Just a little one shot of what i'd like Ste to be feeling
I noticed all the commotion the minute I came out of price slice, I didn't know exactly what had happened at that point but I knew it wasn't good. I heard Cheryl screaming and I could even hear Brendan's voice, it was completely panicked. I ran over to see them both crouched down over Lynsey who was out cold on the floor. What had happened to her? I got my Mobile and called for an ambulance. Luckily there was a doctor nearby and he rushed over to a lifeless Lynsey, he franticly tried to help her. I watched Brendan, he looked scared and helpless, he began fidgeting with his fingers and running his hands through his hair. I could see the turmoil and pain he was in and the instinct I felt to help him, to comfort him was over whelming. Joel came over but Brendan made him go, he was very protective over him, no doubt he didn't want him to witness any of this, the Brady's were close regardless if they were blood related or not, they were all family. As the doctor tried his hardest to resuscitate Lynsey, Brendan became more agitated, he was restless, crouching down one second then standing up the next, he never could cope with the things in life he had no control over. I can still hear his words in my head after the doctor said he was sorry, that there was nothing more he could do.
"Www….what do ye mean?"
"Don't stop…ye got to keep going"
After hearing him so choked up, seeing him so hopeless I had to hold him, I had to show him how genuinely sorry I felt for him. It hurt me to see him this way my whole being ached for him. I grabbed him and held him in my arms; the way he cried out made my chest tighten. I wanted to do everything in my power to make him feel better, I thought I'd seen him broken before but I hadn't, at least not like this. I wanted to fix him but he's no longer my concern, I couldn't show him that kind of feeling anymore but holding him I could do that. My heart was pounding the whole time, not only because of the sadness of the situation but because it felt right to comfort him like I was the only one who could or who even should. It was a hug that was brought about through the terrible tragedy of Lynsey losing her life but that hug meant more than that at least for me. Of course Brendan is too grief stricken right now but when he thinks about it he will know exactly what that hug meant.
I know that Lynsey was Doug's friend and I will comfort him but Brendan needed me and I had to be there for him. What was I supposed to do just walk away? Leave him to it on his own? No I did the right thing I know I did. But to still be thinking of him, wondering who was going to help him that I knew wasn't right. He had Cheryl, they were really close and she needed him now more than ever, so really he didn't need me to worry about him, but I still did. I wanted to tell him that I was here for him whenever he needed me but then what would Doug say, I couldn't do this to him it's not fair. I tried to not think of him but he was there in my head, he'd invaded my brain once more. I swore I'd never let him in there again but seeing him in the despair he was in, and it having such a huge impact on me got me thinking that I can't be over him. I know im not over him. Suddenly I wanted to take back everything that had happened between us lately, the game playing, the eighty thousand, the love letter but I had made my choices and it was all too late. I thought to be a better person, to be happier in myself that I had to be without him and that I had to remove him from my life, but now I know that I can only be complete when I have him in my arms, I feel the happiest there. I never imagined that we would grow apart the way we have.
Everything with Doug happened so quickly and I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love with someone I knew who loved me. Brendan always played too many games and it was always going to be a risk being with him, maybe that's why I choose Doug. Now though what do I see when I think of my future? I honestly don't know. How can everything feel so uncertain after one hug? It wasn't long ago that I was kissing him and I didn't feel this way, or maybe I did but just denied myself those feelings, the ones that only he makes me feel. I always thought that one day we would be together or should I say hoped we would be together and after that hug and the closeness we shared from it, I am having those feelings again. I have tried to ignore it, I have tried to fight it, I have even spent nearly a year getting over it but I feel like im going to burst if I don't tell him soon. I need to tell him now more now than ever that I made a stupid mistake, that it's always going to be him, that i'm sorry and that I love him….still.
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