To: Greg Lestrade

From: John Watson

Subject: Things you should know

Okay, I feel really stupid for having to do this, but I don't want a repeat of the last time I left town. I still think it would be easier if you got a hotel room or something, but if you insist on staying at Baker Street, you're going to need a list of things to know…some are for Sherlock, and others are for preserving your sanity.

1. Body parts are not allowed in the microwave. He knows this, don't let him tell you otherwise.

2. Nor is he allowed to work with explosives or poisons in the kitchen.

3. My gun is locked in the desk drawer. It is not allowed to be used in the flat. He knows this, too.

4. Don't touch whatever experiment's on the table. He'll throw a fit.

5. Forget about the mess. Cleaning doesn't happen very often around here. I've stopped trying.

6. Getting him to eat at regular intervals is a losing battle. Just make sure he eats something at least every other day.

7. Bring earplugs. He knows he isn't supposed to play the violin at any hour of the night, but it can't be helped sometimes.

8. Don't panic if he's gone all night. Sometimes he does that. The proper time to panic is when he stops texting.

9. Building on 8. If you get a text from him and so much as one comma is out of place; panic.

10. There is a human heart in the fridge. Along with several other body parts. You have been warned.

11. Sleep is another thing that doesn't happen very often around here. Just catch him when he passes out from exhaustion, please. I have no desire to deal with another one of his concussions.

12. Kettle's in the left-hand cupboard, top shelf.

13. Sherlock's nicotine patches are there, too. I'm trying to break that habit, don't you dare give him one.

14. Sedatives are in my medicine cabinet. Don't ask, they're just in case.

15. There is a harpoon in the hall closet. Again, don't ask.

16. The Cluedo board is pinned to the wall with a knife for a reason.

17. He will talk at you for hours, don't worry, you're not expected to answer. In fact, he'll get irritated if you do. He will even talk to you while you're gone. It helps him think.

18. Whatever he just said, he doesn't mean it. Actually he probably does but he's a dick so ignore him.

Good luck, Greg. You're gonna need it.

o0o

To: John Watson

From: Greg Lestrade

Subject: Re: Things you should know

Maybe I should get a hotel room.