The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Doctor


Throughout history, there have been reports of an eccentric individual known as "the Doctor" who travels the universe fighting enemies, saving worlds, and dressing strangely. All reports agree that the Doctor travels in a blue box that resembles a Police Telephone Box from the Earth nation of Great Britain, circa 1960. While it appears to be an ordinary box, it is bigger on the inside and capable of both space and time travel, though the accuracy of the pilot is questionable at best. More importantly, for our purpose, the Doctor has a habit of picking up ordinary human beings and taking them on trips. These associates have been called "companions," although no sexual aspect has been noted.

The chief problem with finding the Doctor is that no one is sure what he looks like. Throughout history, eleven individuals have fit the basic criteria. Theories that "the Doctor" is a hereditary title or a group alias remain unsatisfactory, as nearly all of them possess the others' memories. Therefore, we will list them by number, given in a purely arbitrary fashion.


A small, elderly man with wisps of white hair and keen eyes, the First Doctor kidnapped his first human companions, won a sizable portion of the Mongolian empire off Kublai Khan in a game of backgammon, and escaped a Dalek prison cell without killing anyone. His appearance can be summarized in the words of Prefect Ford's entry on the planet Earth: "Mostly Harmless."


Known for playing the recorder, carrying fair more in his coat that it could fit, and hanging around with an 18th-century Scotsman, the Second Doctor began the habit of running, a habit continued by the others.


All of the Doctors have an interest in Earth, but the Third Doctor can actually be traced to a British para-military organization in the 1970s or 80s. His customary appeal includes a black cloak with crimson lining and a white shirt. He is also known for skill in the art of Venusian Aikido and constant tinkering with his TARDIS, as well as automobiles.


The Fourth Doctor can be identified by three traits—his excessively long striped scarf, his curly blond hair, and his tendency to offer Jelly Babies* at tension-filled moments. For unknown reasons, his adventures are the most recorded of all the Doctors, especially in comparison to his First and Second personas.


Wears celery on his cricket jacket, which is not made of actual crickets. Has a tendency to get tied up by his enemies.


The first actions of this persona were (nearly) strangling his friend and choosing a coat made by a bind seamstress from quilting scraps. Scholars are still debating which was the more hideous action.


Unlike the others, this one seems to understand the concept of planning in advance, although his hectic life seems to result in on-the-spot changes to such plans. He also speaks with an accent.


His shoes fit perfectly.**


Self-loathing in leather.


With puppy-dog eye, brainy specs, and pinstripe suits, this Doctor is considered one of the most handsome of the Doctors, by those who like that sort of thing. *** He is also known for frequent encounters with the Daleks, which were previously presumed to be mythological.


This Doctor insists that bowties, fish fingers & custard, and bunk beds are all cool. For all his awkward, clumsy ways, including a time-tangled romance, he also has a darker side, revealed when someone threatens his friends.

See also: Daleks, Earth, John Smith (as alias) Mythology( Time Lords), Time travel (TARDIS)

*Jelly babies are a non-sentient Earth sweet.

**That, and he's half-human on his mother's side. And he kissed someone once.

***Just about everyone, in his case.