Chapter 1: Rebirth
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or anything else that I may make reference to throughout this story.
You're traveling through another dimension; a dimension not only of Death Note characters and reading but of stupidity; a journey into a juvenile land whose boundaries are that of a FanFiction. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Spoofing Zone!
It was a boring day at whatever school Light goes to. The teacher droned on about some boring subject that really didn't seem to matter much to the boy with long brown hair.
He drowned out the teacher's dull voice with the much more ear pleasing vocals of Maximum The Hormone on his IPod as he practiced writing a single name over and over again on a piece of line paper.
'No, that's not right; the name needs more glamour. I know I'll add a star to the end of it!'
'No still not quite… I'll try underlining it."
'Now that looks…' The boy, also known as Light Yagami's thoughts were immediately put to a stop when he felt someone tapping on his back. The boy slid his chair around to see his teacher standing behind him.
The teacher had a stern look on his face as he adjusted his glasses and said, "Mr. Yagami, what are you doing that is so important that you won't even pay attention?"
Light smiled a wide toothy smile, "I was hoping you'd ask! I was actually just practicing for my future career!"
"Ok sir, hear me out! This will blow your mind! I want to be the very first professional earth worm… with vacation time!" Light announced catching the teacher by surprise.
"You want to be a what? Is this some new sort of hipster thing?"
"No sir, just hear me out! I've been practicing really hard!" Light motioned for the teacher to move away.
Then Light leapt out of his chair, found an area on the floor free from people and just began squirming inch by inch.
"See teach… Aren't I… great?" Light asked through squirms.
The teacher sighed, "Ok, I get that, but what's with the whole signing your name thing?"
"Oh that!" Light got off of the floor and held his paper up to show the class, "Well if I'm going to become the first professional earth worm with vacation time I figure a lot of people will want my autograph so I need to be really good at that too!"
"Oh I see…" The teacher said. He didn't really seem very pleased by Light's announcement. The man absentmindedly tapped his chin. He seemed to be debating whether to say something or simply bite his tongue. Finally he added, "Light, normally I'd say you're a fool for trying this… But that red tie you often wear really makes you look smart, so I say go for it! Class, I hope you can all support Mr. Yagami on his dream to become a professional earthworm!"
"With vacation time," Light added.
Light didn't take the bus home from school. Instead he took the long way home by worming across the paved roads of Kanto that were on the way to his house.
Many drivers were annoyed by Light's worming. At first they'd drive behind him and honk their horns and try to make him stand up and walk normally. But by now, they just knew to stay out of Light's way.
It was around that time that he noticed something on the ground. It was a little black book. Light picked it up and read the title out loud.
"Death Note… wasn't that the title of some anime?" Then he sighed, "It's a shame I don't speak English or else I'd totally know what 'Death Note' meant."
Then an interesting thought crossed the boy's mind. He needed a note book for practicing drawing out his autographs. Maybe he could use this book as his autograph book! (And this is the part in the chapter when just about anyone who has seen Death Note knows where this "brilliant" idea is going to go)
As soon as Light arrived home from a six hour squirm he sat down on his bed to take a closer look at his book. Although he wanted to, some reason part of him refused to put it down.
He flipped through the pages and read the rules out loud, "The human whose name is written in this note shall die. This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected. If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack. After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds."
He paused to take a breather. That was the most reading he'd done in a while. He wondered if earth worms had to read this much. Somehow he didn't think so. Light took some more time to reflect over his newfound knowledge before coming to one of his more intelligent conclusions.
"I think this book kills people!" Light stated, without even trying to hide his fear. As he said that, he heard the sound of hands slowly clapping coming from beside him.
"Bravo," A voice called out sarcastically, "You've figured out the mystery of the Death Note."
Light turned his head to see one of the scariest things he'd ever seen standing beside him.
"Ahh, it's an Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!" Light yelled, as he jumped out of his bed and pointed a finger at the said creature, "Stay back, I have a ton of Orca whale groupies with problems far more emotional than yours!"
The man rolled his eyes, "Technically I'm a Shinigami. I mean sheesh man, at least be politically correct!"
Light shook his head, "No, you're an Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!"
"No, I'm a Shinigami, you know, like those guys in Bleach!"
"Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!"
"At least call me Ryuk."
"Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!"
"What's wrong with you? You sound like a broken record…" Ryuk said with a sigh, "Look, call me what you want. I was just going to explain to you how to use the Death Note…"
"Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!"
"Will you shut up? Look, you don't want to make a Shinigami mad!"
"Emo Shark – Rockstar thing!"
After a while of pointless arguing, Ryuk and Light finally agreed to disagree and they moved onto a different topic entirely.
"So with you being… what you are, you must have had some say in who got the Death Note. So why did you pick me?" Light asked.
"No Light, I don't choose the Death Notes owner. The Death Note chose you." Ryuk explained.
"Wow that sounds really deep!"
Ryuk laughed and then patted Light on the back, "Nah, I'm just messin' with ya! I picked you 'cuz you look smart!"
"Yeah, I think it's that tie you're wearing. The fact that you know how to tie a tie says a lot about your character! Did you know only sixty-seven percent of the world knows how to tie one? The fact that you're among that sixty-seven amazes me!"
Light smiled and proudly stated, "Thanks, it's a clip on!"
"So... you... can't tie a tie?" Ryuk asked, part of him wishing it were possible to take back what he just heard.
"No, can you teach me?" Light asked, looking up to Ryuk with puppy dog eyes.
Ryuk sighed, "No, I can't tie one either... My hands are too big..."
Light and Ryuk spent more of the afternoon talking about a number of things that aren't exactly story worthy or are just too stupid to bother mentioning.
Light told Ryuk about his dream to become a professional earthworm with vacation time, and Ryuk told Light he wanted to try every kind of apple. Both boys wanted to meet someone who could actually tie a tie.
It was around that time that Light did something with Ryuk that he wanted to do from the moment he laid eyes on him. He challenged Ryuk to a staring contest.
Light made himself comfortable on the bed and Ryuk grabbed a nearby chair. The two faced each other and stared.
Don't blink... Mustn't blink...
It was an awkward seven seconds as Light noticed that he could see his whole face clearly reflected in Ryuk's right eye alone.
Light began to wonder, do Shinigami blink at all? He imagined the satisfactory that came with winning. He would be the first human to singlehandedly beat a God of Death... even if it was only in a silly kids' game.
Ryuk looked into Light's eyes with a sort of hunger in his expression, but unlike Light's thirst for winning, Ryuk craved something else. As he looked at Light he pictured Light's head becoming a nice juicy red apple.
It took Ryuk a while to even notice when Light jumped up off his bed and pointed his finger accusingly at the Shinigami.
"YOU BLINKED, I SAW YOU!"
Snapping back to reality, Ryuk nodded, "Yup, you beat me..."
It was around that moment that Light's bedroom was flooded with the incredible musical talent of Weird Al Yankovic's song Polka Face.
The sound was coming from outside of Light's bedroom, but it was so loud that it could clearly be heard throughout the house.
"What is that?" Ryuk asked.
Light buried his face in his hands, "My mom is obsessed with Weird Al, but she only blasts his music this loudly when she's making dinner..." Suddenly Light's expression became much more alert and he added, "You need to get out of here! Any moment my dad will barge into my room and if he sees you..." Light cut himself off not wanting to say anymore.
"And if he sees me..." Ryuk prompted hoping for the boy to go on.
Light shuddered before replying, "If he sees you he might... he might... want to invite you to stay over for dinner!"
Ryuk laughed, "That doesn't sound that bad."
"Believe me it is!" Light persuaded, "My mom is always making really cheesy jokes that only she understands, my dad always talks in slang and tries to 'get down with his boy'. I mean who talks like that?"
"Wow that does sound bad!" Ryuk said.
"That's not even the worst part! My sister Sayu is always trying to get involved in my love life! Even if I don't have a girl over she'll start interrogating my friends and push them into revealing whatever they know! I mean I don't even have time to think about dating right now! I must become an earth worm first!"
"Yo werd up Light, dinner iz ready! Come downstairs ta git it!" Light's dad called from the kitchen.
Light and Ryuk could clearly hear his parent's conversation, "What did the cannibal order for take-out?" Light's mom asked her husband.
"What did da cannibal order fo' take-out? Ah don' know, what? Word, this joke is wack!" Light's dad replied.
"Pizza with everyone on it," She explained and the two broke down into laughter at the bad joke.
"See what I mean?" Light asked and Ryuk nodded.
"Don't worry though, only you can see me because you own the Death Note." Ryuk explained.
"Oh, that's good then." Light replied with a satisfactory smile.
Then the two heard someone else calling. It was Sayu's voice this time, "Light, who are you talking to? Do you have a girl in the house with you? Do you have a girlfriend?" Sayu called.
"No it's just me!" Light called back.
Sayu swung open the door and much to her disappointment it really did look like Light was alone. She didn't even see Ryuk making funny faces at her as she walked away.
Dinner had passed and now Light sat on his chair, his brown eyes staring right onto a random page of the alleged Death Note. The look on his face was much like a writer wanting to jot something down, but the words were not coming.
"Are you going to write something or not?" Ryuk asked. He was lying on Light's bed looking as bored as ever.
"Yeah… I'm just not sure… Who should I kill? There isn't really anyone I hate… but criminals… I really hate criminals!"
"Just pick someone at random. You can't go wrong."
Light smiled and began to raise his pen to write, "Goodbye L Lawliet!"
"NO!" Ryuk called out, instantly stopping Light from writing the name, "You can't kill L! He's amazing! What would the fangirls think? Besides, he's very important to the plot of this series!"
Light sighed in frustration, "Then who do you recommend I kill?"
"Look, why don't you just kill off criminals? You can't go wrong with that."
Light thought for a moment. He thought about an earth worm. What would the earth worm do? Somehow the earth worm reminded him of Superman. So he asked himself, what would superman do?
Light was sure that if Superman had a Death Note he would use it to kill bad guys in a heartbeat.
"I'll do it!" Light stated triumphantly.
Ryuk clapped his hands, "Awesome!"
Light happily held up the book. Now he had a new passion other than earth worming. He was going to kill criminals and become God of the new world!
Ryuk stood up and plucked the book from Light's hands, "There's just one thing I need you to do to make you an official owner of the Death Note."
"What's that?" Light asked.
Ryuk held the book open to a page that Light hadn't noticed before. The page had the words 'This book belongs to' and then there was a line to put your name.
Ryuk handed Light the book and a pen, "Just sign here and the Death Note is yours to keep."
Light took the pen to quickly scribble down his name.
"Don't forget to sign with your full first and last name." Ryuk warned, "If you don't then the ownership won't be official!"
"Ok, I signed it; now what?"
"Just wait." Ryuk said. He seemed to be trying hard to keep from bursting out in laughter.
Light found that odd, but he ignored it and waited. Then twenty seconds later Light landed on the table. He was dead.
Some reason Ryuk was laughing hysterically at this sight, "They always fall for that! He's such a moron!" When Ryuk's laughter calmed down he sighed, "Well… I better revive him before the next chapter… What a pain..."
-phantom130 5 (July 2012)