Heh. Heh. Heh. This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices. I come to the full realization that I am a pervert. I mean, I already knew this, but I finally admitted it about three minutes ago. –Insert transition- I LOVE Marie Antoinette and I love an excuse to watch that scene. –Insert transition- I actually went out with a guy who had cheeseburger boxers. They were super cute. –Insert transition- I own nothing. Be kind. Reviews welcomed. I kind of want to do a timid Canada one. XD

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me-e! Happy birthday to meeeeeee!

Alfred sang to himself in his head as he walked into the foyer of his home, returning from a nice lunch at the diner down the street.

Wait, foyer? Foye-A? Too French. How about just foyer.

He smiled and threw his favorite old aviator jacket on to the couch of his living room.

And by living room, it was actually "more of an entertainment center" as he told his guests. That it was. The massive flat screen TV was surrounded by bookcase by bookcase filled with movies and video games; their consoles situated underneath the TV.

He gracelessly plopped into one of the plush chairs, rolled up his sleeves and grabbed the remote.

"It's totally my birthday, peeps better being saying cool shit about me!"

Flipping through the channels, mostly boring shopping and sports networks (maybe later) he failed to find anything worth watching.

He sat up and clicked slower.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

"I don't give a fuck if it is 100 degress outside! Just say something totally awesome!"

He stopped on a movie channel that was currently on commercial break (shitty movie channel) that was coming back on.

Marie Antoinette, with Kirsten Dunst

"What! Not cool man, this is my birthday, I don't wanna see something French! Give me Will Smith or something epic as Independence Day."

Slightly irritated, he threw the remote to the ground and put it head on his hands.

"Just show me something cool. Please."

Then he heard something that always gets his attention; women's laughter and suggestive music.

Sitting up immediately he took the scene in.

Marie was sitting naked on a chaise (What's with the French today!) save a fan and some very nice stockings with a large feather in her hair. The camera panned to see Fersen approach her.

"Where have I seen that dude before?" While trying to watch Dunst, he couldn't help but think Fersen looked familiar.

"No way." He whispered.

That was one of his good friends from the Revolutionary War.

He was one of the French troops (Dammit!) and a good personal friend of his. (For a Frenchman)

And he was getting it on with Kirsten Dunst. On-screen, in front of him.

"This is way too hot." His jaw dropped but couldn't even summon the will to care, especially since hardly any skin was showing and nothing was quite happening.

"This movie is like PG-13. I'm not gonna see anything good."

On-screen, Marie/Kirsten was undressing the numerous layers on Fersen that Alfred was all too familiar with.

Man, I totes remember him.

Something about seeing familiar faces getting all hot and bothered gets everyone else hot and bothered too, so he couldn't look away.

Fuck this kissing, show me dem titties brah.

This was going nowhere, yet Alfred couldn't just ignore the rush he just felt to his dick, starting to get hard.

This shitty movie grade prayer of a porno would get him nowhere, so he decided to cut his losses, shut off the TV, and make a dash upstairs.

It was his birthday, he might as well get himself a present.

He turned on his large laptop and jumped into his bed.

"What do I wanna watch?" He hummed and undid his belt, sliding off his pants.

Girls strip

Pole Dancing

Hegre messages

Threeway lesbian scissor

"Good enough for me."

He pulled open several tab of each search and found himself getting harder and harder. Once he narrowed the results to get rid of the disgusting man boobs, he figured he would begin.

He found this great clip of a pretty blonde girl pole dancing and clicked that to load.

He pressed played then sat on his hands. Literally.

Make it last. This isn't going to end up like it did last time.

He watched her dance around a pole in a slinky snakeskin bathing suit hastily tied to the side.

"Oh yeah that's coming off!"

The camera zoomed to her thrusting the pole and he began to twitch in his boxers.

It's easy, just let out the beast and push it around a bit. No need to suffer.

He figured it was best to make it as good as he could before he accidentally thought himself into blowing his load.

He lifted up his hands and placed his right on the trackpad of this laptop to turn up the volume, his left he moved to tenderly message his thighs.

Thank god I'm ambisexterous!

He smiled and closed his eyes, savoring his own touch while listening to the busty girl's moans.

Massaging still, he could tell the girl was getting ready to toss her top, and moved his hand to his balls through the soft material of his cheeseburger boxers.

Mmmm I should go get another Kopps burger when I finish. Partay bitches!

He smirked to himself and continued rubbing his scrotum through the fabric, lightly turning it over in his hand, savoring the unevenness.

The girl on his computer faced the camera, undid the knot and lifted the pathetic excuse for lingerie over her head, panning to a shot below looking up underneath her breasts.

"Shit those tits are perfect!" He spat at the screen. He was getting impatient and his cock twitched eagerly.

The girl started rubbing her breasts up over the slick pole and Alfred could feel a small drop of precum emit from his throbbing cock.

"Fuck it, this is too good." He unceremoniously removed his underwear and revealed his painfully pulsing member.

He brought his left hand to his backside, cupping a cheek lightly, and the right to the start of his happy trail.

He traced the wispy blonde hairs down to the soft pile underneath his full erection, and tousled them. He moved his left hand on his ass towards the center and groped tightly.

He could feel sweat forming on his legs and brow, and quickly removed his T-Shirt.

Now fully nude on his large bed, he returned his hands and began teasing himself at the base of his erection, which actively twitched in response.

The girl on the video was bucking her hips and rolling on the bar. The other half of her outfit wouldn't last long.

Or Alfred for that matter.

Giving up on his teasing, he put his right hand around the length of his penis, moaning at the touch.

He took his left hand and cupped his balls, squeezing and releasing tightly and quickly.

The girl made a motion and slid of her thong, stood, and placed the lips of her vagina around the cold pole.

Alfred huffed and used his right hand to rub off the drops of precum to slightly lube his hand. He began driving his hand up and down his shaft, holding nothing back.

He could feel his impending orgasm and knew he would not last long. He shifted slightly and placed his pinkie just at the base of his tight opening.

He continued thrusting and he watched the pretty blonde girl hump the pole while simultaneously massaging her breasts.

She stepped away and sat down and spread her legs, opening her lips.

Alfred's breath hitched, he almost lost it.

He has to give himself up, it isn't worth all this build for a subpar orgasm.

Quality over fucking quantity.

"Goddamn that's French too." He let his head roll back and closed his eyes.

They returned to the screen when he heard the girl moaning. She was now fingering herself quickly, too fast for pleasure, and Alfred was losing it.

He stopped pumping and gave three long, sure thrusts when he felt that knot snap from under his navel.

His eyes snapped shut as he swore and moaned deep and long as he shot four white lines of semen over his chest as he came.

Once he rode it out, he brought his hands to his hair, wiped the sweat from the brow and flopped back onto bed.

"Happy birthday to me." He mumbled as his eyes shut and he dozed off.

Shitty. I know. I gotta get back in the hang of writing smut, but I'll work on it. 'MURICA. FUCK YEAH.