Here's a bit of an explanation before you start reading:
This is just a really weird LOTR fanfic containing long-ish stories about what would happen if The Fellowship was placed into our world into several strange places.
There are two girls in this story (Amanda and Heather.) There shall be no romance in this story between the girls and The Fellowship members, seeing as a) the girls are teenagers and that would be creepy and b) it would muddle up the plotline. Bear with me, romance-addicts.
Here's the list of LOTR characters in the story (yes, I know, Gollum isn't part of The Fellowship. Bite me):
Hopefully you enjoy the fanfic!
The sky was a deep shade of blue, darkened by plumes of thick cloud. Aragorn was on watch, whittling a piece of wood with a knife.
A sudden snap of a branch nearby made him drop the carving and reach for his sword. There was another noise, followed by a splash. Then came cursing.
'Gollum', he muttered darkly, settling back into the rhythmic sliding of the knife against the timber, 'I should have guessed as much.'
Close by, Legolas awoke from his sort of elf-slumber, grabbing an arrow from his quiver. 'What was that?' the elf hissed, looking keenly around, 'An orc?'
'Nay, no orc,' Aragorn frowned, 'that creature Gollum has been following us. Even in Moria he was haunting our footsteps. Yet Gandalf did not worry, so I shall not. Go back to sleep, Legolas. That wretched thing should not hinder our rest.'
'Even still,' Legolas sighed, 'I worry.'
Then, suddenly, darkness enveloped the entire company.
There was a cry, and followed by several voices exclaiming about the lack of light.
'Oi!' Sam could be heard, 'What's all this about?'
'The ring!' Frodo shouted, 'I can't find it! Oh, no, there it is. Where has the light gone?'
'Merry?' Pippin screeched, 'Merry, are you there?'
'Yes, Pippin, I'm here!'
Abruptly, everyone started to speak at once.
'Should I blow my horn?'
'How would that help, Boromir?'
'I can't find my pots and pans!'
'Ouch! Pippin, stop poking me with your dagger!'
'Sorry, Merry, I thought you were an orc!'
'Legolas!' Aragorn yelled over the ruckus, 'Can your elf-eyes see anything?'
'Nay, not a thing!' Legolas replied in a frightened tone, 'It's as if we've all gone blind!'
Then there were two loud pops, and the entire Fellowship fell into silence.
'Woah, where am I?' a girl's voice exclaimed.
'Amanda, is that you?' another girl asked.
'Heather! You're here!'
'Sadly, since we don't know where here is.'
'Do you have a light?'
'I have my phone and a lighter.'
'A…lighter? I didn't know you smoked.'
'Oh, I don't. I use it to set things on fire.'
'You know, like Barbie dolls and such.'
'Actually, scratch the Barbie doll thing. I only tried that once, and the smell was awful.'
'…Heather, just use your phone.'
There was a beeping noise, followed by a screen lighting up.
'Holy shit!' the phone-holding girl, Heather, shrieked, 'Old men! Old men everywhere!'
'We're in a pedophile van!' Amanda screamed, 'Oh my god, we're going to die!'
The two girls ran together into a huddle, both staring at The Fellowship. Nobody moved.
'Um…' Heather said after awhile, 'maybe they're dead.'
'They haven't moved at all,' Amanda muttered, 'perhaps they're cardboard cutouts…'
'Are we dead?' Heather asked the closest Fellowship member; Boromir. All he did was stare.
'Well that was a great answer,' Amanda sighed after a few minutes, 'I think they're dead.'
'Dare you to poke one,' Heather giggled.
'Go fall off a cliff!'
'I won't poke one until you do!'
'Fine,' Heather conceded, 'if I poke one, then you have to too!'
'It's a deal,' Amanda nodded, 'now go see if they're real.'
Bravely, Heather stalked up to Boromir and tapped him on the head. Nothing happened. Turning to Amanda, she winked; 'Your turn.'
Quietly, Amanda tiptoed to a different individual; Gimli. She poked his arm, and then started to yell.
'What?' Heather demanded, 'What the hell happened?'
'HE LOOKS JUST LIKE GIMLI FROM LORD OF THE RINGS,' Amanda ran back to Heather, 'AND THAT LOOKS LIKE BOROMIR, AND THAT LOOKS LIKE FRODO, AND THAT LOOKS LIKE ARAGORN…WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE?'
'Holy freedom fries,' Heather said in an alarmed voice, 'you're right.'
'Um,' Aragorn suddenly said, 'who are you?'
The girls both screamed at the same time.
'Please refrain from doing that,' Legolas pleaded, 'it hurts my ears.'
'THEY CAN TALK!'
'HOLY MOTHER OF SPONGEBOB.'
'Who are you two?' Boromir inquired, 'And what are you?'
'Edible, maybe, preciousssss?' a voice suddenly rose up. Everybody froze.
'You guys have freakin' Gollum with you?' Heather whispered, 'Oh god, we're stuck in a small dark place with Gollum.'
With a cry, Boromir sprang towards where Gollum had sounded and emerged in the pale light holding the creature down with his sword.
'Well,' Heather straightened up, 'problem solved. Thanks Boromir.'
'How do you know our names?' Frodo asked quietly.
'Um,' Heather exchanged glances with Amanda, 'we just…do.'
'I'm Amanda, by the way,' Amanda said in a small voice, 'please don't kill us.'
'I'm Heather, and I have a lighter. Beware,' Heather reached into her pocket, brought up the device and clicked it. Nothing happened. 'Shit, I thought this one still had some juice left.'
'Heather, I hope you know that the fact that you have a used-up lighter scares me, seeing as your only use for one is for burning stuff,' Amanda gave a nervous scowl.
'It's nice to meet you, Lady Amanda and Lady Heather,' Gimli suddenly bowed, 'I am Gimli, son of Gloi-'
'Yeah, yeah, we know,' Heather waved the useless lighter at him, 'we know all of your names and your backgrounds and stuff. We don't need a family-tree lesson right now, anyways. What we need is a way out of here.'
'How far back does the darkness go?' Aragorn questioned, 'Legolas, run ahead and see.'
Purposefully, the elf sprang forward, only to crash into a hidden dark wall.
'Ouch,' Amanda cringed, 'that looked painful.'
'There's no way out!' Legolas cried, surveying the other sides, 'We are trapped!'
'They are coming,' Heather quoted mysteriously before breaking out into giggles.
'Stop being creepy!' Amanda shivered, 'Now I'm all freaked out again.'
'Hey, at least we have armed men all around us,' Heather pointed out.
'Where do you come from?' Aragorn asked in an exasperated tone, 'Your speech is far different from our own.'
'Um…' Amanda shrugged, 'we come from Canada. It doesn't exist where you come from, seeing as you are in the…the what? Something age of Middle Earth? I don't even know what that means…anyways, we're from modern times.'
'For example,' Heather held up her phone, 'this is a phone. You can use it to call or text people. Or you can play games on it, such as Angry Birds.'
The Fellowship swapped odd looks.
'Look,' Amanda sighed, 'we don't know what we're doing here with you guys. We don't know where we are, or what's happening, but let's make the most of it. What happened before you got here?'
'I was taking watch to make sure that The Fellowship wouldn't be attacked when suddenly the light seemed to go out,' Aragorn recounted, 'it was as if the moon had suddenly vanished.'
'Ah,' Heather mimicked Aragorn's hazy tone, 'I too had the same experience; I was taking watch on my couch to make sure that the potato chips wouldn't be attacked when suddenly the light seemed to go out. It was as if the TV had suddenly vanished.'
'Heather,' Amanda sighed, 'I thought you had promised to be more active at nighttime.'
'I did, but then I took a Doctor Who marathon to the knee.'
'Heather, overused memes are bad.'
'Hold the phone,' Amanda said unexpectedly.
'Well,' Heather raised an eyebrow and nodded to her cell, 'I am.'
'Ha, very funny,' Amanda muttered sarcastically, then she turned to Aragorn, 'where's Gandalf?'
'He's dead,' Aragorn replied, 'he fell in Moria.'
'Nope!' Heather shouted, 'Chuck Testa!'
'Enough with your bad use of memes.' Amanda swung around to face Heather, 'I will rip off your head if you use another one.'
'One does not simply rip off Heather's head,' Heather held up her hand and imitated Boromir.
'I hate you,' Amanda hissed before turning back to The Fellowship, 'Gandalf isn't dead, by the way. But you'll find that out when you go back to Middle Earth…if you ever get back to Middle Earth.'
'He isn't dead?' Sam exclaimed, 'Well I never…how…what?'
'Astute of you, Mr. Samwise,' Heather stroked her invisible beard, 'Well I never…how…what? That's one for the books, boys.'
Then the world rapidly turned colourful before becoming utterly black.
When the entire company opened their eyes, flashing lights blinded them.
'Oh god,' Heather complained, shielding her face, 'it burns.'
'I'm meeeeeeelting!' Amanda cried out, and then laughed, 'Look around everybody. This is quite the view.'
The now sighted group gasped. They were up on a stage, with blinking show lights over them and a crowd at their feet. A man, dressed in dazzling blue, was waving at the audience. A sign at the back of the theatre read out 'Test Your Knowledge'. Cameras were everywhere.
'We're on a game show,' Heather gaped at the rest of the people, 'oh lordy.'
'Welcome, welcome!' the blue man, who was assumed correctly to be the host of the show, shouted at the spectators, 'Welcome to Test Your Knowledge, the game show where brains are definitively before brawn! I'm Ray Blonge, and let's meet our contestants for today!'
He walked over to the side of the stage opposite to The Fellowship, and held up his microphone to the people that were gathered over there.
'I'm Christina, leader of the blue team!' a woman yelled into the mike, 'And we are going to win this competition!'
'I'm David,' another person screamed, 'and we're ready to rumble!'
'I'm Elly,' again somebody else cried, 'it's time to get our game on!'
Over and over more contestants would shout their names, and then say an unoriginal catchphrase. Eventually, they stopped.
'Good, good, I like that enthusiasm!' Ray nodded, taking back his mike, 'Let's hear it for the blue team!'
Over the loud applause, Heather gathered the group into a huddle; 'Okay, when he brings the mike over to us – that's that stick thing – just give your name and don't speak after that. I'll explain stuff as this goes on.'
'Heather, we should leave,' Amanda hissed, 'I'm confused and we don't belong here.'
'Don't worry, Mandy-boo,' Heather grinned, 'this will be fun.'
Ray then walked over to the group; 'And here are the other components! Who's the leader of this green team?'
'Well,' Boromir stood up proudly, 'although I am not named the leader of The Fellowship, I am a brave and honest man, only seeking what is best for my realm. Therefore, I suppose that this leadership should be entrusted to me.'
'But Aragorn is the heir of Isildur,' Legolas interjected, 'he should be the leader.'
'Aragorn is the leader of The Fellowship as of late,' Boromir complained, 'I should at least be trusted with the direction of this 'green team'.'
'Don't forget about Gimli, son of Gloin,' Gimli raised a hand, 'dwarves are often overlooked because of their size, yet we are keen and are good of nature!'
'Don't forget about the hobbits of the Shire, either!' Sam burst out.
'Or the prince of Mirkwood,' Legolas said offhandedly.
'Just because you're a little princling does not entitle you to leadership, master elf,' Gimli's eyes crinkled.
'And just because you're short doesn't enable you either, master Gimli,' Legolas frowned at the dwarf.
'Don't forget about me, preciousssss,' Gollum hissed.
'If you were to be leader, we'd all be dead,' Sam grumbled angrily.
'Um,' Ray took his microphone back and pointed to Gollum, 'what's that?'
'Our dog!' Heather supplied quickly, 'Our…talking dog. He has…like a microchip collar thing, like in the movie Up.'
'Dogses! They call us dogses, precious, nasty little girl, we'd rip out her hair, yes precious, yes, her hair and her arms! Gollum, gollum,' Gollum croaked, huddling behind Merry.
'Right…' Ray trailed off, 'so who's the leader again?'
'I am!' most of the company said at once, followed by more fighting. Finally, Amanda couldn't take it any longer.
'My name is Amanda, and I'm the leader of the green team!' she said in an exasperated voice.
'Finally,' Ray gave the audience a forced yet dazzling smile. They cheered gratefully. 'What's with all of the costumes?'
'Um,' Amanda grimaced, 'they…we…medieval times is our main theme for today.'
'So let's see,' Ray turned to the crowd, 'a medieval times themed team with a modern dog that can talk via a microchip. This is going to be a great episode, eh, viewers?'
The people started to cheer.
'Now, give us your names properly,' Ray looked back at The Fellowship, 'and in short, if you can.'
The crowd laughed a bit.
'I am Gimli,' Gimli leaned into the mike, 'son of Gloin. I was chosen to represent the race of dwarves in this Fello-'
'I am Legolas,' Legolas cut the dwarf off, 'prince of Mirkwoo-'
'I wasn't finished yet, Legolas,' Gimli glared up at him.
'You've done enough talking, Gimli.'
'Oh, so you haven't?'
'Not as much as you.'
'You've done thrice more than I have!'
'Master dwarf, may your beard grow ever longer, but you've been blabbering like a man with too much mead in him!'
'No, not at all likewise. I am silent in nature and I-'
'Would you two care to quiet down?' Aragorn sighed, and then leaned into the mike, 'I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn.'
'Pippin of the Shire, at your service.'
The rest of them listed off their names using Aragorn as an example. At length (they were interrupted a bit by Gimli at the end) they finished. Ray rolled his eyes to the audience and they laughed.
'Now, although we all know the way this works, I can explain for all of those first time people,' Ray said in a slightly frustrated tone, meandering up to centre stage, 'random themed questions will be pulled from our electronic database, and the first team to answer the question gets a point. The first team to fifteen points wins the five thousand dollar prize. Who's ready?'
Yells of excitement erupted across the room.
'Now, remember folks,' Ray wagged a finger at a camera, 'the questions go from extremely easy to very hard. Also, don't forget,' he then turned to the contestants, 'each wrong answer deducts a point, so don't blurt out things at random. And finish each answer with the word 'answer'. Am I clear?'
'Not really,' Heather murmured to Amanda, and they laughed.
'First question!' Ray pointed to a large screen off to the right of the stage. There was a bleeping noise, followed by the title Geography, 'A geography question, folks. Hope you paid attention in class!'
Text appeared across the screen, followed by a pleasant female voice; 'Which country has Amsterdam as the capital city?'
A person from the blue team immediately cried out 'The Netherlands; answer!'
There was a moment of silence before the voice said 'Correct!'
'Point to blue team!' Ray shouted, and a scoreboard to the left added a point to the blue team's score.
'Blue team rules, it's okay, we'll beat green team any day!' the blue team shouted out in rhyme. Heather gave them the finger when Ray wasn't looking.
'Next question!' Ray screeched, flinging his hand to the screen. The name Riddle popped up.
'Riddles, precioussss, riddles!' Gollum exclaimed, 'We likes riddles, yes precious, oh yes, we do.'
'Oh no,' Heather whispered to Amanda, 'remember how he acted when he got the answer wrong to Bilbo's 'riddle' in the book?'
'Oh no,' Amanda echoed.
'It's the beginning of existence and the end of time. It's the beginning of everything and the end of space. What is it?' the female asked. There was a deafening silence, then;
'The letter 'e'! The letter 'e'! Yes, precioussss, 'e'; answer!' Gollum cried.
'Chestnuts, chestnuts,' hissed the creature as Heather jumped around happily.
'We need a cheer,' Amanda whispered to the group, calming her friend down, 'a rhyme, sort of.'
'Well I ain't no Bilbo,' Sam said shyly, 'but I've been practicing my rhymes, so to say, so I might have one.'
Then he walked boldly in front of the group and slowly started to list off a poem;
A team of green;
A creature of spite;
A riddle to fiddle;
An answer of might.
Then he stepped back and blushed.
'That was…' Heather began, 'um…interesting.'
'Patriotism!' Ray yelled to the audience, 'Lovely, I do love poetry, folks. Next question!'
It was History next.
'Oh, no,' Amanda muttered as The Fellowship eagerly nodded to each other; 'they'll have a completely different sense of time.'
'In 1773, tea was thrown into the Boston Harbor,' the voice read out, 'what was this iconic act called?'
'Shit,' Heather muttered, 'I should have paid attention in grade seven history class…'
'It's on the tip of my tongue,' Amanda hopped up and down as the other team collaborated, 'I remember the teacher telling it to us offhandedly because it was an American thing…was it called the Boston Protest?'
'Why not try?' Heather shrugged.
'We'll lose a point!'
'Not like it's the end of the world.'
'C'mon, people, this is only the third question!' Ray impatiently said.
'Um,' Amanda spoke up, 'Boston Protest; answer.'
There was silence, and then the stage lights flashed red.
'Incorrect!' the voice huffed.
'Damn,' Amanda frowned, just as Frodo spoke up.
'Boston Tea Party; answer,' the hobbit cried out.
Amanda and Heather whipped around.
'How did you know that?' Heather asked in amazement.
'Well, they dumped tea into that Boston Harbor,' Frodo shuffled his feet, 'logically, that would make the tea, and logically that would make a tea party is Boston Harbor. It makes sense, see.'
'A hobbit from the Shire knows more of our history then we do,' Heather grimaced, 'figures. Hey, Sam, why not have some more poetry?'
'Half a minute,' the hobbit replied, 'I need to get my bearings. Why would people dump such perfect tea into a harbor? Seems like a waste, if you get what I'm saying.'
'Fine,' Heather sighed, 'if you're not in a Shakespeare mood then somebody else should do something before Ray goes and gets another question going.'
And that's when Gollum started to sing.
'The rocks and pool
Is nice and cool
So juicy sweet
Our only wish
To catch a fish
So juicy sweet'
The sound of his voice made all the chattering across the audience stop.
'He sounded like a mix between a dying alpaca and a weed hacker,' Heather commented when Gollum finished his singing, 'also, that had nothing to do with the tea-party-thingamabob. I wanted something poetic, not nightmarish.'
'That was,' Ray mumbled into his mike, 'um…really…I don't know what to say.'
Somebody from the audience yelled out 'That's a first!' and Ray was right back to his old self.
'Very funny,' he said in a sarcastic voice, 'now, next question folks! Let's keep the ball rolling.'
It continued on like this. Each person got a chance to say a poem or two when the team scored a point (which happened more often then you would think.) Heather's was the shortest, being a two-liner;
We won a point,
You have a face that makes me disappoint.
Legolas ended up having the longest poem, which started out somewhere around points, then switched to arrow-points, then switched into the long verses of elf history, ending up somewhere between old wars and seedcake. Finally, Ray had to calm him down, and he looked very ruffled.
'Nobody tells an elf prince to be quiet,' he huffed.
The blue team seemed to be getting rather bored at this time, and completely ignored the next question, hearing it only as another verse of the poetry. That made an easy point for the green team, and tied up the game, 14-14.
'The next question could determine a winner!' Ray said in an excited tone, 'Usually at this point I ask for the teams to do a battle cry, but since we've already had so much poetry, I think I'll just skip that part.'
But it was too late, 'Battle cry?' Gimli called out, 'My father, Gloin, had a great tune he used to sing when he was marching out, whether to a battle or to a celebration. I shall recount it now, in this time of need!'
'No!' Ray, Heather, and Amanda all cried out at once, but like I said, it was too late. Gimli started to sing loud and clear, and it took twenty minutes to shut him up. In the end, Heather had to take off one of her socks and wrap it around his face.
'Thank you!' said an exasperated Ray, 'Hurry, next question!'
The word Novels popped up on the screen. The blue team groaned; apparently this was the toughest category.
'Name all the members of the Lord of the Rings Fellowship,' the pleasant female voice said. Heather and Amanda looked at each other in shock.
'Easy,' Boromir frowned at the screen, 'Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Gimli, I (Boromir), Aragorn, and Gandalf; answer.'
There was cheering and confetti started to fall. Heather was confused.
'Either that was fluke or that was planned,' she muttered to Amanda as Ray handed a perplexed Boromir a cheque, 'I'm going with planned.'
Then the lights went out and The Fellowship (plus Amanda, Heather, and Gollum, of course) were back in that dark room.
'That wasn't pointless at all,' Heather grumbled sarcastically, pulling out her phone and turning it on.
'Actually, no, it wasn't pointless,' Legolas reminded her, 'seeing as we ended up with fifteen points.'
'Legolas is evolving! Legolas evolved into annoying comedian!' Heather hissed at him, but the Pokémon reference was not very effective.
Couple things before you go :P I don't own the 'fish' poem that Gollum sings, I don't own any of the LOTR characters (sadly :c), etc, etc.
This chapter (after reading over it) wasn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be. BEAR WITH ME, HOPEFULLY IT WILL GET BETTER. xD
Make sure to read and review!