Home almost never seemed so amazing sleeping in our own bed. But something is different.
"Haymitch" I say softly one early morning he wakes up early now. Ever since I ran off he was lightly running his hand across my six and a half month pregnant stomach.
"What are we going to do about a nursery?" I ask. I had been thinking about it a lot since we got back from the Capitol. It was an honest question.
"I don't know" He replied.
"I want to paint it purple" I say chuckling lightly.
"Alright what if it's a boy?"
"Purple can go for both" I laugh at him.
"Darker purple then?"
"Sure" I smile "Let's go make a nursery" I stand up and get fresh clothes on before we make our way to the store.
We picked out a dark purple that Haymitch thought was appropriate for a boy or a girl. He decided to go home and get a head start on the painting and moving furniture. I made my way over to the furniture store where I shopped for a dresser and crib.
I'm not sure I like baby shopping it makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like everyone's judging me which they always are anyway and it really shouldn't matter.
I don't like how awkward I feel doing this I begin to talk to Lorrain.
"Oh Noelle!" She comes out from a back room "There was something sent to you from the Capitol." My heart sinks to my stomach.
"I don't want it" I say without thinking.
" I don't think you have a choice," She sighs, "It's a crib and a changing table."
"Sell it to someone else" I say calmly.
"I can't their sending to your house."
" Do you have matches?"
"No you're not burning it" She laughs. "What else do you need?" I tell her pay her and I head out through town. I go to the seam, I pass by Laurel and Ralph's home. I pass all the shacks unfortunate people call homes.
I find myself in front the electric fence. Maybe I'm over reacting but I don't want my child to be subject to the Capitols tyranny. I don't want her to sleep in a crib that Snow has given me. I don't want her to know how horrifying sick and twisted this world is.
I want to protect her with all that I have but I'm not allowed. I never have been allowed even if I hadn't been in the games even if I didn't live in the districts she would still be a killer she would still live in hell.
This is what pushes me to tears, the fact that no matter what I do or try she won't have a bright future, no matter what she will know that this world is horrid and that in this hell we call life you will never be free.
I crumble to my knees my heart broken, my soul torn to shreds. My hands lay over my little girl she won't be safe when she is born, she will never be safe. No one in this world is safe, not little Katniss and her little brother or sister, not my father, not Laurel, not Ralph, not my baby.
I practical pry myself off the ground and I have to force myself to walk away. Maybe if we lived in a perfect world one where we wouldn't have to be afraid of every move we make.
Maybe in a world where freedom was law and death was terrifying because the world was so wonderful. Maybe in a world where life was full of choices and free of fear. Maybe then I would feel overwhelming joy for the upcoming birth of my child instead of overwhelming dread and fear.
Maybe but that's not the case, I have to live here and I have to want death over life. I have to be afraid of every muscle I move and every word I breathe. I have no choices and this world is certainly not wonderful.
I keep losing sight of the real world, I keep not seeing what I need and want to see. I need and want to see the real world but I keep imagining a free world. A world where no one is hurt where my baby girl is safe.
I feel myself trudge into my house. The images grow strong I see a little girl with a jumper and pigtails running though the grass. But I feel something cold and hard against my face and body. But there she is I swear when she turns around her green eyes and blushing face smile wider.
I hear screams I swear I do but I know they aren't from her. She runs to me and dances around me showing me flowers and her broad smile. The sun must have risen because it's warm now. She throws herself into my arms and buries her face in my breast.
But then the screams I thought I heard grow silent. I don't know where they came from and I don't know if I should care.
This little girl jumps from my arms to dance again and suddenly hums a tune unknown to me. Her pigtails frame her heart shaped face and her skin glows with a childish whimsy.
Now she can speak, "Mommy!" She squeals taking my hands.
"Hi princess" I whisper, something feels right about this. The grassy hills just suddenly appeared, beds of flowers seem endless in this place.
"Mommy! Look" She sits in my lap and points off into the distance. I swear as I looked out half the flowers rose from the ground filling the air with beauty and color. "Butterflies!" She squeals with delight.
I kiss her cheek and see the butterflies make images of all things. "Come on mommy!" She drags me to the colorful dance in the sky. There she has me lift her high above my head and toss her into the sky. She falls back into my arms and requests me to spin her.
So I do, I twirl her and she giggles as only children can. Her laugh and smile are intoxicating, I know that this is my little girl my reason to live.
My little girl will end up being this happy and this loved if it kills me. My little girl will know love, she will know truth, justice, but most of all she will know hope. She will know what it mean to have a home and to have a family. She will Damn it, she will.
I fixed my comupter! Well okay my brother did but that's not the point I saved all my files and now I'm back! So guess what three more chapters to go till the end! And just because I love you I have another story posted tomorrow it's supper cool in my opinion. I won't tell you what it's about but it will be called dark fire! Kay loves thanks for bearin with me and I'll see you next week or tomorrow!