A/N: On the "Ask the Squishykins" tumblr, Twinings and I are currently offering ourselves up for two full weeks of filling fic prompts for our readers, varying in length from a hundred to a thousand-plus words. The project has been dubbed the Free For All Fic For All—or FFAFFA for short. This is one of those stories—and this is the boilerplate author's note you'll see on all of 'em. The current round of FFAFFA runs until July 15th, so if you want a custom fic written to any particular specifications, drop by and ask for it!

Prompt: Clayface III & Lady Clayface go out for a night on the town; somebody babysits their son, Cassius.

5:30 PM

"You're…sure you can handle him?" The little blob of goo in Lady Clay's arms cooed and swatted his hands at his mother's face.

"Sure I'm sure!" Harley chirped, saluting cheerily. She reached for the baby greedily, not seeming to mind that he was little more than a vaguely baby-shaped lump of brown clay. "I've babysat Red's plants lotsa times! It'll be a cinch."

"Plants? I…I'm not sure—"

Harley snatched Cassius right out of his mother's arms. "G'wan, g'wan, it'll be fine!"

"We'll be back around…nine?"

"Sure thing!" Harley cuddled the baby happily as Preston Payne ushered his wife out the door. She took his tiny melty hand and forced it to wave. "Say bye bye, mommy and daddy! Bye bye!"

Lady Clay hesitated for a moment. "Preston, I'm not sure I can—"

Harley, unfazed, slammed the door in her face.

"Looks like it's just you and me, kid!" she held Cassius over her head and grinned at him.


Cassius dripped a little on Harley's shoulder. She glanced at it, shrugged, and swung him around. "It'll buff right out."


"No, wait, come back!"

For a baby who could only crawl, Cassius sure was a quick one. Harley dove for him and managed to get her hands around his middle.

"Ha!" she exclaimed in triumph. "Gotcha!"

Giggling, he literally slipped right through her fingers.


Harley stood at the diaper changing table, one hand keeping the baby still and the other peeling back his diaper.

She stood for a good five minutes staring at it.

"Didja poop? I can't tell…"


"Bathtiiiime!" Harley sang, scooping Cassius up and sauntering over to the bathtub. She plopped him in the warm water she'd already filled the tub with, which instantly went muddy.

He splashed a bit, and she frowned.

"Howd'I know when yer clean, kid?"



"Not down the drain! NOT DOWN THE DRAIN!"


"Baby!" Harley wiped the sweat from her brow and yanked the bathtub's pipes out from the hole she'd made in the wall, peering into the plumbing for her wayward charge. "Baybeeeeeeeeee!"

There was a gurgle-giggle from the bathroom sink and a few plop-pop sounds.


Only after Harley tore the bathroom sink away from the wall did Cassius come crawling out of the pipes.

"'Course, ya came out of the kitchen sink," she said to him with a little scowl, "but same difference!"


"Lullabye and goodniiight, close yer big bloodshot eyes, la de dah dah, la de dah," Harley tried not to yawn, as she sat in the rocking chair next to the baby's crib.

She didn't notice him oozing out from between the bars until he was long gone.


Her hair matted to her head, barely recognizable as blonde under all the muck, Harley skidded into the kitchen just in time to see Cassius climbing into the blender.


She dove.

His foot hit "frappe."


Clay spattered all over the kitchen countertops, the walls, the floor…

Harley let out a shriek of utter horror and dropped to her knees, wailing inconsolably, just as the front door burst open.

She turned teary eyes on Preston and Sondra Payne and blubbered, "I..l-l-lost him in a…buh-buh-buh-blender-hur-hur-hur!

But the clay on the walls drew itself together in the middle of the room with a shwoop sound, leaving every surface spotless and Cassius's tiny humanoid body standing at his parent's feet.


Lady Clay happily swept her son up in her arms. Then, she turned to Harley. "Thank you so much! Can you come back next week?"

Harley's eyes went buggy and her mouth grew tight and frowny. "Ferget this! I'm goin' back ta Arkham!"