Oh No, You Didn't

"Uh-oh. I think Madam Mayor is purposefully trying to seduce me. Or you. Or both of us. At the same time."

Raising an eyebrow, the Sheriff turned around (none too subtly at that, being a little tipsy herself) on the bar stool to witness the object of Ruby's attention. Her Unholy Passive-Aggressiveness had just walked through the door and, making no effort to acknowledge Emma's presence, casually sat down at the vacant booth in the corner (also known as The Seat of Suit-clad Evil™, as coined by Ruby herself). Although grateful to all things sacred, Emma was mystified as to what Regina had come here for if not to publicly humiliate the blonde. Her answer came in the form of a ten year old boy tiptoeing behind and taking a seat across from Regina; for a moment Emma wondered whether they always sat like that. She shook her head; apparently Henry was the one to decide where to have dinner on Saturday nights and she bet he knew just the place to pick, too. Then a waning speck of sympathy (or fear) she held for the Mayor echoed somewhere and she merely waved at the boy before returning her attention to the waitress in front of her. "Why? Because she's sitting as far away from us as she possibly can? Yeah, that screams 'do me in the supply closet' like nothing else," Emma chuckled and took another sip of her margarita.

Ruby shook her head. She was beginning to gain a lot of respect for Mary Margaret lately, having to explain to Emma the slightest nuances of affection (that's what she called it — but mainly just sex drive) in people. (She had actually made a game out of it, no joke. It was called 'How Turned On Is That Guy/Girl Who Just Came In?' Emma would lose. Every time.) "Would you stop staring at her boobs and take just one moment to actually look at her?"

Emma's first response was to roll her eyes and hunch lower over her glass, but when Ruby snatched said glass from her hand and gave her a disapproving glare, Emma knew she wasn't getting out of this one. Sighing, she took in the Mayor's appearance. Crimson red lipstick matching the color of her fingernails, her Saturday Power Suit #3, the two top buttons of her shirt hanging purposelessly on the rim, a tight skirt and stockings — all in black of course — one leg (the one closer to the stalking duo — not that it mattered) crossed over the other and whoah, Emma really shouldn't be looking in that direction. All in all, not much out of the ordinary. "Sorry, I got nothing."

"Ems! It's like minus infinity outside!" the brunette hissed, gesturing melodramatically towards the front door of the diner.

"It's not like we're in Greenland."

"She gave me the look when she entered."

"What look?" Emma asked nonchalantly, not particularly interested in another one of Ruby's Storybrooke conspiracy theories.

"You know, the look. An innocent bat of the eyelashes to make you blink in case you're seeing things, the subtle hint of a seductive smile followed by a slight guilty tilt of the chin downward — you know, the look you give me when you've had about ten of these, except you're really bad at it," Ruby said pointing at the now empty glass in Emma's grasp, much to the Sheriff's disgust because hell to the no. "That's not just gay, that's, like, super duper gay!" she beamed.

"Are you sure you're not just crushing on her and seeing what you wanna see?" Emma raised an eyebrow. It was true, Ruby seemed far too preoccupied with the mayor whenever Regina appeared within her close vicinity these days. Not that she could blame her; heck, as far as Emma was concerned, Regina was damn hot. Like, the red giant level of hot. Too bad she also ranked on the red giant level of bitch. (And her ranking had nothing to do with the power suits, really.)

Ruby snorted. "I'll prove it to you."

Oh no. Oohh no no no. "God, Ruby, my kid is here!"

"Not yet; you'll have plenty of opportunities to call me that later," Ruby gave her a foxy grin, completely ignoring the rest of Emma's statement, and made her way to The Seat of Suit-clad Evil, leaving Emma to rub the bridge of her nose in frustration and pray to all that was sacred Ruby wouldn't do anything too stupid. The chances it wouldn't be stupid at all vanished into thin air the second Ruby set foot near the booth. "So, what'll it be tonight?"

"Grilled cheese and hot chocolate, please," Henry chirped, oblivious to Regina's disapproving glare.

"And for you, Madam Mayor?" Ruby grinned from ear to ear.

Regina looked her up and down — slowly, that openly judging way of hers — sending shivers down the brunette's spine. "Just coffee for me, thank you."

Ruby returned to the bar to find Emma all but peeking through her fingers. When the blonde was about to call her out on her failed demonstration, Ruby shushed her with a "wait and see" before doing her magic behind the counter.

When she came back with a grilled cheese and two cups, Emma's mouth formed a silent "oh no you didn't". "Did Regina honestly order—"

"Nope!" Ruby smiled.

"You are dead. Fired and dead. It's been nice knowing you, Rubes, but I'm not gonna rush over and save your ass from this."

Not at all bothered by almost causing Emma a heart attack, Ruby sauntered over to Regina and Henry's booth and set the plate on the table. "One grilled cheese and two hot chocolates, one with cinnamon, one without." (Better not overdo it, she thought; Regina didn't seem like a cinnamon person.)

"I did not order that," uttered the mayor, her voice a deadly poison (as expected in this situation) and yet, Ruby wasn't at all bothered by it.

"I know, but that's just because you don't know what you're missing," Ruby whispered as she leaned unnecessarily far over the table and unnecessarily close to Regina's face, nudging the cup of hot chocolate towards her.

Regina did not move a muscle, her gaze locked on the wolf in Ruby's eyes.

Henry frowned in confusion.

Emma felt like running a bullet or five through her brains.

Ten or forty minutes later, or something — Emma couldn't really tell because it was also two Pepperclears later (not enough to get her completely hammered in front of the kid, but enough for her to be able to look Ruby in the breasts, er, eyes again) — Ruby went to collect the mayor's payment, expecting a rather sizeable tip to go with it. Emma could see Regina pulling a pen from somewhere in the depths of her suit of evil (and really, it was even more frightening, given that she was always prepared for such occasions) and quickly scribbling something on a piece of paper (where did that come from?) and then Ruby was heading back with a triumphant grin plastered on her face that looked like it was sculpted. Without a word, Ruby handed the piece of paper for Emma to examine. Turns out it was an ordinary card, however, with extra info on the back.

I believe there are more delicious things I've been missing, Ms. Lucas. Care to show me tomorrow? ~R

Emma's jaw dropped to the floor and she would probably have to chase it in her semi-drunken state, had Ruby not aided her in the whole mouth-closing process and patted her cheek. "Told you; booty call," she smirked, casually shoving the card down her bosom (so that it wouldn't accidentally get lost, of course).

Emma burst out laughing; she realized, at the back of her mind, that she would probably curse herself and all the world tomorrow, so for now, she could as well admit this was fucking hilarious. Booty call! From the mayor! Oh lord, Rubes was good. Hah! Booty call! Hahah.

Ruby bit her lip to stop herself from laughing in Emma's face. The poor thing would spend the next day (week, month) wallowing in unresolved sexual tension. Unless… Raising an eyebrow, she whispered in Emma's ear, "You want the card? Then come and get it."

Oh no she didn't.