Greetings Programs! I am The Layman, the ringmaster of this little endeavor if you will. For those of you new to my works, I have written many other stories aside from this one. For Humor aficionados, I recommend my Bleach cop AU, Cold Fuzz. If you want something a little darker, than I insist you try our Deteriorate, or perhaps the Empty Shell for the lighter eaters. If you want something not Anime inclined, I have a plethora of stories set in the Maximum Ride fandom.

Anyways, I got the idea for this story partially from my work on Elfen Lied: The Second Verse by Themulchmeister, and partially from watching an Abridged Series on YouTube. (I'll give you a hint: it has the word "Code" in the title.) Since I didn't really have anything better to write this summer (apart from Cold Fuzz...), I figured "Why not do Elfen Lied in the Abridged style?". So, this is what y'all are getting as a result.

So let's dive right into this thing, shall we?

Disclaimer: Elfen Lied is owned by ARMS, ADV Films, Madman Entertainment, and Lynn Okamoto. Please support the official release.

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Once upon a time there was a girl, we'll call her "Lucy". Lucy lived with her brothers Linus and Rerun, and always seemed to have a bone to pick (pun intended) with that stupid beagle that Charlie Brown had. She- Hang on a second, I seem to have the wrong Lucy here...Ah! Here's the right one! Let me try this again, *ahem*...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a girl called "Lucy"...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Ugh, I am so freaking BORED..., Lucy thought tiredly; she was currently wrapped in a full-body straightjacket, tied to a mattress that was suspended in a contraption that would make the harness from Silence of the Lambs jealous. That whole thing was sitting in a circular room about fifty feet wide, whose only distinguishing feature was a four foot thick steel door.

So as you can imagine, there wasn't a lot to keep her occupied. (She'd tried talking to the walls for a while, but they just hurled cat calls at her, so that didn't last long. The door just looked at her funny.)

What did I ever do to deserve this? ...Aside from killing all those people...and killing all those other people...and killing even more people...and killing all those cops...b-but aside from all the killing I was the textbook definition of perfect! She sighed heavily, tilting her head upwards. God? I don't know if you're real or not, but if you are real, then could you pleeeeeaaaaase give me something to stave off my boredom? I don't even care what I have to lose to get it either at this point...

Just as she was finishing up her silent prayer, the heavy vault door opened with a groan and in walked two Rent-A-Cop security guards, one of which was holding a long stick.

Thanks God, she told God quickly before turning to her new playthings.

"You ready for this, Joe?" one asked.

"Totally!" the one called Joe answered eagerly. "This is the best idea you've ever had Doug!"

"So do you want to poke her with the stick first or should I?" Doug asked.

"Hold that thought, I want to try something first." Joe reached onto his belt and pulled off a ring of keys, which he then proceeded to jiggle in front of her mask while cajoling her like one would a puppy.

He was apparently completely oblivious to the fact that the keys he was holding were the exact ones she needed to escape from this place.

I am gonna owe God big time for this...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elfen MENT

Episode 1: Mandatory Red Shirt Day

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Let us now introduce one of the many dead men walking- I mean, "minor characters", that will be appearing in this MENT. Her name is Kisaragi. She is the secretary to Professor Kurama, the manager of this facility, and she is currently on her way to the break room to get her boss a cup o' Joe.

"La lala, la lala!~" she sang, skipping down the corridor. When she reached the appropriate door she opened it up and leaped inside, doing a mid-air quadruple pirouette before landing with graceful perfection on both feet. She then flopped back dramatically in a chair and an unseen bucket of water poured down on her.

"Dramatic as usual, eh Kisaragi?" one of the other secretaries commented, handing the energetic young woman a towel.

"You know me," Kisaragi smiled, toweling off her hair, "always full of energy and bursting with life!"

"That you are," her friend said, tugging at the collar of her red T-shirt. "Seriously though, whose idea was it for 'mandatory red shirt day' anyway?"

"No idea," Kisaragi said as she wrung out her own red shirt, "Besides, I kind of like it; it adds some spontaneity to life... Now, to get that coffee!" She poured and mixed a cup of coffee, just the way she knew her boss liked it. (She even remembered to use the clown mug with the little umbrella he liked so much too!) She then put the cup on a small tray and began heading back to the office.

TRIP!

Only to fall flat on her face five steps later, the coffee flying.

"Dammit! That's the 78th time that's happened this week!" she moaned, gingerly picking the now empty mug with her thumb and forefinger.

"You know, I could help you with this..." her friend offered. For some strange reason whenever Kisaragi tried to bring her boss coffee she got clumsier than Jesse W. Haywood.

"No no, I can do this!" she declared, rinsing out the mug and pouring more coffee into it. "I'm going to bring him more coffee even if it kills me!"

!SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back with Not-Chi...

"Dammit! Why is there always an escape attempt of Mandatory Red Shirt Day?" one of the Rent-A-Guards asked, just before getting ripped apart by invisible hands.

"Jerry NOOOO!" the guard next him cried, sobbing, "And he only had two days left 'till retirement..."

And then he got ripped apart like an old ragdoll.

Oh gaaaawd it feels so good not to be in sadistic fairground ride anymore! Lucy silently proclaimed, ripping apart guard after guard she came across. Man, I have a lot of repressed aggression, don't I? she thought in a moment of remarkable self awareness. Still, it's been much easier than I thought it would be to get out of this place. And if I remember what that one guard I tortured for a bit said (He was in league with the walls, I know he was!...) then the exit should be right around this next-

She turned the corner, only to be met by a row of thirty guards, all pointing rifles in her direction. Also, Director Kurama was standing in the middle of the line.

Dammit! Lucy seethed silently, A human wall! My one weakness... For a moment no one moved, save for a lone tumbleweed that bounced between Lucy and the Guards. Also, it was accompanied by a short low-high-low whistle and the sound of a rattlesnake shaking its tail. Weird...

And then Kisaragi chose that moment to trip into the fray, quite literally, and land right in front of Lucy.

Hellooooo hostage! Lucy thought gleefully.

"Ow..." she said, a bit muffled. She picked herself up, muttering under her breath about clumsy she was.

That is, until she noticed the spilled cup on the floor.

"Aw man!" she whined, "And I was so sure the 95th time was the charm!"

"Kisaragi!"

The clumsy young woman turned to see her boss standing behind a wall of guards, utterly unaware of the danger she was in, "Oh hi Dr. Kurama, what are you doing here? And why are all these guards here too? Are you having a staff meeting?"

"Run away! Get out of here quick!"

"I'm really sorry I spilled your coffee; I know I must be making the expenses account for food go through the roof... But I almost got a third of the way to your office this time; I'm making progress!"

"Kisaragi are you ever listening to me?"

She wasn't listening to him.

"Oh, why do they have their guns out?" she wondered, finally starting to become aware of what was happening around her. "Is this a training exercise? Did I just wander into the middle of a firing range?"

"LOOK BEHIND YOU!" everyone shouted, finally fed up with the young woman's cluelessness. After she recovered from the Force-3 wind she turned to see what every was apparently making such a fuss about...

Only to be met by Lucy's massive breasts.

"Whoa! Those things are huge!" she exclaimed, her eyes bugging out.

Then Lucy twisted her head off.

"There," she said, addressing Kurama and the guards. She held up the severed head, "I shut her up for you. Can I leave now?"

"How about a part gift?" Kurama suggested. "Like a 21 gun salute!" As he said that the guard opened fire...

Lucy tossed the scalp away (eliciting a yowl from a cat accompanied by the sound of broken glass), swapping it out for the rest of Kisaragi's corpse.

It's a good thing Anime likes to screw with physics, she thought as the bullets riddling the limp, headless body, or some of those things might actually penetrate my meat shield and hit me. Since all she really had to do now was to wait for the idiot ahead of her to run out of ammo, then she could kill them at her leisure. However, since she was getting bored just thinking about how long she'd have to wait, she decided to fleece the corpse that was keeping her own person bullet free. Geez, she thought after few seconds of fruitless searching, I've seen fuller pockets at a nudist beach! No cell phone, no wallet, not even a freaking tube of lipstick! Doesn't she-

And then she struck (metaphorical) gold.

Ooh, a pen! Well, maybe I can hock it once I get out of this- PINK? Aw hell no; there's already gonna be more than enough pink as this series goes on. (bleep)k this bitch! She hurled the pink pen away from her in disgust, narrowly missing Kurama's head by inches.

The guard standing next to him wasn't quite so lucky...

Kurama stared down at the newest corpse, "Not Gerry, Jerry's bother! He only had one day left 'til retirement..." He quickly composed himself, "Quick, shoot her some more!"

"But we just ran out of bullets!" one of the nameless guards said.

"When did that happen?" Kurama demanded.

"Just after Gerry went down, sir."

"Hang on guys, maybe we're not completely out of bullets yet," another guard said, turning his gun around to look down the barrel.

BANG!

"Whadaya know!" Bugs Bunny exclaimed, "One bullet weft."

"For the record," Lucy said, holding her finger up, "I didn't kill that one."

"We don't need no stinking guns to win!" yet another guard announced, getting to his feet and charging towards Lucy, "OK let's do this, LEROOOOY! A-JEEEENKIIIINS!"

An invisible hand punched through his chest, sending his heart flying onto one of the guards behind him.

Not wanting to be the target for the rest of the raiding party, Lucy ominously continued forward, slashing whatever throats happened to be in directly in her way.

Alright Professor Kurama, she plotted as she tore out the throats of guards, how to go about killing you? I don't want you to die too quickly, you've given me too much pent up rage I need to take out... Hmm, maybe I'll start with the pinkie toe and work my way up the rest of his body. Though how to stop the blood loss before he loses a fatal amount...? Oh well, I'm here already, I'ma just wing it. Underneath her helmet she smiled gleefully, OK bitch, time to learn a whole new meaning of the word-

She walked right past him.

Why the (bleep) did I just walk past him? Dammit, turn the (bleep) back around and eviscerate him! Bad body, bad! Geez, I hope this won't become a recurring thing after I escape...

!MOAR SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!

"Close the blast doors, close the blast doors!" Kurama yelled into his radio, a two foot thick door descending just behind Lucy, effectively trapping her.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

In a dimly lit control room a figure sat, silhouetted by the light of the monitors he was watching. Or to be more specific, the nude chick on the monitors he was watching.

"Damn would I like to tap that..." he muttered dreamily as he pushed a bunch of randomly beeping and colorful buttons, opening another door that conveniently happened to be in the space Lucy was trapped in.

Someone's gonna lose their job over that one, I can tell. (Next thing you know they'll say that they couldn't find some way to shield that exhaust port on the Death Star from missile attacks.)

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Damn walls! Lucy raged, punching said walls with invisible fists, Make cat calls at ME, will you? She was so busy teaching the wall a lesson that she almost didn't notice the convenient plot door open up. YES! she cheered, sweet freedom! She hurriedly moseyed outside, making her way to the edge of the cliff the facility was built on.

Meanwhile, on an upper of the poorly designed facility...

Kurama and a sharpshooter he requested were peering out of a window, training their sights on the ssslllooowwwlllyyy escaping Diclonius.

"Hang on," the sharpshooter realized, "how did we get all this set up so fast? I mean, weren't we two floors down a second ago? And why is she walking so slow anyway? It's like she wants to get shot..."

"It's plot convenience," Kurama waved him off, "don't question it. Now, make this bullet count; she isn't going to give you a second shot."

"Not to worry sir," Nameless Guard #946 assured him, "I play CoD: Modern Warfare on Expert difficulty; there's no way in hell I'm gonna miss a shot this easy!"

Back with Lucy, she was getting onto a diving board, ready to leave this damn island (and its horny walls...) once and for all!

Almost there... she thought, leaping off the board in a graceful swan dive. And to think, I was worried that something was going to happen to prevent my scotch free-

CLANG! The bullet that the sniper fired hit her helmet/mask, causing it to break apart, revealing her long, luscious pink hair. (See? Told you there'd be pink.) As she tumbled towards the ocean she could feel the mother of all goose eggs forming, not to mention her intelligence slowly seeping away.

And just before she lost consciousness, she muttered "I hate God's sense of humor..."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

And now for something completely different.

An idyllic Japanese small town.

Welcome to Kamakura, a seaside community with many picturesque views. It's a fairly quite town, not a lot goes on around here.

And for one college student waiting by Gokurakuji Station for her stupid cousin to finally get here, the whole "nothing going on" thing was starting to get pretty annoying.

"Where is he?" she sighed, tapping her foot impatiently. "He was supposed to be here two minutes and 33.7 seconds ago...the hell is taking him so long!" She sighed heavily, "Is it too much to ask for me to spend some time with my cousin who I haven't seen in 8 years? For us to embrace each other tenderly while running our hands over our bodies, maybe with a little tongue action before he grabs my-"

An old couple were staring aghast at her.

"Oh like you've never had those thoughts about your cousins before!" she scolded as they awkwardly shuffled away. Once the old couple was gone she sighed again, this time in annoyance, "Great, now I'm too worked up to stand around here waiting... I know; I'll do a pointless walking montage! Maybe Kouta will be here by the time I'm done!" So she headed off, walking aimlessly to whatever picturesque scenery she could find to pad out the time.

Twelve hours later, she was at the stairs that lead up to the old inn that her family owned.

And guess who was climbing those stairs?

"Kouta!" she cried, rushing up her cousin and embracing him. "Oh it's been so long!..."

"Yeah, OK, sure," Kouta said, clearly uncomfortable at being glomped. "Um...who are you again?"

SMACK!

"OW!" he cried, rubbing his face, "What was that for?"

"Dummy you forget about me, didn't you?" she scolded, hands on her hips. Then she calmed down a bit, "I'm Yuka."

"Who?"

"Your cousin."

"Who?"

"From the fair?"

"Who?"

"You used to visit me here every year."

"Who?"

Seeing that this was going nowhere, Yuka decided to change tactics. She sighed; she really didn't want to have to play this card... "The clingy girl who was always pestering you about marriage..."

"Yuka!" Recognition dawned on Kouta's (throbbing) face, "Wow, it really has been a long time, huh?" Well, the worst was over now. "So are we cool now?"

SMACK! (Again!)

"Now what did I do?"

"You're late!" Yuka was back in rage mode, "I was waiting for you for twelve hours! What the hell took you so long?"

"What do you mean, 'what took me so long'? I just got in a few minutes ago!"

"Yes," Yuka agreed, "but you were supposed to be here by 6:00!"

"P.M.," Kouta explained, "the letter said I would arrive by 6:00 P.M."

It was 6:31 P.M. now.

"Anyways, when I got in no one was waiting for me at the station, so I decided to go check out the place I'll be staying." He held up a paper with a crudely drawn map on it, "You weren't waiting for me since 6:00 A.M., were you?"

"No...~"Yuka said through a clearly pasted on smile. Her left eyebrow twitched a little. "I certainly didn't walk all over town for twelve hours in a pointless montage either!~"

"Whatever," Kouta shrugged. "Anyways, you think you could help me with these directions? It looks like a five year old drew them."

"Sure!~" she chirped, grabbing him by the arm.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

"Um, Yuka? This is the beach."

And the beach it was!

"That's right Kouta!" she cheered, patting him sweetly on the head, "You're such a smart boy; you get a cookie!" He swatted at her, and she gave up treating him like an infant. She looked out at the sea longingly, "Remember when we used to play here?"

"Mmhmm," Kouta nodded, "You, me, and Kanae always came here when we visited, huh?" He turned and looked out to sea as well, "I remember the last time we were here; Kanae was collecting all those seashells..."

Then the scene faded into a flashback, complete with echo-ey audio.

"Look at all the pretty seashells I found Big Brother!" Kanae held up a handful of ratty shells. "Aren't they great?"

"They stink!" Kouta sneered. "You're stupid if you think theseare any good; go find a better one!"

"Grrrr!" Kanae lunged at Kouta, threatening him with words that a six year old should not yet know.

Yuka chose this moment to return with a picnic basket.

"Kouta-chan, Kanae-chan, I'm back! There's enough bento in hereto last us- WAAAGH! Kanae-chan, don't rip that off; I'm gonna need it some day!"

And then it abruptly cut back to Kouta and Yuka in present day.

"That day sucked..." He shook his head to rid it of the unpleasant memory when he felt his cousin tapping him on the shoulder, "Yuka please, I'm-" He looked over at her and saw that she was staring straight ahead, pointing at something. He followed the direction her finger was pointing...

Standing just ahead of them was a girl about as old as they were with long pink hair.

She was also stark friggin nude, too.

"Yuka?"

"Yeah?"

"Was this a nudist beach back then too?"

"Nooo it wasn't."

"Well it is now..."

Kouta and Yuka continued to stare at the spontaneously appeared naked girl. They wanted to look away, but...Damn!were those things huge! Seriously, you could win prizes at the county fair with those melons!

Meanwhile, Lucy (Could it reallybe anyone else?) was beginning to come to; though her hair was mostly in her eyes, she could still tell where the two humans stood in front of her.

Ugh, more witnesses... she groaned. I hate killing witnesses before I've had my morning coffee...Now, what would be a good line to kill them with?...Ooh, I know! She slowly lift her head and said the most terrifying thing imagin-

"Nyu~...?"

"..."

"..."

...What the (bleep)? she thought, I didn't want to say that. Why would I say something like that? What does that even mean? It's like I have brain damage or som- Fuuuuuuuuuu-

"Could...you repeat that?" Kouta asked, not quite he heard right the first time.

Crap I forgot about the humans! Well, no use putting it off any longer... Body, eviscerate the humans!

Lucy's body turned and started to run away, only to face-plant on the sand after running four steps.

And then started sobbing.

Oh this is gonna be fun, I can just tell.

Note the sarcasm.

"Kouta quick; take your clothes off!" Yuka said, turning her cousin away from the crying, sobbing, naked girl.

"The hell Yuka! Why should I-"

"Don't question me, just do it!" Kouta was about to protest further when a realization dawned on him.

"Oh,because we can't just let her walk around in her birthday suit; good thinking Yuka."

"Yeah..." Yuka replied with shifty eyes, "because that's why I want you to strip, totally... and not just because I'm horny right now and want a sneak peak at later tonight..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing!~"

So after about ten minutes they had successfully clothed the naked girl they found.

"Um, Yuka? I don't think this is gonna work out so well..."

He was clad only in his boxers now; all the rest of his clothes were on the girl.

And after two minutes of arguing and another five minutes getting at least the pants and one of the shirts off the new girl and back on Kouta everyone was happy.

"Hey check out these out," Yuka said (after Kouta finished zipping up his pants), pointing at the bony, white protrusions on the girl's head, "they look kind of like horns."

"Maybe she was wearing a costume before," Kouta suggested.

"Well they look cute; I'm gonna try them on!" She tried to take the horns off, but found they were attached to the girl's head. "Maybe she glued them on or something..."

"Actually," Kouta said in light of this new discovery, "there is the possibility that their real, and that they could THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YUKA!"

Yuka had her foot propped against the back of the pink haired girl's head, pulling at the horns with all her might.

"Come...off...damn...you!..." she grunted.

Inside of her mobile and marginally self aware prison, Lucy wasn't liking this one bit.

Cut it out already; stop pulling at my horns! I can still feel what happens to my body in here you know- OW! Not good! Bad human, bad! Oh, you're gonna die a slowly and painful death you are...

After Kouta was able to pry his cousin away from the poor girl, he suddenly got hit by this weird feeling of Deja-vu; everything started to look trippy, and he could swear he saw a silhouette of a young with...were those...horns?

"-And that's why Kiss X Sis is the best Anime ever!" he snapped out of it just at the tail end of Yuka's speech. "Don't you agree, Kouta?"

"Huh...what? Sorry, I blanked out there for a second." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"I said," Yuka growled, "you like Kiss X Sis too, don't you?"

"Uhhh..." Kouta stammered, now standing in a pool of his own sweat. "Iyyy-i-i-i-i-Why don't we all go back to your place Yuka?" he hurriedly suggested, hoping with all his might that his scary monster- COUSIN! would take the bait.

"OK," Yuka said, suddenly returned to normal. Kouta let out a huge sigh of relief, "but let's go somewhere else; my mom doesn't let me bring stray pets home anymore."

So I'm a pet now, huh? Lucy seethed. Oh the ways I know how to kill a person...

"Really? Why not?"

"Well..." she said, triggering another flashback sequence.

"YUKA!" her mother called, holding a chair out protectively in front of her, "get this...BEAST out of my house this INSTANT!"

"But Mommy," Yuka whined, holding up the cute little kitten she'd found on her way home from school, "he's so cute~!" She nuzzled it against her cheek. It mewled.

"I don't care if it's the last of it's kind, if it's not good and gone in three seconds, then we are having home cooked Chinese food for dinner. Do I make myself clear?"

"Let's just say my mom had a bad experience as a kid and she made me an offer I couldn't refuse..." Yuka explained hesitantly, now back in the present. Then she perked up, "But I have a better idea!"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

What Yuka had decided was that they head to the place where Kouta would be boarding for his stay in Kamakura. It was an older (yet still very impressive) building with traditional looking architecture.

"Will I even be able to afford this?" Kouta wondered, taking the old building in. He hung his head, drooping, "I was barely able to afford the last apartment I had..."

"My folks bought this place after it went out of business, but they've been too busy with other things to get it business ready yet." She turned and smiled at her cousin, "They said you don't have to worry about paying rent as long as you keep the whole place clean!~" Then she remembered something, "Oh, and the garden too!~"

Kouta looked at the place again and fell over sideways with a hollow "Donk!" sound.

"Kouta?"

Meanwhile Lucy was having another conflict with her body. Whilst the strange humans she had wound herself up with continued their banter, the pink haired killer's body continued staring dazedly at the falling cherry blossoms (and did I mention they were pink?)

They're just cherry blossoms; I don't get it! And they're GODDAMN PINK to boot! I can't comprehend why people find them so... Hey! Body, sto- Body, stop staring at the dead petals! Geez,I hope nobody's watching me watching these stupid leaves or else I might have to gouge out their eyes and feed it to them in a cup of instant ramen after I shove them up their-

OK, LET'S CHENGE THE SUBJECT!

Soon they entered the main building and Kouta noticed an old Grandfather Clock standing next to a large vase (that was strangely devoid of flowers).

"Cool clock Yuka!" he called.

"I guess so," Yuka called back from further in, "I think it's broken though; nothing happens whenever we try winding it."

"It looks pretty old..." Kouta ran his hand along the face of the clock.

"You can sleep in here!" Yuka said, poking her head out of one of the doorways. And I hope you like the extras I threw in just for you...

"Um..." Kouta went over and inspected the room, "this room doesn't have a door."

"Really?~ What a coincidence!~" Yuka said a little too cheerfully. "That's not going to be a problem I hope?"

"I don't-"

"NYUUU!~" Since they stepped inside the old place the pink haired girl had been fidgeting nigh uncontrollably, not that either of the two teens noticed. Nearing the end of her limit she desperately tried to get her two caretakers to notice. "Nyu nyu nyu nyu nyu!~" She slumped down to the floor.

"What's that girl?" Yuka asked, bending down, "little Timmy fell in the well again?" She got back up and looked confusingly at Kouta, "But I don't even know a Timmy..."

"Look," Kouta said, getting down to the pink haired girl's level, "we don't know who Timmy is Miss...What should we call you anyways?"

"It is going to be rather hard to communicate with you if we can't call you anything." Yuka adopted a thinking pose, "Let's see; you're around our age, your hair's a shade of red, and we found you on the beach, so..."

If you say what I think you're going to say...

"Miyuki Takara!"

Oh, she didn't say-

"Or was that Ariel?"

GAAAAAH!

"What about 'Chi'?" Kouta suggested.

"Why Chi?" Yuka wondered.

"I don't know; it just came to me for some reason..." He mulled it over for a minute, "Nah, it feels like I'm stealing from someone else if we call her that."

Dodged that bullet, Lucy sighed in relief.

"Well then what should we call her?"

"Nyu!~"

"I can't think of anything else..."

"NYU!~"

"It's like there's something on the tip of my tongue, but..."

"NyuuUUuuUUuuUUuUuuUUU!~"

"...Nope, nothing."

"NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU NYU!~"

Lucy's body didn't really care what they called her, so long as they finally paid attention to her plight dammit!

With the rate they're going they might as well just call me "Nyu" or something like that, Lucy shrugged. (Though how one could do that within one's own mind was a bit of a mystery.)

"How about we just call her Nyu?" Kouta suggested. "It's not the worst thing we've come up with."

...Kill me now God, please?

"Nyu...~"

"I think she likes it!" Yuka smiled.

No I don't, Lucy pouted.

"Now all we have to do is fix up a room for Nyu and we can-"

Splch.

Yuka froze, slowly looking down; he foot was standing in a growing puddle of murky yellow liquid with Nyu in the epicenter.

As disgusting as this is TAKE THAT, BITCH!

"Kouta-you-stay-here-and-clean-this-up-while-Nyu-and-I-take-a-bath-kay-thanks-bye!" Yuka shouted, rushing off to the bathroom and dragging Nyu behind her in the wind. Kouta sighed, drooping his shoulders as he trudged off to get the cleaning supplies.

When Yuka reached the bath she threw Nyu in without preamble before stripping her own clothes off and stepping in herself.

"Ahhhh..." she sighed contentedly, "sweet cleanliness..." She looked over at Nyu, who was enamored with the bubbles. "She seems to be enjoying herself."

Lucy on the other hand...

For once you did something right, Tentacle Fodder; with the male Tentacle Fodder out of the way I can kill you dead without any witnesses! The water was a nice touch, since now I can just drown you and make it seem like you accidentally STOP EATING THE BUBBLES, BODY!

Eventually Kouta finished scrubbing the urine of the floor justas Yuka and Nyu stepped out of the bath.

"Good job Kouta!" Yuka marveled, "If you clean the rest of the house this good we can open this place back up!"

"The *gulp*...rest of the house?" Kouta blanched. He was about to faint again when he noticed something about the clothes Nyu was wearing, "Is that one of my t-shirts? And...WHY IS SHE WEARING MY UNDERWEAR!"

"Don't have a cow, dude," Yuka tried to calm her cousin down, "you brought more than one pair, right?"

"THAT ISN'T THE POINT!" Kouta continued screaming. "Couldn't you let her borrow a pair or yours or something?"

"Maybe, but then I'd have to go all the way back to my house to fetch them. Besides, yours were already here, and I didn't want her walking around bottomless for the rest of the night."

These were good points.

"I'll just buy her some of her own later," she said, waving off the argument. "Now who's hungry? I've got a ton of riceballs that aren't going to eat themselves!" They all filed into the dining room eager to tear at the grub. Yuka poured the riceballs (which were all individually wrapped) onto the table unceremoniously and announced "Dig in!~" She and Kouta each grabbed a riceball and unwrapped them, biting into them contentedly.

Nyu just stared at the tinfoil wrapped balls of rice intently.

I don't get what's so interesting about those things,Lucy said, ...not unless you're trying to make them spontaneously explode with your mind! Brilliant! I knew you weren't completely useless! If it works we can use it on the next ones they take...

"Hey Kouta," Yuka asked, wiping some stray grains of rice from her mouth, "where do you think Nyu came from? And for that matter what was she doing naked on a beach?"

"You got me," Kouta shrugged, popping the last of his own riceball into his mouth. "Maybe she's from a secret research facility and she somehow escaped and ended up here."

They both looked at Nyu, who was now greedily (and messily) chomping on a riceball of her own.

"Pssh, naaah!" they both said.

"You're like a toddler," Yuka said as she wiped Nyu's mouth with a napkin. "Haven't you ever had riceballs before?"

"Here." Kouta took a riceball and unwrapped it, holding it up for Nyu to see, "You hold them like this, see?"

Nyu stared in rapture at the simple food, then help her mouth open expectantly. Kouta sweatdropped.

"I think you might be right, Yuka."

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (meaning the secret facility Lucy escaped from), Kurama and a new woman were surveying Ground Zero, or what the rest of the staff called the "Mandatory Red Shirt Day from HELL!".

"...And those are just the figures from thisbreakout," the woman explained, "I mean, just the condolence checks to all the victim's families could set us back irrecoverably; and that's not even counting the repair and restocking costs, plus all the complaints and petitions to disband Mandatory Red Shirt Day... Professor are you even listening to me?"

Kurama was currently cradling the severed head of Kisaragi (which was kind of starting to smell now...), promising vengeance.

"Don't you worry Sara, I'll make sure your death wasn't in-"

"Her name was Kisaragi," the women reminded him bluntly.

"Quiet Replacement Kisaragi!" he snapped, "Can't you see I'm trying to mourn the loss of Jessica here?" He turned back to the head, "I'll make sure your death wasn't in vain Amelia..." His piece said, hedrop-kicked the head down the hall (another cat yowled) before turning back to face Kisaragi #2, straightening his tie as he did so. Now that that's out of the way, I think the first order of business is to track down and kill Lucy."

"You don't want to capture her again?" Kisaragi 2 wondered. "You know, so you could take revenge on the thing that killed Kisa-"

"Brittany!"

"...'Brittany', with your own two hands?"

"No no," he assured her, "just knowing she's dead is satisfaction enough for me. Now go get our Secret Ninja Team and bring them to my office at 1900 hours; I want to brief them personally."

"Then perhaps I should draw your eyes to this particular complaint before I do that," she said, handing him a paper from the folder she was holding. "I was going to bring it up anyways."

"Let's see here..." Kurama said as he started to skim the paper, bringing it up to his face and adjusting his glasses. "Blah blah 'unsatisfactory working conditions' blah blah blah 'underpaid' blah blah- 'NO TV IN THE BREAK ROOM'! Now that's just unreasonable!" Kurama pinched the bridge of his nose, "Fine, send one of the other killing teams then."

"Actually, just about all the other killing teams handed in similar letters, along with their declarations of resignation." She paused for a moment, thinking. "The Special Assault Team are the only ones who haven't given any indication of running away."

"Then send them already! Hell, I'll even splurge for a TV in the break room if it'll keep them on longer!" Then an idea suddenly struck him, "Say, how good are you at making coffee?"

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Later, at the S.A.T. Training room...

"So you're saying this Bandou guy is good?" Kurama asked, sipping his coffee Kisaragi 2 had made him. (It was quite excellent, too.)

"Absolutely!" the tech praised, "He's at the top of all the squad leaderboards for Call of Duty, Halo, Gears of War, Killzones 2 and3, and Duck Hunt; he even got a 100% hit ratio on the Time Crisis games."

"Very interesting..." Kurama looked through the partisan at the training field where Bandou was currently running simulations. "May I ask why he's wearing a Virtual Boy while he does that?"

"It's his own specialized regime," the tech explained, "we feed him gameplay footage while he does the course." The tech suddenly became sullen, "He's the only one who's eyes were spared..."

Down in the field, Bandou fired at every target that was set in front of him, all while watching iridescent red on black footage of Wario Land dance before his eyes. (If the dancer was a contortionist...) He shot up the rest of the targets, then shot all the ones that were supposed to be the "hostages" that he was rescuing.

"Bandou, what the hell are you doing?" the tech shouted, "Those targets detract from your score when you shoot them, not add to it!"

"Screw you!" Bandou shouted back, ripping off the Virtual Boy and shooting the tech a double bird, "I've been doing these sim runs forever; I want a real mission where I can shoot real people! My last one was like..." He thought for a moment. "...Two whole days ago; I want more!" Then he made for the exit, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drop a log that feels about five miles long."

A moment later reappeared through the door of the control room.

"(bleep)damn that was refreshing..." he sighed, leaning against a railing. "Anyways, if I don't get a real mission soon I'm gonna-"

"How would you like to help up kill a dangerous murderer?" Kurama asked.

"Hellz yeah! When do we leave?"

Well that was easy.

"Just like that?"

"Just like that..." Bandou grinned in contentment. "However I've got one condition." He held up a finger (don't worry, it's the point finger this time) to illustrate his point. "I want a TV for the break room."

Kurama bristled.

"Tell you what," he said, managing to keep his cool, "bring me back distinctive proof that the murderer is dead and I'll even have Cable put in as well."

"Distinctive how?" Bandou wondered, "Like a finger or something?"

"Or something..." Kurama said, shifty eyes. "Trust me, you'll know when you see it."

"Mr. Bandou?" a young woman said from behind the man mountain, "I have those celery sticks you said you want-"

BAM! Bandou backhanded the woman with a slap that would make pimps jealous, sending her flying clear across the room.

"Bitch I said bring me carrot sticks, CARROT STICKS! Don't you know I need to keep my eyes in perfect condition for this job? If my eyes didn't work then I wouldn't know what to shoot at, would I?" He took a mirror out of one of the pockets on his vest and gazed longingly at it. "Damn I love my eyes..."

?DO I EVEN NEED TO MENTION IT AT THIS POINT?

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Back at the Maple Inn the weather had spontaneously decided to turn to rain.

"Geez this rain just came out of nowhere, huh?" Yuka said as she came back into the dining room, broom in hand. "Anyways I did a little light sweeping and fixed up a room of Nyu to sleep in."

"Thanks a lot Yuka." Kouta was busy going though his backpack, taking inventory.

"Don't get used to it though, this was just a little welcome gift; from now on you're on your own, bitch!"

Kouta sighed. "Thanks for reminding me..." he said sarcastically. Wanting to take his mind off the hours of cleaning ahead of him, he decided to turn to the focus to the third member of their party. "So what are we gonna do with Nyu?"

"Maybe we should take her to the police or something," Yuka suggested. "You know, after she's been housebroken..."

Kouta would have made a counter proposal if not for the sound of something falling out of his backpack.

"Nyu, what were you doing going through my stuff?" he asked as he surveyed the damage. Apparently a small box fell out and broke open; on the floor was a gleaming, salmon colored seashell.

"Is that what I think it is?" Yuka asked, leaning over to look at the shell as Kouta retrieved it.

"It is," Kouta brought the shell closer to his face, "it's the shell Kanae found that day..."

Flashback time again!

"Here..." Kanae stood in front of her cousin and her (stupid) brother, covered in grime; she held up the spoils of her search for all to see, "Is this good enough for His Majesty?"

"Wow Kanae, that's really cool!" Yuka praised. She looked over to Kouta, emittingominous waveseven though she was smiling, "Isn't it, Kouta?"

"S-s-sure it is!" he answered, trying his best to sound genuine. He patted his little sister on the head, "Nice job!"

"Thanks!~" Kanae giggled. She held the shell out to her brother, "Keep it then; it's your present!"

"I can't keep this!" Kouta looked aghast, "It's pink; guys aren't supposed to have pink things!"

"Kouta," Kanae growled, "I just spent THREE HOURS looking for this; I'm tired, my clothes are dirty, I was stung by a wasp, and I had to fight off a FREAKING SHARK for this shell! You're going to take this, or I'll shove it right up your-"

"After that she got sick and died." He held the shell just a little bit tighter, "But with this I'll always remember all the good times we had." He closed his eyes now, "It just felt right to bring it with me..."

During (and before) the flashback, Nyu stared at the shell with determination, as if all the mysteries of the universe were contained within.

What a stupid shell...

Lucy on the other hand...

Nyu plucked the shell from Kouta's hand, still staring intently at its-

Krk.

"..."

"..."

...And snapped it in two.

Well done, Body! Lucy congratulated as Nyu beamed. You little vandal you! Now, do the same thing with their heads!

"You bitch!" Kouta screamed, grabbing Nyu by the collar of her (borrowed) shirt, "You (bleep)ing (bleep)! I just said that shell was a memento of my dead sister; why did you do that? ANSWER ME, (bleep)DAMMIT!"

"Kouta, calm down!" Yuka cried as she pried her cousin off the helpless Nyu.

"Just get out of here!" he continually shouted, Yuka holding him back, "We don't need your kind; evil memory or their dead sister shell breakers aren't welcome here!"

Nyu ran out of the house, crying all the way.

...And then a shot of the Grandfather clock for some reason? I don't know...

Anyways, we cut back to Kouta and Yuka, the former sitting with his back against the wall while the latter stared in the direction Nyu vanished in.

"I think you might have been too hard on her," Yuka said, "she was only doing what she thought would make you happy again."

"What, are you gonna shove some Freudian lecture down my throat about it?" he asked accusingly.

"No," she said, pulling him up by the ear, "I'm just going drag you behind me while we go searching for her!~"

So the intrepid duo went off to search for Nyu, Yuka beaming and Kouta going "Ow ow ow!" all the way.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

In da Choppa, Bandou and the rest of the SATs were waiting around for the darn thing to get to wherever it was taking them so they could get this mission over with and enjoy the new TV in the break room.

Bandou was holding his gun, which was polished to a sheen, and was looking at the reflection of his eyes.

"Oh Eyes, I hope I never need glasses..."

"Prima donna..." one of the other SATs muttered under his breath.

Unfortunately, Bandou heard him.

"I'm sorry," he said, pointing his gun at the SAT's throat, "I thought I heard you sneeze or something."

"DUDE, WHAT THE CRAP!" the SAT screamed, doing his best to keep his bowls under control.

"Ahh I'm just joshin' you," Bandou chuckled jovially, "The gun's not even loaded!" In emphasis he pulled the hammer back and squeezed the trigger.

BANG!

The SAT fell over dead.

"Oh, guess I did have it loaded after all; silly me!" Bandou shrugged, returning to his seat.

"If you ladies are done playing grab ass," the mission commander said, "then lock and load; we're almost to the insertion point."

To be continued...

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Episode 1: Mandatory Red Shirt Day, end.

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Jesse W. Haywood (played by Don Knotts in The Shakiest Gun in the West) is a city-slicker, frontier dentist in the old west who can hardly go five minutes without causing something to go comically awry.

"One bullet weft" is part of a Looney Toons sketch with Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd in which Elmer apparently runs out of ammo, causing Daffy to grab the gun, stare into the barrel, and promptly have his beak blown around backwards by the last shot that spontaneously goes off.

In Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, one of the missions has you sneaking through Chernobyl, sniping an enemy VIP, and holding ground until your extraction chopper arrive.

"Kiss X Sis" is an Ecchi anime about two twin sisters who have to romance their younger stepbrother for some reason. I don't know why, I don't care why...it's incest, let's just leave it at that. (Though you can see why Yuka likes it...)

Miyuki Takara, one of the four main characters of the anime Lucky Star, has light, pastel pink hair. As far as I know, she has no similarities to Ariel of The Little Mermaid whatsoever.