A/N: Thanks to all those who have continued to read my story and especially those who have taken the time to review. I have never experienced a miscarriage, so I hope I have come close to expressing the sense of loss such a tragedy would evoke. I also guessed at the little bit of medical stuff. This chapter is full of angst, a little whump and spattering of fluff. I hope you enjoy.
"Phrases in quotes and italics" are thoughts.
"Phrases in quotes, italics and bold" are text messages.
Disclaimer: I own nothing Flashpoint related except some DVDs.
Knowing where you need to be
It was a restless night for Anisa because the cramping would wake her every hour or so. Whenever she would roll even a little bit away from Spike, he would draw her close to him again, wrapping his arms around her protectively. When the sun finally poked through the window forcing Anisa's eyes open, she realized that she was alone in the bed. She rolled over groaning, as another wave of cramping gripped her abdomen. The doctor at the hospital had told her to expect it and that it would diminish over the next couple of days. She pinched her eyes closed at the memory of the loss from the previous night. She heard his voice before she saw his face.
"Morning, sweetie," he said lovingly as he knelt down on the floor next to her side of the bed. He placed a cup of coffee on the nightstand for her.
She mustered a weak smile and said, "Hi, honey." He kissed her softly then moved back slightly looking into her eyes.
"I have a question to ask you, OK?" he said hesitantly.
His apprehension made her nervous. She didn't want to relive the moments from last night, but she said quietly, almost questioningly, "OK..."
Spike looked down as he rubbed his hands on his thighs. Then glancing back up into her slate blue eyes, he asked, "Will you marry me?"
Anisa stopped breathing momentarily as she allowed his question to sink into her brain. She reached out and touch his cheek where his dimple lived. She looked into those chocolate pools which showed the warmth of his soul, as she spoke, "Mike, I love you more than anything, but I have to say no." She saw the sadness and dejection in his eyes. "Not now...not like this." Spike went to stand up but Anisa grabbed his hand, gently pulling him to sit on the bed next to her. "Babe, we have just been through one of the most devastating and traumatic events two people can go through. This is not the time to make a life altering decision. We...I need to recover from this before I can make that kind of decision."
Spike sat silently on the bed looking at his hands as they cradled one of Anisa's tiny ones. He wasn't sure what to do or say now. Finally, without lifting his eyes from his hands, he said, "You know, when you said you were pregnant, one of the first things that came to mind was, that you must have been so scared, especially since we weren't married. I don't want you to ever worry about that again."
"That is exactly my point, Mike. I don't want to marry you because I am afraid of being pregnant and alone. If we end up getting married, I want us to do it for the right reasons," Anisa said gently trying help him understand without hurting him.
Spike turned to look at her again, understanding her point on an intellectual level, but still feeling the pain on an emotional level. He said softly, "OK." He stood up, feeling a little sad because he knew that he wanted to marry her and that, although the pregnancy was the catalyst, it wasn't the reason for his proposal.
Knowing that she had hurt him with her decline, she also knew it was the right thing to do at this point in time. "Mike, I love you," she said definitively.
He turned to look at her, offering a weak smile, "I know."
"Will you promise me something?" she asked sitting up in bed. He nodded at her. "Promise me, that if you still feel the same way in few months, you'll ask me again."
Spike smiled, and said, "OK. But I can promise you now...my feelings won't change."
He left the bedroom and went to make breakfast trying to push his feelings aside. That was the one and only time he had put himself out there and he had been shot down. Hopefully, the next time it would be different, if there were a next time. He decided that he wouldn't think about that now.
Spike brought Anisa breakfast in bed and sat down next to her.
"Aren't you going to eat?" she asked.
"I ate while I was cooking. How are you feeling?" Spike asked.
"Not too bad. At least the nausea is gone," she said trying to sound upbeat. She was afraid that declining Spike's proposal may have changed their relationship forever. However, she knew she wasn't ready to say yes...not yet.
Spike grinned and remarked, "Well, I guess it is a relief to know that you are not allergic to me."
Anisa chuckled and said, "Yep."
When she had finished eating Spike took her tray back into the kitchen. Anisa reclined again feeling exhausted. She heard Spike answer his phone. Based on his half of the conversation she gleaned that it was his mother on the phone asking if he was coming to Sunday supper.
"No Ma, I don't think so. Anisa … isn't feeling well and I think I should stay here with her. No, she is going to be fine, just a little under the weather. How's Dad?" Anisa saw him wrinkle his brow in concern. He rubbed his eyes, she recognized this as a habit of his when he felt stressed. "OK, Ma, I will try to come by in the next couple of days, but I really can't make it today. I'll call you later, Ciao."
He walked into the bedroom feeling a burden on his shoulder. His dad was coughing even more and his mom was worried that he wouldn't last much longer.
"Mike, you should go to dinner at your parents'. I am just going to be lying around all day," Anisa suggested. She would do anything for one more day with her father and she did not want to be the cause of him missing any time with his dad.
He stood at the foot of the bed and looked at her, thinking about her words. Anisa could see the anguish in his eyes as he turned and quietly walked out of the bedroom. He sat down on the sofa out of Anisa's view. Resting his elbows on his knees, he put his head in his hands in despair. "How can I go on like nothing happened? We just lost a child, the woman I love has just turned down my marriage proposal and my father is dying. I'm afraid she is pushing me away and I don't know what to do." It felt as though his life is spiraling out of control.
He was so deep in thought that he didn't hear Anisa come into the living room. He felt her sit down next to him, so he pulled his head from his hands looking in her direction. He did his best to hide his anguish by pasting a smile on his face.
"Hey, you probably shouldn't be out of bed," he said softly.
She looked at his beautiful face and her eyes began to tear up. She had no words to express her feelings so she took his face in both of her hands. Pulling his lips to hers, she kissed him deeply hoping to make him understand how intense her feelings for him were. Because he was a man, she was confident that his feelings about the loss of their child were different from hers, no less profound, but different.
"What was that for?" he asked when they separated.
"I didn't want you to get the wrong idea," she said.
"Mike, I love you and I want you in my life, I can't imagine my life without you."
Relaxing back into the sofa, Spike gently pulled her against his chest. "I know...I know."
"Another reason I think you should go to your parents is so Ria and CiCi know I'm OK," she said watching him nod his head. Not sure she had convinced him, she added, "I can get dressed and we can go together, if you would rather."
Spike shook his head and said, "No, you need to rest for at least another 12 hours. How about we see how the day goes, OK?" He reclined a bit more and gently stroked her arm as she rested her head on his shoulder. It wasn't long before she dozed off and Spike was again left to his thoughts.
About and hour later, she finally stirred when Spike's phone buzzed. "I think I am going to lie down in bed," said Anisa kissing him sweetly as she got up.
Spike picked up his phone, "Hi Ria."
"Hi Mikey, how's Anisa?"
Spike wasn't sure exactly what to say, but he knew that Anisa wouldn't want the details of the baby divulged. That was private … just between the two of them. "She's doing OK. A little sore, but nothing broken."
"I'm glad it wasn't anything serious. CiCi and I were so worried last night, but we didn't want to call because it was so late."
"No need to worry, she is going to be fine. Did you see what happened?"
"No, I didn't. Cici and I walked in just as Anisa hit the bottom step. Joe was standing at the top of the steps," answered Ria. Spike heard an irritated tone in her voice as she spoke about her husband. Then she continued, "Joe said he didn't push her, but we both know he is not a fan of hers, so I wasn't surprised that he did nothing to help her when she started to fall."
"Ri, why do you put up with him?"
"I don't know. I used to say it was because of the kids, but now, that doesn't seem like a good enough reason," she said with sadness in her voice. After a brief pause, she continued. "You are going to Mom and Dad's today, right? Dad is not sounding so good," Ria said pleadingly.
Spike rubbed his forehead hoping that would clear his mind, but it didn't. He was torn between seeing his dying father and taking care of his girlfriend. He didn't know which was the right thing to do. "Um..I'm not sure. I was thinking that I should stay here with Anisa since she should be resting all day."
"Oh...yeah sure. I understand," said Ria not wanting to put any pressure on him.
"Let me see how Anisa is feeling this afternoon and then I'll decide, OK."
"OK, Mike,. No pressure," she said hanging up.
He walked around the apartment trying to decide what to do. This was one of those times he really missed Lou. Lou could make the most complicated situations or problems seem simple. "Gimme a hand with this one, buddy," he pleaded softly to himself. He wanted to be in both places at the same time. He gazed out the window at the gray Toronto skyline contemplating the situation. He had no idea that he had been standing there an hour until Anisa came up behind him and slid her hands around his waist. He turned to face her and saw that her eyes were a little red.
"You OK?" he asked touching her cheek.
She nodded, and said, "The doctor said I should expect to be weepy for a little while because of the rapid change in hormones. You doing OK?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied. She raised her eyebrow at him in a questioning, almost threatening way. "I was just thinking about you and my dad and everything...," he confessed.
"Mike, you should go see him. I will be fine. I will be sad and I will probably cry, but there is nothing you or anyone can do about that," she said. "Just go for a couple of hours and then come back. You'll feel better and so will I."
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, kissing her forehead as he did. "OK, I'll go for a little while. Will you promise me you will call me if you need anything?" He watched her nod her head and then added, "Especially if you need someone to cry with." Spike steadied his breathing and blinked back the tear that threatened to spill from his eye.
Kissing him tenderly, she said, "I promise."
Spike's mom was thrilled and a little surprised to see him when he arrived. He explained that Anisa sent him along even though she was not feeling well and that she sent her love. In no time, Spike was swarmed by his nephews and his mood was immediately elevated. He was a little surprised to see Joe there. The two men acknowledged each other with a nod and a glare. During dinner, Spike noticed his father coughing a great deal and not eating as much as he normally did. When the meal was over, Spike's mother got up to clear the table, but he told her go enjoy her grand kids and that he and Joe would clean up.
Spike carried dishes into the kitchen and went back for a second time before Joe even stood up. "Bring in the pasta and salad bowl," Spike directed Joe in his assertive SRU voice that left no room for questions.
Joe did as he was told, but with attitude. When the two men were alone in the kitchen, Joe turned to leave making some snide remark about this being women's work. Spike turned on his heel, grabbed Joe by the wrist, twisted his arm behind his back and slammed him up against the wall.
In a low guttural voice, Spike said, "Joe, I have had it with you and your attitude. Let me make one thing clear to you, if you ever lay another finger on Anisa, whether it be by accident or not, if you ever get close enough to disturb a single hair on her head I will come after you and with a ferocity that you can only imagine. And when I am finished, you won't be able to blink without excruciating pain."
"Mike, very funny, but I didn't..." Joe began defensively. Spike would hear none of it. He twisted Joe's arm at a more painful angle keeping it within an inch of breaking it. With his other arm, he had Joe's face smashed against the wall immobilizing him. Spike placed his thumb on a pressure point on Joe's neck and applied some pressure causing him groan in pain.
"Another thing, are you going to tell my sister what jack ass you are or should I?"
"I don't know what you are talking about," said Joe feigning innocence.
Spike applied more pressure to his neck making the larger man grunt again, "I will give you one week to be out of that house before I start telling her about you and all those women. I will not leave out the advances you made on Anisa, either. Have I made myself clear. You need to be out of my family's lives for good!"
"Mike, you have no proof," grunted Joe
"You would be surprised what I have as proof. Don't underestimate the geek," Spike growled back as he pushed Joe's face against the wall more forcefully.
"Be reasonable..." sputtered Joe in a final attempt to appease Spike.
Spike pressing his thumb into Joe's neck hard enough now that his knees buckled beneath him eliciting another gasp of pain. "Did I make myself clear?" snarled Spike.
"Yes," mutter Joe through gritted teeth.
"Good," said Spike releasing the bigger man who crumbled to the floor gasping. Spike walked out of the kitchen leaving Joe in a pile.
As he entered the living room, he saw his parents playing with his nephews and their action figures. The scene warmed his heart, but it also caused a twinge of emotional pain as he thought of his lost child. Ria noticed the slight change in his facial expression and wondered what its cause was, but said nothing.
Spike walked over to CiCi who was sitting alone, but was smiling watching her brothers play with their grandparents. "Hey kiddo, how are the guitar lessons going?"
"Good, Uncle Mike. I'm really liking them," she answered with a smile.
Ria came over, tossing her arm over her daughter's shoulder, "She's pretty good, too," she said beaming. "And, I'm liking the girl-time we get to spend together."
"Next Sunday, you should bring your guitar and show us what you got, girl," said Spike with a smile. "I know Anisa would love to hear you play...but we won't let her sing along, I promise." They all chuckled. Mrs. Scarlatti called CiCi over to join them with the boys, leaving Ria and Spike sitting alone on the other side of the room.
Ria, placed her hand on his knee, and looking into his eyes, she asked, "You OK?"
"Yeah, I'm good," said Spike trying to convince both himself and his sister. "Just worried about Dad."
Ria nodded, knowing that was only part of the story. "How is Anisa, really?"
"She is going to be fine. She is a little sore and just wanted to rest today," reported Spike. Ria had a feeling there was more to the story, but again, said nothing. Spike noticed that his sister's expression had changed from one of concern to something else...anger maybe. "What?" he asked her.
"I was just wondering if she told you what happened? Joe told me she just fell down the stairs, but that seems unlikely."
"Anisa said that he bumped her and then she lost her balance, so I guess he was kinda right," said Spike. He could see more anger welling up in his sister. It was his turn to put his hand on hers offering whatever support she needed.
"Mike, I don't know how much longer I can do this. The lying, the cheating...I have been trying to keep it together for the kids, but they are getting older now...I am pretty sure that CiCi knows what kind of man her father is. It's only a matter of time until the boys figure it out. I don't want him to be their role model," she lamented.
"Ria, I'm not sure what to say, but I think the answer will become obvious soon," said Spike reassuringly. Their brother-sister moment was interrupted by their father's coughing fit. Spike's dad looked at him and nodded that he should come to help. Spike hopped up and went to his father's side.
"I think it is time for me to go to bed," said Mr. Scarlatti. He gave his family hugs good night and asked Spike to help him to his room. Spike helped him settle into his bed and was about to leave when his father called after him, "Michelangelo, come sit for a moment." The older man patted a spot next to him on the bed. Spike sat down and looked into his father's eyes that were so much like his own but had grown a little glassy with age and sickness.
Mr. Scarlatti took a labored breath before choosing his words carefully, "My son, my time is drawing near..."
"Pa, don't..." Spike interjected, trying to steer the conversation away from the inevitable, but the elder Scarlatti raised his hand feebly to stop him.
"Michelangelo, I know it is close and I am ready. I have lived to see my children grow into superb human beings and I have three wonderful grandchildren. I am satisfied with the job I have done as a father. I no longer question your choice of career, but will always worry about your safety, because I love you."
Spike was surprised at how emotional he was feeling as his father said these words to him. He was swallowing a tear as he said, "Pa..."
"You have finally found a woman who is worthy of your love, and for this, Mama and I are grateful. I want you to promise me two things..." Spike was not sure that he could speak so he just nodded his head. "Promise me that you and Anisa will always take care of Mama and Ria. I worry about your sister and that husband...he is not good for this family."
Spike again nodded his head, "I promise, Pa."
Mr. Scarlatti coughed for a minute before resuming his speech, "Second, promise me that you will marry Anisa. She is good for you and she is good for this family."
That final request brought back the memory of Anisa turning down his proposal. He wasn't convinced that she would say yes, if he ever asked again. "Pa, I can promise you I will ask, but I cannot promise she will say yes," he said honestly.
"Have faith, my son. She loves you and she will say yes, but don't wait too long. I know your mother would like to see you two married and I would, too. Know that I will be watching over you even if I am not here." Spike's face was marked with tears as he nodded assent to his father's wishes.
He lifted his father's hand to his lips and said, "Ti amo, Papa." His father smiled at his only son and nodded toward the door indicating that he should go now. Spike kissed his father's cheek and the closed the door behind him as he left the room.
Spike was saying his goodbyes to the rest of his family when he received a text message from Anisa. He read the message as he walked to his car.
"Hey, when do you think you'll be home?"
"Leaving now. You OK?"
"Yep. Just missing you. See you soon :)"
When Spike walked into the apartment he heard jazz music softly playing and found Anisa sitting in a chair with her knees pulled up to her chest. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy, but she smiled when she saw Spike walk in. Releasing her legs, she stood as he put down the bag of food his mother had packed for her and wrapped his arms around her holding her close. He kissed her on the cheek near her ear.
"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.
"I'm OK," she sighed.
"Did you rest?"
"Yeah, I slept for a little while, but then..."
"What? What happened?" he asked, his words laced with concern.
"Nothing...just a dream ...I couldn't go back to sleep, so I came out here."
"Wanna talk about it?" he asked as his body began to sway with the music.
She swallowed hard before telling him about her dream as she swayed with him. "I dreamed that I wouldn't be able to have another baby...that was my one and only chance to have a baby," she mutter as she stifled the tears threatening her eyes.
Spike pulled back slightly then lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. "Hey, that's not gonna happen. Lots of women have children after a miscarriage. In fact, I think my mother had one before Ria was born."
"I know that, on an intellectual level. But... I don't know, I guess my heart isn't so sure. What if we never get to be parents? You should be a dad..." she began, biting back the sob that stuck in her throat.
"Hey, hey...let's not worry about that now, OK? One step at a time...
"But, Mike, let's just say that I can't have more children... then what?"
"We could adopt or we could just be the best aunt and uncle on the planet. Either way it doesn't matter and we shouldn't worry about those things right now." He hesitated a minute before continuing, "Are you going to go to your doctor tomorrow?" She nodded. "We will ask her then...we won't speculate until we have the facts. OK?" Again she nodded. "What time is your appointment?"
"I have to call tomorrow morning to schedule one," she answered sounding more calm and less worried.
"Let me know what time it is and I will meet you there."
"Mike, you don't have to. I can go myself," she said not wanting him to miss anymore work.
"I know, but I want to be there. I want to be part of this," he said truthfully. Also, he didn't want her to be there alone. She had been through enough trauma on her own, he wouldn't let her go through this alone, if he could help it. She began to protest, but could see in his eyes that his mind was made up and it would be no use. She just nodded her head again.
She let her hand slip into his as he continued to sway to the music. She rested her head against his chest as they slow danced in silence to the music played in the background. In that moment they felt completely connected to one another and for the first time all day, Anisa felt at peace.
After several minutes dancing together, Anisa looked up into his eyes and murmured, "I love you more than anything, you know that?"
Spike offered her a dimple revealing smile as he bent down kissed her sweetly at first, but the kiss soon deepened until Anisa finally pulled back slightly, in order to catch her breath.
"Have you eaten? Ma packed some lasagna for you," said Spike with a grin as he released her.
"Mmm... that sounds nice, but if I keep eating her amazing dinners, I'm going to weigh a thousand pounds," she said with a chuckle.
Spike picked up the package of food and began to walk to the kitchen. "The more of you to love," he joked over his shoulder.
A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope I was able to express what I imagine Spike might feel after losing a child. I know some of you wanted Spike to really hurt, Joe, but in my mind, Spike is not the kind of guy to be violent if there is any way to avoid it. I hope you thought that scene with him in the kitchen was believable, though. Would love your feedback.