Chapter 32

I really hate that Christian had to go back to work so soon. I know he had to. I just hate being here at the house. I can't really do anything and just sitting around is so boring. With past C-sections, I always had a new baby to keep me busy. It's different this time. It gives me way too much time to think. I can't even help with the kids too much yet. Teddy's in school. Thank heavens I have Gail. I know Christian pays her to be here, but sometimes I almost feel like she is more of a mother to me than my own mother.

I love Mom, but she is just so about herself and Bob. I know she loves me, but for so many years I've felt like I fit in there somewhere behind the husbands. Thank God for Ray. He wasn't even my real parent, but he's always been there for me. Always put me first. I couldn't love him more if he were my real father.

Maybe that's why Christian and I have enjoyed having the children so much. We both want the chance to be better parents than our birth parents were. I think that is one of the things I love most about Christian. He's such a damn good father. There's something just so sexy about a man that loves his kids. Not that he needed to be any sexier. The man is on fire. After eight years I'm still hot for him.

I can't wait until I can get up and moving around again. I need to start trying to get rid of this baby weight and get my tummy back and get my ass off the floor. Christian would love me no matter what, but I still need to try to look good for him. I just love it when I catch him looking at me. It doesn't matter how tired I am or how awful I look; sometimes I catch him looking at me like I'm a hot fudge sundae and he's been on a sugar fast. I want him to always look at me like that. He can make me feel so beautiful, so desired.

Shit! I'm thinking too much again. Teddy should be home from school soon. I'll be glad to see him. He hasn't asked me anything about the baby. He noticed when I got pregnant, but he hasn't noticed that there's nothing there anymore. There's nothing there anymore. I'm empty. He's gone. Shit, I'm so tired of crying.

I reach over and pick up my phone after it rings. It reads Christian.

"Hi Sweetheart. How's work going?" I try to sound cheerful.

"It's okay. Lot to catch up on. How are you feeling?" he asks.

I can feel my voice start to crack. "I guess I'm okay."

"No you aren't. I can hear it in your voice. What's wrong baby?"

"Christian you have more to do than listen to me complain," I tell him.

"I have nothing that's more important than to listen to you complain. What is it?" he insists.

"I'm just board. I have too much time to think and that's not good. I'm sore, my breasts are about to explode and I still don't have a breast pump." I'm sobbing pretty good right now. " I look awful and I'm just so sad."

"What can I do, baby?" He sounds so sympathetic.

"Nothing. There's nothing you can do." God I wish you could make it all go away.

"Is Teddy home from school yet?"

"Not yet. Why?"

"I just thought he could keep you company until I get home."

"He should be home soon. I'll be fine. I miss you."

"I'll try to get away early. We'll turn our brains off and watch one of those inane chick movies tonight if you want to."

I chuckle a bit. "You don't have to go that far."

"That sounds a little better. Just a minute…..What? Okay I'm on my way….Get things started and I'll be right there. Baby, I need to go. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"Okay. Go merge or acquire something."

"Love you, Baby."

"Bye."

Now I really miss him. I start to cry again. Good, heavens. I can't just sit here and cry all the time. Just when I feel like all is lost, I hear Teddy coming down the hall. He peeks around the door. "Hey baby. Come on in and visit."

Teddy runs and takes a flying leap on to the bed, then crawls up and snuggles next to me.

"Mom are you crying again?" he asks.

"Yes, just a little." I hate that he has noticed, but no sense in lying.

"Are you sad?"

I nod. "Yes sweetheart. I am a little sad."

"Are you sad because of Sam?" he looks up and asks.

"Yes. I am baby. Why did you ask?" This child never ceases to amaze me.

"Dad told me not to talk to you about it," he tells me.

"He did? What did Dad say about Sam?" What in the world has Christian told him?

"He just said that when you had your accident that Sam got hurt and he wasn't going to get born any more. But he said that it would make you sad if I talked about it."

"Oh, Teddy, baby. You can always talk to me about anything." I hug him tight and kiss his head.

"Is that all Daddy said?"

"He said that Sam was a garden."

"A garden?"

"Yep. Like when you plant seeds in a garden and some grow and some don't. He said that Sam was like a seed that didn't get to finish growing."

"How do you feel about that?" I ask him.

"Well, I was sort of liking to have a little brother, but we can just plant another seed can't we?"

"Oh, honey. I'm not so sure about that." This will be harder than I thought.

"Why not?"

"Well, when I fell, it hurt the place where the baby grows. The doctor couldn't fix it so she had to take it out. Mommy can't grow another baby, sweetheart."

"Oh. Dad didn't tell me that," He pouts.

"Well, that's a lot for a little boy to take in all at once." I play with his little curls. "Do you think that just having Mom and Dad and you and Grace will be okay?"

"I guess so. If it's okay with you and dad. It's okay with me."

"I think having you and Grace will make Daddy and me very happy."

"Then why are you so sad?"

"Well, I love Sam very much. Even though he wasn't born yet, I love him as much as I love you and Grace."

"You do? Even though you couldn't see him?" he asks.

"Yes baby. I started loving him the minute I knew he was there."

"Did you love me the minute you knew I was there?" he asks.

"Yes I did. From the very first second. In fact I think I loved you before you were there." I hug him so tight.

"How could you love me before I was there?" he asks.

"I wanted you in my life so much, that I just loved the idea of having you."

"I loved you before I knew you too, Mom." He smiles up at me. "Did daddy love me too?"

"Oh, yes." I tell him. Christian did love him, it just took him a while to figure it out. "Your dad loved you just as much as I did."

"Where did Sam go Mom?"

" You know that is one of those mysteries that nobody really has the answer to. I can tell you where I think he is."

"Where?"

"Well, you know how the universe works? That all the stars and planets and flowers and clouds and everything is made up of the same thing? And when one thing dies it goes into making up something else?"

"Yeah."

"Well I think Sam is waiting to be a part something else. So when you see flowers or clouds or stars, Sam could be a part of all that."

"So Sam could be a star?"

"I think so. And I think his heart is still with us, because we all have a special place inside us where his heart lives."

"I think I feel Sam in my heart Mom." I see little tears in his eyes.

"That's good. He'll always be there for you." I wipe his little tears away. "It's okay to cry for Sam, Baby."

"I never saw him, but I think I miss him. 'Member I talked to him?" he rubs his little hands over his eyes.

"Yes , you did. We will all miss him Baby. But we had him for a little while and that's what counts." I smile down at him. "Does it all kind of make sense?"

"Yes ma'am." He nods. "Can I watch TV with you Mom?"

"You sure can. Here's the remote. Turn it on to whatever you want to watch." I feel I'm about to have to watch cartoons.

"Mama?" I can hear Grace as she pads into the bedroom. She grabs the edge of the bed. But can't quite get up. I can't help her and I don't want her to fall.

"Teddy, baby can you help Grace get up, please?"

"Do I have to?" he asks.

"Please?" I give him a sympathetic look.

"Geez. Okay." He crawls over and grabs Grace and helps pull her on to the bed. I can see her headed for my lap and grab her before she can land on me.

"Oww." I gasp. This may not be such a good idea. My breasts hurt every time she moves or touches them. They're responding to having a baby in my lap, too. I hope Gail can get to the store tomorrow to get my supplies. Maybe Christian can stay home long enough and take care of Grace to give her time to get into town. If I had gotten that other housekeeper hired, this wouldn't be a problem. I need to get back on that.

All this animation is driving me crazy, but I do love having both my children next to me like this. I have one arm around Teddy and cradle Grace in my other. I look up to see Christian walking through the door.

"Hi, baby! I'm so glad you're home." I tilt my head up for a kiss.

He walks over and leans down to give me a sweet hello kiss. Then he kisses Grace on her head and rubs Teddy's curls.

"Well if this doesn't look like a Hallmark card, almost." He says.

"Almost?" I ask him.

"Most cards don't have that." He motions toward me.

I look down and have soaked my gown. "Well, crap."

"Not to worry. The cavalry has arrived." He holds out his hand and there is a plastic shopping bag in it. "Here. I went shopping after I left work."

I reach up and grab the bag. Inside is a new breast pump and breast pads.

"Bless you Mr. Grey. Did you go shopping for this yourself?"

"Yep. When my wife is in need…"

"You mean the Christian Grey, billionaire CEO, actually went into a store and purchased a breast pump?"

"Well, I couldn't exactly send my assistant out for it." He smirks. "I was going to offer myself to help you out, and I'm still more than willing to offer my services, but you asked for a pump."

"As well as I remember, you didn't like it last time you tried that." I smirk at him.

"Tastes change. But even if they haven't, I'm more than willing to make the sacrifice to help you." He grins at me.

"I'll think about it." I roll my eyes at him. "I just can't thank you enough for getting this, baby. I'm just miserable."

"Here, let me take Grace and you go get cleaned up." He picks up his baby girl and extends his other hand to help me up.

I walk to the dresser and pick up a fresh gown then head to the bathroom and close the door to get washed up and changed. Then assemble the pump and relieve myself a bit. God, that feels better. I can't believe that Christian actually walked into a store, much less looked for and purchased a breast pump and supplies. That man never ceases to amaze me. I guess this is about as far as he can get from his sub days. From cuffs and whips to breast pads and pumps. Wonder which he liked better?

I finally emerge from the bathroom and Christian has taken my place on the bed next to Teddy and Grace is sitting on his lap engaged deep in conversation with him. I'm sure he is understanding about a tenth of what she is telling him. He just keeps nodding and agreeing with her. He is still in his dress slacks and white shirt, but his tie is loosened and his top shirt button undone.

I walk back out and crawl up on the bed with my little family. Teddy is still between Christian and me watching TV intently.

"How was your day?" I ask him.

"Okay I guess. I think I've appeased Ros." he tells me.

"Oh? How did you manage that?" I ask.

"I gave her a piece." He tells me.

I look surprised. "Excuse me? I didn't think Ros walked on that side of the street?" I smile at him.

He mouths, 'Fuck you' to me. "I gave her a percentage of the company."

"Oh?" That surprises me. " How much?" I ask.

"2.5 percent." He tells.

"2.5 percent? That's not very much."

"It is when the company is as large as this one is. 2.5 percent of a lot, is a lot," he tells me.

"Oh. Well did that make her happy?"

"I think so. She was agreeable." He rubs his hands over his eyes. "I probably should have done it a long time ago. She's been there since the beginning and deserves it. I just hated giving up any part of it."

"So, did her 2.5 percent come out of your half or my half?" I give him a big smile.

"Baby, my half and your half are the same thing. Unless you're planning on going somewhere."

"Now how could I ever leave a man that would walk in a store and buy me a breast pump?" I take his hand and lace my fingers through his.

Christian smiles at me and leans over and gives me a long slow kiss.

I see Teddy looking over warily. "You and Mom aren't going to sneeze are you?"

"No son." Christian laughs. "I need to sneeze, but we aren't going to."

He gives us a smirk and returns to his cartoons.

"Mr. Grey, you have created a monster." I shake my head and smile at him.

Christian picks up his phone after hearing it ping. "Hello Mother….yes she's doing pretty well, still sore…right….oh, really?...okay….oh, give us a couple of hours, we need to get the kids fed….okay…..bye mom."

"I assume that was your mother?"

"You would assume correctly. They want to come over and see you. I told her to give us a couple of hours to get the kids and taken care of."

"Okay. I need to get cleaned up I guess. I look awful."

"Baby, you just got home from the hospital. They don't expect you to look perfect."

"I know, but still, I feel like I should make the effort."

"Are you guys about ready for dinner?" He asks the kids.


"Hello Mother." Christian leans in and lets his mother give him a hug as he kisses her on her cheek.

"Hello, Sweetheart. How are you?" she asks him.

"We're good." He shakes Carrick's hand." Dad."

"Hello, son. Good to see you."

"Well come in. Anna and the kids are in the family room. Can I get either of you anything?"

"I'll have a gin and tonic if you have it." Carrick asks.

"Coming up. Mom? Anything for you?" Christian asks.

"I'd love an iced tea."

"You got it." Christian gestures to the family room. "Go on in and have a seat. I'll be right back with the drinks."

Grace and Carrick come in and Teddy runs to them. "Grandma Grace!" Teddy throws his arms out and falls into Grace's arms. She gives him a huge kiss. "Hello, baby. How are you?"

"I'm good, Grandma."

"Well, I see I'm back to Grandma. I like that." Grace notes.

Teddy gives his Grandpa Carrick a big hug and a handshake.

"Here you go dad." Christian has returned with Carrick's drink. "Mom, Gail will be in with your tea in a minute. Please sit down."

"Well, Darling, you look well. How are you feeling?" Grace asks me.

"I'm okay. Still tired and sore, but I'm sure this will all pass." I tell her.

She puts her hand on mine and gives it a squeeze and gives me a smile.

"Oh, before I forget, Louise has a sister that is looking for employment. She was working for the Carmichaels and they have gone to Europe for the summer. Her name is Myra. Since the Carmichaels go abroad every summer, she is looking for something year round. I knew you and Christian were looking for a housekeeper and I thought I'd recommend her." Grace tells us. "She has filled in for Louise on occasion and I can highly recommend her."

"That's great. If she's anything like Louise, she'd be perfect." I tell her.

"I still want her to go through the agency. She'll need to be vetted and we'll need a background check and NDA as well." Christian offers.

"Oh, Christian! Really." Grace admonishes him.

"Sorry, Mother. That's just the way it is," he shrugs.

"I can give you the address if you can have her send her resume in, I'd love to interview her. We really need someone."

"Good I'll let Louise know. She's really a sweet woman. I think you'll like her."

Gail brings in Grace's tea. "Can I get anyone anything else?"

"I think we're fine Gail. Thank you." Christian tells her.

Grace moves over next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. "How are you really doing, dear?"

"I guess I'm okay. Just sad, tired. My milk has come in and I'm pretty miserable. My incision is sore."

"I'm so sorry. Carrick and I have just been devastated over this. How is Christian taking it?" She asks.

"He's putting up a good front. I think he feels responsible for everything that's happened." I tell her.

"Well, I know we can't talk right now, but I want to come back when we can sit and talk about all of this," she whispers.

Great just what I need to rehash everything. "Sure. I'm here every day. Come by whenever."

"Let's talk about something happy?" I tell her. "How is the wedding coming?"

"Oh, I think we're well on the way. The invitations finally went out. I didn't think we were going to make it in time, but we got them all completed and mailed. Everything else is pretty much under control."

"That's great. I know Mia and Ethan are getting excited," I tell her.

"Well, I know Mia is. You know Ethan, he has that shrink mentality. Takes everything in stride, doesn't get bent out of shape about anything." She shakes her head. "I think Mia would like him to be more enthusiastic. He just sort of plods along."

"I think Ethan is just ready to get on with his life with Mia. They've been together so long that he's just ready for the next step," I tell her.

"You're probably right."

"Well, I don't want to tire you out. We really just wanted to come by and see how you were doing."

"I'm glad you did."

"If I can do anything, please call me, dear. This may be more difficult to get through than you think. Please ask for help if you need it," she tell me. "You and Christian both."

"We will. I promise, " I tell her.

"Good. I'll call you and we'll have that talk." She stands and adjusts her sweater. "Carry. Time to go, sweetheart. We don't want to tire these two out."

"But I haven't finished my drink," he tells her.

"You can have another when we get home."

Carrick turns his glass up and finishes off his gin and tonic.

"Okay. Now give me the car keys." Grace demands.

Carrick offers no resistance and hands them over. "Yes Dear."


Finally, in-laws gone and kids in bed. I'm piled up in the bed and Christian walks in wearing his drawstring PJ bottoms. He's carrying a tray with a bowl of popcorn and two champagne glasses.

"What are you doing?" I ask him.

"Movie time," he smiles.

He places the tray on the table and pulls the bottle of champagne from under his arm. "Fuck that's cold." He shivers as he takes the foil from the top and untwists the wire. He gently twists the cork and slowly pops it. He pours two glasses and hands one to me. He gives me the huge popcorn bowl and then takes a log stemmed red rose from the tray and hands it to me. Then he crawls up on the bed next to me and grabs the remote.

"Well, what shall we watch?" he asks.

"You just never cease to amaze me." I tell him.

"I try." He offers his glass for a toast. "Here's to us. The Greys. Loving faithfully, forsaking all others, through good times and bad, in sickness and health regardless of where life takes us, etcetera, etcetera for as long as we both shall live."

We clink our glasses and take a sip. And then Christian takes them and sets them on the nightstand. He pulls me close, "Come here, sweetheart." He tilts my chin up and stares into my eyes, blue to gray and seals his mouth over mine and kisses me with all the passion of the first kiss we ever shared. He brushes my hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead. "We're going to be fine, Mrs. Grey. We're going to be just fine."

A/N: Thanks for following this story of Ana and Christian. It continues in Book III, Fifty Shades Full Circle.