Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon
Author's note: Ok, so I guess, that does not make a lot of sense, but that's what I feel right now.
Dedicated to the one I love...
How do you know you are in love? Is it because of the thundering heart or blush that does not hesitate a second to come up to your cheeks? Do you know for sure you are in love when you come back home from a date, sit on your bed and just inhale the remaining scent of his cologne and smile? Or is holding his hand and realizing that is all you need for being happy is good enough sign for that?
You know, I had bounced throughout my life cheerfully, happy-go-lucky mode always on. It had always been quite easy for me to get on with people. But, honestly, I was afraid to let someone in. I was never alone. But I always had been lonely, until I met girls and then him.
He was not exactly the knight in shining armor... Not always. And he by far was not the man of my dreams, at first that is. But I never regretted accepting him, loving and forgiving him. Even those moments, when I was in pain and devastated, deserted and almost broken did not change a thing. That was making me only stronger, willing to improve, though that's where it gets ironic.
You see, he often says that my love makes him a better person. I used to laugh at that: could you imagine him being even MORE perfect? But as time passed by I slowly came to realization that I knew what he meant. Now as I start thinking about all the times I had seen him on his own, I notice all those little hints here and there pointing out that he was doing everything in his power to assist his alter-ego in self-destruction. And that is not the fight that we can win just being there for each other.
Have you ever thought that when the man you love says that you are the sun making his life brighter and full of emotions he actually means it? Because now, as I watch my prince shudder in his sleep, I feel that may be not just beautiful words to impress. I actually had the power to wake the desire to develop within him, to be able to trust people, let them in.
He is clearly in pain now, the line between his eyebrows deeper than ever. I just take his hand in mine, kissing the knuckles gently.
I can feel his mind and soul being taken over by a more powerful, darker alter-ego. The night is painfully important, because if he looses it tonight, the complicated mechanism of devastation will start working next morning. Next thing I know the man I love will disappear in the black fog of his fears.
He says I am an angel, rescurer sent to save him from himself, making him a better person. But I am by far the worst disappointment in his life as I feel myself useless, however deep down I know I can help him change. And I am doing everything I can to be half the person he thinks I am.
He calms down a little and that's the first time in the night I really look at him. The warmth of affection takes control of me and I can't fight back the desire to caress his cheekbone and the lips. Usually he looks so peaceful in his sleep, but now he is nothing but troubled. I kiss him on the lips lightly, fighting back the tears, silently praying for him.
He is the only man I loved. I love. I do not have the opportunity to really worship this magnificent gift and make it the centre of my universe, I can't. I need to take care of the others first. Only then can I actually pay attention to my personal life.
He tenses up all over again and that's when I loose it. I hug him and whisper how much I love him. I do that every night. But he doesn't listen to me. He can't hear me. But nevertheless I keep speaking, hoping that at least he'd feel me.
- I love you. I know how little that matters to you now especially as you are out there, fighting your worst enemy on your own. But I am here. I come here every single night and dream of you waking up to my words or caress. That one night you'll see me. Hear me. Understand me. Forgive me for letting you down. I grow stronger every day. Because I love you. I train and study, I am honestly trying to be the right girl for you. I am doing all that for myself too. It is ironic how the girl you used to believe would save you, actually almost got you killed. But I promise that will never happen again. I will become better, stronger - perfect. And I am only willing to do that for you. Please, come back to me. Please, let me make you happy. I love you so much…. The truth is... you are my Angel.
The first rays touch my forehead - that was the time I knew I should leave. I look at him one last time. A single tear escaping my eye and rolling down to his neck. I kiss him and stand up from the bed. Leaving - among the mail I had gotten on my way here - I notice the newspaper with an enormous headline: "Sailor Moon fails to save her lover from a dreadful demon attack!" - I snap it from the table and get rid of it as fast as possible. I want to return to the bed and hold him in my arms again not caring about the rest of the world, but the communicator starts beeping and I leave my life and the stinging desire to be with him behind, not looking once at the one I truly cared about.