My alarm went off all too soon, just letting me know in the cruelest way that this wasn't a dream. I yawned and turned over. Now, facing my door I could see the outline of my dad, he was poking his head through the open barrier and gave me a sheepish smile, in an attempt to lighten my mood.
"Are we going to talk about it?" He asked, stepping further into my room.
"No." I mumbled and pulled my covers over my head.
"You have to go to school Stiles. You've laid in bed all weekend. Get up."
"Dad, please, just this once can you respect my privacy and leave me alone?"
"Respect your privacy?" He spat, but not at all angry. Sad is more the term I'd use.
"All I do is respect your privacy Stiles. Don't you think I know you've been lying to me? That you are never home anymore? That now I'm the one listening to the police radio to make sure you're okay?"
I sat up, surprised. "Dad I-"
"You're a good kid, I trust you so I don't push. But right now, I'm pushing. Get up."
He waited too, until I moved my sorry ass out of bed.
"I-" I mumbled, dumbfounded.
"No time, you're going to be late for school. Go." He nodded and left the room. The front door shut moments later. I sat back on my bed, like the wind was knocked out of me.
I'm so oblivious.
I picked Scott up from his house because I just needed to be with someone. I dodged him all weekend, I ignored everyone. Even Allison texted me a few times to see if I was okay. I was silent from the moment he got in the jeep, and he thankfully didn't push.
"Did you catch the Met game Saturday night?" Scott asked, breaking the thick cloud of silence.
I smiled, I had to. "You hate baseball." I mumbled.
"But you don't." I turned to Scott then. This is my best friend. The kid I've known since that first day of kindergarten. I don't give him enough credit, sure a lot has happened this year, and sure he's been distant but he's my best friend, and right now I wasn't ashamed to say that I needed him.
I pulled the jeep off to the side of the road, cut the engine and laid my head on the steering wheel.
"God. Why does it hurt so bad?" I questioned above a whisper.
"I think it's called heartbreak. You know, about two million songs are written about it." He answered.
I smiled. Now where have I heard that before?
"I can't face her today, Scott." I looked up at him. "I can't."
"Yes you can."
"No, I called her a monster. I was acting like a jealous boyfriend and I hurt her."
Scott heard the tenderness in my voice, and reached over to lay a strong hand on my shoulder.
"She'll get over it. I mean, she's Lydia for crying out loud."
I know he was trying to make me feel better, but saying her name only made my stomach flip.
"We're going to be late." I mumbled,starting the jeep and getting us to school.
"Jackson's missing. His parents filed a missing person's report last night." Allison informed.
"After school I'll go look for him. He's too dangerous right now for anyone to handle"
"Did you end up telling your dad?" I asked in between the love birds eye sex.
"No." She looked away. "He'd kill Jackson."
I nodded. It sounded pretty appealing.
"How are you, really?" Allison asked softly.
I took a breath, but her eyes left mine, looking behind me.
Looking at Lydia.
I turned too, and her movement slowed. She wouldn't look at me.
"Scott, Allison." She smiled. "Stiles." She mumbled, coldly.
I sighed, muttering a 'gotta go' and heading anywhere but here.
This was weird. I was so used to ogling over Lydia Martin. So used to pinning away and trying to match her pace, just so I could see her. Tried so hard to catch her eye, or smile at her, or talk to her. And now? Now I'm walking away from a situation like we just broke up. Because even though she doesn't have those feelings about me, and probably just tolerated me because of Allison, I felt like something was there. Like when she held my hand ice skating a week and a half ago, or almost let me in that night she cried in her car. I started to think she trusted me, really believed in the friendship she so loosely labeled. She had to feel something. And now it was gone.
School was a haze, a dark, long, emotional-less haze. All I wanted to do was go home. This wasn't me, but now it somehow was. I never really thought about a life without Lydia. Even when she didn't talk to me she was still there, just for show. But now, she distorted every feeling I've ever felt for her. She took it all away and I couldn't forgive that. I couldn't forgive myself either, for putter her so high.
I made it home, promising to call Scott if I heard anything about Jackson on the police radio, and headed up to my room to lay in bed and wallow. What was I? A teenage girl?
"Oh my god." I jumped when I entered my room and realized I wasn't alone.
"What the hell?" I yelled, running a hand over my growing hair.
"Sorry." She mumbled, I sensed amusement.
"How did you get in here?"
I demanded throwing my backpack down and propping myself against the door.
"The window." She deadpanned.
I looked at the window above my desk, debating how she'd be able to climb.
"The front door genius." She spat. "Obviously." Her eyes rolled.
I scoffed and took a seat in my desk chair.
"What do you need, Lydia?" I asked.
"To talk." It was simple, and not at all what I wanted.
"I'm actually busy. Rain check?" I retorted.
"No Stiles. You're going to talk to me."
She almost sounded like me at that stupid dance Allison tricked her into going to with me.
"I honestly, and Lydia this may come as a shock to the both of us, have nothing to say to you."
"Well I have something to say to you."
Lydia stood up, looking adorably- no annoyingly determined.
"What you said Friday night, that really hurt me Stiles." She began.
"And we both know I'm not one to admit when I'm hurt." That is true..
"I do not have to answer to you, Stiles. I can kiss, or talk to or do whatever I want to whoever I want."
She bit her lip.
"You're not my dad, or my boyfriend, or my keeper. And you had no right to act the way you did."
Lydia sat back down now, I could literally see the anger leave her green eyes.
"But you were right." She mumbled. No more fire to her words.
"I am selfish. I am so, so selfish." She put her head down.
"I had a laps of judgment kissing Jackson that night, and both our feelings aside, I know all the lengths you have gone to, to keep me safe."
"What?" I asked. "How?"
"Allison told me. You were there that night on the lacrosse field and you were at the hospital every day, and you ran around the woods looking for me, and you- you-" She stopped.
"You deserve someone great." She finished.
It was a simple statement. Usually one I never had any feeling towards. It's what my mom used to say, it's what relatives that don't even know you say, it's something I never really wanted Lydia to say.
It means that you aren't the one. It means that they never bothered to take your feelings into consideration. It means that there was no chance in hell she was going to ever like me. Ever.
"You deserve someone who is going to care about you in a way I don't think I could."
I got up, and paced the length of my room. Was she letting me down or trying to get me not to hate her?
I really couldn't tell. All I know is that it hurt like a bitch.
"Why are you here, Lydia?" I asked again.
"I just told-" She started, furrowing her brows.
"No, you wouldn't come all the way here just to tell me that you're not good enough, that you're not going to ever feel that way because you don't care about things like that. You live in the stupid moment, and kissing Jackson was so in the moment and yeah, you're right. It isn't my business who you kiss. But now, now that Jackson is dangerous, more than usual, it is. Because maybe I deserve someone great, but Lydia I haven't been able to think of another girl in eight years, you're it for me."
I watched her eyes swell with tears I never dreamed she'd cry for me.
"and secretly I think you enjoy that a little too much to honestly mean any of this."
"Because I'm selfish?" She answered solemnly
"No, because you're human. And human is something I need right now."
I could never hate her. I wasn't sure if that made me happy or pathetic. Maybe Lydia wasn't the one, maybe one day, far from now, I will find a girl who is perfect for me, but even though she kissed Jackson and let herself feel something for him again, and even though she was sitting here telling me that she could never love me, I'm not giving up on her. She is going to be so much more than this one day. So much more than the girl that was in a series of 'animal attacks' or Jackson Whittmore's ex girlfriend. She is going to show the world that she's brilliant and beautiful and everything I see when I look at her. Maybe I do deserve someone great, someone who is nothing like Lydia Martin but right now, I am too tired to care, and too involved to look back.
But things needed to change.