Sorry for being dumb and not updating on my on-going Johnlock stories. I just have no ideas and motivation for them at this point. . But I'll suddenly get urges to do these little one-shots. I hope you don't mind. A Chance to say Goodbye is a work in progress as my friend and I are still formulating ideas and going over things since she's my muse. Hopefully a new chapter soon! Anyways, moving onto this little thing.
I do not own Sherlock or the song. I based this off of Tyler Ward's cover. Go listen to it if you have not heard it yet. It's very good.
Sherlock stood near his chair, idly plucking at the strings of his violin. I could just see him from where I was sitting in our bed. The door to his bedroom was little over half open from where he had left earlier. I just woke up from the lack of his body heat. I had not fallen asleep with him next to me as we had gotten into a row earlier.
I had gone to bed angry and left him sulking in the sitting room. By now, after having a few hours worth of sleep, I felt bad. I had not meant to yell at him or get so angry, but he had suddenly confronted me about going to lunch with Sarah as friends. I have known that he is jealous, but I became mad because he thought I was cheating on him. That was not the case, and never would be.
I rubbed at my eyes and glanced over to check the time. Of course he would be playing the violin at one in the morning. He always used to when I had nightmares. I had not dreamt one in a long while so I was a bit shocked as to why he was playing now. I knew that he did not know I was awake yet. I planned to keep it that way so I could hear him play.
He grabbed his bow and elegantly poised the instrument to his chin. Sliding the bow across the strings, he played a several starting notes that flowed out into the air. I closed my eyes and wondered at the odd tone of the music. Now, on rare occurrences did I ever get to hear him sing. This was one of those times.
"Now and then I think of when we were together," his deep voice sent chills down my spine, "Like when you said you felt so happy you could die," his voice was calm, smooth, and relaxed. "Told myself you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company, but that was love and it's an ache I still remember," I wondered at his choice of lyrics. Did he really feel that way? Surely he was not so broken up about the fight that he thought I'd leave him?
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, like resignation to the end, always the end," his voice dropped off lower at the end and I ached to go out there and hold him. "So when we found that we could not make sense, well you said that we could still be friends, but I'll admit that I was glad it was over," I could see the bow moving along the violin and watched as his body swayed with the music. I winced at the words. It hurt me to hear him sing like that and that he felt so afflicted.
"You didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing," I could see him shake his head softly, "And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough," he took a breath, "No you didn't have to stoop so low, have your friends collect you records and then change your number. I guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know," he paused, letting his bow drops slowly of the violin before raising it again.
"I used to know," his voice remained mellow and calm, not yet getting into the feel of the music he played. Something told me his voice should be more deep and emotional. I pulled the covers off of my legs and moved to stand in the doorway to better see him. His back was turned to me, and I could see that he had thrown on his blue dressing gown over his clothes.
"Now and then I think of all the time you screwed me over," he continued on, letting me feel of the grief from earlier. "Had me believing it was always something that I'd done," his voice remained calm, but I saw him steal in a deeper breath and held my own in anticipation. "But I don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say," I shivered now at hearing the raw emotion break free from his words. "You said that you could let it go and I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know!" his voice made my heart ache.
"But you didn't have to cut me off! Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing. And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough!" the tone of the music switched and became louder, more empowering. "No, you didn't have to stoop so low! Have you friends collect your records and then change your number," his voice went higher at the end of this line, "I guess that I don't need that though. Now you're just somebody that I used to know," his voice dwindled off. "I used to know," after that all fell silent.
His back was still turned towards me as he lifted the violin down from his chin. I stood in the doorway another moment before silently walking up to him. I knew he could not hear me coming as he was locked away in his own thoughts. Wrapping me arms gently around him, I pulled his taller body back into my chest. He set the violin and bow down and spun into my arms, this time pulling me into him.
His head nuzzled down into my neck, and I could feel the hot tears dripping down from his eyes. I wrapped my arms higher up around his shoulders to tug him further into me and to embrace him tighter. I realized now that I had said some things that would not sit well with him.
"Please come to bed," I whispered into his ear, not wanting to break our embrace just yet. He shook his head against my neck. I bit my lip to hold back my own tears. His thin, but strong arms were warm around my waist as he held me. "I am sorry," I murmured, now tucking my head into his collarbones. He still did not make any motion to move or reply. "Sherlock, I still love you," I consoled him, feeling my own tears prick at my eyes and drip down one by one.
He reacted to that and pushed me away from him, only to an arms length distance. His hands clapped firmly onto my shoulders and I stared up into his red rimmed eyes as he stared down into my own. I sniffled a bit, knowing I must look terrible with a scrunched up face from trying to hold back my tears. He watched my face for any sign of a lie. The fact that he could not believe me right away struck me hard.
"I don't want you to stop loving me," my voice raised pitch and cut off as I dropped his gaze and raised a hand to my mouth. "I'm so stupid," I whispered out in a crackly voice. Both of his hands came up to my cheeks and pushed away my hand that was covering my mouth. He raised my face up so I would look him in the eyes again and brought his down to gently kiss me.
His cupid bow lips brushed ever so delicately across mine before pushing with a steady pressure. I cautiously kissed back, not sure of what to expect from his silence. Slowly, I brought my arms up to rest across the back of his neck. I tipped up on my toes as his tongue brushed against my lower lip.
I shuddered at the heat of his mouth against mine and brought my lips open. He lightly nipped at my lower lip before letting his tongue slip in. His hands moved from my cheeks to my hips, pulling me in closer to him. Our chests bumped and our hips met as our tongues caressed each other. I lightly moaned into his mouth, opening my lips more and suckling at his tongue.
"I love you," he breathed across my mouth when he finally pulled away. I stared up into his eyes, seeing his pupils had slightly dilated and his cheeks held a healthy flush. I smiled in relief and leaned my body weight into him, knowing he would hold me up. He did, and turned my body so he could lift me up into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder as he walked back into our bedroom.
The white sheets were still in a messy bunch from where I had kicked them off earlier. He laid me down where I was before and walked around to the other side of the bed. As soon as he lay down, I cuddled up next to him and tossed half my body over his. Our legs entwined and my head rested over his heart. I sighed in content and shut my eyes.
"Sherlock?" I hummed, knowing I would get his full attention.
"Yes, John?" he asked back, bring one of his hands up to stroke down my back.
"I don't know," I said with a small laugh, just wanting to hear his voice. I knew he understood when a laugh bubbled up from him.
"Go to sleep, I will be here when you wake up," he yawned while using his feet to pull the sheets up. His free hand grabbed them and tugged them the rest of the way so they were snuggly around my shoulders and his chest. I nuzzled my nose into his sternum and smiled, letting the darkness of sleep wash over me.