Oh, dear readers, I fear greatly for mine reputation as a gentleman of culture and sophistication! I have become embroiled in the pastimes of the barbarians, these interactive dramas known as video games! Recently, I have partaken of a video game entitled 'Half-Life 2', and following many hours of slaying undead abominations and – as the youths populating the communal aspect of the video game do so eloquently proclaim – pwning noobs, I found myself in need of a fountain pen, for I was once again filled with a desire to enliven the world of literature with a fan fiction!
Tell me, readers, dost thou think I should enlighten my compatriot, William Shakespeare, also known as Billy, my dawg, my fellow slayer of da pussy, of the existence of these captivating video games? Dost thou think he would liketh them? Ah, but that is by the way... I must know what thou thinkest of mine latest submission!
Half-Life: The Entirety of Thine Lifetime After-Effects
By Lord von Ticklebottom III, Esq.
John Freeman, who was verily the brother of Gordon Freeman, the theoretical physicist of immense repute and skill with tools of labour, was one day in the establishment of his employment, writing diligently upon a futuristic contraption known as a computer. He did receive a missive upon this miraculous device which brought him much shock, originating from Gordon Freeman, who declared that his location was under siege by a multitude of extra-terrestrial creatures and monstrous beasts. Gordon Freeman requested emphatically the assistance of his brother, and thus John Freeman was compelled to immediately vacate the establishment of his employment.
John Freeman deactivated his computer and ventured to yonder elevator, another incredible contraption of future times, which was capable of transporting persons within it in either an upward or downward direction, such as for convenience's sake, or when a person is of too great a corpulence to embark upon the stairs. The elevator did transport John to the roof of the establishment, whereupon he had deposited his motorcycle, yet another astounding device of the future, which was not unlike a mechanical horse. Also upon the roof of the establishment was the armoire wherein John Freeman had deposited his everyday attire, which he was in need of, for he yet remained clothed in his white laboratory coat.
John Freeman embarked upon his motorcycle and proclaimed, "The day has come wherein I shalt bring honour and good repute to the ancestral name of mine and confront the entirety of mine lifetime after-effects!" Having spoken thus, John Freeman did depart.
John Freeman performed a spectacular motion upon his motorcycle wherein he steered with great velocity towards an inclined structure and was thus carried majestically aloft, upwards into the air. Whilst held in the embrace of the heavens, John performed a reverse somersaulting motion, before landing upon the ground, filled with satisfaction at this incredible feat he had enacted. While driving upon the road, John did make certain that he kept a vigilant eye upon his surroundings, afeared of the vast hordes of undead abominations which might at any moment beset him, for he lacked armaments with which to combat them.
Were the circumstances of this day not of so frightful and dire a nature, John Freeman might have paused to admire the splendid countryside, for it was bedecked in a strange flora that did fill the air with all manner of pleasant song. John Freeman was much enchanted of these most curious of musical plants, for what manner of flower is capable of producing such sound? The time of day at which John's odyssey took place was the hour of dusk, when the sun had almost met the horizon with its most gentle embrace and the evening birds did take wing. The coming of the darkness was of a mood most apropos for the courageous endeavour of John Freeman to deliver aid to his beleaguered brother. Filled with inspiration borne of this comely landscape, John Freeman proclaimed, "Verily, 'tis a marvellous day to enact that which I must enact, to provide assistance for mine brother on his most noble of quests to vanquish the adversaries which beset him!"
John Freeman was astounded by the sudden realization that he was tardy and applied pressure therefore to the accelerator of his motorcycle, thereby increasing its velocity. Unbeknownst to the valiant John, the vehicle of an officer of law enforcement was concealed in a nearby thicket of conifers, and the officer therein was intent upon presenting Freeman with a ticket, a form of official reprimand administered when one operating a motorized vehicle has applied an excess of velocity, such that infracts upon the established regulations of the road. Freeman, however, being a gentleman sharp of eye and quick of wit, did notice that the officer appeared beset by a most peculiar form of extra-terrestrial parasite known colloquially as a headcrab, which would most sufficiently be described as a crustacean which appends itself to a gentleman's cranium, that it might wrest control of the gentleman's brain away from him.
Thus was John Freeman's reticence of a sympathetic nature when he proclaimed, "I offer my condolences, Officer, but I am afraid I must withhold the license administered as proof of my vehicular aptitude."
"Why, pray tell, hast thou seen fit to withhold thine license?" The officer beset of headcrabs did ask in response.
"Because, Officer, it appears that thou art possessed of headcrabs in a manner most similar to an undead abomination!"
Having spoken thus, John Freeman did take hold of his pistol and fired upon the head of the police officer, for he had nary a moment to dally. He thought, "Mine brother hath found himself in troublesome circumstances yonder!" John Freeman further increased the velocity of his motorcycle, with the intent that he would arrive at his destination at a sooner time.
John Freeman realized that the velocity of his motorcycle was woefully inadequate and that he must match the velocity of sound itself, as the situation of his brother was becoming ever direr, and his presence was immediately required. Afeared that he had strayed from the correct path, John Freeman looked towards the noticeboards positioned nearby the road, which did indicate the names of nearby locales. There John Freeman set eyes upon the name of the locale known as Ravenholm, and blew softly through his nose with disgust as he noticed that the noticeboard appeared to have been vandalized. As John Freeman approached the noticeboard, he could distinguish the words which had thereupon been written in a hand most untidy, declaring a warning of utmost urgency: "Thou must not traverse upon the locale of Ravenholm!"
Thus was John Freeman possessed of fear and did almost rotate his motorcycle upon the road, so that he might reverse the direction in which he was travelling, when what sound should reach his ears but the screaming of a man, in a voice not unlike that of his brother, Gordon Freeman! The courage of John Freeman, which hitherto had threatened to abandon him, returned in the fullness of its strength, and he proceeded in a direction towards his brother.
John Freeman proceeded verily, and with great velocity, into the locale of Ravenholm, wherein he performed another spectacular somersaulting motion upon his motorcycle. John Freeman leapt from the seat of his motorcycle whilst aloft and impacted upon the ground in time to witness his motorcycle carve a bloody swath through the multitude of undead abominations possessed of headcrabs that were gathered before him. When John Freeman had ceased pounding his chest in a masculine and boastful manner, he proceeded on foot in the direction of Gordon Freeman, smiling with his confidence in the imminent resolution of this conflict. John Freeman did, by chance, glimpse a weapon lying upon the ground – a discovery which proved most timely, for he had encountered before a residential establishment a great many ghosts of undead abominations.
John Freeman addressed them thusly, "Spectral abominations, thou shalt immediately vacate this residence!"
The spectral abominations did protest, "Thou ruffian, this residence is in our possession!"
John Freeman was verily consumed with sympathy for these apparitions, who were so pitifully challenged of life. Clearly, they were uninformed of Ravenholm's strict regulations against the habitation of its residences by flesh-eating poltergeists, yet it did him sorrow to be compelled to evict the amiable phantoms. John Freeman chose, with heaviness in his heart, to explosively demolish the residence of the undead abominations, that they might thusly discover a restful peace.
Yet another scream reached the ears of John Freeman, which prompted him again to proceed with immense rapidity towards the location of Gordon Freeman. As John Freeman proceeded to the rescue of his brother, he looked about at his surroundings, and noticed with horror an inversion of the pleasant countryside he had journeyed through earlier. Where earlier there were birds, there were here none; the trousers of indeterminate ownership were deceased; and the soil was much disturbed and laden with blood.
When John Freeman at last reached the point from the screaming emanated, he discovered his brother, Gordon Freeman, engaged in a savage duel with the ultimate employer. Gordon Freeman, having noticed the arrival of his brother, proclaimed to him, "John Freeman! Over yonder!" John Freeman was pleased to heed the pleas of his brother, and proceeded to where the violent battle was taking place. John Freeman did fire, with much haste, a great many rounds from his weapon, and his aim was true, for the rounds struck the ultimate employer in his eyes, relieving him of the ability to perceive his surroundings.
Gordon Freeman, believing himself to be the imminent victor, proclaimed, "This battle must at last be drawn to a conclusion!" Thus Gordon fisticuffed the ultimately employer upon his visage, and the ultimate employer was felled with a thunderous crash. John Freeman jovially proclaimed to his brother, "It is my pleasure to have been of assistance during your battle!" In response, Gordon Freeman did ejaculate with much jocularity, "'Tis true, mine brother, thou wast of much assistance, and I am grateful to thee; but, perchance, would it inconvenience thee to arrive upon the scene of combat at a much sooner time?" This jest did cause the pair of brothers to guffaw vivaciously.
The merriment was quick to cease, however, and John Freeman exclaimed loudly, "Brother, thou must quickly cast thine gaze yonder!" John Freeman indicated with a finger to the apex of the heavens, to which Gordon Freeman looked, and shouted, "NAY! John Freeman, thou must immediately vacate this vicinity with as much rapidity as thou canst muster!" John Freeman hastened to depart the site of battle, and when he had reached a generous distance, he rotated in a manner that enabled him to look upon the site of his recent combat. Thus did John Freeman see Gordon become crushed underfoot of the next employer, and this caused him much anger and fury.
"I will enact my vengeance upon thee, malevolent employer!" John Freeman shouted with great volume, so that the entirety of his lung capacity was consumed in the action.
~ THOU SHALT AWAIT THE FORTHCOMING INSTALLMENT OF THIS NARRATIVE ~
And now, reader, I submit to thee a question, that thine enjoyment of this document might thereby be enhanced: By whom were the mysterious deceased trousers in the locale of Ravenholm possessed, and under what circumstances could these trousers have become parted from their owner? Was the owner of the trousers himself deceased, or was perhaps there an altogether different procession of events which led to the trousers becoming deceased, while their owner yet lived? As thou struggleth with this paradox, I am content in the knowledge that the enigmatic depths of mine narrative are sure to never be comprehended!
Faithfully thine in the production of quality literature,
Lord von Ticklebottom