Episode III: Revenge of the Akatsuki (pt. 2)
"Shizune, what bet did I place with the lowest odds of winning?"
The black haired apprentice quickly went through the tickets. "Hmm, oh, this one. Something about a banker on some no-name village called Ryloth or something. Odds were 5,746,234 to one."
Somewhere, across the universe, the head of the Banking Clan sneezed.
"Oh, you put a 10,000 ryu bet on it and…oh my…you won!" Shizune smiled brightly as the betting house clerk piled up the winnings.
Tsunade's eyes were wide. "Quickly, Shizune, we have no time for dawdling. We've got to get back to Konoha, NOW."
There was only one thing worse than the Legendary Sucker's losses. And that was when she actually won.
Naruto: Attack of the Clones!
A tall, aristocratic looking man with silver hair and a well trimmed beard that came down almost to a point stood looking out at the stars from the bridge of the starship's bridge. The man's dark eyes brooded over the report that had just come in of the ignominious defeat of Wat Tambor, one of the man's most important allies. The Separatist Movement was stalling before it could even gain momentum. The man now known at times as Darth Tyrannus was losing patience, and his Sith master was even less amused.
Jedi Knight Naruto Uzumaki. That was the source of all his woes. That blond haired idiot savant was everywhere at once, thwarting every scheme, and by unforeseeable crazy coincidence as often as not. He had ordered no less than five assassination attempts on the whiskered nuisance, only to meet with failure each and every time. Worse—three of his assassins had been reduced to tears just by listening to the boy talk about his dreams and ambitions and defected to the other side. One of them even ended up joining the boy's harem.
Something had to be done.
Count Dooku turned his glare towards one of the robotic minions at the controls of one of his ships. "Send in the bounty hunters," the former Jedi commanded.
"Roger, roger!" the small droid acknowledged before opening the bridge door.
Four figures in flowing black robes entered, three side by side and trailed by the fourth. They were four extremely weird looking figures in black robes, and that was judging by Galactic standards. To be more specific than that, there was one tall, thin figure with a swirling orange mask with a hole where one eye should be wearing a black robe with red clouds on it, one massive figure with blue skin with teeth and eyes looking like a shark's wearing a black robe with red clouds, one freaky half white and half black guy with a large Venus-fly trap around his head wearing a black robe with red clouds on it, and a pasty faced guy with a giant snake sticking out of his body like a backwards tail wearing a black robe without red clouds.
"Oh wow! A widescreen TV! That's way better than the cheap faded illusion stuff Pein used to let us watch! Tobi likes this a lot!" the one in the orange swirly mask said, looking out at the stars from bridge's view screen as he bounced into the command room excitedly.
"Eh, I don't know. Not much for decorations," the shark-like man replied.
Count Dooku frowned down at the strange bounty hunters who had come at his summoning. Other than the shark-like one, they certainly didn't look all that dangerous.
"Which of you is the leader?" Dooku asked in a commanding tone.
"Oh, Tobi is the leader, Mr. Sith Lord-sempai!" the one in the orange mask said while nodding his head, before tripping on his own robe and falling to the ground. The masked man's voice was something of a high pitched squeak.
"And which of you would be this 'Tobi'?" Dooku asked, his patience with the clowning antics of the masked man wearing thin.
"Oh, Tobi is me!" the orange masked one said, quickly getting back to his feet and giving Dooku a salute. "Tobi is a good boy!"
Dooku scowled. "I have no time for games like this. Droids, dispose of these fools."
A troop of battle droids marched out from the sides, surrounding the bounty hunters. They raised their blasters and then…
The orange masked man was suddenly standing behind them. A swirling, sucking vortex formed from the masked man's eyes and each and every one of the droids in the bunch was sucked into nothing. The battle droids still stationed at the doors opened fire with their blasters, surprisingly aimed dead on to Tobi's form, only for the energy bolts to pass straight through the man as is if he wasn't there.
A single swipe from shark man's massive wrapped bundle, and all the droids in the room were pulverized into scrap. As were many of the control consoles they were sitting at. Fortunately, the navigational control was spared. Dooku raised an eyebrow.
"Very well, Count Dooku," Tobi's voice now dropped low and menacing. "If you have no patience for our theatrics, then perhaps we can get down to business."
"Impressive. I believe the talents of your group may be exactly what I'm looking for to rid myself of the troublesome Jedi. Are you up to the challenge?" Dooku asked in a deep voice.
"It'll be easy," the shark faced man said with confident chuckle, his razor sharp teeth making his smile seem cruelly menacing.
"Good, then let us settle your fee…" Dooku began.
"Republic credits are of no interest to us. The Akatsuki are only interested in one thing," Tobi answered. "The end of the cursed ninja world of death and pain, and the creation of universal peace."
Dooku arched his eyebrow. "You are aware that we are the bad guys, right?"
Tobi waved his hand dismissively. "You want to establish an empire where the Sith Lords rule the galaxy with an iron grip so oppressive that nobody will dare defy you for fear of destruction. Hence, there's peace. That's basically the Akatsuki Plan A."
"Then it appears that our goals are in alignment," Dooku proclaimed.
And that was when the guy with the snake coming out of him started laughing evilly for no apparent reason. "Ku-ku-ku-ku…Ahahahahaha…Kukuku-ku-ku-ku-Hah-ha-ha-ha! Ku-ku-ku-Ha!"
"Who is that guy?" Dooku asked.
"Kabuto, sort of a peripheral member of our group. Sort of latched on to us after his master half died and half got grafted into his body," Tobi whispered.
"KU-KU-KU-Ha! HA-ku-ku-ku! KU-HA-HA-HA! KU-KU-KU-KU HA! HA."
"You know, he's really creepy," Dooku complained.
"That's sort of the whole point of his existence, to creep people out. Oh, and betraying people. You should hear his master's theme music," the plant guy added.
The shark guy—"My name is Kisame! Stop calling me 'the shark guy'!" Kisame demanded, his large sword 'Samehada' also called 'Shark skin' pointing dangerously at the narrator, who very wisely began calling all the characters by their proper names.
"HA-KU-KU-Ha! HA-ku-Ha-ku! KUA-KUA-KUA-HA! KU-KU-KU-KU HA! Ku."
"Okay, we're totally not hiring that guy. Nobody who can cackle more disturbingly than my master can be trusted," Dooku decided.
"Sure, we don't need him," Tobi said, again waving his hand negligently. "A guy who can bring super powerful characters back from the dead and make them functionally immortal while mind controlling them would only unnecessarily complicate the plot—er, I mean, our plans."
"Wait, what was this about 'back from the dead' and 'immortal' you were saying?" Dooku asked, suddenly very interested.
"KU KU KU KU HA HA HA HA KU KU KU KU HA HA HA HA KU HA KU HA KU HA!"
"Nevermind," Dooku said. With a push of a button, a trap door opened up below Kabuto, who then dropped completely out of the story, probably never to be mentioned again. But no promises. "Now, what is it that you wish from the Empir—er—I mean, the Separatist Army in return for your services?"
"A giant squid!" Kisame Hoshigaki (or would you prefer I use the Japanese ordering, sir?) said with a raise of one of his strong, manly hands.
"Plant food!" Zetsu called out excitedly.
"An artificial moon!" Tobi said, shaking his head. "Or maybe a giant gun that can blow up a whole planet!" Then Tobi put his hand on his chin. "Wait, wait! A combination of the two!"
"Oh, Tobi, you and those crazy moon ideas of yours," Kisame said with a laugh.
Count Dooku stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Interesting idea, my friend. Very interesting."
Naruto: Attack of the Clones!
The Jedi Council sat together in conference, the holograms of those unable to be present in person casting spectral images around the room. One after another, the various Jedi gave their reports, beside each one a familiar blond haired figure stood with white helmet in hand and a foxy grin on his face.
"The Separatist army is in full retreat. The Toydarians will remain firmly with the Republic. Jedi Knight Naruto Uzumaki was instrumental in the battle, and performed his duties in the highest tradition of the Order—if a bit boisterously," the image of Master Plo Koon announced.
"The Kaliida Shoals facility was protected, and the Separatists lost an entire fleet in their efforts to destroy it. While I cannot say much for Knight Uzumaki's piloting skills," Kit Fisto said with a laugh, "once even one of his clones got aboard their capital ships, he was a one Jedi army."
"Hey!" the hologram of the clone beside Fisto shouted. "I'm going to be a great pilot, believe it!"
"Knight Uzumaki, you crashed three of your own ships into each other, crippled two transports, and had fourteen of your clones fly into the nearest star before we realized you were a menace in the cockpit and forbade you from flying."
"Well, something was wrong with the controls, it did the opposite of what I thought!"
"And then, when you took control of the Separatist ships, you ended up destroying them when you tried to take them through hyperspace."
"Yeah, but now I know how it feels to die in a supernova, a quasar, and a black hole! That brings me up to 13,006. Good thing dispelled chakra isn't affected by gravity or that might have been bad …"
"With the exception of the loss of the ships he piloted and some minor damage to the fleet, Knight Naruto Uzumaki is to be commended for his actions," Jedi Master Kit Fisto said, completing his report.
A number of other council members gave similar reports, before Obi-wan Kenobi finally stood to give his own. "Despite my initial reservations about Naruto joining the Order, he has become an excellent Jedi. As my padawan learner he taught me at least as much as I taught him. I think we can all say that we are all very fortunate that Naruto joined us, and that he is on his way to being a great Jedi. He still has a tiny problem with attachment…"
The other Jedi masters in the room all rolled their eyes, holographic or real. Mace Windu looked over at the clone beside him with raised eyebrows. "A tiny problem?"
Master Ki Adi Mundi put one fist in the air and called out, "I'm gonna be Hokage one day, believe it! Hey, what do you mean a Jedi can't rule a village?!"
Qui-Gon Jinn followed. "SASUKE! I will bring you back to Konoha!" then quickly turned his head back the other way and shouted, "That is so not an attachment!"
Master Shaak Ti put her hands to her cheeks in a fake moon-eyed expression. "Sakura-chan is definitely going to be in my harem, as soon as I can get her to go out on a date with me!"
"What do you mean, I can't have a harem?" Master Even Piell imitated with his arms crossed indignantly.
"Hey, precious people totally don't count!" Kit Fisto called out boisterously.
A half dozen Naruto clones immediately protested, "I don't sound like that! And I totally don't have a problem with attachments. I'm going to be the best Jedi ever, believe it!"
Unfortunately, the entire council protested along with him in perfect unison, matching his movements and voice perfectly.
A rather miffed group of Naruto clones folded their arms and huffed. "No fair using the Force to mock people," he griped. "I'm not that predictable."
"That's the price you have to pay for being the main character with a comic role, Naruto-kun. You of all people should know that." Qui-Gon Jinn said with a smile while the main character muttered something about a know-it-all metaguy.
"The Separatists have pulled what is left of their forces out of thousands of systems," Obi-wan said with a nod to the other Jedi High Council members. "Our efforts, combined with Naruto's have turned the tide of this battle, possibly even averting what would otherwise have been a very costly war."
"We shouldn't celebrate just yet," Master Windu said. "There's still a darkness surrounding the near future. The Sith are still out there."
"Hmm, very difficult to see the future is," Yoda agreed. "A secret move our enemies are making, but the outcome, impossible it is to see."
"Wait, do you mean this chapter ends in cliff hanger?" Naruto asked in annoyance. "Man, I hate those things."
"Patience, young Uzumaki," Qui-Gon advised, placing a calming hand on his friend. "Let's not overdue the fourth wall breakage."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Fat chance of that."
Naruto: Attack of the Cones!
On a planet far, far away from Coruscant and the Jedi Temple, the first Trade Federation Multi-Troop Transport ship touched down within a heavily forested area, the powerful engines flattening the trees and foliage alike. The sides of the ships quickly opened and extended outwards, revealing thousands of battle droids ready for deployment. Line by line the small metal robots came online, immediately forming into ranks.
"Where are we?" one of the droids, its copper colored cylindrical head turning to regard another of their number. It had a high pitched, whiny sounding voice that would quickly grate on a person's nerves. Unfortunately, all the units had been programmed with the same voice set.
"I've no idea," the second battle unit said, raising its hands in the air, mimicking humanoid interaction for no particular reason.
"We were lucky the commander was ordered to pull us back from that last battle. Another few minutes and we would have been turned into scrap metal."
"Those guys were crazy," the other agreed. "I was told that there wasn't anything more dangerous out there than a Jedi. But a ninja Jedi is actually a lot worse."
"Well, hopefully that's the last we'll see of that guy. If I see another Jedi or another ninja, it will be far too soon."
Before the pair could further continue their conversation, a head appeared out of the ground in front of them. A swirly orange mask resembling a pumpkin on LSD rose up from the dirt at their metal feet, followed by the rest of the black robed body connected to it.
"Good, everything is on schedule," came the sinister voice from behind the mask. The robed man pointed to the division commander. "You there, commander," the man said, gesturing to the single battle droid in the front with the markings of a commander. "Prepare a division of your troops to follow me. Have the rest prepare to march on to the objective."
"Roger, roger," the commander said with a mechanical salute before assigning a division to escort Tobi to his destination.
Tobi stood, looking through the forest towards his objective. "At last, the time has come to bring Konoha to its knees!"
"Konoha, eh?" the first droid noted. "Well, this can't be too bad."