Spiderman ****s A Porcupine
Autor's Nose: Apparently is one of it's "everything awesome must go" crusades again. Eeeyup.
So I'm back. Row Row Row Fight Da Powah.
It was a lovely day in New York City. The birds were singing, the sky was blue, and the Rays kicked the Yankees' asses. Yep, it was a good day for Peter Parker….he was a Mets fan. But alas, he was swinging on his way back to his apparent to visit his beloved Aunt May and totally one true girlfriend all along I swear Mary Sue-I mean, Carlie Cooper. Spiderman was halfway across Manhattan when suddenly he accidentally bumped into a guy that was jumping with a cool hoodie. "Watch where you're going, asshole!" Spiderman yelled. "Sorry, my bad," Alex Mercer replied. But it was too late; Spiderman careened into a wall and SPLAT! Spiderman said "Ouch," and slid down and fell into a dumpster. Little did he know, however, that that very dumpster would change his life forever. For crawling around on the top of that dumpster was a porcupine with an eye patch and toothpicks for quills that breathed smoke from its nostrils which were really the engine pipes from a motorcycle. Spiderman gazed upon the porcupine's glorious form, and was in awe for it was the most beautiful thing his mortal eyes had ever beheld. As he gazed upon the magnificent creature, he forgot everything; crime, poverty, war, what's-her-face…he had to have it. He could not let such a beautiful creature leave his sight, so the moment it turned its attention elsewhere, he pounced like a hungry lion and ravaged the spiny beast for all it was worth. The pain was indescribable beyond words could describe, but to Peter it was worth it, and he if he could do this forever, he would've without a second thought. As he had his way with the glorious spiky abomination, every angel in heaven above wailed on their electric guitars a riff so epic it destroyed an entire galaxy with sheer awesome, and screeched a screech so loud and so metal everyone within the state of Iowa went deaf upon hearing it but could still hear its angelic, shattering cry long after their ears had failed them because it was just THAT awesome. For the first time in his entire life, Peter's eyes were truly opened. He knew everything. He was everything. And he knew he had a mission to accomplish. He knew of the wife and the dignity Joe Quesada-I mean, the Devil (if there's seriously a difference) had robbed him of. The life he had forgotten existed if it wasn't for his experience with the magic porcupine he had just fornicated. Spiderman had a great mission of horrible revenge to enact, and he had only one destination to go to:
The unholy flaming bowels of Hell itself.
There was only one way in….Well, two ways actually, but the restraining order Big Time Rush filed against him in December was still in effect, so he had only one way: down. Peter grabbed a katana he had gotten from his best friend ever Deadpool for Christmas and yelled to the high heavens watching him "There can be only ONE!" and in one swing of the katana, Spiderman's head came clean off and a bolt of holy lightning vaporized what was left. All was going according to plan perfectly.
Spiderman opened his eyes, and he saw that he was exactly where he needed to be: the gates of Hell itself. "Greetings, mortal," the demon gatekeeper growled. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter he-"Spiderman wasted no time tearing the foul demon's throat out with his bare hands and force-feeding it to him so he choked to death on his own throat. Quickly, before anyone noticed, he ripped off one of the horns from his head and filed it into a chainsaw. He had no idea how he could make a fully-functional chainsaw with no electricity in sight, but all that went out the window when he was reminded of the words of a wise man:
"It's magic. I don't have to explain it."
Peter failed to see how that wise, but he didn't care. He was too busy thinking of two things; the vengeance that Satan would suffer at his hands and how the gods would sing of his glorious victory for eons to come, and the sandwich he was going to eat back home when he was done. Hey, vengeance works up a bitch of an appetite, you know. But the sandwich was still a long way soff, for he still had him a Beelzebub to slay. Spiderman kicked the gates open, unleashing a howl of the damned souls that powered his chainsaw. And he leapt right into the heart of evil. The slaughter that followed was of epic proportions. Wave after wave after wave of hellspawn threw themselves into Spiderman's line of death in hopes of slowing them down, even clogging his chainsaw with their own guts if need be, but it was all for naught. By the time Spiderman had reached the Ninth Layer of Hell, virtually every demon that called that foul realm home lay dead in bloody pieces to be picked apart by evil vultures that bled worms and maggots with bloody 9-balls for eyes. Now, only one thing stood between Spiderman and his prey; the Cyberdemon. A true abomination of nature, part demon, part machine, part lasagna, and all parts evil, Spiderman gazed into the eyes of the abhorrent beast with no fear, only pure indignation and rage beyond that of even the most bloodthirsty god. The Cyberdemon roared and fired a rocket at the enraged Webslinger. Spiderman roared as if the act was a personal insult, and webbed the rocket and swung it back and around the wicked beast. Spiderman wasn't fit with just destroying the beast; he really wanted Joe-I mean, Satan, to know who he was fucking with, and shoved the rocket up the demon's anus as far as he could. The Cyberdemon roared in agony as his previously-virgin anus was violated by his own rocket. Before he even had to chance to ponder whether or not this was arousing, the missile exploded, and he let out a roar of unimaginable pain as the entire lower half of his body was blown off. It was an ugly scene befitting of Hell; both the legs were blown considerably far from each other, the right leg was broken apart in at least three places, and the monster's entire digestive system was strewn across the ground. The Cyberdemon moaned in agony never thought possible by mortal minds as Spiderman approached him, and chainsaw'd his way into the monster's chest and tore his heart from the chest. Peter Parker roared a bloodthirsty roar as the monster thrashed in its final death throes, and then took a bite out of the still-beating organ he had just viciously removed. He immediately regretted the decision and spit out what he had bitten off and realized that demon heart tastes like goblin shit. But such a thought was irrelevant now. The cybernetic monstrosity now lay dead at his feet and the way into the heart of Satan's lair was now clear. Peter had let out a battlecry as he revved his chainsaw. This was it. There was no turning back now…
Spiderman now stood where no mortal had ever stood before and returned from. He was now in the heart of Hell itself, standing before the form of the Devil himself, who rather than cowering in fear and begging for his life like Peter was hoping he would, he just stood there and laughed. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Spiderman…" Mephisto cackled. "Welcome…to DIE!"
Spiderman just stood there glaring into the eyes of the ruler of Hell, hatred all-consuming and unbound pouring from his eyes. "I'm out of my emo phase, Satan." He cried out. "I want my marriage and my dignity back, and I will take them from you by force if I must! Surrender now and I promise your death will be painless and swift."
Mephisto simply wrapped his cape around his body and stared into Spiderman's soul. "You DARE make demands of me! YOU MUST DIE!" And with that, Mephisto fired lightning from his hands three times in a row. Spiderman dodged the blasts as quickly as he could. By the time Mephisto had prepared for a second attack, Spiderman performed an action for which angels still sing of to this day. He swung over to the Devil and ducked as low as he could and punched him as hard as he could in the crotch. Mephisto, though being the embodiment of pure evil he was, still suffered the same weakness all sapient beings suffered. Mephisto grabbed his wounded manhood and howled in pain, never expecting this tactic to be used on him in a thousand years. Spiderman wasted no time taking advantage of the situation. He grabbed Mephisto's head, and butted his head into it as hard as he could. While the Devil was still dazed from this latest act of dirty fighting, Spiderman kneed him at least three times in the gut until he was sure he heard some of Mephisto's ribs shattering. Mephisto had clearly underestimated this mortal, but the coup 'de graces had yet to be delivered. In the time Mephisto took to try to tend to his wounds, Spiderman threw some dirt from the ground into his eyes, blinding the living incarnation of evil for the final blow. Peter kicked Satan in the nuts as hard as he could, and the very second his foot made contact, angels began to sing. Peter wasted no time going to his trusty chainsaw for the final blow. By the time Mephisto regained his sight, it was too late; the blades had made contact with his flesh and tore his stomach open. The angels sang their chorus even louder, whilst the Devil's organs and blood were strewn all over the lair. "NO! I CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS! I CAN'T!" Mephisto screamed. But Spiderman had a different answer in mind. Once he was sure the hole was large enough, he grabbed Mephisto's head, and jammed his thumbs into the vile demon's eyes. Mephisto wailed as he felt pain even he, the Devil, thought was indescribable. Spidey gripped on the eye sockets as hard as he could. "This…is for Mary Jane!" He roared as he pulled and pulled with all his might, Satan screaming in agony during the whole process. At last, after one final strong jerk, the skin and muscle on his face tore open and the skull came loose. Spiderman roared in triumph as he held his trophy high while the angels let out a climatic chorus followed by a wail on the electric guitar. Mephisto's now-lifeless body still continued to spasm and move around aimlessly, until Spiderman grabbed it and shoved the skull into the hole in the abdomen he had previously created with his chainsaw. The demon's headless body fell down from the force and convulsed and spurted blood from its many wounds for a few more seconds before finally falling totally still.
It was over. Spiderman had gotten the revenge he had so long desired. But there was still work that needed to be done. With this in mind, Spiderman took the first train he could out of Hell.
"Where the hell is Peter!" Mary Sue-I mean, Carlie screamed. "It's been three hours! He promised me he would take me to see Hawthorne Heights! I got my wrists pre-cut and everything!"
"Oh, you perfect child, you are perfect for Peter, and I'm sure the rest of the world agrees," Aunt May said. "I'm sure he'll be here soon, because there's nobody in the world as perfect a girlfriend for him as you."
Just then there was a knock at the door. "Oh, finally, for fuck's sake!" Carlie bitched as she walked to the door and opened it. Standing there was Peter Parker, drenched in blood and smelling of demon guts and brimstone starring at her most unimpressed with her. "Where the hell where you! I've been waiting for hours for you to ge-"Peter didn't give her a chance before he grabbed her by the throat and dragged her outside. Carlie gasped for air, wondering how the hell Peter grew such a pair of balls so quick. "I told you before, Sue," he said without as much as a hint of hesitation. "I'm out of my emo phase." And with that, he hurled Carlie with all his might into the sun where she exploded on impact.
Aunt May gasped at the sight of what Peter had just done. "Peter! How could you do that to that perfect girlfriend of your's! She was perfect for you!"
"Just take your pills and you'll be fine," said Peter. "And call Mary Jane and tell her I've got front row seats to Judas Priest. And then Peter put on his costume and flew through the roof. He figured his aunt was getting senile anyway and would probably chalk it up to a delusion once her meds kicked in. But Peter now had one more name to erase. One more man who must die for his revenge to be complete. And when he acquired his target, he bust in through the roof and confronted his final victim.
"Sp-Spiderman! How can you be here! How can you fly! Where did you get that chains-"Joe Quesada tried to ask before the Webslinger webbed him to the nearest wall.
Spiderman just revved up his chainsaw. "It's magic. I don't HAVE to explain it, remember?"