Before we get to the story I would like to warn everyone that this is not like any of the other Mortal Instruments stuff I have out there. It's not fluffy in anyway shape or form. In fact Magnus isn't even in this story. The only people in this little story are Alec and Jace.
Now I want to warn you about what the story is about. I do not in any way condone cutting or think that cutting is a good option. However, this whole story revolves around cutting so if you don't like it then turn back now. Well I think I've told you everything you need to know so go ahead and read on.
Alec felt the pressure as the blade split his skin in two allowing for the red blood underneath to come pouring out of the broken barrier. He watched as the liquid rolled down his arm, standing out brightly against the pale white of his skin. His body shivered as the warm blood met each new patch of freezing cold skin. The combination of pain and warm blood against his arm made Alec feel more alive than he had in the months since Max's death. With expert skill Alec brought up the blade and made another long, thin cut perpendicular to the last one so it made a sort of bloody 'X' on his right wrist. The two streams fell like the tears he had often seen sliding down his face, never meeting but continuously flowing.
Finally Alec managed to pull his gaze away from the blood and looked up to see his face reflected back at him in his bathroom mirror. Two large, dark bags now were a constant presences under Alec's eyes showing the whole world just how little he slept at night. He couldn't remember the last time he got a full nights rest. His dreams were filled with things he wanted to forget and he would wake up drenched in sweat or screaming at the top of his lungs. Long ago he had put up silencing runes on his walls so no one could hear what was going on in his room which he was glad for considering his siblings would probably come charging in thinking they were being attacked.
Slowly thin fingers came up to touch the sunken in cheeks that were getting worse and worse. The last thing he ate was… He should know this shouldn't he? His fingers continued to trace the bony feature of his face. They had gotten so prominent that he could see every curve and dip and bulge.
Suddenly he pulled back his right arm and punched the mirror in front of him with as much force as he could muster in his weaker condition. The glass shattered all the same, breaking up into tiny pieces that covered the sink. A hiss escaped his lips as shards of glass lodged themselves in between the knuckles of his clenched right fist. Without much thought Alec started pulled out each piece of glass then dropped them into the sink where they began to collect in a bloody mess.
The last piece he pulled out was rather large with jagged edges. Alec watched curiously as he brought the glass to his left wrist and made a long cut. Unlike the ones on his right wrist this one wasn't perfectly straight so the skin split cleanly open. This cut was rough and imperfect like so many aspects of Alec's life. Great, now he sounded like some sort of literary professor. Two more cuts were quickly added to his left wrist so the blood covered the entire lower arm like a blanket of red.
Sighing Alec grabbed a towel and began to wipe away the blood so he could heal himself and get rid of the evidence before anyone noticed. Of course this wasn't Alec's day because at that moment Jace decided to burst into Alec's bathroom without any warning. In surprise Alec dropped the towel and stared wide-eyed at Jace.
"What the fuck happened in here? Alec are you okay?" Jace had unconsciously pulled out his stele that he always had on him.
Alec stood up making sure to cover up his right wrist since it would be more obvious he had intentionally cut himself if Jace saw it. "I'm fine. I'm just cleaning this mess up."
"How did this mess come about in the first place? It looks like you've had a fight or something in here."
"Did you punch this mirror?" Jace was inspecting where the mirror used to be and the bloody shards in the sink with a careful eye. "It looks like you got it pretty good. Why exactly did you punch it?"
"No particular reason."
"Well clearly it got what it deserved. Here let me see your hand and I'll help you heal up those cuts." Jace seemed to notice the jagged cuts on Alec's left arm and smirked. "Did the mirror fight back or were you just clumsy like usually?"
"Look Jace, while I appreciate your help I don't need it. I can take care of myself then clean up this mess. It's not like I'm inept. Was there something you needed to tell me?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat but clearly you'll need a little time to clean up before you can go. I was thinking Taki's."
"Yea, that's sounds good. I'll be out soon. This shouldn't take too long."
"Fantastic! You know I don't like to wait."
"Yes I know." Alec reached out to turn on the sink with his right hand, not realizing what he was doing until it was much too late.
Jace looked curiously at the cuts on Alec's exposed wrist then furrowed his brow. It was then he noticed a small bloody blade sitting on the edge of the counter. He picked it up and inspected it before looking back at Alec's wrist.
"Wait a second." Alec turned to see Jace holding his blade in his hand. "What the hell are you thinking Alec?"
"I'm thinking this is none of your business. Now get out."
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what really went on in here. Was this the first time you've done this?"
"I'm not talking about this Jace!"
Jace crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Alec. "Yes you are."
"By the angel Jace! You don't get it!" Alec was shouting now which thoroughly surprised Jace who had never seen Alec shout like this. "You're the kind of person that hides away their feelings but I can't help but feel. That's all I ever do is feel. I might not show how I feel but I still do. I'm the kind of person that has to feel to know I'm alive and that everything is going to be okay eventually. I need to feel something. Anything at all!"
Jace watched as tears began to slide down his older brother's face. "Alec I-"
"Can you just go? Please just go." Alec had turned around and was trying to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face.
"I know I'm not the best at this sort of thing. I'm not one to talk about feelings especially painful things like Max but you need help Alec and I'm not going to leave you. I'm your best friend, your Parabatai, your brother. I want to help."
Alec stepped back so he was leaning against the wall behind him and then slid down putting his head in his hands. "It's too much. Everything is just too much. I want Max back. I want to see him and hold him. I can't even remember the last thing I said to him. The last time I told him that I loved him was god knows when! He was so young. So young."
"Remember when he used to just curl up anywhere and start reading. I don't know how he did it." Jace sat down next to Alec and grabbed his right arm. "He could sit and read all day. Not a care in the world."
"He was such a free spirit so lost in those books of his that he wouldn't even hear us trying to talk to him." Alec let out a gasp as Jace drew an iratze on the palm of his hand then lower on his arm. "I sometimes wish that I could get as lost as Max did when he would read those novels. He was always so happy."
Jace drew an iratze of Alec's left arm before speaking. "Maybe we should remember him that way. He was always happy so why shouldn't we think about him that way. I'm sure he would much prefer that to us feeling the way we do now. Isabelle blames herself for his death, you think of him in sadness and I try not to think about it at all."
"You're right. He would never want us to be sad. It's hard not to be sad though."
"I think that's the point." Alec looked at Jace like he was crazy. "I mean that everything's hard at first so getting over the sadness is part of the healing process or whatever you call it that way we can remember him the way we want to."
"If you keep talking like this I might start to think that you have feelings."
"Shut up Alexander."
Alec looked down at his now smooth wrists and ran his fingers over the now healed skin. "Does it ever frustrate you that mom and dad haven't said anything to us about Max's death? I mean they haven't bothered to ask how we're dealing with it or tried to talk to us about it."
"Honestly, I don't think they even know how to deal with it."
"None of us know how to deal with this! We've never lost a sibling before and they've never lost a child but that doesn't give them an excuse to just leave us to fend for ourselves. It's just…"
"Just what Alec?"
Sighing Alec looked at his hands. "It's just that I sometimes feel like we're not really a family. Like mom and dad are just the people who give us the money we need and then leave us to do whatever we want. I mean look at the stuff we get away with."
"I know what you mean."
The two sat in silence for several minutes. Alec messed with his fingers trying to get his mind off of everything that had been flooding it. Jace stared off into space thinking about what Alec had just said. His brother was always the caring one in the family. Whenever everyone else cut themselves off from their emotions Alec was there to bring them back around and make them see what was going on. His family had always come first.
Jace reached out and took one of Alec's hands in his own, squeezing it gently. "We're going to get through this. We always get through everything because we stick together. Parents or not the Lightwood siblings never give up on each other or anything for that matter. We're stubborn and determined and awesome."
"Agreed." Alec's stomach growled loudly. "Well I think cleaning up the mirror is going to have to wait for later because I'm starving.
"I almost forgot I was hungry. Strange."
"Well you've remember now so let's go."
Alec looked at Jace with an annoyed expression. "What is it Jace?"
"Your shirt is covered in blood. I was thinking you might like to change it but never mind."
"Right. I should change." Alec grabbed the first t-shirt he found and changed into it. "Better?"
"Yes. Much better."
So that's it for this little story. I might be convinced to make this a two shot (ending with my first lemon) but I'm not sure if I want to so let me know through your fabulous reviews. I love you all dearly! Until next time my wonderful readers.