Author's Note: I heard this song while at Sonic this afternoon, and I knew it was a perfect fit with angsty Eli and his and Clare's drama. So, here it is! I know I have a lot of work to do on my other stories, and don't worry – I haven't neglected them. I have two partial chapters written (one for Christmas and one for Come Together) but I don't like how they turned out so I might rewrite them. Anyways, enjoy this song-fic! Love you guys!
Disclaimer: The song, "Blood" by In This Moment, does not belong to me. Nor does Degrassi, though I really wish it did. Also, there's a line that's a bit risqué. I changed it from "dirty girl" to "dirty boy" for Eli though, and I think it fits wonderfully (insert fangirl squee here). Anyways, each "chapter" will be a line from the song pertaining to Eli and Clare and their tumultuous relationship. Also, this story is set up kind of like my favorite book, Venom. So a shoutout to that book and to the brilliant man who wrote it!
Artist: In This Moment
Line: I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me
"So, are you totally stoked for Ninja Warrior Pirate Wrestling tonight?"
Eli Goldsworthy glanced up from his comic book and raised an eyebrow. Adam was standing over him with this huge grin planted on his face. He looked utterly ridiculous, and if it had been any other day at any other moment, Eli wouldn't have second-guessed ragging on him a bit for it.
"Well?" He pressed, and Eli folded his comic book closed, knowing that this was going to turn into a conversation and Venom would just have to wait for now.
"Yeah, Adam. Sure."
"You don't sound totally stoked," it was his turn to raise an eyebrow and Eli knew he couldn't hide from Adam. He always saw through whatever mask Eli tried to hide behind. This mask was aloofness; and Adam knew instantly that something was up. Normally Eli would have, indeed, been totally stoked for Ninja Warrior Pirate Wrestling…but not tonight.
"Did my two favorite lovebirds get into a fight?" Adam slid into the chair across from him, folded his arms on the table, waiting for Eli to spill. Eli couldn't help but think how sometimes he wished he could just get away from everyone for a bit, just to have some time alone. As soon as he glanced up and met Adam's eyes, he regretted that wish. Adam saw right through him, and sometimes, that's exactly what Eli needed.
"No, not really," he admitted, "She just…well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday and her parents always do this whole big celebration thing. I'm talkin' wearing Easter clothes and going to an Easter service at her church and then a huge family brunch after…"
"What's the problem?"
"The problem is," Eli scraped his teeth along his bottom lip, feeling the tingling of his scar that still hadn't quite faded yet after last year, "Even though she didn't come right out and say it, I know she wants me to be there. She wants me to be that boyfriend that will do the whole church thing with her, and the whole family brunch thing. That's who she wants, Adam. Not me."
"Clare wants you," Adam reminded him, "Don't be a dick and start thinking she doesn't. She loves you, Eli. You and I both know that."
"I just wish I could be the guy she wants…the guy she deserves. I wish I could be the guy that can dress up in the nice clothes and put a noose – I mean, tie – around my neck and go to church with her. But I'm just not that person, Adam."
"This isn't just about Easter, is it?" Adam asked sagaciously, and Eli looked off at a table behind them, not meeting Adam's eyes as his thumb grazed casually over the swollen puff of scar tissue on his lower lip.
"Eli?" Adam baited.
"I just…there's so much she's missing out on that I know she wishes she could have by having me as her boyfriend."
"Don't say that, man."
"Well, it's true," Eli still refused to meet Adam's eyes, "Adam, she's had to give up so much."
"Like…having a guy that's good enough for her."
"Stop it," Adam punched Eli in the shoulder, "It's just that dick of a disorder talking, Eli. Don't even think those thoughts, okay? You're good enough for her."
"I just put her through so much. The whole thing with Fitz and then when I crashed Morty…and I was so hateful towards her, Adam. I was so hateful towards her. She…she could be with anyone and she's with me."
"Exactly, because she loves you. With you is right where she wants to be."
Eli's face turned sour, "Did you really just say that? Don't go and get all love-poemy on me, Adam."
"Sorry," Adam chuckled, "But really…"
"Look, Adam," Eli finally met his eyes, "Do you mind if I just have some time to myself before tonight? I know I sound like an ass, but…"
"It's fine," Adam said, understandingly and Eli could just hug him for it, "Really. I know you've got a lot on your mind. Just be safe, okay?"
"I'll just be in my head."
"That's what I'm worried about," Adam hopped off the chair and said goodbye by punching Eli in the shoulder for a second time before heading out the door of The Dot. Eli was finally alone now, and instantly he regretted it. At least with Adam around, he had to get out of his head for a bit. Now, it was just him and the disorder.
She needs someone better. You're nothing but a jackass, Eli. She doesn't need you in her life. She needs someone so much better. You're not even half the man she deserves in her life. You're nothing, you know that, right? Absolutely nothing.
So while Clare is having a blast with her parents, trying not to think about how badly she wishes you could be there, you're going to be doing what? Sitting around probably reading comic books and drinking Mountain Dew. Yeah, that's' right – you're disgusting. You're so disgusting, so unworthy of her.
She's had to sacrifice so much for you, and what have you done to repay her? Exactly! She was there for you when you and Fitz had that epic battle of jackass proportions. She was there for you, telling you not to get in too deep; and she was still there with you when you did. She was there for you, by your side, when you almost got stabbed. She could have gotten fucking stabbed too, you asshole! Why didn't Fitz just aim the blade a little to the left, huh? Everything would be so much better if he did.
What else did you make her endure on account of you? Oh yeah, Morty! That fucking old piece of shit…should have fucking gone up in flames the second it crashed. Should have fucking taken you with it. You fucking called her and let her listen to you crash…you let her worry and wonder if you were alive or not. And then she left. It had been too much for her. You deserved for her to just leave. It was your punishment and you should have just taken it.
But no. You had to be a dick towards her. You were either ignoring her, or being a dick towards her. Those seem to be the only two things you're capable of doing to her…
No, no I love her. I…I love her.
Sure you do. Then explain to me why you put her through the things you do? Because you get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it? You love hurting her don't…
Stop it! Just fucking stop it already! I LOVE CLARE!
So then go to church with her and her family. Wear the tie and go to church. Oh, but you won't will you? Because you're an asshole.
I know, okay. You win. Happy? I'm an asshole. I won't go to church with her because I'm too damn stubborn. I think church is full of hypocrites who don't even know the meaning behind the vacant, barren words they recite each Sunday. I won't go, and it'll hurt her, and I'll do it anyways because I'm an asshole. You win.
I always win, Eli. You should know this by now.