Title: Please Don't
Summary: Abby knows that she needs help, but is she strong enough to actually ask for it. Abby/Luka, S14, episode tag
Lyrics: Failure's Not Flattering - New Found Glory (and) Hello - Kelly Clarkson
So, as always, I was branching out a little in the drabble challenge, and the second set started, and it ran away with itself. First part is set during "Blackout" and the rest is during "300 Patients"
I won't cast the first stone, nor make the first mark
But I will leave a lasting impression
You believe what you want, and you've said what's been said
And I do hope you learn a lesson
It didn't really matter what she did. He'd never believe her now anyway.
She hadn't been strong enough alone to fight the urge to drink. She hadn't been able to keep her head together long enough to do it.
And Moretti, what had she been thinking? All she could think was she was drunk and lonely. Luka had been in Croatia, and she had needed something. But the thought of what she did made her physically sick. Every time she thought about it.
She'd have thought that she'd have learnt last time. Drinking didn't solve anything. It hadn't worked with Carter, and she knew, she knew, it would ruin her and Luka if she let it. She couldn't let it. This time she had to beat it.
Gotta keep it all together
Longing for a hand to hold
Keep clear on the shadows
Is there anybody, anybody? Hello?
"Luka, I need help"
They had been the hardest words she'd ever had to say, and the look in his eyes made her wish none of this had happened. She should be the supportive one. Luka had just learnt his father had died, but yet again she was asking more from him. It always seemed she was asking from him.
"I started drinking again" she admitted, and she couldn't look at him. They were stood so close together, but it was as if they were on a different planet. A billion miles apart and struggling to get over the boundary that seemed to spring up in her mind when he hadn't been there. Joe had been hurt, and he hadn't been there, and that night was the night.
"When?" she sensed him turning to her, studying her, but she continued watching the rain. Using it as a balm for her wounded soul. The simple beauty of the drops almost hypnotising her. Giving her the strength to actually tell him.
"The night Joe got hurt" she almost whispered it. Quietly. She thought another second and continued. "And I, can't stop" she admitted, feeling the tears build up in her eyes. It was too much for her to hold them in any longer.
"I thought when I came back you just needed to get used to being married again." She heard the pain in his voice, and an underlying current of disappointment. She'd expected both. Maybe that was part of the problem, she loved him so much, so very much, but she messed up. She always messed up. She was more like her mother than she thought. He took a deep breath, and she continued staring at the window. Because she knew the minute she looked at him that she'd break again. "Then things didn't get better and I thought, so what do we do?"
"I need to fix it. I need to go somewhere, a facility with professionals, and get better." She took a deep breath, knowing that she needed this. She needed to do this. "And I need to believe it this time, and I need you to believe it." She turned to him, and saw how deeply this situation cut him, hurt him, but she couldn't help it, she needed his help "And I need you to help me. So." Her next request hurt her so badly. So much that she almost wanted to cry just asking it. She couldn't look at him while asking, she went back to studying the rain "So take Joe, go to Croatia for your father, while I do that"
"You want us to go without you?" she heard the surprise in Luka's voice, and reticence. He didn't want to take their son from her, even if she asked him too. Even if she needed him too.
"Yeah, I just," she wanted to explain. She needed to explain that she couldn't be the mother that Joe deserved until she had beaten this, but he kept talking, and she knew that he meant it.
"You're his mother"
"I know that, I know that!" she almost shouted, before lowering her voice again, she thought about the last few weeks, and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "But I haven't been a very good one, and I honestly don't think I can be until I deal with this" She didn't know how she managed to hold back her tears, and she wouldn't, couldn't let this happen any other way.
"Can't we do this together?" he asked, his eyes tracing the lines of her face and she wanted more than anything to turn to him and wrap her arms around him. But she couldn't do that, she just couldn't. Because there were so many things she needed to do.
"This is how we do it together. You have to help me do it alone." Couldn't he see. Asking him to take Joe and go. So she could get over this. Was killing her. She didn't want to be without them. She wanted to be able to be there for them both. She slid onto the bench under the window and looked into the room, as Luka slid next to her he spoke.
"It's my fault isn't it?"
"Don't, please don't" She needed him to stop. He couldn't take the blame for this. It wasn't his fault she was an addict, it wasn't his fault that she had so royally screwed up in their relationship that it had come to this in the first place.
"I should have come home earlier, I shouldn't have left you alone" She heard the lump in his throat and the catch in his voice, and she saw the tears, the tears she was causing. Nobody else was causing them, this was all her fault, all her problem, and she hated that.
"No, I should have been able to handle it"
"I broke my promise" there was a strangled sob somewhere in the bottom of his voice, something he pushed down even as it tried to escape, and she hated that she had caused it.
"Don't do that, OK, don't. I screwed up. I. Screwed. Up. Because I couldn't keep it together. Because this is my fault" Her voice began to raise, and she finally said the words. Finally told the truth. That it was all her fault. Everything here was her fault, and she needed to heal. So she could raise her son, and be at least a half decent wife.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he repeated over and over, and she had to stop him, because she couldn't cope with the apologies, she couldn't cope with him taking the blame.
"And please don't, don't, just don't. I'm sorry" She wanted to wrap her arms around him. As they both sat in silence for just a couple of minutes, he reached over for her hand, and she gripped him as tightly as she could.
"Luka, I love you, please do this for me. For me, and for you, and especially for Joe" she almost pleaded, he nodded and leant his forehead against hers, their tears mingling in her lap. She just sat there. Wishing that someone had seen the signs before, so none of this had happened.
Leaving was hard, she wanted to wrap her arms around them, and not have to leave. She just kissed Joe's head, and looked at Luka as she got behind the wheel. She put her hand to the window, and could have sworn she felt the heat of his hand through the glass. She needed to go, to leave, before she changed her mind about all of this.
She was doing it for her family, and she'd be able to join them soon, and she'd be able to be the Abby they both needed.