AN: Oh yes… definitely a crack fic…well, for David's character… and Anon, I know you didn't put it in there, but I couldn't help myself… it's Swan Queen as well as your obvious Red Snow…

Leroy was walking down the street. It was actually a pretty good night for him. He didn't have to go to the station and he wasn't wasted… and those are two reasons he saw David Nolan lurking outside the diner. He knit his brows and walked over to him.

"Hey man… what are you doing?" The next thing he knew he was pulled to the ground.

"SHHHHHH!" David hissed at him as he held him by the collar. Once he knew that Leroy wasn't going to yell or anything, he continued, "Ruby and Mary Margaret are making out, dude!" He shoved him happily, "Hardcore woman on woman eventually naked and sweaty making out!"

Leroy stared at him for a full minute, "Yeah, you're a pig, man." He shook his head and mumbled as he started to pick himself up, "And I'm the outcast 'cause I'm the town druuuuhhhhhh…" He sank back down as he saw what David had seen, "I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be that bottle of chocolate syrup."

"Right?" David was staring as well.

They watched Mary Margaret lean back and Ruby squeeze some of the syrup into her mouth. She closed the cap once more then licked her thumb and forefinger before leaning back down to kiss the other woman. She started nipping down Mary Margaret's throat and got to the top button of her blouse.

"Holy drama-lama… take it off… take the shirt off." David begged. He resituated himself, his pants suddenly feeling tight.


The mayor exited the Sherriff's station with a happy smile on her face. She was just about to reach for her door handle when something caught her eye… the light to the diner was still on… it was far passed closing. She pursed her lips in got in. She decided that she'd drive by and see if there was anything the sheriff should know about.

She raised her brows as she peered inside, a smirk gracing her features, "Looks like they finally had that talk…" She shook her head and continued on… this is when something… err… two somethings caught her eye, "What the hell?" She squinted in her rearview trying to make out what they were. In the middle of the turn she was making, the light caught the objects right… it wasn't two somethings, but two someones. She growled. How dare those two… disgusting pigs of men sit outside the diner and watch two women like that. She shuttered at the thought.

She reached into the cup holder and brought her phone to her ear, "You can't wait fifteen more minutes? I'm just locking the station, Babe." Emma said with an obvious grin.

"Sheriff I think there's something at the diner you need to deal with." She said, "In fact I know it."

"What's going on?" Emma asked concerned, praying to every god she could think of, including the Almighty that it wasn't bad.

"David and Leroy are…lurking outside, doing God only knows as they watch Ruby and Mary Margaret."

Emma's brows rose to her hair line, "And just what are Ruby and Mary Margaret doing that has garnered these lurkers?" Emma asked, already getting the patrol car.

"Well… darling, they're kissing… but that doesn't mean that they should be gawked at from afar… Peeping Toms turn into rapists!"

"Okay… I hardly think that David and Leroy are capable of such a thing… you really need to stop watching all those crime dramas before bed…"

"I can't help it! Just get to the diner and take care of it!" She said sternly, "That's an order!"

"Yes ma'am, Madam Mayor, ma'am." Emma saluted to the air in her car as she pulled up to the diner, "Alright. I'm here… gotta do my job." She flashe

"You'll be graciously rewarded when you arrive home." Regina said with a smirk Emma could hear.

"Mmm, can't wait." Emma grinned as she hung the phone up. She sighed then flashed her lights for a moment… getting not two, but four pairs of eyes looking her direction.

Mary Margaret buttoned herself back up and stood up from the stool. Her arms were crossed as she looked outside, concern evident on her face. Ruby only looked curious as she placed a hand on Mary Margaret's shoulder. They realized that Emma wasn't walking to the diner door, but off to the other side. She gave them a subtle wave and an eyebrow raise of acknowledgement as she did so.

Emma walked over to David and Leroy and sighed with a cross of her arms, "Listen boys… I don't want to take you guys in… But it's hard not to make you spend a night in jail when I catch you doing this…"

"Emma, come on—"

"Peeping? Really?" Emma looked at Leroy, "Leroy man, that's not your style.. And David… you're married… you chose your wife… this is just…" She shuttered and looked to the side.

"Emma? What's going…on?" Mary Margaret asked as she and Ruby walked outside, "David…? Leroy…?"

"Were you guys peeping?" Ruby asked with horrified amusement.

"He made me do it!" Leroy pointed at David.

David looked to his partner in literal crime, "DUDE!" He hit him, then looked up at all of the women, "I didn't mean to! Honest! But… I looked in the diner, and…" David gave the two women he caught making out a grin, "I saw that…. I am only a straight man that likes to hypocritically watch lesbian porn… And it was right there in front of me—not to say what you were doing was pornographic! It was… sexy as hell, but not pornographic…" He struggled for words, "I'm a douche bag… Just call me 'Douche bag David'—I'm sorry!" He hung his head low.

Mary Margaret knelt down and looked at him, "You are a douche bag." She said then turned to Leroy, "And you…" She shook her head, "You go through enough what with being the town drunk and all…"

"Do I need to arrest them?" Emma asked.

Ruby looked at Mary Margaret before answering, "No… we've just learned a valuable lesson…" She said before she looked at the two men, "Always close the blinds."