Here's another Blue Exorcist fic! Another angsty Rin, since I can't write happy things.

I feel really bad for writing Suguro as the antagonist in this fic since he's one of my favorite characters...

Disclaimer: I do not own Ao No Exorcist/Blue Exorcist.


It took everything in his willpower not to cry.

Don't you dare shed a tear, Rin Okumura, don't you fucking dare.

Instead, he squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists.

"Do you even understand the loss that we had? The toll our temple paid? We lost so many that night… so many! What could you possibly understand about loss, huh, you damn brat?"

Rin shook as memories of Father Fujimoto played behind his eyelids. When Satan possessed him, when he said he was going to get his son back…


The son that had betrayed him and told him never to act like his father again.

Don't cry. Don't yell. Don't. Do. Anything.

Suguro was angry, and Rin didn't know why. Was it just because he was there? Probably. Did it have something to do with him being Satan's son? Of course, it always did.

Once again, he remained quiet, taking the verbal abuse. This had happened many times before since the camping trip, and this is how he handled it. He handled it quietly and without complaint. He deserved it. He deserved it for getting out of hand and almost burning up a forest, and putting his loved ones at risk.

But for Suguro to say that he didn't understand loss… now that was just utter bullshit. He'd lost a lot. And those losses piled up onto his shoulders and weighed him down. Especially… the old man's death.

But Suguro didn't know that. Suguro didn't know that he'd killed the only father figure he'd ever had. He didn't know what kind of pain Rin was going through, and he intended to keep it that way.

He kept on yelling at him, telling him that he would never feel remorse because he was a demon. He would never know how he felt. He would never, ever, ever, know the pain those flames had caused him. And he told it to him, straight on, mentally devastating Rin with images of his dad's bloody face, the way Satan loomed over him, the grimy creatures pouring out of the Gehenna gate-

"Rin, you're crying!"

Shiemi's voice slapped him back into reality. His eyes shot open, and he felt a warm stream falling down his cheeks and into his mouth, tasting the salt that could only mean one thing.


But he didn't care anymore. He didn't care if he cried, if he broke down, or if his flames burnt the classroom. He just wanted them to shut up.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up! You don't know a damn thing about me, Suguro! You don't know the pain I've felt, the burden I've had to carry. You think it's easy, being Satan's spawn? You think it's easy, knowing that everyone around you hates your guts? Do you live in fear of burning up those you love? Do you live in fear of hurting the very people you want to protect? HELL NO! I've already messed up once, and I don't want to do it again!"

Everybody stood in a shocked silence as Rin trembled, staring Suguro down as tears poured from his eyes.

"I killed someone, dammit! I killed my dad! The dad that took care of me for fifteen years! Do you think that's something easy to shake off? Do you think it's easy, being responsible for your dad's death? It's not! And being hated doesn't help! No one comforts you, because you're a threat. No one tells you that it's okay, because you're the reason they're dead! Do you know how that feels, Suguro? I'll tell you. It feels like shit. I feel like shit. I have to walk around knowing that I could be the reason any of you die in the next two seconds. You're not going to be executed if you don't pass the exorcist test. You're not constantly being put down. You don't know shit about me! You don't know a damn thing about how I feel! So don't you fucking dare get all angry and tell me that I've never experienced a crushing loss, because I have, and I WAS THE REASON!"

With a waterfall of tears cascading down his face, he punched the wall angrily, grabbed his things, and stomped out of the room. He knew it was wrong, but it felt good. It felt good to finally cry it out, to finally yell at someone other than the sky when he was alone on the roof. It felt good to just let go and lose all control.

And soon, the tears were joined with a multitude of sobs as Yukio comforted him in the confines of their dorm. Wiping away his tears and being there for Rin, as Rin had done for him so many times before.