Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors
Chapter 90 – Kensei Muguruma and Mashiro Kuna
A/N: Thanks to urs-v for requesting Kensei and Mashiro together. And to Higekimaru and GN Over-Kite for their suggestions, and to anonymous reviewers Notchka and Kennedy J. Ross. But the biggest thanks go to animefanxD for another awesome omake!
(Originally posted 1/18/14.)
Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,
Somehow I got assigned the duty of investigating this "fan fiction site" and it's ridiculous.
(Mashiro) Yeah! We're being asked to investigate something we don't even know how to investigate!
Shut up! This is my report. Stop being so annoying. Thank goodness you're not around in most of the stories featuring me.
(Mashiro) Yeah, that's because you're getting it on with Shuuhei in most of them. Perv!
You're even annoying in fiction. Now shut your trap before I lose it and attack you.
(Orihime wanders in.) Eheheh! (Apologetically) Ah, excuse me… I'm, um, just looking for the bathroom?
What?! Invading my letter with such a transparent excuse! If it weren't for the fact that there are hardly any stories with you and me together, I'd just kill you now.
(Orihime ducks her head) Uh, I'm so sorry… eheheh… just kidding?
(Throws down pen) Forget it! This isn't even worth doing.
(Mashiro) You're just grouchy because you just got beaten by the worst villain ever.
(Ignores her) All I've learned from this so-called investigation is that fangirls are immature, even more than you two. (Looks up) I should warn you fangirl "authors" that I won't hold back from attacking you, especially if you keep misinterpreting my tattoo.
Kensei Muguruma (and Mashiro Kuna)
With thanks to the amazing animefanxD for another of her omakes, this time featuring the Vizards…
A few months after the Karakura war, in the Vizards´ hideout…
Shinji: *inhales deeply* Ah! What a wonderful day. No Aizen, no Arrancars and no clouds in the blue heavens...*stretches* Now there is nothin' left to do but enjoy my holiday time here in the Human World.
Lisa: *frowning* Ahem, sorry to interrupt your "holiday," Shinji, but we need to talk.
Shinji: Talk? About what?
Kensei: About you stopping being a lazy ass and getting a damn job.
Shinji: The hell! Why should I? Not that we need jobs anyway!
Hachigen: In fact, Hirako-dono, I´m afraid we do...
Lisa: Did you really think the mortgage, lights, water, internet and food paid for themselves, moron?
Shinji ...welllll yeahhh kinda...
Kensei: *facepalms* Dear lord. And this guy is supposed to be our leader?
Love: We didn´t want to tell you before, because we knew you were really busy planning the revenge against Aizen. Because yeah, we all were betrayed by him, but it had to be the most horrible for you because of the special relationship you both shared...
Shinji: THAT WAS ONLY IN FANFICTION DAMMIT!
Lisa: Yeah, suuuure. But now that it´s over, you should look for a job, since you're the only one left without one.
Shinji: Whut?! *surprised* You mean all you guys have jobs?
Lisa: *rolls eyes* Of course we do!
Hachigen: I, for instance, have been working as a popular meditation teacher for the last 110 years, at different places of course.
Love: Rose plays at a few bars so that´s why he isn´t here today. And I´m an editor for Shonen Jump magazine.
Shinji: Wow, really?
Love: Yeah. *his mobile phone rings* In fact, my author is calling me right now. *talks into his phone* Yes, I´ve read it, and no, I didn´t like it. A story about a teenager with weird hair who slaughters demons with a giant sword? How do you expect that to actually work, eh?! People don´t want stories like that, they want SPORT mangas! ...So what if all the sports have already been picked? Invent one! *closes the phone* Ah, this fellow Kubo will never be one of the manga greats...
Lisa: ...Anyway, Mashiro and Kensei are a capoeira teacher and chef—
Shinji: But Mashiro´s cooking is awful!
Kensei: Yeah, that´s why I´m the chef.
Shinji: ...* starts laughing* Pfffff hahaha
Kensei: *grabs Shinji by the neck* Gotta problem, dumbass?!
Shinji: N-No, everything´s fine! Yer cooking is awesome. YOU are awesome, man!
Kensei: ...*drops him* Yeah, I thought so.
Shinji: So...since it seems everyone has a job, what's Hiyori do?
Lisa: Actually she is the one who brings in the most money. She's a personal trainer.
Shinji: *poker face*...You have GOT to be kidding me.
Love: No, for some reason her methods are very popular and her "Hiyori´s Super Trainer" video is even being sold at Walmart now.
Shinji:...BUAHAHAHAHAH Hiyori, a PERSONAL TRAINER? That's gotta be a sick joke!
Hiyori: *Appears and kicks Shinji in the face* Shut up, baldy! *crushes Shinji´s head* I used to go walking in the park and insult disgusting sweaty humans who claimed they were "working out." For some reason, soon they all wanted to PAY me for it!
Shinji: So insultin' them brings in the big bucks? Why not, I guess yer a natural!
Hiyori: *smacks him again* Shut up! Get your sorry ass outta here and go do something USEFUL for a change!
Shinji: FINE! I´m goin'! *leaves*
Kensei: Ok, he's gone. Call HIM, Love.
Love: Are you sure this is for the best? I mean, I trust him...but sometimes his methods are a little...drastic.
Lisa: Sadly, there's no other choice.
Love: ...Why didn´t you tell him you work at an erotic bookstore?
Lisa: He would want me to share for sure.
Love: *sighs* Fine, I´ll do it...*calling*: Hello? Kisuke, we need your help…
(To be continued…)
A/N: I'm glad animefanxD was able to feature most of the Vizards here.