Hey, this is my second fiction ever. It contain Niam and self-harm. Don't like, don't read. Please review and so on. ALSO I DON'T OWN ONE DIRECTION
Niall gasped as the cold metal ripped across his wrist, but he continued to persevere in his self-harm. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he dragged the razor across his skin over and over, letting the physical pain take over all his thoughts and over-ride his mental pain. Blood poured from the cuts but he relented until his arm was covered. Eventually he looked down at the mess of his arm and dropped the razor in shock. He'd never cut this much before.
Niall couldn't believe he did it here of all places, the bathroom of Harry and Louis's house after a party. The other members of One Direction were probably still here, and a few hangers-on from the party too. He couldn't have him see him like this; he hadn't cut since before he made it onto X-Factor. X-Factor had been his savior, tearing him out of his terrible home life, the bullying, his abusive father and dullness assured of a life in Ireland. However, X-Factor had ultimately been his downfall too. He knew he was destined to fall again when he first laid eyes on Liam Payne. It was at that moment that Niall realized he was not bisexual, as he had thought, and secretly hoped, but full out, completely gay. It was like a simultaneous feeling of both relief at finally realizing what he was and dread at knowing he would not be able to contain these feelings forever. He even considered dropping out of X-Factor at that moment, but he soldiered on thinking he could contain himself. It was during the party that he was hit with the awful comprehension that he couldn't.
Watching girls swooning and flirting all over Liam had been difficult enough. Some fans had no restraint at all, literally throwing themselves at him and pulling at his clothes. It was ten times worse when Louis was touchy-feely with him. They all knew that was just how Louis was, a personal space invader by nature, and everything he did was just a joke, but he still couldn't help wanting to tell Louis to get off Liam and go play with Harry or something. Niall wanted to be the only one to touch Liam like that.
And now tonight, trying to drown a particularly nasty call from his father out of his mind with alcohol, he came across Liam in the corner sucking face with a beautiful black haired girl. He couldn't take it anymore. He ran to the bathroom and locked himself in, snapping one of Louis's razors off the counter and sawing at his wrist before he even knew what he was doing. And he'd been there ever since. He knew the party had almost ended, he'd been in there for ages and the music and chatter was dying down. He had to leave now before someone found him. But he couldn't more from his fetal position on the floor, and the tears kept coming.
Time passed and eventually the moment he had been dreading arrived, the door handle shook as someone attempted to open the locked door. Niall just stared at it blankly.
"Someone in there?" called a voice from the other side. Niall recognized the voice; it was Zayn.
Niall spoke without thinking. "Yeah, it's taken," he called back, shocked by how hoarse his voice was. "Go away."
"Oh, is it you Ni?" replied Zayn. "You okay man? We thought you'd hooked up with some girl and gone home."
This comment particularly hurt, and he was itching to respond with something like, "No I'm not okay, and only if that girl was a guy and only if that guy was Liam would I have hooked up with someone and gone home," but he went for the safe response and said "I'm fine, just leave me alone."
There was a silence behind the door, then Zayn said "okkaaaaayyyyy…." And the sounds of his feet padded off down the hallway and Niall resumed his stare of the wall as his wrists began to sting painfully. He was now lying in a small pool of his own blood. He wanted to lie here forever and never have to deal with anyone again.
So it was to his immense shock and fear when he heard a conversation echoing down the hall.
"I'm telling you," he heard Zayn say. "There's something really wrong. He didn't sound like his usual bubbly Irish self. He sounded sick or something."
"Well he was drinking a lot," a voice replied thoughtfully. Niall identified it as Harry. "That could have been it."
"I dunno," a third voice said, which to Niall's intense panic, belonged to Liam. "We all know Ni, when he gets drunk, he gets louder, not quieter."
"Fine, if it's bothering you so much why don't we just pick the lock or something?" Louis. "Go get us one of your hairclips Haz." Niall leapt shakily to his feet and began frantically searching for a towel or something to mop up with. He couldn't have them see him like this. Vaguely in his panic he heard Harry respond.
"I'm not your bitch-"
"-yet-" Louis interjected.
"-I do not own a hairclip-"
"-and shouldn't we respect Niall's privacy? He's probably throwing up or something, nobody wants people to see them doing that."
Niall paused in his fear, a tiny blue flannel clutched against his arm. He couldn't hide any of this. His clothes were soaked in blood, his arm and the floor likewise. This could be his first scrap of luck since he met Liam Payne.
"Okay," Louis conceded finally. "We won't bust it open. But we should probably still check on him, what if he chokes on his own vomit like Bon Scott or Elvis?" There were 'ew' noises from his band mates and Niall's heart fell. "Liam, you're the best at getting Niall to do stuff, make him open the door."
Niall sunk down the wall as he heard Liam agreeing to this, sounded concerned. He was screwed now. He couldn't refuse anything from Liam, they could argue about it for a few minutes but eventually Liam would win. Apparently everyone else had noticed that too. He felt even more stupid and useless again, tempted to pick up the razor and do it all again. But they were coming down the hall and his previous cuts were still stinging and bleeding profusely. Tears pricked his eyes and began to fall again. He hoped no one would ever find out about any of this, least of all Liam. He stared at the door and waited for his doom to arrive.
There was a slight knock on the door. "Ni?" Liam called. "You okay in there man?"
"Yeah," he replied as steadily as he could, but still his voice was hoarse and wobbly from crying. "Fine, please leave me alone."
"Sorry man, we're worried about you." he replied gently. "Let us in."
"No," he whispered.
"What's the matter? Did something happen?"
"No, I'm fine Liam! Just leave me alone!" He cried back, wishing everyone would just leave.
"I swear to god I will break this fucking door down if you don't let me in Ni," he threatened. "Open it."
Niall didn't doubt that. He didn't want the others to see him though.
"Just you?" he asked feebly.
"What?" he replied, confused.
"Just you," he repeated weakly. "I don't want the others seeing this."
There was some mumbling and whispering behind the door, and then the noises of feet retreating down the hall.
"I sent them away," Liam replied. "Will you please open the door now?"
Niall took a deep breath. Then he got shakily to his feet and opened the door a crack so only his head showed. "See?" he said, throwing his last hope in the wind. "I'm fine."
Liam stood expectedly at the doorway, looking at him critically. "You don't look sick-" he began, the paused. "Is that blood?" he asked suddenly, pointing to a small lock of Niall's hair encrusted with what was indeed blood. Tears filled Niall's eyes.
Liam forced the door completely open and gaped at Niall. Niall just looked down at the blood-covered floor, his gored arm limply at his side as he dripped on the tiles. He wished the floor would swallow him whole. He wished he'd cut the right way and ended this all. But more than ever he wished he'd never met Liam Payne.
That was, until he heard the door click shut and was encased in Liam's strong, warm arms. This in itself was a surprise, but he was even more shocked to find Liam shaking. With tears.
"Why?" he sobbed. "Why would you do that to yourself?"
Tears began to pour down Niall's cheeks again. "I'm sorry. I don't know, I'm sorry," he cried. "I'm sorry…"
He couldn't hold himself up anymore and he sank to the floor. As one, Liam dropped with him, rubbing his back and crying as Niall wept into his shoulder. It wasn't long until he felt Liam stop crying however, and he suddenly felt stupid again for thinking Liam even cared at all. He pulled away slightly, but Liam still kept a strong grip on his waist so Niall was forced to look him in his beautiful brown eyes.
"Why," he said. Niall merely shook his head vigorously. He couldn't answer that, it would mean both coming out as gay and confessing his feelings to Liam himself.
"Why," he repeated. More head shaking.
"WHY." Furious tears were starting to build.
"WHY NIALL JAMES HORAN?"
Niall couldn't take it anymore, it flooded out of him.
"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU LIAM PAYNE! I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU SINCE THE DAY WE MET! AND THIS IS HARD ENOUGH FOR ME BEING GAY BUT WITH ALL THE GIRLS AROUND YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOUR SO CLEARLY NOT GAY I JUST WANT TO DIE ESPECIALLY SEEING YOU TONIGHT WITH THAT BLACK HAIRED GIRL AND-"
IT was then that Liam's lips on his cut off Niall's yelling. At first all that registered was shock. But then he realized what was happening and he began kissing him back enthusiastically, pressing himself hard against Liam. Finally, they broke apart panting. Niall didn't even know what to say, but apparently Liam did.
"Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that?" he whispered. "I only hook up with girls to try and convinced myself nothing could ever happen with you. I've loved you since I first met you. I will always be there for you." he hesitated for a second, then continued on. "Will you be my boyfriend?"
Niall began to cry, but it was now happy tears. It was the happiest moment of his life, like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He'd finally let out what he'd been holding in for so long, and he felt light headed with relief. Or blood loss, he acknowledged to himself. "Yes," he whispered.
His face broke into a huge smile. He lifted Niall gently to his feet saying, "Let's go get you cleaned up," with a grin adding "baby cakes."
Niall smiled, slightly woozy, then suddenly paused. "No," he said fearfully, "what about the others…?"
"Hun, they'll find out about the cutting eventually, and you know they'll be understanding either way."
He shook his head in fright, looking like a small child being brought to a detention. "What about the other people that were here before?" he babbled. "The guests?"
Liam thought for a second, and then stuck his head around the door. "Guys?" he called. "Are all the guests gone?"
"Yeah," came Harry's reply. "Is Ni alright?"
"He'll be out in a second," answered Liam. Niall shook his head vigorously again.
"I can't," he mumbled. "I can't, my legs are all shaky…"
Liam considered this, then looped one of his arms around Niall's waist and held his not mutilated hand with the other, reaching across himself to do so.
"You've got me to support you," he murmured, and that was all the support he needed. They left the bathroom and walked down to the living room like this.
As they entered the room, their three band mates looked up in relief to finally see them from their various positions around the room. Their relieved looks changed, however, when they noticed the blood that covered Niall, and, by extension, Liam. Harry and Louis actually gasped out loud; Zayn merely gaped. Louis was the first to react, he leapt down from his seat on the countertop and strode over to the pair, grasping Niall's wrist and turning it over to expose the numerous cuts that covered it.
"What did you do, Niall?" he cried, examining the cuts critically. "These are deep…"
Zayn hurried over next, holding his arm delicately and inspecting it too. "Why Niall?" he asked softly. Niall just looked at the floor, barely holding himself up. He was glad Liam was there or this would have been too hard. Blood loss alone was making him incredibly dizzy, now nervousness and fear piled into the mix and he was a wreck.
Harry walked over too, and to his befuddled surprise leaning down and grabbing his legs. "C'mon guys, save the questions for later," he said. "He looks like he's gonna faint…"
This much was definitely true, he could barely hold his eyes open as he was lifted by his band-mates and carried to the couch. Vaguely he heard Liam giving instructions- "Lou, go get towels," and "Zayn, call a doctor," as he drifted out of consciousness.
Waking up was a strange sensation. It was not a gradual wakening, he woke instantly and was surprised to find himself look directly up at a poster of none other than Harry Styles. For a few seconds he wondered if he had been kidnapped by a fan, but then remembered that Louis had a poster of Harry in his room as a joke. He confirmed his suspicions that he was in Louis's room when he rolled over to find a picture frame of Louis's family on the bedside table and Liam asleep on chair beside the bed, his head leaning on the mattress.
For a few moments he merely stared at Liam's beautiful face, drinking in every part of him. Then he found himself vaguely wondering why he was in Louis's room, why Liam was asleep so close to him and why he felt so heavy and all the memories of the night before came crashing back. What he'd done. How everyone knew about it now. How he'd confessed to Liam. Did Liam tell them about that? Had Liam only asked him out to make him feel better?
These insecurities swirled around his head and he kneaded his eyes with his hands, drawing his attention to the thick white bandage on his left wrist. His anxiety skyrocketed. How would he cover this from the fans? Liam surely wouldn't want to go out with a wrist-cutter…
"Babe! Your awake!" Niall practically jumped a foot, in his contemplation he'd completely forgotten Liam was there. He couldn't find words as Liam stretched and leaned across to kiss him gently on the cheek. Liam smiled cheerfully and continued talking.
"Are you feeling okay? You passed out from blood loss; we had to call a doctor. The others were in a right state; Lou was practically hysterical waiting for the doc to come. You were so pale! Are you dizzy now?" He looked at Niall's face more closely. "Is something the matter? Is it something I said? If it's the doctor, don't worry, he was paid well for his silence-"
"Why," Niall interrupted quietly. Liam looked confused so he continued on. "Why do you even want to go out with me?"
"Huh?" replied a baffled Liam.
"I don't get it!" Niall exclaimed bitterly. "I don't get why you, perfect Liam Payne, would want to go out with me. So please just answer me this." He took a deep breath. "Are you just going out with me to make me feel better about myself?"
Niall watched as the look on Liam's face changed from shock to hurt and then to anger.
"You think I just say I love you to anyone?" he seethed. "You are the first person I've ever said it to! I meant everything I said last night! I can't believe you don't believe me!"
Niall looked dejectedly into his lap. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I just don't get the appeal you see in me. Especially with this…" he raised his left arm limply and dropped it back on the sheets, wincing slightly at the sudden burst of pain. He looked up to Liam, intent on continuing more of an apology, but his plan was cut short by Liam's lips on his. Like before, Niall was completely taken aback, but unlike last time Liam pulled away before he had time to respond, much to his disappointment. Liam looked him straight in the eyes, smiling slightly.
"Stop downgrading yourself. I love you for you. Things like this," he said, indicating to Niall's bandaged arm, "They're not deal-breakers, they're things I want to be the one to help you with, so we can come out the other side together. You're my boyfriend and I love all of you. All your little quirks, everything. I love you and nothing will change that."
Niall smiled, one of the first proper smiles he'd had in weeks. Whispering, "I love you Lee-lee," and leaning in for a kiss, he thought nothing could ruin this perfect moment. That was until they heard a little 'hem, hem," from the doorway and quickly looked up to see Harry, Louis and Zayn standing in a row, arms crossed and smirking.
"I thought you told us everything, Lee-lee," grinned Louis. "I suppose this is just a part you neglected to mention?"
Niall and Liam leapt apart, blushing. They both started stammering excuses, but Harry cut in.
"You guys have got a lot of explaining to do," smirked Harry.
Niall sighed and looked at Liam, but Liam was just grinning sheepishly. Just seeing Liam's smile brought one to his face, and he knew this was just the first hurdle in their relationship. But he knew they'd face all their problems together and come out the other side together. He felt confident, for the first time in his life. He felt confident that Liam Payne was all his. And he felt confident that if he had Liam, he could do anything.