This is Yaoi.

This is Cloud and Sephiroth.

This is rude and offensive and completely obscure.

This is sexy, irritating, sad, funny, confusing, surprising and glorious.

Chapter One: Virgin

He bent down to the floor and picked up the fallen item.

Cloud turned every shade of red, snatching the condoms off the ground before anyone could see. This place was already terrifying at night; he didn't really need an extra excuse to be raped.

His eyes rested on the sell by date – 2 years from now – even that seemed a mission.

When would he ever have time to actually use these? He had enrolled in the Shinra Army, left his quiet redneck town behind and sauntered into Midgar. His mother had insisted he took them, assuming the barracks were more like a prison than a home. Cloud had tried to explain that the only use he would receive from them would be blowing condom balloons, not blowing men.

He threw them back into his pocket and stormed on.

The only action he could possibly be getting would be earned from his right hand – and even that would be limited once he started sharing a room with someone.

He retrieved the condoms back out of his pocket and stared down at them angrily.

There were ten of them, TEN! Cloud was going to struggle tearing open one, but ten? Was his dear old mom MOCKING him? He was a virgin, had never once had a boyfriend in his life, but she felt the need to buy him ten?

There was no need to keep these.

It all happened in slow motion; the multi-coloured pieces of plastic flying away from his hands and confirming once and for all that Cloud Strife would never get laid. He felt a slight pinch of guilt towards his mother, but decided that some straighter bastard would be able to get more use out of them anyway. It was only confirming the inevitable.

He breathed out a sigh of relief as the packets all fell beneath the bench in front of him.

The bench he was slowly edging to for no reason what-so-ever.

The bench that reminded him oh-so much of Nibelheim.

The bench that had been occupied throughout the entire situation.

Occupied. Occupied. Occupied.

"… Fuck."

Time stood still.

There were no words that fitted his emotions at that moment in time. Nothing could quite describe the mortification he felt once his eyes drifted from the ground, onto the condom packets and then up onto the knees of a stranger.

Onto the knees of a STRANGER.

Who had been sat there THE ENTIRE TIME.

Cloud couldn't even run for it - it would look like a gift, as if he were presenting these condoms as a kind gesture.

He had to look up.

He forced himself to look up.

"I am familiar with being presented gifts," a dark voice said. "However, this is rather a surprise."

What could he do? Apologise and run off into the sunset? Laugh it all off as a joke? What if he just pulled one out the packet, peeled it down onto his face and suffocated himself to death?

"I'm really sorry!" he choked, almost tripping over himself. "I didn't realise anyone was…"

Cloud froze.

… That's when he realised WHO it was.

Then he really did trip over himself, body turning to nothingness, slamming onto the floor as if it were cushioned.

The General Sephiroth.

He physically could not move.

It should have been easier for him; run to the bench, pick up the discarded forms of embarrassment and sprint the hell out of there. But he couldn't. Cloud simply couldn't. His entire body was frozen and refusing to budge. All he could do was stare; mouth dangling open at the sight of his humiliation.

It got worse.

It had to get worse.

Cloud let out a tiny squeal; cringing as the General bent down and picked up the pile of condoms HIMSELF. All ten of them, not leaving a single one behind. The almighty Sephiroth was gathering up his condoms for him.

It wasn't hitting home.

"I'm curious," Sephiroth piped up, eyes locking with Cloud's. "Why are you throwing all of these away?"

The response on Cloud's face SCREAMED virgin.

"There aren't that many people like me in Midgar," Cloud admitted. "I decided I didn't need them."

Sephiroth look interested, not flinching once, never allowing the smile to fade. "Do enlighten me."

This wasn't what he had expected.

Cloud had wanted to snatch them away, jump on his stallion and ride away deep into the pit of no return. Why was Sephiroth asking questions? This wasn't a casual meeting; this was a HORRIBLE COINCIDENCE.

Cloud frowned a little. "I'm not really going to be using them on the women in Midgar."

He prayed to whatever God that he'd never bump into this individual EVER AGAIN. It was dark; that gave him hope that maybe Sephiroth couldn't see too well and wouldn't recognise his face. The Shinra building was a big place, right?

Sephiroth made it easier for him. "So you're a homosexual?"

Why were they discussing this?

"Yeah I am," Cloud shrugged, waiting in agony for an excuse to retrieve his items.

There was a flash in Sephiroth's eyes; his grin widening at the sides of his lips before splitting into a wide smile. It looked flirtatious, it looked suggestive. If Cloud didn't know better, he'd have assumed he was being eyed up.

The General could never be gay.

"Take these back," Sephiroth said, handing over the condoms to the blonde. "I am sure you will be using these in the nearby future."

Cloud quickly snatched them away. Was that a hint? Was that a suggestion?

"Thank you."

He felt his stomach somersault at Sephiroth sat before him; gazing at him as if he were the most tasteful dish alive. Cloud was a natural flirt; he couldn't help it, giving the man a subtle lick of the licks before laughing nervously.

"My name is -"

"Your name doesn't matter to me."

It wasn't said harshly or angrily, it was just a fact - Sephiroth hadn't stopped smiling.

"Do you have anywhere to go?" the General asked him, almost looking hopeful. "Wandering around Midgar at night, with nothing to do."

Another suggestion?

Cloud had no choice but to tell the truth. "I'm actually killing some time before tomorrow."

Now he was DEFINITELY going to remember him.

Sephiroth smirked a little. "What is happening to you tomorrow?"

It was a risk he had to take.

"I've just got some training to do," he said, wishing that he were a natural liar. "I've just joined the Shinra Academy, and…"

Those words rang in Sephiroth's head.

Shinra academy.

Shinra academy.

Shinra academy.

Cloud didn't even get to finish his sentence.

There was a twitch of Sephiroth's lips; his smiling slowly fading into a grimace that he didn't even try to hide. His flirty eyes disappeared, replaced by an empty glow that carried no expression. Cloud felt those wandering eyes stare directly back up at him, away from his body and glare up at him as if he were shit on his shoe.

… Sephiroth was glaring at him.

"What is it?" Cloud asked, shocked by the sudden turn of expression. "Did I say something?"

The body language had changed from a casual slump into an upright tense position. Hands that had previously stroked the wood of the bench clenched tightly together. Something that could only be described as a seductive pose slowly turned into a stiff one.

"You are not wearing your uniform," Sephiroth said, mouth twitching in sheer panic. "You are in your normal clothes..."

Cloud was still confused. "Yeah, I know, it was our free day off, so I decided to go casual."

"You admit to me you are homosexual," he continued. "When you are well aware I am your general."

Cloud looked down. "Well, you were asking questions…"

Was that it?

Sephiroth had clearly viewed him as a normal Midgar citizen, a young boy strolling alone in the streets after a day of work or college. He had spoke to him and treated him nicely because he had assumed Cloud was a nobody, somebody he would never bump into or associate with again. If he'd have known he was in the same company, he wouldn't have taken the risk.

... Did that even sound right?

"Where are you going?" Cloud asked, watching as Sephiroth lifted off the bench.

He was ignored.

"Hey, wait!" he cried, following the General's large strides. "What did I say to anger you? You seemed really…"

Cloud stopped himself.

… Enthusiastic.

Sephiroth stopped dead, almost making Cloud crash into his leather clothed back.

"Forget it," he said, turning round, grabbing Cloud's collar with his bare hands. "If you tell anyone this conversation happened, I'll kill you."

Cloud let out a whimper.

He was let go, shoved away, thrown back into the darkness of which he came.

Cloud wasn't an expert, nor did he have a gaydar, but he wasn't stupid.

… Was it possible that the almighty Sephiroth was… deep in the closet?

He didn't have the guts to ask.

Please review, this is my first time, and I'll give whatever sexual favours in return for feedback.