"How easy would it be to just... end everything."
"Kou, do you need any help?"
Youichi's shaggy head appeared from behind the doorway of his room. He desperately needed a haircut before the school year began (it was far too inappropriate for a teacher).
"No, I'm fine." Kou replied curtly, pushing an unpacked box to the wall adjacent to his bedroom window.
"Are you sure? Seems like you still have a lot to go through," Youichi commented.
Oh for fuck's sake, just leave me alone, Kou wanted to yell. Instead, he forced a smile and said "I'm fine, it won't take too long." He just wanted his brother to leave so he could try what had been plaguing his mind for the past month.
"Alright then, bro. I'll be right downstairs if you need anything."
Kou waited for his brother's footsteps to cease, and closed the door behind him. He grabbed a box cutter from his bedside table and slid the blade from its holder. He studied it, twirling it around with his thin fingers.
He wondered how it'd feel if he pressed it against the frail skin on his wrists. Or perhaps against the side of his neck, against that prominent vein that throbbed with every heartbeat.
How easy would it be to just... end everything. Just one slight movement with this blade.
For the sixth time that day, he thought of his mother. How determined she seemed when she first found out about her diagnosis. How she fought for her life. And how, after all that fighting, she simply resigned after she thought it was too late for anything else to be done. How she died quietly, acceptingly, as if her will to survive hadn't existed at all. It had been six weeks since her passing, and her death had left a gaping hole in his heart.
Perhaps, if he ended his life now, he could go to where his mother went. Besides, he was only fifteen, wasn't he? He hadn't lived long enough to be given the chance to commit any mortal sins. He'd been a good boy all his life, lived to make the people around him happy, lived to love.
But now... what was the point? Just what was the point?
He'd been given one duty and one duty alone. To protect his mother. To make her happy. And he failed.
He allowed the cool, slightly rusty edge of the blade to dance across the skin of his arm for a moment. Three minuscule droplets of blood broke through the membrane and he winced slightly at the sudden pinch of pain.
Kou smirked. Nah, it'll take too much effort, wouldn't it? He didn't want to place a burden on anybody anymore. It simply wasn't worth it.
He cleaned the blade with the sleeve of his shirt and redirected it to the cellophane tape sealing the box closest to him, proceeding to cut it open.
Later, his brother would ask "Why is there blood on your sleeve, Kou?". Kou would reply "I accidentally nicked a scab, don't worry about me."
He would see Kou gripping the edge of his sleeve of his right arm as he walked away, as if he were hiding something. And in turn, Youichi would find himself thinking, how could I possibly not worry about you?
A/N: Hi there, thanks for joining me in my new drabble series, whatever you want to call it. I have a rather depressing headcanon that Kou entertained suicidal thoughts for a period of time after the death of his mother, considering that he put his all into studying for her sake, and once she died, his purpose in life died along with her.
Edit - yes, I do understand the moral implications of suicide (that it is a mortal sin in itself) - but that doesn't necessarily mean that Kou himself knows or believes in it, I suppose.