A/N This is another one of my Malec feels after finishing CoLS. I wrote this forever ago, but I decided to edit and post it for you to read. There are spoilers about the end of CoLS in here, so if you haven't finished the book don't read. I hope you like it! Also, this has no correlation with my other story All I Ever Wanted, if you have read that. I think of them in separate headcanons, so neither should you. Also, I realised the title is very similar to another Malec oneshot of mine, but they aren't related either. Sorry for my lack of skill at giving things titles. It's a letter Alec wrote when he went to gather his stuff from Magnus' apartment, and I imagine him leaving it on the counter or a coffee table for Magnus to see when he gets home. I'm thinking about writing a second part to this where Magnus finds the letter, but I'll only do it if this gets enough feedback.
Forever Your Darling
I am so, so sorry, and yet I know my apologies are worth nothing to you. What I did was awful. I should have never even considered it. You were right about Camille, I'm sorry I didn't listen. I understand if you can never forgive me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Not after what I did to you, what I did to us.
You said that I don't trust you. You said I never have. But that's not the case. It's not that I didn't trust you, I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself to love you freely and not screw everything up in the process. Now look where that got me. I trust you more than anyone, Magnus. More than I trust Jace, more than I trust Isabelle, you have seen sides of me that no one else knows about. This was never an issue of trust, I was just afraid. Looking back it seems as though I was always afraid when it came to you, when it came to us. But now I am surer than ever that it is with you that I belong. I know now that it is too late, but I want you to know how scared I was. How scared I was of losing you. I don't like to appear weak, you know this more than anyone, but now I need to tell you everything, no matter how vulnerable it makes me, because you deserve to know. Magnus, you deserve every explanation I can possibly give you, and even then, I know it will never be enough.
When we went to the Seelie Court the other day, Simon mouthed off to the Queen. Even though it was a huge mistake on his part, it was incredibly funny seeing someone as awkward as Simon standing up to the Queen, who is rarely ever mocked. Of course I laughed, we all did. The Queen does not like to be laughed at, of course, so she took the attention off of her and put it all on me.
You're probably wondering why I am telling you all of this, but you'll see. I promise it's not all in vain.
You know how some nights I'll wake up in a cold sweat and I can't breathe and I'm screaming and writing in the bed because of a dream I have had, and you have to talk me down before I can sleep again? And once I'm coherent enough I'll tell you it's nothing and you don't have to worry? I lie, every time I have that nightmare, I lie to you, and it is one of the most foolish things I have ever done. I shouldn't lie to you Magnus, I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just so afraid. So scared that you would think I am weak and you'd leave me. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Those nightmares are the worst dreams I have ever had. Being a Shadowhunter doesn't allow for bad dreams, you grow up learning how to kill all the monsters mundane children fear. You have no reason to be afraid. I've never had a dream like that, so I have never truly known what a nightmare it. But these dreams are worse than those of mundane children. They aren't about demons or monsters, they're about us. In them, I am always an old, old man, and you don't look a day older than you do now. You're beautiful, Magnus, striking and full of life, and I'm just some frail old man. We're sitting together, and I keep saying "I love you", but you won't look at me. You don't hear me, and you don't acknowledge me. It's like you don't even remember who I am. My voice seems to be just another sound in the white noise, and it does nothing to get your attention. And after we've sat there for a while I've started to beg and plead, but you still won't look at me, and then the wind blows and I just disappear. Like ashes floating away in the breeze, forgotten and alone. That's what I am without you, Magnus, lost. But you, you're strong and independent and you'll get up and continue on without me. You keep living life like I never existed. To me, in these dreams, that is the worst thing that could ever happen.
Now back to the Seelie Court. You remember how I said the Queen put the attention on me? She made all of my nightmares, my greatest fears, come true. It was a glamour of course, and it made me look old. My hair turned grey and my skin started to wrinkle. I could feel myself aging, and the whole time all I could think about was what you would think. She taunted me. She told me you'd never want me looking like this. It scared the hell out of me. That's all it was. I was just scared. Scared of losing you, scared you would forget me, scared that all of our efforts, all that it took to finally be together, were for nothing. It was never that I didn't trust you. Because I do. Magnus, you are my closest confidant, my lover and a friend, someone I would always confide in because I know you'll listen. It is with you that I share my worries and my deepest secrets. Not Izzy. Not Jace. Only you. You mean the world to me. You are my world, and I hate to see it all fall apart.
I was so foolish. It was wrong for me to even consider doing to you what Camille was offering. I would give anything, everything to have another try. At you, at us. But in life there are no do-overs. I guess I learned that when Max died. You can't get a second chance, but oh how I wish I could. I'll never stop loving you Magnus. It is clear to me that you don't want my love any longer, but I will give it to you anyway with the slightest hope that you will change your mind. You are, and always will be, my only love. Every day I will miss hearing your voice, smelling your hair, feeling your arms around my waist and your lips sealed against mine. I'll miss your soothing whispers of comfort, your sarcasm and wit, your intelligence. Every day I will long to see you smile one more time and to know that it was because of me. I remember how brightly you smiled in that apartment building's lobby after we thought we defeated Lilith. You looked so happy. We were so happy then, we had so much love and joy and hope. Why can't we go back to that? It is a silly request, but I'll never go a day without thinking about what it would be like if you took me back.
I know you wanted me to gather all my things, but I can't bear to take any of them with me. It makes this all feel too permanent, too real. And even thought I will eventually have to come to terms with it, right now I just want to pretend, just for a little, that maybe I'm not really leaving. I left you all of our photographs together, the ones from our vacation. Hopefully, they will remind you of me, because the last thing I want is for you to forget me. Promise me, Magnus, that you won't forget what we had. Promise me you will always remember our love. It is too painful for me to bear the idea of you forgetting about me when I know I'll never forget you. There is one picture I took though. The one of us kissing under the Eiffel Tower, but it wasn't planned. Surely you remember it? You were holding the camora? Camera? Those mundane words are so confusing. Anyway, you had it stretched out in front of us and we were both smiling, but at the last second we both turned to kiss each other on the cheek, and our eyes went wide when we were met with lips instead. We laughed for a long time afterwards. The other tourists must have thought we were insane. I just think we were happy. But I promise that's the only photo I took. You can have the rest, as long as you'll look at them often and remind yourself of what we once were. I really thought you were it for me, Magnus. After I met you I could never imagine my future without you in it. Even if I could picture a life without you, I don't think I would have ever been able to guess how much it would hurt.
I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving another. Never forget that I love you. You may forget the time we spent together, how we met, why we broke up, why I ever made you happy in the first place, you may even forget why you loved me, but please, I'm begging you, never forget that a boy named Alexander Gideon Lightwood loves you.
It is nice to think that even though we are apart, I will always be your darling.
I'll never stop loving you,
Reviews are always appreciated! I love to get feedback, it makes writing so much more fun. Also, I'm on Tumblr now, so if you want to drop by my url is jcsviolin. I'll follow anyone, and I'd be happy to chat with you about these books, or really anything else of common interest! So drop by and say hello! It would be appreciated! And as always, thank you for reading.