I gasped and woke up from the nightmare. This happened several times every night now, and people were begining to worry about me. I always tell them I'm fine, even though I'm not. I just don't want them to worry, I don't think I could explain it to them so they'd understand anyway.
I don't want to explain. The nightmares are my own, and no matter how much I tell myself that it's stupid, it doesn't make me feel better. These feelings pain me, and when I look at him, it hurts even more. I have to hide behind this mask of hate and lies, just so he won't find out.
Timcampy flew over from his perch on my bed post and growled, baring teeth at me. He doesn't want me to be this weak about this, but I can't help it. These terrors scare me. They scare me more than anything. And it's his fault.
No matter how much I love that gorgeous, raven haired samurai, it can't be. He won't love me back. I know this. He has hated me from the first sight. But for me, it's been the exact opposite. I don't want him to be more disgusted by me though. So I can't show him the truth.
I have to argue and fight with him daily. But I can barely do that recently, my lack of sleep has been taking a tole on me. Komui hasn't sent me on a mission in weeks, afraid that I'll get myself hurt. I probably will.
Kanda, on the other hand, has been taking all the missions I would be sent on usually. Komui decided that since Kanda is the top exorcist, he could handle double the work load. He hadn't been home in weeks, he'd been going from mission to mission instead of stopping at home. But he had a break now, and Lavi was taking my missions to allow him one.
Kanda insists on starting fights now that he's here. He hates that I'm not working. He hates that he has to work for me. I hate it too, it's more danger that he's put in, and I want him to always be safe. I used to enjoy our fights to an extent, I'd get to touch him without people thinking something strange was going on.
I can't do it any more though. And now, when Kanda starts a fight, his fist will hault in front of my face, then he'll storm off because I'm not going to fight back. He muttered something about how boring it was, and how bad it would make him look if "baka Moyashi isn't going to fight back".
I'm scared, I really am. For him. I'm scared that the Earl will kill him. And that's what I have nightmares about every time I fall asleep. Him, lying in a pool of blood and not moving at all. Watching him take his last breaths. Hearing him curse my name, because the Earl wouldn't direct his attention to Kanda if I didn't love him. Things like that scare me.
It's three in the morning, and I've been tossing and turning all night, falling asleep and waking up from nightmares. I only get about 2 hours of real sleep each night now a days. It's exhausting, and I know I can't do anything about it.
I get up. There's no reason to stay in bed if I won't get any sleep. I start my exorcises, push ups, sit ups, and other things and their variants. After I fnish, I lean against the wall and pant, I can't keep it up for long. I start to think about my day, and I realize I have nothing to do.
That's what makes it worse for me. If I had something to do, I wouldn't feel the compulsion to fall asleep so often. And if I didn't fall asleep so often, I wouldn't have nightmares. I thought it was that simply, but it's not. They haunt me while I'm awake too, creeping into my every day thoughts and scaring me until I have to rush to the bathroom so people won't see me cry.
My life has been hell since I realized I love him. And I can't stop it. In my least desirable moments, I've contemplated suicide, but Timcampy will bite me and remind me of my mission. My lower moments have been growing more frequent as my sleep grows less.
I look at my clock again, and sigh. It's six now, and now most people are up. Kanda definitely is, and that's all that matters. My stumoch rumbles, and I realize I'm ravenous. There's no way out of this, I've got to go down and get breakfast. I have to straighten up, to look at least a little less of a mess than I am.
As I stumbled down one of the endless number of stair cases, I almost fell. But someone caught me by the back of my shirt and grumbled. I looked back and saw it was Kanda, I caught part of what he had, "Baka Moyashi...can't even walk down the stairs right." He walked down the stairs as I stood frozen.
After I couldn't see him any longer, I continued downward, and ended up in the cafeteria. Jerry stood next to a large pile of food on one of the tables, he beckoned me over and smiled sympathetically.
"You've seemed tired lately, so I didn't think you should be carrying so much." I smiled thankfully at him, I'd probably drop every bit of it as soon as I picked it up. Jerry smiled and walked back to the kitchen as I sat down.
Soon, Lenalee and Lavi had joined me, and Lenalee had pulled Kanda over so he wouldn't eat alone. My gaze drifted along them as I ate, but when I looked at Kanda my dreams came back to me. A rapid fire montage of Kanda dying went before my eyes. I turned pale and dropped my fork, choking on the piece of food in my mouth.
I swallowed it right and closed my eyes, hiding my face in my hands. As if that was going to keep the terrors out. They kept coming, and I gritted my teeth. I couldn't handle it any longer, and passed out.
Right before I fell into unconsciousness, I let my hands fall and my eyes had come open the teensiest bit. I saw Kanda pull my arm to steady me from across the table. I had been falling backwards and I would've cracked my skull open otherwise. I heard him mutter as if I was underwater, distant and slow. "Baka Moyashi..."
I gasped as I woke up, like always. Even when I pass out, I can't sleep for long. I looked around the room, and saw it was utterly unfamilar. I rubbed his eyes again, then pinched himself, just to make sure I wasn't asleep or delusional. I heard a grunt from a dark corner of the room.
Kanda was sitting cross legged on the floor, and it seems he had been meditating. "So, you're up." He commented gruffly.
"Where am I?" I asked hoarsely.
"My room. I carried you back to yours, but it was locked. I figured you either didn't want to go to the infirmary, or didn't need to, if you haven't been by now."
"You've been acting strange for weeks, Moyashi. And, you're obviously exhausted. What's been going on?" He scowled at me and stood, walking closer to his bed...wait! I was laying in Kanda's bed! I could feel myself blushing, and that made it more embarrassing.
"Nightmares...and daydreams..." I muttered, letting him slide with the 'Moyashi' thing since I was so tired.
"What could possibly be so terrifying? You're tough enough, and you're almost never scared!" He said in a complaining voice, but it was a compliment.
"I see someone I love die...and they curse me..."
"You mean that guy Mana?" He asks.
I shake my head vigorously, "No, they're still alive."
He raised one of his eyebrows skeptically, "Who could you possibly love, that doesn't like you? Pretty much everyone likes you."
Kanda seemed different now that we were alone, and probably wouldn't be interrupted. He seemed curious and actually sort of caring. I lked the attention, but hated the question. I mumbled.
"What?" He asked curiously, since he obviously couldn't hear me.
"You! I love you!" I said loudly, then clapped my hands over my face. Hiding never solved anything, but it helped a little with my utter embarrassment. I was expecting him to kick me out of his room, or yell at me, or tease me, or something! But he didn't. In fact, he was silent.
A few moments later, I felt his hands grip my wrists and the pull as he made me rest them in my lap. I squeezed my eyes shut, and I could tell he was hesitating on something. I was curious, but mortified by what I said, so I kept them shut.
Suddenly, I felt something warm press against my lips, and it took a few seconds for me to realize they were Kanda's lips. They were warm and slghtly chapped, I could tell that he had run his tongue over them before he instigated the kiss. I tilted my head a bit, leaning into the kiss as I grew used to it.
After several minutes of us kissing and nipping at each other's lips, we pulled away. Our lips were slghtly swollen, but it felt good. I looked at him curiously, wondering why the hell someone I thought hated me had kissed me. I loved it so much, but I was still confused.
"I love you too. I have for a while, but I didn't think you'd want me. But now that you say you love me too, I want you to be mine." He looked at me seriously, and I nodded, smiling.
I leaned closer and kissed him again, and sighed contentedly. He kissed back and smiled. After a few more minutes of kissing, we pulled apart again, and I yawned. Kanda smirked and moved so he was sitting beside me on the bed.
"Is Moyashi tired?" He asked teasingly, but could feel the care in his voice. I nodded, so he pushed me down so I was laying, and he lay beside me. Kanda pulled me close to him, so I was snuggled into his chest. "Try this then, maybe you'll be able to sleep well if I'm here."
I nodded and soon I was plunged into unconsciousness. I slept for so long, and it felt good for once. It was a blissfully dreamless sleep, and when I woke up it was dark and I was laying in Kanda's arms. I looked up at him, and he was asleep.
I smiled and lightly kissed him. Kanda's eyes opened slowly, and when he saw it was me, he kissed back. I'm nearly as tired as I was, no nightmares or daydreams to worry about, and Kanda and I are together. I think that I'll be fine after all.