When Thor returned his brother to Asgard, he expected Loki to get a severe punishment. Instead of some type of extended torture, Loki was banished to Midgard without any of his powers for an indefinite amount of time.
Needless to say, Thor disagreed with this decision. He fought with Odin for hours, but still it did no good. No matter what he said, Odin would not agree. Thor's father said that Loki was an arrogant, foolish man that needed to be taught a lesson in humility. He would not allow that lesson to be taught on Asgard. So, Thor settled for the best he could do. After pulling quite a few strings (and using Frigga to outsmart Odin), he was able to make suitable arrangements for Loki on Earth.
On Midgard, he sought out Jane Foster and Darcy Lewis. He had a joyous reunion with Jane, who had continued to search for him. After allowing himself the luxury of an hour in her company, he asked her a favor. While he understood the gravity of the situation he would be putting Jane Foster in, he also understood how hard it would be for his brother to survive without his powers. He had to do this, for Loki.
"My brother is not a terrible man. He is misunderstood and often uncredited. It has made him bitter and jealous. My father does not understand this as I do. The Allfather cannot see how at fault I am in this. If only I would have noticed Loki's pain before, or saw how bitter with envy he was... Please, Jane, I would not ask if I did not have to. But I would be forever in your debt if you could keep Loki here with you."
"Thor... Believe me when I say I would, if only I could. I'm not always here; S.H.I.E.L.D. keeps me very busy. If anything, Darcy's usually here, but..."
"Glorious!" His deep exclamation interrupted her words. "Darcy Lewis would be a fine caretaker for Loki."
"I don't know if that's such a good idea..."
The look her gave her changed her mind. She couldn't say no to him, especially when it was clear how much his brother still meant to him. Jane sighed, knowing Darcy would kill her for this. But she had to. Thor needed her to do this, and who was she to deny him the right to help his (murderous, dominating, war-inducing!) brother? Reluctantly, she agreed.
"Thank you, Jane." And then he kissed her and she forgot all about Darcy throttling her for making this decision without her. When he pulled her away, the smile was still on his lips. It had also transferred to hers.
"Director Fury insisted on giving me your equivalent of currency. The Man of Iron said he would put it away and gave me this card. He said this will produce the currency if I were ever to need it. Use this to take care of Loki."
That was the rest of their talk of Loki for the night.
"You said I would what?"
Jane knew Darcy would be angry. So she used her secret weapon. Pity. "Darcy, I am so sorry. I couldn't say no to Thor; it means a lot to him. He just wants Loki to be safe..."
"Like I care if he's safe! He tried to take over the damn world, Jane!"
"I know, but Thor still loves him."
"I talked Fury into giving you a raise, and you still work from home. All you have to do is go to Loki's apartment once a day, to check on him and bring him things... It isn't that bad of an arrangement. Thor pays for everything."
"I still can't do this! He's a murderer! Oh, god, he could kill me, Jane! And you're asking me to do this!"
"He can't kill you! His powers were taken away!"
"I once read a book where this girl admitted she could kill someone with an uncooked spaghetti noodle! I don't want to die a death by pasta!"
"Darcy, you're being unreasonable," Jane said sternly.
"You're being unreasonable if you expect me to accept this!"
"I already said you would! Don't make me a liar, Darcy."
"You made yourself a liar, Jane Foster."
"Please tell me you'll at least think about it?"
"Yeah, when I need something to make me laugh!" Darcy stormed out of Jane' room and into her own. Jane winced when she heard the door slam. Seconds later, Blink 182 could be heard blaring from behind said door. Jane sighed.
Two days later, Darcy approached Jane with a scowl.
"Thor better be paying for me a new album on iTunes. No, two! If I have to put up with a world-dominating loon I'm gonna need something to keep me sane. And I'll have my taser on me at all times."
"That's perfectly fine. Just please do this for me."
"You are so lucky I like you. Fury called and told me I had no choice in the matter."
Jane smiled gratefully. "I know. And I'm sorry for putting you in this position. But, really... Thank you, Darcy."
"Whatever. Let's go get some ice cream while we wait for Zeus and Hannibal. You're paying."
Thor had Loki settled into a fairly nice apartment in the same complex as Darcy, which wasn't far from Jane's new research center. He was on the floor above her. It was fully furnished, with cable and the likes. Some guy with weirder speaking habits than Thor placed spells on the place so that Loki could not leave without being accompanied by Darcy, Jane, or Thor.
After getting her two albums (Fall Out Boy's Folie a Deux and Matchbox 20's Exile on Mainstream) and ice cream, Darcy accepted the job reluctantly. She set a list of rules (No harm shall come to Darcy; no harm shall come to Darcy's things; the taser is always at the ready; any rude comments will have retaliations) which she didn't really expect him to follow. Once a day, she would stop by and check on him. Slowly (mostly because he spent two months refusing), she taught him how to work the various machines and technologies that he was unfamiliar with. After that, she taught him to cook (which he was surprisingly good at). He read often, meaning that she made various trips to the library. Thor visited a lot as well, which Loki hated at first; while he didn't claim to enjoy his brother's visits once the awkwardness had vanished, he did not complain about them.
Most of the time, he didn't speak to her. In the beginning, if he spoke, it was rude and demeaning. Once she began teaching him things, he mainly asked questions or made comments. Six months into her new job, he occasionally made polite remarks or asked questions out of curiosity. When a year had passed, they held a decent conversation. Loki would accompany her grocery shopping, so he could choose for himself, and to the diner once in a while. His favorite place was the library, which he often drug her to and kept her there for hours. They went on a few other excursions once in a blue moon.
On one particular day, Darcy visited Loki twice. This was the first time it had ever happened, and he was very curious as to why she knocked, waited for an answer, and bolted past him to his living room.
"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded as she sat on her couch.
"Look, dude. My TV broke, and my laptop doesn't load videos well lately. If I had he time, I would totally drive to the research center. But I don't. So I'm jacking your TV for a bit." She rearranged herself, folding her bare legs (did mortals really wear pants that short? He had thought they were for "reality shows" only) beneath her and flipping to the right channel.
"...and that's what you missed on Glee!"
"Yes! Just in time. Alright, Loki, be quiet. I've been dying to see this episode. Its supposed to be Darren Criss's debut. And after AVPM, there is nothing I wouldn't watch with this man in it."
Loki ignored her, not really knowing what the crazed girl was speaking about. He sat on the couch beside her. Whatever this was, he was curious.
She shushed him during the first part of the episode, but quickly explained what Glee was during the first bout of commercials. He thought it sounded rather silly. Darcy was defensive; she claimed that it was the best. The best at what, he wasn't sure, but he watched anyway. After her explanation, he found the scenes dealing with Beiste or the teenage couples incredibly awkward. When the part came where Kurt (Darcy's "absolute favorite," because he's "so damn cute") goes to spy on the opposing team (finally, something interesting!), Darcy gave a squeal of delight. He jumped, looking at her oddly.
"What in the world was that?"
"This man," she gestured to the boy leading Kurt around by his hand, "is Darren Criss! Now shush." Whenever this "Darren Criss" man started singing, she swooned. "Ohmigosh, they're undressing each other with their eyes and this is going to lead to Chris on Criss sexy times..."
This earned her several odd looks from Loki. She didn't care. Kurt needed to be with this man.
Things were relatively normal (which is normal based on Loki and Darcy, not most standards) until Karofsky kisses Kurt. While Darcy is thoroughly furious and curses more than usual at the television, Loki is confused.
"If this mortal hates Kurt, why in the world would he kiss him?"
"Well," she said, still fuming a bit. More Darren Criss was needed to settle this. "He's a jock, who likes guys. Kurt likes guys, but isn't a jock and is very open about it. Karofsky," she practically spit his name, he noticed, "is not open. If he were openly gay, people would make fun of him and put him down like he does Kurt. He's mad because Kurt has courage and is strong enough to believe and be who he is no matter what others think."
"You mortals are so ignorant. Two men is no different that two women, and that's no different than a man and a woman. Had I ruled you..."
"Yeah, yeah," she cut him off as the show began again. "It would've rocked and everybody would be happy. I've heard it all before."
He made a noise of distaste but watched the episode. They briefly agreed on their love (a loose term, in Loki's case) of the Kurt character. He was witty, which the ex-demi-god rather enjoyed. After that, it was relatively quiet until the scene with Kurt and Blaine approaching Dave begins. Darcy is practically on the edge of the couch. They're sitting rather close, but she doesn't notice. When Kurt confesses that he's so bothered because it was the only kiss that really counts and Blaine offers to take him to lunch, Darcy awww's for two minutes straight.
"I don't understand why Kurt was so upset. Kisses are nothing in this world. If I'm correct, they are a means to an end. Most people desire sex."
Darcy sighed. "That's true, but kisses are the doorway to many more things. They're the center of romance. Kissing in the rain, under the mistletoe, in front of a crowd... Every girl, and gay guy I guess, dreams of the perfect first kiss."
"But its just one kiss. That shouldn't matter at all. Never being kissed is an easy thing to remedy."
"You don't get it. Kissing is romance, not sex. And romance is hard for a gir... er, person interested in men, to come by nowadays. Guys suck."
He frowned. "I generally thought women would..."
"Alright! No, that's not what I meant." A flush covered what he could see of her collar and neck, creeping up her face. That tank top did not leave much to the imagination. "Kissing should be romantic and lovely, not rushed and forced. I've never had a kiss I would count as my first one, because they sucked."
An awkward silence fell over them, and Darcy looked any but at (attractive, intelligent, charming, her-brain-won't-shut-the-hell-up-about-how-perfect-he-is) Loki. "Do not expect me to remedy that, mortal."
She looked abashed, but countered with, "Who the hell said I would want to kiss you, anyways?"
He gave her a sideways glance that she attempted not to blush at. They continued watching Glee in silence. After a few minutes, she picked up her chatter again. She approves of the compromise between Artie and Puck (Loki had snorted at the name), as well as the apology performance for Beiste. After the episode, she chats to Loki (or the air around him) about her favorite parts.
"Anyway, thanks for letting me jack your TV for a while. Glee is just too good to miss. And that's definitely my favorite episode right now... Yeah." She stood up to leave, stretching a bit. Not moving from the couch for an entire episode of Glee can make a girl tense.
He did not notice how the shorts left her long, shapely, pale legs exposed. Or how the tank top clung to her torso nicely. No, not at all.
"Again, thanks." She paused for a moment, looking at him oddly. Then, very decisively and with a devilish grin, Darcy leaned down and kissed Loki on the cheek. It was a soft, lingering kiss and he had never had one like it. As quickly as she had started it, she was straightening and walking out the door. He had caught the definite flush on her face just before she turned around.
Loki smirked. Perhaps Darcy Lewis was not so bad.
For a mortal.
1 I have absolutely no idea where this came from. I was watching this episode of Glee (because my friend was and I had never seen Glee before, but I love Darren Criss. It was wonderful and I'm a superfan of Klaine by now) and this exploded from it.
2 AVPM, also A Very Potter Musical, in which Darren Criss sang and acted as Harry Potter.
3 I wrote this while listening to Darren Criss's Teenage Dream performance many times.
4 Loki and Darcy are great together. I needed something with them. Really. So here it is. Review, is you please.
5 I updated this chapter with an editted version the same day I added the second part.