Sam & Max

Episode 101

Culture Shock

Novelisation by Rikacmikac

They were in their office. Sam & Max were nearly always there. Except when they were on the case. Max, a hyper active rabbit thingy, was standing on a bowling ball, with an apple on his head. Sam, a peaceful dog compared to Max, but still a little aggressive, was sitting in his chair holding a gun. He had a big desk and a normal chair, compared to Max's little mini desk and chair that was almost broken. Max also didn't have a gun; his favourite weapon was a boxing glove.

Sam shot at Max, saying: "Quit moving around so much, bubblehead."

"When are we going to get another case, Sam? Surely the local lawbreakers must miss our esoteric brand of personalized criminal justice." Said Max.

"Patience is a sharp razor to swallow, Little Buddy." Sam said. He always called Max "Little Budy"

"OK, Don't scream this time."

Then the phone rang scaring Sam and Max. They gasped. Max jumped running to the phone "I got it! I got it! Hello?" He said and noticed he wasn't really holding the phone. Were the phone was, now was a note. Sam took it and started reading: "Leave cheese by the rat hole or you'll never see your precious phone alive again."

Sam gasped: "Jiminy Christmas Eve in a padlock sweatbox some misguidedly ballsy felon's napped our phone!"

Max replied: "Eerie – I just went cheese shopping! How did they know?

"Be sure it's Swiss cheese, right! And be quick about it!" somebody said. Sam & Max turned and saw a rat, he was called Jimmy Two-Teeth, and he lived in a rat hole in Sam's & Max's office. Then he turned around and got back in his hole.

"Ordinarily I hate yielding to extortion, but I have to admit that I'm half charmedby the sheer spunk of that oily little perp. Where'd you put the cheese, Max?"

"Gosh, it was hours ago! You know I have the memory of the dried trout."

"Sadly, Yes I do. Well, it's gotta be somewhere in this room..." Sam looked at they office. He looked at the dartboard. One of these days they're going to finish that game. Of course when Max gets the rest of the darts from the Police Impound.

Then there was a picture of the two on the moon. Max remembered that like cottage cheese through a strainer.

Then there was a picture of they're Motorcycle through the Midwest. There were only Sam, Max, and the authorities from seven states.

There was a water cooler in which was a miniature castle and a fish, Mr. Spatula. Sam always wondered how was the wheatear in there

There was a coat rack with no coats, but one gibbet, The rest of the Noose collection was missing, because of Max's surprise.

There was a Lush plant, called Hubert, who could use some water, but he couldn't have it because Max was training him to fetch it himself.

There was an open donut box on the floor, in it were some last month donuts. Max didn't throw it because he was saving it for a science experiment.

Then there was a calendar from 2002. It was a great year for calendars.

There was a TV with no antenna, but with a hanger. Sam turned it on. There was a picture of a book and a hypnotic voice that was saying: "Life troubling your digestion? Reality blocking your passages. Expel your troubles with "Emetics", a handbook for multi-coloured happiness, and "Separate your bliss"" Sam turned the TV off.

There was Max's and Sam's desks and a cupboard in which were 20 years worth of electric bills that took up a amazing amount of space. There was also a bulletin board. When they bought it, they thought that it would be useful. They tough. Were else would they keep the papers that they would not ever look at again.

There was a door which was actually a cupboard. Above it was Jesse James's hand. Dam opened the cupboard and found A LOT of cheese. "Oh, there it is!" said Max. Unfortunately, it was not Swiss cheese.

Sam pulled his big gun and started shooting at the Swiss cheese. " Take that, you lawbreaking milk products!"

"Sam! No! The cheese was innocent."

"Inocent? I think not."

Sam took some cheese which really looked like Swiss cheese, not suprising, because it suffered Sam's Big Gun. He put some cheese in front of the rat hole. Jimmy came out and pushed the cheese aside: "Greetings. The members of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Vermin would like to thank you for your offering."

Sam said: "The members of Sam and Max would like their phone back now."

"If you don't mind."

"I regret to inform you that the situation has changed, and I am unable to comply with your request. A list of additional demands for the return of the phone follows..."

Max quickly grabbed the rat and put him on the desk. "Now, let's discuss this calmly." Said Sam.

"Let's debone the smarmy little skeez and see if the phone's in there!"

"I ain't talkin', coopers. Jimmy Two-Teeth ain't no rat. Er... I ain't talkin'.

"We've met your demands, we got you the cheese. Any honourable rodent would hold up his end of the bargain and give back our phone." Said Sam.

"Us rodents is not known for being particularly honourable."

"We'll go half easy on you if you just cough up the phone."

"Yea, Yea... Never gonna' happen, pig!

"Look, I want to help you, but my partner is a little unhinged. I'm afraid I may be unable to keep him from harming you in some colourfully gruesome fashion" said Sam.

"Lemme at him, Sam!"

"Aa, I can take of myself."

"Help me help you, Jimmy."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean" said Jimmy.

"I have no idea, but it always sounds good on TV."

"I think about stuffing a light bulb through your throat, perp!"

"Go ahead, I've been a little hungry. Hey dogface, your partner is givin' my a headache!"

"You mentioned a headache, would you like some aspirin? And while I am at it, is there anything I can do to make you comfortable? Are you thirsty, perhaps? Lights too bright?" Sam asked.

"Well that's sportin' of ya. Now you mention it, I don't really like bein' up here so high. I got me a thing about highs, they make me nervous, you know?"

"Oh, really? Don't like highs, eh? How'd you like it if I dangled your greasy hide out of the window?"

"Heh. You wouldn't.

Next moment, Max was standing up the window, holding Jimmy by his tail. "Wait" he cried.

"I warn you, I'm known for my fuzzy little butterfingers."

"It's true. You should see him trying to tie an ascot."

"All right. All right. Have mercy."

Max said: "I've had mercy. It was unpleasantly gooey, like... Well, like things that have fallen onto pavement from a great high."

"I give up. Take yer phone and lemme go!"

Then he turned to Sam and started spiting and vomiting, and that's when they saw they phone. It flung right from his mouth to Sam's hands. "Aww, for the love-a' – I wish I could unsee that."

Then the phone rang. Sam picked the phone and answered: "Hello? Yes? Great gouts of steaming magma on a beeline for the orphanage! We're on our way."

He put down the phone and heard a scream and an 'ow'.

He asked Max: "Where's the rat?"

"I let him go. Who was on the phone?"

"It was the commissioner, Max! Multiple reports of malfeasance in the neighbourhood!"

"Oh, joy! That's my second favourite feasance!"

"Idiot! We've got to get down to the corner store right away!"

They left they office and found themselves on the street. There was a bent meter that reminded Sam of their old car. Max always said that he was sorry when Sam reminded him about that.

On a little building, the size of a small kiosk, a kid painted a graffiti that looked like a man with odd shaped hair. The kid had black hair, glasses, and a familiar outfit. He was called Specs.

Sam said: "Say there, unfashionably dressed street urchin..."

"Aah! You made me mess up! Now I have to start all over!"

Max said: "Yowzers, you are one ugly ki... Heeey... I know you!"

Sam said: "Oh, that's right! You're one of the loveable scamps from that old TV Show about Singing Soda Jerks!"

"It's called 'The Soda Poppers'. And the seventies are not 'old'."

Max said: "Specs! It's you" Wow, an actual celebrity vandalizing our neighbourhood. This is great!"

Sam said: "Boy, you sure were a famous oddly underdeveloped teen celebrity at one time."

"I'm still famous!"

Max asked: " Are you..."

"Um, like a million point one time more famous than you!"

Sam said: " Well, we're really more known in the

18-TO-34-YEAR old repeat-criminal demographics. Say how about an autograph for my pal?"

"You can sign my butt! Make it out to 'Squinky'."

"I don't sign butts anymore. People get ticklish and they move and it gets all messed up."

"I'll risk it."

"Sorry, I can't stop painting. This must be perfect."

Sam asked: "What was that catchphrase you used to say on your show?"

"It was like 'You messed me up,' or something."

"'You made me mess up.' Which you just did, thanks a lot."

"Oh, Yeah."

"So Specs, what are you up to these days? Any new projects?"

"Yes! I have a new light in my life, and his name is Brady Culture. He's the genius behind the eye-bo ocular fitness program. You really should try on of his videos."

Sam asked: "'Eye-Bo' sounds like a electric archery toy."

"Eye-Bo is the truly visionary ocular fitness program. Try the video today!"

"Where can I get a copy of the video?"

"They carry them over at Bosco's. You should get it!"

"Sounds fascinating. But enough about that."

"You can never get enough of Brady Culture's Eye-Bo."

"Didn't I see you on a episode of 'Celebrity Slapfight'?"

"I was desperate! I was heavy into three-ring binders at the time, and I needed the money."

Max jumped into the conversation: "You got your clock clean from that lady from 'Ola and in the Way'!"

"Never saw that walker coming..."

Sam said: "Well, that's nice. Tell me something about that trendy modern street art you're perpetrating."

"What about it?"