Kurt Hummel was a genius, of course, but as every genius, there were some things that he did not understand. Ever.
He did not understand how Chandler Kiehl wore his signature beanie and a thick blazer in the summer heat and his brain did not melt out of his ears.
He did not understand why he was craving thin-crust pizza.
He did not understand why he was craving thin-crust pizza and Hershey's chocolate, preferably white chocolate.
He did not understand why people did not find a way where he can eat all the chocolate in the world and not gain an ounce of weight.
He did not understand why his Father decided to cut down his credit card after he bought that thousand dollar Chanel bag.
He did not understand why it was not 'suitable' to have his gay pornography magazines in his Chanel bag.
He did not understand why Chandler owned a cat.
He did not understand why Chandler looked like a cat.
He did not understand why he could not mark Sebastian Smythe as a species of endangered meerkat.
He did not understand why Blaine ate pizza with a spoon.
He did not understand why he was craving thin-crusted pizza eaten with a spoon whilst he popped white chocolate Hershey's in his mouth and watched gay pornography from his Chanel bag.
He did not understand how Chandler and Sebastian can be related, or how they can be cousins and then he remembered that Sebastian and Chandler were both endangered species of meerkat and cat.
He did not understand why children liked to make fun of his inability to get a date after Blaine and him broke up.
He did not understand why children were so cruel.
He did not understand why he and Chandler were trying to babysit evil children for extra money, and he did not appreciate how loud Sebastian Smythe was laughing.
"Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, can't get a date and it hurts! Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, can't get a date and it hurts!"
The chime of children sung with zeal and enthusiasm as Sebastian clapped with them and sung along with them and Kurt wondered if it was normal to feel like ripping Sebastian's pharynx and vocal chords, and stuff them in a pizza box.
Man, he was craving a thin-crusted four cheese pizza right about now.
"I see you haven't grown up a bit, Sebastian," Kurt huffed with a strict facial expression as he sat down with a little more dignity than Sebastian whom was on his knees, and clapping along with the children around him.
Chandler grinned as he hugged one of the girls which Kurt vaguely remembered was Frankie, and then turned to look at Kurt. "Kurt's just unhappy because of grown-up reasons."
The blonde Chris then piped up, 'is it because Kurt can't get a date?"
Jack rolled his eyes. "It's because Kurt can't have sex."
Kurt's eyes widened at the child's crude comment as Sebastian and Jack high-fived.
"It's because Kurt's got an ass that can compete with Jay-Lo," pitched in innocent Brie, whom was staring at Kurt with a rather shockingly adorable expression. What lies.
Kurt sighed and crossed his arm over his chest. "No, I do not have an ass that can compete with Jay-Lo, nor do I have a tendency of unable to get laid, or get a date in that prospect but it's simply for the fact that I enjoy the single life with—"
Almost as of instinct, a tabby with huge brilliant green eyes had its paws on Kurt's knee, and Kurt suddenly jumped up and stood up over the couch with dangerously fearful eyes.
"That…vermin…is not mine!" Kurt blushed a deep watermelon pink colour.
"Are you afraid of a cat, Hummel?" Sebastian looked incredibly amused by now. "Kurt is afraid of itty bitty kitty cats?" he joked around, emitting giggles from Brie and Frankie.
"No," Kurt stated, straightening himself - and his shirt up – "I'm afraid of toxoplasmosis before I get a chance to sing in Finn's wedding, which would be rather ironically the death of me. I am afraid of contracting rabies and dying in the hospital before I get a chance to see J. P. Gauliter's new line or the end of Gossip Girl Season 5. And whatever diseases that it may carry. Or diseases you may carry as the criminal chipmunk. I'm pretty sure you have a case of sexual addiction that is constituted as a disease probably as it runs in your blood. Or diseases that Chandler may carry, considering he looks suspiciously like a cat himself."
"Season 5 of Gossip Girl aired May. Blair gets—"
"Sebastian, I know you're horribly devious, but please, even you're not as devious as to spoil Gossip Girl for me." Kurt protested and Sebastian's facial expression softened.
"Me? Not as devious?" Sebastian was looking strikingly more meerkat-like. "Awe, Frankie, Chris, Jack, Brie, try to teach Hummel how to pet a cat since it is a loving, adorable creature."
Rub it in, Smythe.
The children were smirking. Holy Hell, they were all Sebastian's off-springs.
Jack pulled the tabby cat's tail, causing the cat to jump up in the air, attacking Kurt – more specifically, Kurt's face.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS! SEBASTIAN! SEBASTIAN, I WILL KILL YOU! GET IT OFF ME! MY FACE OH MY GOD MY FACE I JUST HAD A FACIAL CLEANSE ONLY THREE HOURS AGO—"
Sebastian was now clapping as he pulled out his iPhone from his pocket. "Alright. So, what do you want me to caption this?"
Kurt Hummel suddenly pulled the cat away from his bleeding face and stared at Sebastian before lunging at him.
Chandler winched as Kurt and Sebastian fought on top of each other.
"I'M GONNA WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR MEERKAT FACE AND THEN RUB SAND IN YOUR EYES UNTIL IT HURTS – OR UNTIL YOU DECIDE TO ACT LIKE A DECENT HUMAN BEING, WHICHEVER FIRST."
"HUMMEL, YOU'RE SITTING ON A VERY…VERY…INTIMATE PART OF ME…"
"WHY ARE YOU SO HARD! DID YOU GET OFF CATS RAPING MY FACE!"
"EW, EW, EW!"
Chandler was trying very hard to put his hands over the children's ears but it was obvious they were hearing everything and Jack was even cheering Sebastian on. "Mommy and Daddy are fighting now, so I…er…"
"You know what we do with people who fight?" Frankie smirked.
Jesus, these kids were starting to scare Chandler.
Frankie and Jack looked at each other before nodding. The children grabbed Kurt's and Sebastian's hands and pulled them apart, dragging them with impressive strength towards a doorway. They felt compelled to follow them as they were pushed into a room. Kurt could feel his body hit Sebastian's as the mass of evil children locked the closet.
"AND DON'T GET OUT OF THE NAUGHTY CLOSET UNTIL YOU MAKE UP."
Kurt did not think that it was appropriate to be pressed up against Sebastian Smythe, whose hands were on his hips. They could not move. There was no space to move. Kurt had finally felt a male body pressed up against his after months of being apart from Blaine, and it had to be Sebastian Smythe of all fucking people. His luck just kept on getting better and better.
"You're still hard."
"Don't orgasm, Hummel."
"Oh my God. Sebastian Smythe's erection is pressing against my thigh. Can you think of unsexy things?"
"No, I just like seeing you squeal."
They tried to move around but seemingly could not get anywhere. Kurt could feel Sebastian practically sweating from the heat of the room and wrinkled his nose.
"Speaking of perspiration, why does Chandler wear a beanie and a thick blazer in the summer heat? How is his brain still intact in his head and how come he doesn't smell like my stepbrother when he's just finished football practice? How come he can still function in this heat?"
"Chandler is inhuman if you haven't noticed."
"Yes, I'm Tony Stark."
"Pfft. You are no Robert Downey Jr."
"I am so Robert Downey Jr, they burned his ID when they found out that Sebastian Smythe existed."
"Hummel? Are you hard now too?"
"I'm gay! I have a gay hard man pressed up against me! What do you think?" Kurt then felt something touch him and then gasped out.
"Sebastian, are you cupping my erection through my pants?"
"Well, out of curiosity, I want to know how long you are."
"Hummel, we're in the naughty closet. We have to do naughty things."
"Oh yeah, because that's the only logical explanation…Ohhh…Sebastian, wait, are you jerking me off?"
"Why? Do you want to return the favour?"
"Let go of my cock."
"Oh my Goodness! Hummel, you actually said the word cock. Congratulations."
"You bring out the vulgar in me."
"How romantic. Are you sure this isn't too fast forward for a first date?"
"Firstly, we are not on a date. Secondly, take your hand out of my pants. Thirdly, Sebastian, what if they leave us here and we starve to death? Has it ever occurred to you that they might leave us here to…until one of us cracks and we end up telling each other insane bedtime stories?"
"Stories about what? How Blaine left you after you decided to choke on broccoli like the boss you are?"
"That is not what happened! And…Sebastian, I can already feel the hunger coming on."
"It's been eleven minutes."
"Oh God. Now, take your hands off my pants."
"Enjoy having no hand job."
"I am enjoying it."
"Enjoy being sexless."
"In the process of enjoying such a feat—didn't I tell you to take your hand out of my pants?"
"Hummel. I'm not touching you."
"OH MY GOD IT'S GOT LEGS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE GET ME OUT OF HERE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD."
Chandler winced when he heard Kurt shriek. "Sounds like a slasher movie in there," Chandler tentatively said. "I'll go release them."
"Okay. We have another punishment in mind," Brie this time was rubbing her hands, as Chandler opened the door, causing Kurt and Sebastian to bolt out of the doorway, holding each other as they fell. Sebastian on top of Kurt, as they panted.
Chandler leaned down to see the source of disruption.
Kurt suddenly felt something hitting him in the face only to realise that Chandler had thrown him the source of his yelling – the blusher he kept in his pocket, which had decided to brush against his hipbone when they were in the closet.
Kurt blushed deeply. Sebastian stared at him incredulously. They both burst into laughter. Sebastian's eyes then hardened. "Run. Now."
"Not so fast," Jack suddenly called out.
"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Kurt called out, causing Jack to roll his eyes.
"Duh. We need a bedtime story."
"You don't need a—"Kurt then shrunk at the small children's glares as he nodded his head slowly. "Okay! Bedtime stories."
"I blame you for this." Kurt snorted. "You made them watch Bedtime Stories before this."
"So, now, whatever we say they think it's going to come true?"
"Probably." Kurt snapped back at him coldly, as the entered the children's death-trap – Kurt meant room, yes, room, - and watched them all descend to the huge King-sized bed that could hold all four of them as Kurt grinned at Sebastian and then Sebastian sat down.
"So," Sebastian began. "I am going to tell you the story of a boy named Kurt Hummel. One day, he was walking…"
They were waiting for Kurt to walk as prior to the movie, and Kurt finally did walk.
"…and picked up his Chanel bag."
Kurt walked over to the bag that was now being held by Chandler and picked it up from his hands.
"He had just gotten out of the mental asylum," Sebastian emphasised on the words. "And decided to cut his Chanel bag to pieces."
"What?" Kurt's eyes widened, but then he grinned over at the children as Chandler winced and had given him a knife. Kurt had picked up his knife. "I am so sorry, baby." He whispered to his bag as he slashed the authentic insides with a knife.
"He threw the contents on the floor because he was crazy."
Kurt shook his head at him and Sebastian nodded firmly, as Kurt had allowed the contents to fall – his make-up bag, many gay pornography magazines, the keys to his car, his wallet and his credit card.
"He took his credit card."
Kurt leaned down to take it.
"And then snapped it in half."
Kurt then tried to fold the credit card over, but it wouldn't budge. Sebastian suddenly grabbed the card from him and tried to. Chandler rolled his eyes, picked off the credit card from them and with impressive upper body strength, had snapped the card in half.
"My heart," Kurt called out.
"Now, Kurt, his boyfriend dumped him – awe," he said with fake sadness. "So he decided to walk towards his friend Sebastian."
Kurt sighed and was just about to walk before Sebastian put a hand in the air. "Actually, hop."
"Excuse me?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "I think you're mistaken about whose the hobbit—"
"Hop." Sebastian repeated as Kurt hopped towards Sebastian, but then lost balance at the final hop, causing him to crash into Sebastian's body.
"Then he started to praise Sebastian, as if he was a Greek God."
"What?" Kurt raised an eyebrow before he then smiled at the children. "Oh, great Sebastian, I am at a loss for my boyfriend just dumped—"
"—your miserable ass?"
Kurt bit back a comment. "Yes," he said after a while. "So I seek to your help for a solution, and ask with you much…disgust for so. I have many questions that I need answered."
Kurt shrugged. "Such as why do I have a craving for thin-crust pizza."
"Because you are human," Sebastian answered back immediately. "Pizza is a sign of humanity."
Kurt rolled his eyes at this and Sebastian just smirked back at him. Sebastian suddenly turned to the children. "Behold, humanity!"
Kurt stood up. "That's it! My story now!"
"No!" Jack interjected. "We have to tell a story now and if we're right, it's gonna come true." Jack elbowed Brie in the rib.
"So, Sebastian walks towards Kurt."
Sebastian walked towards the Hummel-boy glaring at them.
"And they start fighting."
Sebastian smirked as Kurt tried to punch him but Sebastian put a hand on Kurt's wrist and smirked back at him whilst Frankie continued.
"And then they realised it was stupid. 'Cause they were being naughty."
Sebastian nodded, whistling. "So they made up," Brie added on with a grin.
"I am not—"Kurt then felt Sebastian grab onto Kurt's shoulders and kiss him harshly. Kurt kissed back, wrapping his arms around Sebastian as the taller boy's hand dropped towards Kurt's hips.
"Wow." Chandler said. "What a story."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "I knew they were having sex in that closet."
"I really hope Sebastian's the one that has the kids," Brie huffed. "Kurt isn't good with them at all."
Sebastian pulled away and looked at Kurt's glittering eyes. Kurt, dazed, was pulled by Sebastian out of the room. Chandler raised his eyebrow. "Where are you going?"
"We have unfinished stories left in that naughty closet! We were naughty, Chandler!"
"Alright. Just…" Chandler tried to find the appropriate words as he followed them, watching them shut the closet door behind them. "Get out of the closet before their parents come home! That would not be a fun story to—Sebastian? Kurt?"
With the unzipping he heard, Chandler gasped out. "Guys. Seriously."
"Get away, Chandler. You're not in the story."
Chandler rolled his eyes. "Out of the closet. Before they come back home."
"We're already out of the closet, Chandler. We're both gay."
Did Kurt just giggle?
Just before Chandler left, he heard Sebastian sing and didn't think he can be anymore disturbed in his life.
"Kurt, Kurt, Kurt, this is gonna hurt, hurt, hurt."