A/N: This is just something I wrote up as a parody of all the Snape as Harry's father fics (and also the Snape comes to the Dursleys fics) out there. I really do enjoy reading them and you'll find I've reviewed nearly every one. This parody is not meant to offend anyone (I write one of these stories myself after all…) But it does poke fun at them, so if you really feel the need to, you can flame me.
9/12/02 - I've edited this story once again, and added a bit on at the end, as well as another requisite scene, and no, I do not know where a special edition Lego set with Peeves may be found:) Thanks to everyone who's reviewed. Cheers.
Disclaimer: Harry isn't mine. Neither is Snape. Neither is the rest of Rowling's universe for that matter.
Harry Potter sat at the Dursleys dinner table and took a second helping of potatoes. He grinned around a mouth full of food. The summer of his fifth-year had been the best ever. The Dursleys had received a letter from Sirius at the beginning of the holidays, and ever since, had been treating him with a large amount of caution. He was fed well and he even received a birthday present of a book from them.
The only thing bothering him was when he had looked in the mirror this morning. For some reason his normally unruly black hair was turning blonde. There was no doubting the thick streak of yellow that was beginning to encroach on the black. Even worse, his nose was getting larger by the minute. The changes were beginning to bother him, especially that heart shaped birthmark that had appeared on his, well let's just say it appeared. He considered writing his friends for advice, or even Sirius but decided against it. The Weasley twins had probably just cursed the birthday cake he had been sent or something. That reminded him.
"May I have another piece of cake, Aunt Petunia?" he asked politely. She gave him a nervous look, but got up to give him another piece of cake. Then she asked him if she could let Dudley have another piece as well. Harry graciously gave his assent. He took a bite of the chocolate cake and chewed blissfully. This really was his best summer ever.
Severus Snape approached the Headmaster's office with a certain amount of trepidation. Albus had been calling him into his office about once a week since summer started. He always had a ridiculous request that he somehow compelled Severus into doing. Severus had only been mildly irritated at being asked to play a friendly game of monopoly. Even the request for a written analysis of who he thought would win the latest round of Big Brother had been met with only a faint nervous tick on Snape's part. Albus was his friend after all, and without him Severus would be in Azkaban today. But if he was asked to find another set of manacles, some cherries and an extra strong love potion, he was quitting today.
He walked up to the gargoyle, but before he could speak the password, Remus Lupin appeared out of nowhere.
"He'll find out, Severus," said the werewolf.
"What in name of hell are you talking about? When did I give you permission to use my first name, and what are you doing here during the summer?" demanded an outraged Snape. "I thought you had that nice little cottage in Cornwall." Lupin looked a bit shocked.
"I do, don't I?" he murmured, then seemed to come back to himself. "You can't keep it a secret much longer, Severus. He'll find out about you knowing that he knew about you knowing about it."
"What it?" screamed Snape. "And who's he?" Remus gave him a knowing look.
"Harry," he said. Snape sighed. He didn't want to deal with this right now.
"Look Lupin. If this is about his potions grade, the Headmaster already told me I couldn't fail him three years in a row." He was disappointed in that, but took solace in the idea of failing him during his sixth-year.
"But-" said Lupin.
"If you'll excuse me, I have to talk to the Headmaster," said Snape through gritted teeth. "Jelly babies." The gargoyle moved aside and he dashed up the stairs to Albus' office, hoping that the obviously crazed werewolf wouldn't follow him.
Albus was building a Lego model of Hogwarts when he entered. Severus groaned inwardly. Somehow he anticipated being asked to do a ridiculous favour like fetching the special edition Lego set that featured Peeves. Dumbledore snapped a flag into place on one of the towers before turning his attention to Severus.
"Sit down, Severus," he said. Dumbledore studied the Lego version of Snape for a moment before turning to him. "I have a favour to ask of you." Severus braced himself.
"I need you to go fetch Harry Potter for me. The Dursleys have been horribly abusing the boy. His letters are full of cheerful stories but his friends assure me that Harry is never allowed to be that happy."
"Why should I go fetch him?" asked Snape. "Lupin is just downstairs." Dumbledore looked stumped for a moment, then his face brightened.
"Remus is going on a mission for me. A long mission, very far away from here. He won't be returning for ages. Ages. And no, I can't fetch Harry myself, because I'm not allowed to leave Hogwarts, despite leaving the castle countless times in the books. And no, I can't ask one of the other professors to do it, since they all have busy and fulfilling lives outside of Hogwarts that I couldn't possibly intrude on." Dumbledore ran out of breath. Severus searched for another objection.
"The Weasl-" he began.
"Are not safe for Harry," said Albus quickly. "Yes. They're not safe."
"Hagrid c-" tried Snape again.
"Too big," said Albus. Severus gave him an incredulous look.
"Hagrid is too big to pick up Harry Potter," said Snape slowly. Albus looked a bit sheepish, but nodded his agreement.
"You can't be serious," said Snape, since that's what he always had to say to Albus in these situations.
"Just go fetch Harry Potter," said Dumbledore with a strange gleam in his eye. "Or else you could stay and start brewing a love potion for me and-"
"I'll go!" Snape leapt up and out of the room. Behind him, Albus fondly pet the little lego figure of him self, then placed it back in his drawer.
Harry was taking another big bite out of his cake when Severus Snape apparated into the Dursleys' kitchen. He put down the forkful of chocolate cake and watched the Dursleys cringe away from the obviously irate wizard.
Snape surveyed the scene before him with a sneer. The table was practically sagging under the food. Potter had a huge piece of chocolate cake before him and it looked like he had grown over the summer. The boy's hair had a streak of blonde in it as well, which Snape could have told him did not go well with the boy's pale complexion. Despite that paleness, Potter still looked more healthy and alive, then well, Snape himself. There was no sign of abuse, except maybe the boy's nose was swelling a bit.
"Get your things, Potter!" he barked. Potter just stared at him.
"Why?" he asked, and took a bite of his cake. "I'm perfectly fine right here." Snape frowned. Albus had clearly been wrong, but if he came back without Potter he might be brewing love potions until school started again. He shuddered. He couldn't take that.
"You're being horribly abused, Potter. I'm sure your back is just crisscrossed with belt marks." Harry frowned at him, but turned around and pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a unmarked back. "I'm sure your left arm is being held at an odd angle because it's been broken in a fit of rage from your uncle," said Snape. Potter stared at him for a moment, then slowly straightened his left arm.
"I was just holding it that way so I didn't elbow, Dudley," explained the boy.
"Do you have any paper-cuts?" Snape asked desperately. Harry shook his head. "Bugger." He thought hard, trying to think of a way to get Potter to come back to Hogwarts with him. An evil grin crossed his face.
"If you don't come with me, Potter. I'm going to stay here," said Snape. He conjured up a chair and pulled it up to the table, ignoring how Potter's relatives cringed away from him. "A piece of cake would be nice," he said in a mockingly pleasant tone to Potter's aunt. She gaped at him. "Now!" She got the cake. Across the table, Potter was staring at him in horror.
"You can't do that," protested the boy weakly. Snape just sneered at him.
"Get your things, Potter," he said after Potter's aunt placed a huge piece of cake in front of him. The boy sighed, but went to get his things. Snape stared at the cake in front of him. There was no harm in taking a bite while he waited was there?
Harry pretended that he did not have anything to do with Snape as he stepped away from the banana peel portkey that the wizard held in his hand. There was still a smudge of chocolate on the older wizard's cheek. Who would have thought the Potion's master was such a chocoholic?
He walked off the Quidditch field, followed by Snape who was licking his fingers. They entered the school and met Headmaster Dumbledore there.
"Ah! Severus. Harry. Did you have a chance to bond over the horror of the Dursleys?" he asked. Harry shook his head no.
"There was no abuse, Albus. The Dursleys were perfectly reasonable," accused Snape. The glare wasn't half as effective when he had a large smear of chocolate on his face.
"Aunt Petunia gave him some cake," said Harry. "He bonded with the cake." Dumbledore didn't seem to hear them.
"I see the change has already started," he said after surveying Harry. Harry's hand went immediately to the blond streak in his hair. He could hear Snape mumble something that sounded suspiciously like 'Lockhart'.
"Can I go to my room now, Headmaster?" asked Harry hopefully. Dumbledore assumed a stern look.
"There is something I must tell you both," he said. "Come with me." Harry sighed. He put his trunk down on the floor for the house elves and followed.
They ended up in the Headmaster's office because everything important must always be discussed there. Remus Lupin was there working on a lego set of Hogwarts for some odd reason as well.
"Ah, Remus. I'm glad you're here," said Dumbledore as Harry and Snape found seats.
"You told me to be here waiting, Headmaster," said Lupin. "You said it was
important to the plot."
"Right. Well, take a seat." He turned to Harry. "Now, I know you've been going through some changes Harry. Ever since your fifteenth birthday, yes?"
"Since this morning," said Harry doubtfully.
"Great! And you've already noticed a huge change in your appearance. It wouldn't do for these things to happen gradually," said Dumbledore.
"Yes, Sir," said Harry, wondering what the old wizard was going on about. He hoped it wasn't about socks again. He had received at least three letters about socks from Dumbledore this summer, each one longer than the last. He was beginning to wonder if Dobby had taken over the school.
"Would you just get to the point, Albus," said Snape impatiently. Lupin spoke up.
"This is about you as well, Severus. You fifteen-years ago to be precise." Snape looked blank.
"What about me?" he asked.
"You slept with Lily Potter," said Remus bluntly. Harry stared at them, then the mental image of Snape getting it on with anyone caused him to faint.
"He always has to faint at least once in these fics, doesn't he?" asked Dumbledore of no one in particular. Once Harry had woken up, and Dumbledore had played a game of pick-up sticks with a reluctant Snape and an enthusiastic Lupin, they resumed their conversation.
"I never slept with Lily Potter," said Snape.
"Remember the red head with the high heeled shoes and the black dress?" asked Lupin.
"No." Remus sighed.
"Smoking a cigar?" he asked. Snape jumped up.
"That was her?" he demanded.
"No. That was me," said Remus. "You had to have slept with her, Severus."
"Stop using my given name!" Severus thought a bit. "She wouldn't have happened to have a taste for leather and a penchant for wearing a false beard?"
"That's Sirius," said Remus. Harry fainted again.
"No more fainting, Harry. We're over our quota," admonished Dumbledore when he had woken up. Remus and Severus were still going over the details.
"That's McGonagall," said Remus after another of Snape's descriptions.
"As I recall, Lily used to always wear a blonde wig and paint herself green," said Dumbledore. They all stared at him.
"I do remember the green paint," said Severus faintly. He didn't want to know how Albus knew that.
"I wish I did," muttered Remus.
"What does this have to do with anything?" asked Harry.
"We had to establish some back story before we told you," said Remus.
"Told me what?" Harry asked.
"Severus is your father, Harry," said Dumbledore gently. "Severus, Harry is your son."
Snape felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. "Where did that come from?" he wondered. He decided to ignore it.
"Uhm, Sir," said Harry. "His hair is black. My hair is turning blonde." Dumbledore looked over at Snape, who sighed.
"Blonde is my natural hair colour," explained Snape. "I've been dyeing it for years. Blonde just doesn't go with my complexion."
"Then it's true?" asked Harry. "Don't we have to do some sort of test?"
"Only if you want this story to have more pointless scenes, Harry," said Dumbledore in his gentlest tones.
"What do we do now?" asked Harry.
"Well, first we have to injure you," said Dumbledore matter-of-factly.
"You can't have a meaningful talk with Severus unless you're in the hospital wing, though I suppose Severus' chambers would do in a pinch." The Headmaster looked thoughtful. "It's a shame to waste a good hospital scene though."
"Poppy is away for the summer," reminded Snape. Dumbledore looked disappointed.
"Well then, off to your chambers, Severus! The author needs a chance to describe them in excruciating detail, and if you don't have a couch, you better transfigure one. Harry's going to be sleeping on it a lot." And with that, Dumbledore turned back to his Lego Hogwarts, accidentally knocking the Lego version of Voldemort off of one of the towers. "Oops. Sorry, Tom."
Harry: You hate me! You'll always hate me.
Snape: I don't hate you…I hate Snape tries to come up with a plausible answer obnoxious little brats who always get special treatment and fame. Wait. That's you isn't it? Never mind.
Harry: It's okay. I forgive you.
Snape: I cuckolded James Potter.
Harry: I still forgive you.
Snape: I raped your mother.
Harry: I still forgive you.
Snape: I ate the last box of cheerios.
Harry: That was you? You ba-
Harry: So why did the disguise wear off on my fifteenth birthday? What's so special about fifteen?
Lupin: Fifteen is a wonderful number.
Lupin: desperately It can be divided into by five and three, and if you double it you get thirty.
Harry: You don't know why either, do you?
Harry: Snape is my father.
Hermione: Oh, Harry! That's wonderful, but it must be so traumatizing for you. I'm suddenly feeling very supportive and motherly. Do you need a hug?
Ron: No! Once again you achieve one of my goals while leaving me by the way side, because I wanted to be Snape's son! I need to act irrationally now to add tension.
Harry: He's my father Sirius.
Sirius: Argh! Must kill Snape! Then destroy Tokyo.
Harry: I had a nightmare/saw Voldemort killing some people/had indigestion. Can I sleep here, Dad?
Snape: You're a little old for this. You do realize that?
Harry: Thanks, Dad.
Snape: to himself What is this highly irrational urge to by fatherly and out of character? I wonder if I can brew a potion like this…
Snape: hugs Harry I love you Son.
Harry: I love you Dad.
The Readers: Aww.
If you are wondering why the story ends so abruptly, it's because I can only think of two Snape as Harry's father story that actually have endings. Most of them are languishing in plot-dom somewhere between scenes 1-5. So to all the authors out there, please finish:)
Let me know what amused you the most. Please review:)