, "Just because you have my face on your ass doesn't mean you can bitch me out whenever you please…"
Regina's eyes widened and then she turned to Emma, "You!" She lunged at Emma who side stepped.
She ran over to the wolfdog, "Come on Wolfy!" She said going the direction he wanted.
Finally one of the new people was going to go with him… he wanted it to be the one that gave him food, but this one seemed nicer than the other one. He was more than excited to go. He took off running with her then howled when she went too far. Emma turned around and saw him turning. She recognized David's new neighborhood as they entered… and recognized his house as Wolfy ran up the steps… She felt so stupid.
Wolfy howled outside the house then scratched at the door the howled again. Emma rang the doorbell.
Slowly, but surely someone came to the door, "Hey guys…" Mary Margaret said as she came into view. She was wearing her future husband's robe and her hair was everywhere, "Did you all have fun after you left here?"
"What is here anyways?" Regina asked as she looked around.
"This is David's… and now my new house Regina... You were here for two hours last night, do you not remember?"
Regina didn't answer her question, she only asked another, "So… you won't be at your apartment then… the night of the wedding?"
"No, why would we be?" Mary Margaret asked, "That would put Emma out for no good reason…"
Regina turned to glare at the blonde, who simply dug her foot into the sidewalk and whistled nonchalantly.
"Oh my God! Mary Margaret! Why don't you answer your phone? We have been looking for you for forever!" Ruby changed the subject and moved to hug her.
"I'm sorry, I turned my phone off after the twelfth drunk call from you guys telling me what all I was missing…"
Emma looked at her best friend, "Just what did you miss?"
"Well… after you took off with—what did you name him Rubes?" Mary Margaret stopped her story and knelt down to pet the wolfdog.
"He's mine?" Ruby asked excitedly.
"Yeah…" David said walking from behind his future wife, "I've been looking after him, making sure that he's healthy and good to be around humans, after we found him on the side of the highway malnourished. I thought you might like him, so when he was declared, I was going to give him to you… but you saw him last night and wanted him then." He grinned that charming grin of his, "And who am I to keep a dog from his rightful owner?"
Ruby was bouncing, "I really get to keep him?" She pet the dog's head as he jumped excited with her.
"Yes Rubes… maybe I should've waited to give him to you today…"
"Yeah… none of us remember anything… Except Regina remembers getting her ta—"
Emma was stopped mid-sentence by the glare shot her direction.
"The tattoo?" Mary Margaret asked with a laugh, "I cannot believe you were that drunk…" She looked to the mayor with a grin.
"How do you remember all of this?" Regina changed the subject.
"Well… I wasn't half as drunk as you all were to begin with… remember I got a late start to the party… and keep in mind that I'm a sleepy drunk, so after the tattoo, I was tired and we were closer to here than to the apartment… so after I fell asleep and David escorted you all out… I was fine…"
The other three simply pursed their lips and looked around, "It was worth it…" Ruby said, "Regina fell asleep on the counter and landed on Emma this morning… who had a pot on her head by the way."
"Ah yes… I believe you all were playing 'Johnny Appleseed…" David said with a chuckle as he opened up the message he had saved as a song track to Mary Margaret's phone.
"MAAAAARRRRYYYYYY MARGARET!" Ruby whined in the phone, "How do I get them to stop? Emma's wearing a pot on her head! They're playing Johnny Appleseed… whatever the hell that is! Listen!"
The message then was over powered by Regina, "There's a-apple pickles. Oh, so tasty. Apple tarts and apple pastry. Apple dumplings, not to mention."
And then Emma, "Applesass."
"Yes. And there's apple fritters. Light as a thistle. And for folks to wet their whistle."
"Tangy apple cider in a glass." Regina and Emma traded the appropriate lines…
"Stew 'em, fry 'em, boil 'em, bake 'em."
"Apple pie and apple cake 'em."
"Yep, you can cook 'em any way. There's apple this and apple that. The recipes would fill your hat. Why, I could carry on like this all day. So pack your stuff and get a-going. Get them apple trees a-growing. There's a lot of work out there to do."
Then they ended the song together, "There's a lot of work out there to do."
Of course they were both wildly drunk throughout their duet… but the fact that they knew the words to this old Disney short while this drunk… well… No one really had words… That is until Ruby cut in on the recording again, "You guys love each other!" She said excitedly, then talked into the phone, "They're making out… Mary Margaret! Why aren't you here? You can make them stop! They won't listen to me! Where's my puppy guys! If you two can play with each other then I can play with my puppy again!" There was then a crash, "Uhh… I think they both just passed out… Bye Mary Margaret… You're such a good listener…"
All parties on the porch did nothing for a good five minutes before they all split up and went their different ways, "Okay, so… we found you… we'll see you tomorrow?" Emma asked.
"Of course… It's the wedding." Mary Margaret said as she and David walked back inside holding their laughter right up until the door shut.
Ruby and Wolfy turned right out of the neighborhood as Emma and Regina turned right, "See you tomorrow too." Emma said as she waved to Ruby before she and the mayor went on to the mansion…. Hiding their embarrassment and holding their own laughter at themselves for a couple blocks.
"Right." Ruby grinned as she and Wolfy went back to the diner, Ruby laughing to herself at the events of the night before.