1) This one kinda sucks, really. It's my muddled brain's attempt at a crack fic.
2) Slight SasoDei (boyxboy)
3) Swearing, sexual innuendos, nonsensical idiocy, and typical Akatsuki behavior.
4) The idea was inspired by a story I read, I think... can't really remember. It's more or less completely random though. Failed attempts at humor. Enjoy, and whatnot.
5) Oh yeah... Naruto ain't mine.
"Alright, Deidara, first thing's first. I've got some questions for you, so please answer honestly and intelligibly."
The man across the desk from me has a firm, smooth voice and his eyes are piercing deeply into mine without shame. The room we currently reside within is only faintly lit by the moonlight seeping through the moon roof and windows, which strikes me as odd, and more than a bit eerie. I swallow thickly with anxiety and nod my understanding.
"Good." Suddenly his calm facade is replaced by a disconcertingly cheerful grin. I mentally sweat-drop.
"Okay, first question: Do you own more than three brands of hair-care product, not including shampoo or conditioner?"
The man beams at me, clearly satisfied with the response.
"Next: Do you paint your finger nails? If so, how often?"
I blink slowly, and then a grin erupts onto my face.
"Duh, un! At least once a weak."
"Very good, very good. Ah, this one's off the record- what color do you use? I personally prefer a burnt orange or black." His tone is more casual now, almost bordering childish glee. My own enthusiasm shines through as I thrust my hands in front of his face, palms downward, allowing him to see my (freshly painted) nails.
"Navy blue, un! I think it does well to accentuate my eyes."
Gingerly, the man grasps my wrists and pulls my hands a bit closer, inspecting them intently.
"Hmm... You are right, Deidara. Great to see you have such a keenly artistic eye." He finally releases my wrists and offers me a brief, admiring smile before going serious once more. "But I digress. We still have an interview to finish."
I smirk confidently and nod, now entirely comfortable in the presence of this man. Oh, how I hoped the interview went well now. I can only imagine what other kinds of colorful characters are in the organization.
"Question number three: Are you plagued by any prominent physical abnormalities?"
The man huffs a sigh. "Are there any weird and/or disturbing parts of your body? A deformity, so to speak?"
"Oh, un. That. Well sure. Just take a look at this!" I move my hands before his face again, this time palms facing upward. As soon as his strange, ringed eyes focus on them in the faint moonlight, a pair of tongues roll out from the smirking mouths on each of my upturned palms.
Silence engulfs us for a full minute as he studies the quirk inquisitively. Finally he gives a thoughtful hum, stating simply, "That could definitely be one of the more... useful deformities." A knowing smirk spreads across his lips and I can't help but blush at the implication.
"It-It's not a deformity, un! It's ART!" I sputter indignantly, attempting to distract from my embarrassment.
Fortunately, the man has a shred of mercy, as he merely proceeds with the next question. I sit back in my excessively snug chair, arms crossed and bottom lip pushed out in a pout.
"Let's see now, where were we...? Oh, of course. This one is very important, Deidara, so listen carefully."
"Do you suffer from a severe mental illness, including, but not limited to: depression, bipolar disorder, acute OCD, extensive sadomasochistic tendencies, schizophrenia, split personality, etcetera?"
"Well... I like to blow stuff up, un."
"Close enough, I suppose."
"No, I really like to blow stuff up. A lot, un."
One of his thin auburn brows raises at my blunt admission, mischief gleaming in those unusual eyes of his.
"Oh? Do you get off to the explosions, Deidara?"
"You sure about that?" He murmurs.
"Yes, un!" I snap back, both flustered and irritated.
"Yes you're sure, or yes you get off to-"
"Can we please just go to the next question, Pein-sama?"
"Fine, fine. You're no fun."
Resisting the urge to roll my ice-blue eyes, I grumble something incomprehensible.
"Alright, time for the next question. If you could describe your childhood in three words or less, what would you say?"
I didn't even have to think about this one as I spit out, somewhat bitterly, "Seriously fucked up, un."
"...I'll let that little speech impediment slide. Otherwise, that's great news."
I blink dumbly. "It is?"
"Of course, dear Deidara-chan!" Pein offers an uncharacteristically gleeful grin in my direction.
"-Chan? Hey, I'm not a freaking-"
"Hush, Deidara-chan. It's all okay now, because this interview was a complete success! Welcome to the Akatsuki."
"-girl, God dammit; I have a dick. Wait, what?" My eyes light up with excitement and I leap to my feet impulsively, the chair I was once situated in falling backward with a loud thud. "Oh, joy! I'm so ecstatic! I've always dreamed of being a member of the Akatsuki~" My hands are clasped together in a girly fashion and I gaze into the distance dreamily.
Pein is beside me, somehow without my noticing the movement before now, with his right arm draped over my shoulders casually as he looks in the direction I am staring. He looks puzzled at first, but then he just ruffles my hair (which definitely jerks me out of fantasy-land) and opens the door at the far wall of the office.
My glare is short-lived. Without warning, a light is switched on, temporarily blinding me- though I can hear undeniably deafening sounds flooding into the room.
When my vision finally returns I am unable to actually savor it, as I am trampled forcefully to the ground.
"Welcome to Akatsuki, Sempai~!" Damn, that voice is annoying already.
Eh? Too much noise... can't even think straight...
"You'd better be useful enough to bring in some money..."
I blink and force the obnoxious weight off my chest, sitting up with a grunt. "Money?"
"Hn... Ignore him."
"Uh, alright, un."
"Are you just going to sit on the floor like an idiot, Brat?"
I'm on my feet in seconds, about to show that prick just how much of a brat I can be, but then I actually look at the owner of the voice. My mouth opens and closes foolishly for a few beats. My hand mouths salivate conspicuously. My face, surely, is flushed. Once my mouth ultimately decides to function properly, it utters the most ridiculous words that I certainly did not consent to.
"Hai, Danna. Sorry about that, un."
That enticingly sexy redhead across the room raises an eyebrow in silent question. I can hear, more than see, the smirk in his voice as he says, "Master, huh? I suppose that is appropriate. Come here, my little puppet. I'll show you to our room."
I think I've died and gone to Heaven.
"Yes, Danna." My feet, of course, move of their own accord. I'm vaguely aware that the grating, dissonant sounds of just a few moments ago have quieted significantly. I can feel eyes on my back as I obediently follow the scrumptious redhead out of the office.
Once halfway down the hall, the chaos resumes, though our distance allows only muffled echoes of the racket.
Watching my Danna's back as he leads us onward, my mouth forms into a small, genuine smile.
I have no doubts now. My time in the Akatsuki will be the best of my life.
See? Told you I fail right now.