Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors
Chapter 89 – Hanataro Yamada
A/N: Sorry, we interrupt the Vizard series with a special character announcement... with thanks to those of you who requested Hanataro (*cough*A. Eelif*cough*).
(Originally posted 1/10/14.)
Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,
Ah, excuse me. I- I know it's not my turn to write a letter, since I'm definitely not one of the Vizards, and I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm complaining. I don't want to offend any of you. I'm actually grateful that some of you have written stories about me. In general, the fourth division doesn't feature in many fanfics except as background characters healing the main stars. And that's fine.
I mean, it's better than cleaning the sewers, haha.
(Quickly) Not that I'm complaining about cleaning the sewers, mind you!
But it's a little scary that so many of the stories you write about me have me paired with Zaraki-taichou. (shivers) D-d-don't you know how terrifying it is to even heal that man? M-much less to, um, you know. (blushes)
I'm sorry! I don't mean to complain! But in so many of your stories with me and Ichigo-san, Ganju-san, or Abarai-fukutaichou, or Kuchiki-taichou, or even Soi-Fon-taichou, somehow I'm always being bent over, tied up, or beaten, or, um, (whispers) even made pregnant.
Don't you stop and think how I would feel in these situations? Haven't you thought about the life-threatening injuries I would get? Doesn't that matter to you at all?
Please. Please don't – (breaks off and looks over shoulder)
Uh oh. (starts running) How did all those Squad 11 guys find out I was here writing a letter? You didn't tell them, did you…? (fades off into distance)
A/N: Poor, adorable Hanataro! I was going to wait till April 1st to post his chapter, but...
And we are fortunate today to have another omake by the extremely talented animefanxD, who has been helping me get over my writer's block. :D
Tite Kubo: *sighing in distress* Why, WHY? What am I doing wrong! It doesn´t matter what I do, I´m still at the bottom of Jump´s ranking! C´mon...number 17? What I have to do guys, kill Ichigo?!...Damn, it seems like my manga is missing something, but...WHAT?
Rukia: More Chappy, everyone loves them!
Ichigo: Shut up, Rukia! What this manga really needs are more fights!
Renji: What? No way in hell, I´m telling you, I´ve been fighting that super weird guy for three weeks and I need a rest already!
Kubo: Yeah...fights don´t seem to be working either. *deep in thought*
(Everyone remains silent)
Ichigo: Sorry, Sensei, but this manga already has everything: fights, death gods, swords, magic, blood... urghh… and...fights and...and wasn´t that everything that makes a manga popular?
Urahara: *waves fan* You can always try to see what's popular in other mangas…
Kubo: *lights up* THAT'S IT! Kisuke, you are a genius!
Urahara: Ohohoh, why, of course I am.*flutters fan*
(Kubo grins with triumph.)
Rukia: What is it, Sensei?
Kubo: What Bleach is really lacking is...
Renji: Color pages?
Kubo: Urghh, no, but that isn´t a bad idea either...
Kubo: Hahaha! Good try, but no.
Aizen: *grabbing his horse puppet self and talking with it* Maybe you should let me take over the plot already.
Ichigo: *facepalms* You again? That's just weird. Wait … weren´t you supposed to be in prison or something?
Aizen: *smirks and moves the puppet´s hands* And since when were you under the impression that it was me...who was in prison?
Kubo: *interrupting* AHA! What my masterpiece is really lacking...is FANSERVICE!
Kubo: Exactly! So from now on there will be some little rearrangements in order to recover our old place amongst the top three most popular mangas! … Orihime!
Orihime: *wearing a bikini which leaves little to the imagination* Hai, Sensei?
Kubo: Now, using your improved powers thanks to the bikini´s help, start resurrecting Ulquiorra...he was so popular back then.
Ichigo: You can´t do that! This isn´t Dragon Ball or Naruto!
Urahara: He can do whatever he wants, Kurosaki-kun. He is the mangaka after all.
Kubo: *busily* And let´s see...now, you two, Byakuya and Toshiro, go to Hueco Mundo and bring back Grimmjow, Neliel and Hallibel. They were beloved by the fans too! But...fight them a little first so their clothes get torn. And also – do it shirtless. Fangirls will love that.
Rukia: *wearing a sexy bunny costume, hands on hips* That will not do. Nii-sama should not be exposed in such a vulgar way!
Ichigo: *mouth hanging open* The hell you wearing?
Rukia: *happily* A Chappy costume!
Ichigo: It´s NOT!
Toshiro: *scowling* I don´t want to do it either.
Rangiku: *wearing a Santa girl costume* But Taichooo, then how are you going to show off your hard (ahem) physical training?
Hinamori: *wearing a maid costume* You can do it, Shiro-chan!
Toshiro: It´s Hitsugaya-taichou! *scowls* And put your shinigami clothes back on, both of you!
Kubo: Hmmmm … now I have the fanservice, but something still seems to be missing...
Aizen: *coughs* Ahem.
Kubo: *snaps fingers* I HAVE IT! The main villain's appearance. Most popular mangas have attractive main villains. So, hmmm, what could we do with Bach...?
Kubo: I've got it! I'll rejuvenate him so he'll have "Tensa Zangetsu´s" looks. Fangirls will totally love it!
Kubo: Oh yeah, and Aizen, go back to your bondage chair, fangirls love that.
Urahara: *shirtless, high fives Gin* Awright!
Gin: *also shirtless, grinning* Exactly as planned.
A/N: Thank you, animefanxD, for generously allowing me to share your omake here.