And so we come to the second chapter of Elfen MENT. It's the only second chapter of this story, so feel honored. In fact, you should be prostrating at my feet for having the grace and benevolence to allow you to-

Whoa, sorry about that; took a second for my meds to kick in.

Anyways, another quick plug before we start, still for Elfen Lied: The Second Verse. I know the author worked really hard on it (as did I, cleaning up after him; candy wrappers EVERYWHERE I tell you!) and really appreciates any and all reviews for it.

One more thing. I'd like to take this opportunity to plug Blood Minus by Dilly-Oh. It does the same thing with the anime Blood+ that I'm doing with Elfen Lied, and it's hilarious to boot! I highly recommend watching Blood+, and then reading the accompanying chapter afterwards. You're in for a very treat, take my words.

And now that that's out of the way, let's dive right into Elfen MENT Episode 2! But first, a disclaimer!

Disclaimer: Elfen Lied is owned by ARMS, ADV Films, Madman Entertainment, and Lynn Okamoto. Please support the official release.


When we last left off, Yuka was dragging Kouta behind her in search of a distraught Nyu ("Yuka, stop pulling; I don't want to end up like Van Gogh!"), Bandou was eager to finally kill real people ("Aw yeah, Bandou gets to cap a bitch!"), and Nyu was running who knows where in the rain (Finally ditched those blithering idiots, Good work Body! ...Now if only you were smart enough to get out of the rain.).

And now...the continuation!


Elfen MENT

Episode 2: What Multiple Personalities?


We open in a pile of junk, where a young girl in an oversized sweater had constructed a rudimentary living quarters.

Remember what she looks like, because we'll be seeing her again real soon; she might even become a main character, not to spoil anything.

But enough about her for now, let's get back to da Choppa with Arnold- I mean Bandou and the SATs.

"Alright," the CO said, reading from a clipboard, "the target we're after uses an unidentified weapon with a two meter effective range, so don't get too close when you- What is it Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon?"

A lone hand was raised at the far end of the benches.

"Nothing sir," the Sargent said, "It's just that...from this angle you kind of look like a monkey."

The rest of the SATs snickered at this.

"I'm well aware that my face has an unusual bone structure Sargent," the CO bristled, his eyebrow twitching. "Just for that, you're on Bandou's team when we hit dirt. Now if you ladies are done with the questions we can- Bandou, if this is about you getting paired with Gonna-Die-Soon..."

"Actually I was gonna call bull[censor] on your briefing," Bandou explained, "How do you know this 'weapon' has a two meter effective range when it's still unidentified?"

"Because two meters is the closest anyone's got to the target before being killed, now shut up and let me continue my briefing."

"Tch, wh'evs," Bandou scoffed before leaning back against the wall of da Choppa.

"...Anyways, the local police have already been scrambled and are searching the city top to bottom. Once we start getting 'officer down' reports we'll move in and-" Bandou suddenly got up and made his way towards the rear hatch. "Hey! Get back here Mister; don't make me turn this helicopter around!"

"Go screw yourself!" Bandou shouted as he opened the hatch, wind mixed with the sound of the propeller blades roaring inside, "I'm not waiting for someone else to find this guy. Later bitches!"

"Actually the target's a-" But it was useless, as Bandou had already jumped out and was now running across the beach.

"How did he survive that?" Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon wondered, watching his now partner jogging off, "We're still like...120 feet in the air!"


Farther down the beach Nyu was digging in the sand, undeterred by the rain pelting her or the occasional wave that splashed her, filling up the hole she was digging.

Look Body, I appreciate that you want to find some money for a bus out of here, but couldn't you wait until it at least stops raining? I'm getting soaked, and when my hair finally dries out it's gonna have MAJOR split ends that will just be impossible to- Oh god, I just had a girly thought; I think I'm gonna hurl...

Still Nyu continued on, willing herself to go on until she found the object of her search.

Meanwhile, back at the Maple Inn, Kouta (who had managed to save his ear from his cousin's evil clutches) was standing by the Grandfather clock, rubbing his ear; his cousin's words echoing in his mind.

"Kouta you will go find Nyu and apologize or so help me I will tear off your-"

He shuddered slightly at the memory.

"Maybe I should apologize," he reasoned, "if only so Yuka doesn't rip my balls off, cut them up, and then serve them to me in a tuna roll or something."

Before he could shudder again he heard someone knock on the front door.

"I bet that's Nyu," he thought, marveling that his problems would be over so quickly. He rushed to the door and slid it open with a grand flourish, announcing "All is forgiven Nyuuuuuuu...oh."

It was only a couple guys in shirts and ties wearing trench coats.

"Isn't it a little early in the year for you Jehovah's Witnesses to be doing this?"

"We're a couple of police detectives," the older of the two men standing outside the door said, holding up an official looking badge that simply said 'Detective'. "Mind if we ask you a few questions?'

"Didn't this place use to be vacant?" the other detective asked, poking his head in the door and looking around the immediate vicinity.

"I just moved in here," Kouta explained. "Is that one of the questions you wanted to ask me?"

"Actually we're looking for someone," the older man said, holding out a photo of a girl in what looked like a hospital gown who had long pink hair and small horns on her head. "Have you seen this girl around?"

Sound like anyone we know?

"Why," Kouta asked innocently, "is she in trouble for anything?"

"Well, she's-"

"Don't answer his questions!" the younger man exclaimed, "He's supposed to answer ours!" He grabbed Kouta by his collar, "Spill kid; you obviously know something about this girl, so cough it up!"

"Hey, calm down man!" the older man cried, grabbing his partner by his coat and pulling him back. "We're just asking the kid some questions, not giving him the fifth degree!" He turned to Kouta, "My apologies for my partner here, sometimes he gets a little overzealous about his jobs when he has too much to drink. And no, this girl isn't in any trouble; she's just a missing person."

Kouta mulled this over for a minute. "No," he said eventually, "I have haven't seen anyone like that around here."

"I see," the detective said as he lead his partner back to their car, "well, call us if you do see her." He gave Kouta a cordial wave goodbye, then turned back to his partner, "I knew it was a bad idea to let you have those seven tall ones before we started this search..."

As the detective left the Inn property, Kouta let out a nervous laugh. "I just lied to the cops," he realized. "Though it's not like I'll ever see them again..." His guilt temporarily assuaged he grabbed one of the umbrellas with the Inn's logo on it and headed out in search of his missing pet- I mean to look for Nyu. "I guess I'll have to earn the right to keep my balls the hard way tonight..."


Back with Bandou and Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon, the latter had finally caught up to the former and was relaying their position to the CO.

"Copy that," the Sargent said before addressing his partner. "Command says to remind you that we're only allowed to search along the beach; heavily populated areas are a no-no unless otherwise ordered."

"I'd say that depends on whether the target likes to play the hermit or not," Bandou shot back, examining his eyes in a little travel mirror. "Say, do you think my eyes are a hazel color or more of a greenish brown?"

The Sargent didn't really know how to answer Bandou's question (Because frankly, guys don't talk with other guys about their eyes. ...Except maybe if they could suddenly shoot eye lasers, but that's a discussion for another time.) so he just decided to talk about all his past and crap like that.

" just changes you, you know? I mean, how many kids do you know whose parents make them put down their own goldfish? Sure it was rabid and I realize now that it had to be done, but when you're only seven years old it's just traumatizing! After that I couldn't even look at animals in glass cages without crying, just knowing that somewhere down the line they'd go past the point of no return and their owners would be all 'She's my bitch Papa, let me do it!' when their hamster or their turtle starts foaming at the mouth; I'd faint whenever we even got near a zoo until I was twenty-five, and by that time-"

"SHUT UP!" Bandou screamed, finally pushed over the edge. He leveled his gun at the Sargent's head, "You wanna know how many (bleep)'s I give about your stupid goldfish? None. When I was young and we had to put down our pets we were grateful for the chance to do it, because it meant we wouldn't starve for another day. So if you suddenly want to end up as the first casualty of this operation, I suggest you keep talking." Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon would have wet his pants from Bandou's threat, but then something caught his eye further down the beach.

"Look sir, droid!"

Bandou turned and looked where the Sargent was pointing; there where no droids (big surprise), only a girl with long pink hair that seemed to be playing by the waterline.

"There ain't no stinking robots here!"

"I know sir, but it's the only thing I could think of to distract you for a moment." He said a silent prayer that he wouldn't have to change his underwear when he got back. "Besides, that girl's the target."

"But I thought the target was a dude!" Bandou protested.

"No, he's a she." He held out a couple of photos he was given to help identify the target; one was the same one the detectives showed to Kouta in the last scene (only with a random scientist leaning in with a cheesy grin and giving Lucy bunny ears), and the other was of Lucy holding said scientist's bloody severed head and right hand, middle finger extended.

"Why didn't anyone tell me this dude was a chick?" Bandou demanded.

"Because you jumped out of the helicopter before anyone could stop you, so you missed that part of the briefing; I still don't know how you survived that by the way."

"Because shut up. Now come on, let's go reel this bastard-"


"-Let's go reel this bitch in!"

While all this was going on, Nyu finally came across the object she'd been searching for.

This? THIS is what you searching for all this time? NOT MONEY!? You know what? I need a break from your retarded stupidity for a while; I'ma take a nap, wake me when something interesting happens.

With Lucy napping, Nyu continued to feel proud for herself, having accomplished the task she set out to do. She probably would have stared at her treasure all night too, if not for the sudden feeling that someone was behind her. She turned around quickly, revealing-!


And now let's cut over to Yuka at a train crossing, just to piss off all the people who were eager for the big reveal.

"I can't believe Kouta's acting so stupid about this," she muttered as the klaxon at the crossing continued to sound, "I mean, what does Nyu have that I don't? ...Aside from the horns I mean."

Feeling the train was taking too long Yuka turned around and decided to find another route over the tracks eventually passing by a police station.

"Maybe they can help me search for Nyu," she thought as she headed inside. It was a small building, but still in rather good upkeep; they even had a little waiting area stocked with stupid magazines that people only read to appear less bored while waiting, the height of technology! They even had one of those bells that looks like a certain part of female anatomy on the front desk manned by a disinterested receptionist.

"Look," the receptionist told the two Jehovah's Witnesses in front of her in a Boston accent, "if your number hasn't come up yet then you're just gonna have to wait til it does." She blew a bubble on the gum she was chewing and popped it, not bothering to look up from the magazine she swiped from the waiting room table.

"Excuse me!" Yuka called, trying to get the attention of someone in the room.

They ignored her.

"Um, hello?"

They ignored her still.

Having felt that she'd put up with enough waiting today (between waiting for Kouta and for the train just now) she yelled at the top of her voice "PAY (bleep)ING ATTENTION TO ME DAMMIT!"

"Take a number, hon," the receptionist told her, appearing to not have been fazed at all by Yuka's outburst.

The JW's however turned around, startled at the sudden commotion, though they calmed down a bit when they saw it was just a college student.

"Hi, I'm looking for my friend," she told them (seeing as they were the only ones paying attention to her at the moment), "have you seen her?"


...And we cut back the Nyu on the beach- wait what? That last scene wasn't even two minutes! Geez, let a scene play out already, would ya?

There is a bright side to this however, in that we finally get to see who the mysterious person who snuck up behind Nyu before is!

And it's just Kouta.

He knelt down next to her, holding his umbrella so it covered both of them.

"You're gonna catch pneumonia out here," he said, "it's pouring rain, you know."

"Nyu..." Nyu said, starting to shiver a little bit.

"Anyways, let's get back to the house, OK?" He stood back up, offering Nyu a hand as well. "Oh and by the way," he added, remember what was at stake, "for everything before...I'm sorr-"


Kouta fell to the ground, unable to finish his apology. As Nyu fretted over Kouta the purveyor of the clonking (You all know who it is, do I really need to say it?) knelt down next to the scene, staring in fascination at the two lumps attached to Nyu('s head).

"So that's what he meant by 'distinctive'..." Bandou marveled. "Kinda looks like that one character on Cho-"

"You probably shouldn't sir," Gonna-Die-Soon warned, "I don't think this show is licensed to make those kind of references. Also we should probably back up a bit..."

As the two S.A.T.'s started arguing about references Kouta began coming to. "My head..." he moaned, "...though it's not as bad as when Yuka does it." As more of his faculties returned to him he noticed two goons in full paramilitary regalia standing over him and Nyu, arguing about something or other. "Hey, who're you?" he asked.

He suddenly had a gun pointed at his face.

"Now I just jumped 120 feet out of a Black Hawk ("How the hell did you survive that?!") so I'm still feeling a bit shaky, and there's a slight chance I might miss when I pull the trigger. So you have to ask yourself," he paused, leaning in a bit closer, "'Do I feel Lucky?' Well, do ya? Punk."

Given Kouta's long experience with an ever scarier monster than this guy, he bravely grabbed Nyu's arm, turned tail, and made with the running aways.

What? Yuka didn't use guns, she just hit him (and threatened his manhood).

And speaking of guns, a line of bullet holes suddenly appeared in the sand next to where Kouta and Nyu were running.

"I ain't done with you yet," Bandou shouted after them, "I still have some Bruce Willis lines I wanna try out." He made his way over the two youngsters, nailing Kouta in the balls when he reached them. "I just love a captive audience," he chuckled. "Now, let's start with Die Hard 3..."


Meanwhile, back at the police station...

"Really? We're looking for a missing person too!" the older gentleman said jovially. "What a coincidence!"

"Oh, did one of your members run off to join Scientology or something?" Yuka asked.

"We're not Jehovah's Witnesses," he said, his patience strained from the constant stream of misunderstandings he and his partner had been getting all evening. "We're detectives," he said, pulling out his 'Detective' badge once more. "What's your missing person look like?"

Yuka thought for a moment, trying to sift through the vast three things she knew about Nyu. Fortunately for her one of those three things was her unused Freudian lecture about why Nyu did what she did before she ran away, which was just vague enough for her to follow up on! Addressing the JW's- I mean detectives once more, she told them, "Never mind; I think I figured out where she is. Sorry for bothering you, hope you hand out lots of pamphlets!" And with that she hurried off into the rainy evening towards her new destination.

"You think maybe we don't look enough like detectives?" the younger man asked his partner, "Because for the past couple of hours I've been expecting you to preach to me about the end of the world."

Thankfully, before the older detective jumped down his partner's throat about the JW remark, the receptionist called out "Number 26!", which was the number Detective #2 had taken before.

"Finally! Now look, my partner and I are looking for a dangerous murderer and if-"

"Dude," younger detective said, holding up his phone, "I just got this text; Dunkin Donuts is having a $1 off special on a 'dozen' box of donuts!"

"Hot damn; what are we waiting around here for!" As the detectives hurried out the the door one of them turned back at the last second, "Oh yeah, and tell people to be on the lookout for this person." He tossed a photo on the receptionist's desk and hurried to rejoin his partner and all the delicious donut-y goodness.

The receptionist looked at the photo; it was a picture of Lucy that had a few new features (like buck teeth, silly glasses, and an arrow going through her head, just to name a few) added in via marker.

"Eh, I've seen worse," the receptionist shrugged, tossing the photo behind her blindly and resuming her magazine reading and gum chewing.


And now we're back with Yuka, who was walking along side the beach looking for any signs of intelligent life. ...Or in this case Nyu. She hadn't been searching long when she came upon what looked like the unconscious form of her cousin lying on the beach.

"I thought I left him whimpering on the floor of the Inn," was her first thought. Then, upon recognizing him a little more, her second thought was "Holy (bleep) that's Kouta!", and she rushed onto the beach, tossing her umbrella to the side to reduce drag.

"Ooh, please be OK," she muttered as she knelt beside him and checked his vitals; heart still beating, lungs still working...still a gorgeous hunk of drop dead sexy man meat. Yep, all signals are go.

Fortunately, Kouta began coming to just a moment later...only to find Yuka's face three microns away from his.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" he shouted.

"KYYYAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Yuka calmly responded, leaping back in shock.

"I'mgonnagetraped-I'mgonnagetraped-I'mgonnagetraped," Kouta said, starting to work himself into a tizzy.

"Kouta, calm down," Yuka reassured him, having regained her own faculties a bit sooner than him, "it's fine, it's just me; no one's going to rape you."

He stopped hyperventilating and regarded her suspiciously. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she told him, though inside she was going Dammit he's on to me!.

"That's a relief," he sighed. Then he squinted, "Were there always three of you?"

"Oh dear, you probably have a concussion; we'd better get you some medical attention...and maybe the opportunity for a little 'tlc', if you know what I mean..."


"Nothing at all Kouta~. Wait right there while I call an ambulance."

As Yuka dug through her purse for her cellphone Kouta wondered, "Hey...what happened to Nyu?"


Nyu was in drag.

Meaning Bandou and Gonna-Die-Soon were dragging her across the sand to a place where they could kill her more quietly. For some reason she was also still holding onto the umbrella that Kouta had when he found her.

"I've been thinking..." Gonna-Die-Soon began.

"You didn't strain yourself, did you?" Bandou asked.

Gonna-Die-Soon glared at him.

"No," he explained, "what I was trying to get at was that I'm starting to seriously doubt that this girl-"


"-this girl is the psychotic killer we're after. I mean, she has been acting like a killer would at all. ...Come to think of it, she's been acting more than a little mentally retarded, all things considered."

"Yeah? Well, how many other people do you know with horns sticking out of her head?" He gestured to the two white lumps that resided on Nyu's cranium. "Besides, pink hair went out of fashion nearly 8 years ago. Nowadays green is the new blond."

"More than what that has to do with whether she's the killer or not, how the hell do you know what fashions are trending?" the Sargent wondered.

"What, I can't have a hobby outside of work?" Bandou shot back.

"Not that kind of hobby..." The Sargent pulled out his radio, "Bandou Team to CO, I think you might want to have Bandou go through a Psyche Evaluation when this mission is done; he's saying some distinctly unmanly things here. Also, we found a-"

Bandou clonked his partner over the head with his gun, causing him to drop the radio. He then proceeded to stomp the radio into the ground, shoot it, pulverize it with a jackhammer, roll over it in a steamroller, and blow it up with a grenade, before finally he spit on it.

"I'm not crazy," he growled, "my mother already had me tested when I was a kid. Now, to deal with the little devil here..." He grabbed Nyu by her scalp and brought his face close to her. "Now," he said, "tell me what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is, and I might let you go..." He roughly tossed her to the ground. "Well?..."

"N-nyuuu..." Nyu whimpered, which roughly translated to something like 'I don't know that!'.

"Wrong answers!" he announced, kicking Nyu in the gut. The impact sent her rolling into an old rowboat.

"You know," he realized, "I'm starting to agree with Has-Issues-With-Pets here."

"Actually sir, it's Gonna-Die-Soon."

"I know what I said!" Bandou snapped at Gonna-Die-Soon before turning back to the whimpering girl in front of him. "So are you really a killer or not? Come on, prove it!"

Nyu just whimpered more and backed up into the boat, hiding her arms behind her back.

"Geez," Bandou sighed, "you're more disappointing than my third ex-wife." He was about to just put a bullet in her brain and be done with it when he noticed her (very conspicuously) trying to hide something behind her back. "Hey, what're you trying to hide there? Show me!"

All that accomplished was making Nyu try to hide whatever it was more.

"Careful sir, that might be that weapon of hers," the Sargent warned.

"Ah don't worry," Bandou waved the Sargent off, "she doesn't look like she has the balls to use it."

"She's a girl, sir; she doesn't have balls period."

"You trying to start something?" Bandou turned to glare at Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon, "Because if so it seems to be working."

Realizing this might be her only chance to escape, Nyu tried to sneak off while the loud one was busy yelling at the scared looking one. Unfortunately she tripped over the boat next to her.

BAM! The butt end of Bandou's gun connected with the back of her head, apparently knocking her out.

"Please," Bandou said arrogantly, "I've got eyes in the back of my head, bitch." Then he sighed and walked away, "Go ahead and finish her off Sargent, I'm done."

"W-W-What?" Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon stammered completely at a loss for words.

"I said kill her," Bandou repeated as he took off his helmet and ski mask, "what part of that wasn't clear?"

"Nothing, it's just that I kind of figured you'd want to be the one to do it. You know, since you've shown nothing but contempt for me at every turn."

"The Magic's gone, it doesn't matter if you kill her now you little (bleep)wad." Bandou pulled out a cigarette and tried to light it up. Maybe I'll go scare the (bleep) of some teenagers in the woods or something once this is done...after I break in the new TV for the break room of course.

Sighing dejectedly, Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon trudged over to finish the job. When he reached the target he saw that she'd somehow gotten tangled in a fishing net.

"I'm really sorry about this Miss," he said, aiming his gun at her, "he's not such a bad guy once you get to know him...OK that's a lie; he's still an ass even if you do know him, don't know why though. Maybe it had something to do with his childhood, that's where most people's problems start."

While the Sargent was going off on another tangent, Bandou was still trying to get his damn lighter to work.

"I feel like (bleep)ing Roy Mustang," he muttered to himself. He kept at it, and eventually it lit.

And at the same time Sargent Gonna-Die-Soon fired his gun.

"Ahh, that's more like it," Bandou sighed as he finally lit up and took a drag. Without turning around, he asked "So how'd it feel putting a bullet through the bitch's skull, Sargent?"

"Painful, sir."

Bandou was confused; he'd felt a lot of things when he killed people, elation, ecstasy, nirvana, power, maniacal glee, but never pain, unless he'd already been injured when he pulled the trigger.

"The hell you talkin' 'bout?" he asked as he turned around, only to be met by the site of the Sargent with a gaping hole right through the middle of his chest.

"This," the Sargent gestured to said hole.

Only for his arm to fall off.

Followed closely by his head.

"Well damn," Bandou managed, "he really was gonna die soon."


Ladies and gentlemen, the only reason this chapter was made. That joke. Yeah, sorry about that...

As Bandou got over the death of his partner two seconds later, he noticed the bitch he knocked out before was standing up. There was also something different about her now, though he couldn't decide if it was her slightly hunched shoulders, her hair covering most of face, the solitary eye that could be seen through the hair that practically screamed "KILLKILLKILLKILL!", or any combination of the three.

"You're friend interrupted my nap," she said. "That and he wouldn't shut up."

"Yeah, he does that," Bandou agreed, opening fire on the pink haired girl.

Only for the bullets to be deflected by some invisible barrier.

"OK, that's new," he said, opening fire again as she slowly began to walk towards him.

Much to the same result as last time.

"Screw this (bleep)," he resolved, leaping to the side. It was lucky he did that too, because when he looked back he saw his discarded helmet being crushed flat as a pancake.

"Wait, she was actually attacking me just now?" he realized. "I just did that cause I thought it would look cool- Yipes!" The ground exploded by his feet, prompting him to make like a tree and get the (bleep) out of here. He ducked into the trash-yard, hoping he could lose her in all the random garbage, but in actuality only gave Lucy a bunch of crap to throw at him.

Good thing he ducked behind some empty barrels before she could get a good bead on him!

How the (bleep) is she doing this? he thought to himself.

Then he remembered something the CO said.

"I'm well aware that my face has an unusual bone structure Sargent," the CO bristled, his eyebrow twitching. "Just for that, you're on Bandou's team when we hit dirt."

"Heh heh, his face does look like a monkey," Bandou chuckled. "I wonder if that horned bitch is still out there?" he wondered when he noticed that the random junk had stopped flying over his head. He poked his head just over the top of the barrels and-

"WHOA!" he cried, ducking back down when the crap started flying again.

OK, let's analyze this; she can pick up and throw things without using her hands...or can she? Monkey-face said the target's weapon had a two meter range and was unidentified, and when she crushed my helmet before the imprint looked like the shape of a hand, so...

"She must have telekinesis!" he shouted, jumping to his feet.

...It took him a moment to realize what he'd actually done.

"Wrong," Lucy corrected, "Invisible hands, bitch. Bon voyage."

"Huh?" Bandou wondered, "the hell's she mean by-"

Then he noticed that the area around him had gotten noticeably darker. He looked up, and saw the hull of an old boat hovering above him. He leaped away, just barely avoiding becoming another barnacle. When he recovered, he saw that Lucy was getting another boat ready to chuck at him.

"Not just yet bitch!" he said, putting a grenade in the launcher on his gun and shooting it at the boat, "I'm finally starting to have some fun with this!"

Then it suddenly cuts to the girl from before and her little dog too, cowering from all the noise that was... Wait, the crap? These guys aren't important yet! What happened to the fight scene? We want to see the fight scene, put it back!

~Meanwhile, back at the fight scene...~

That's better. Now where was I...Oh, that's right!

Bandou moved to a new position and Lucy was still stalking him! He peered out from his new cover, and thankfully Lucy hadn't noticed him yet; she was still searching the previous cover he'd been hiding behind. Not wanting a repeat of last time, our Poor Man's Arnold stuck a finger over the edge of his cover. Then two fingers. Then his whole hand. When none of that produced any noticeable reaction from the other party (a.k.a. "Lucy") he poked his head over.

He noticed the Gonna-Die-Soon's decimated body lying between him and the horned bitch, with a grenade still clipped to his vest.

"OK, this is perfect," he whispered to himself, "when she walks past the corpse I'll pop out and shoot that grenade, thus blowing her up into a million tiny pieces!" He somehow broke the Fourth Wall and turned to look and the audience. "Fool proof plan, right?" he asked. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the cover, "All I have to do is wait for wait for her to walk past the corpse...Aaaaany second now...where the hell is she?" He stood up, keeping his gun at the ready-

Only to be met by Lucy standing right in front of him, pointing Gonna-Die-Soon's gun at him.

"Hey no fair getting your own gun!" Bandou cried, "I call hax!"

"All your base are belong to me, bitch," Lucy said as she pulled the trigger.

Then the girl in the ratty sweater looked over her shoulder, wondered what the sound of gunfire was for... OK, what did I just say? No more cutting to this girl until it's actually time for her to come into the story, savvy?

Good. Now let's continue...

Bandou was lying flat on his back, Lucy standing over his head ominously. She- Dammit story you made us miss the rest of the fight scene! Whatever; let's just get this over with...

"So was it as good for you as it was for me?" Lucy asked.

"Please," he scoffed, "I could go all night!" He tried to raise his gun to continue said fight, but Lucy decided he didn't need it anymore and pulled it away from him.

Along with part of his arm.

"GAAAAHHH!" Bandou cried, "Gimme a break!"

Lucy looked quizzically down at the beaten soldier. "OK," she shrugged, "you asked for it..."

She then proceeded to make his other arm bend 90 degrees in the wrong direction.

"I never would have thought you were into that kind of stuff..." she muttered as he cried out in pain.

"That isn't what I meant you dumb bitch!" he cried. "I'm never going to forget this; no matter where you go, no matter how far you run, I'll never stop hunting you!...Right after me and my beautiful eyes go try out the new TV in the break room."

"Speaking of eyes..." Lucy said, using her invisible hands to poke out Bandou's pride and joy. "There; now there's no chance you can look up my shorts."

Bandou's intelligent response was flail around and shout "I'LL KILL YOU!" mindlessly.

Ugh, this is almost as annoying as that Kisaragi chick,she thought, quickly losing her tolerance for Bandou's screaming. She grabbed his throat (with her invisible hands), announcing "Time to choke a bitch!"

And she would have choked a bitch too, if not for in Bandou's flailing, his limp arm brushed against the fist Lucy kept strangely clenched this whole time. She opened up her hand, revealing the object her body had found earlier.


"Oh hey Body, didn't think you were still concision."


"What's that, Little Timmy fell down the well? Sorry, but I'm already doing my good deed for the month by ending this bastard here-"


"Not so loud! We share the same head. Unfortunately... What do you want anyway?"


"The heck do you mean, 'Or else'? I just got my body back and I'm gonna enjoy it for a while."


"AARGH!" Lucy stumbled, her grip on Bandou's throat disappearing along with her concentration. "Alright, fine! You can have the body back! Not like there's anymore people around to kill anyways..."

"Nyu~!" Nyu said pleasantly, thanking her other self as took control of her earthly vessel again.

Don't think I'm just gonna lie down and take your stupid just cause you're back in control,Lucy warned.

Though for some reason, it felt like she was forgetting something...


Oh yeah, Lucy finally remembered, that. Well go on Body, finish him off.

"Nyu!" Nyu staunchly refused, shaking her head.

Ugh...Lucy sighed, turning towards the audience, Would you mind giving us a minute? My body and I need to have a little chat.


We cut to a makeshift hut made out of old bins and crates and stuff, where it's finally!time to introduce the girl in the ratty sweater (and her little dog, too!) into the story for reals. Having not heard anything that sounded like gunfire or explosions for a while, she decided to step out and take a look around.

Only to be nearly run over as Nyu zoomed past her, sobbing.

"I wondered where she's going?" the girl wondered. She would have pondered it some more, but a lonely umbrella caught her attention; she noticed the words "Property of the Maple Inn" on the handle. After looking this way and that to make sure no one was around, she snatched up the umbrella, claiming it as her own. "It's not like anyone will reallymiss it, right?" she reasoned to her dog, who just looked at her quizzically.

Feeling the need to test out her new plunder she strolled out onto the beach, where almost immediately she stumbled upon a still screaming Bandou.


Yeah, he was starting to go delirious from the pain and the blood loss.

For a moment the girl stared in shock at the mutilated giant lying on the ground before her, but then she started to notice all the swag he had on him.

"Yeah, he's not gonna be needing all this stuff if he's just going to die in a little while anyway," she reasoned, kneeling beside him and looking for the most likely place he would keep his wallet...

"Hey, who's there?" Bandou asked, suddenly aware that there was another presence beside him, "Is that still you Horned Bitch? If so, then could you please finish me off before I start ranting on everything that's wrong with the Twilight series; the way my mind is going I might start thinking about it too hard and accidentally convince myself to like it or something..."

Crap, he wasn't out of it enough not to notice her rifling through his pockets! Still for a moment her humanitarian side won out over her Klepto one and she put his stumpy right arm in a tourniquet before she lifted his wallet, two clips of ammo, and a Hula dancer bobblehead. She quickly ran off before he could realize what had happened.

Like I said, a moment.

Bandou, meanwhile, was still lying on the beach, his sanity continuing to slip slowly away.

"Dammit..." he sighed as he heard the sound of footsteps receding into the distance. "Oh well," he said, turning his head to the side. "I guess it's just you and me now, Bobo."


At a nearby clinic Kouta was resting on a hospital bed with an I.V. drip in his arm, Yuka dutifully watching over him.

And by "watching over him", we mean "staring over the edge of the bed at him creepily while he slept, like she could pounce on him at any time and make him her bitch".

Same thing really.

"Kouta!" she gasped in relief as he moaned the sleep out of his system.

"Yuka...I- AACK!"

This quickly turned to groans of pain as Yuka glomped him with all her might around the neck.

"Ohh I was so worried about you since you lost consciousness on the way over here but that doesn't matter now because you're OK and I'm never gonna let anything like that happen to you ever again and-"

"Yuka...!" he gasped, his face looking decidedly blue, "Oxygen...need...air!..."

"Eep!" she eeped, releasing her python like grip on her cousin's neck and allowing him to breathe properly. "Sorry," she apologized sheepishly, "I guess I got a little excited, didn't I?"

"You're telling me..." Kouta said, rubbing his now sore neck. "By the way, did you see what happened to Nyu before?"

Before Yuka could answer there was a knock on the door. It then opened up, revealing...

"You're the JW's from earlier!" the cousins gasped in unison. Then they turned and pointed to each other, "You met them too?"

"For the last fricking time we're not JW's! We're police detectives."

"We want to ask the boy some questions," the other detective explained as his partner massaged the bridge of his nose, "Would you mind waiting outside for a moment?"

"I don't think so, bub," Yuka stated defiantly. "Well, my cousin obviously just went through a traumatic experience, so there's no way you're moving me from his side!"


"Except for the fact that he's a giant," Yuka belatedly realized as she sat on the worn cushions of a bench outside Kouta's room. "Damn my weak and short (by comparison) body!"

Back inside the room, Kouta had just finished explaining what happened on the beach to the JW- I mean, the detectives...

"So you say you were attacked buy a couple of soldiers with automatic weapons?" the older detective asked. "Are you sure it wasn't just a couple of punks with air-soft guns? They usually come out around this time of year, breed like rabbits."

"No, they were definitely soldiers," Kouta insisted. "And didn't I just tell you all that a minute ago; why are you repeating it?"

"Because the audience didn't catch any of it cause of how the scene was cut." The detective turned and waved to the audience.

Who's he waving to? Kouta wondered, since he couldn't see past the Fourth Wall. "Whatever, they really were soldiers!"

"Well your friend outside didn't see any soldiers," the detective argued, "we know this even though we haven't actually questioned her about anything yet."

"Are you sure there weren't any other witnesses around?" the other detective (the giant one) asked, "We'd be more inclined to believe you if there were someone else who could corroborate your story." Kouta thought for a moment when his (still) slightly concussion addled brain remembered something.

"There was another girl there!" he announced, "She'll back me up!"

"What did she look like?" the giant detective asked.

"Hard up for a date?" his partner teased.

"N-no," he refuted flatly. (Though secretly he was.)

"Yeah," Kouta interjected, "there was definitely another girl there."

"Then tell us what she looked like," the giant persisted, "Hair color, eye color, clothing style, her three sizes, what kinks does she have, what her sign is? Come on, anything!"

"Dude, you sure you're not a little bit desperate?" the older detective asked.

"Shut up!" the giant exploded. "Just because you have a girlfriend come home to at the end of the day doesn't mean the rest of us do!"

"...You need therapy," the older detective said before turning back to Kouta, "Seriously though, we do need to know what she looks like so we can find her."

"Well...," Kouta though for a moment. I might as well go two for two here..."I know I said 'girl', but she might have been older, at least in her mid twenties, was kind of tall, and had striking red hair."

"Thanks," the giant said, having calmed down a bit now, "that's plenty for my fantasies to- I mean, for us to find her with. Yeah..."

"We'll just be going then," the older detective said, pushing his love-sick partner out the door. "And sorry for dropping the hammer on you, but the doctor said your concussion wasn't too serious. All the same, don't do any heavy sports for the next couple days."

"Still, you believe me about the soldiers," Kouta persisted one last time, "right?"


Kouta drooped his head.

"Still, we'll report your incident and be on the lookout for any punk with air-soft guns." He was just about to leave himself when he turned back to Kouta and whispered ominously, "The truth is out there...". Then left, leaving a very confused Kouta to wonder what he was referring to.


Back on the beach, Mayu couldn't shake the feeling that there was more stuff she could have swiped from the soldier guy and was now heading back there to finish the job.

Only when she got there all she found was an empty beach.

"I knew I should have been more thorough," she sighed, lamenting her loss.

Then we cut to the inside of a taxi cab for some reason...? Oh, it's because that's the cab Kouta and Yuka are taking back to the Maple Inn; couldn't tell because cause of the weird angle.

"I really hope they didn't get Nyu," Kouta said out of the blue as they were waiting at a red light.

"Huh?" Yuka was lost in her own thoughts (all of them involving Kouta wearing a maple leaf...and nothing else.) and hadn't quite caught what her cousin said.

"Oh, uh, nothing..."

However, before Yuka could unreasonably speculate about what her cousin could have said there was an abrupt jump cut and suddenly she was saying goodbye to him at the step that lead up to the inn.

"Are you sure you don't need me to stay the night?" she asked, sticking her head out of the cab window, "I don't mind really; it's not like I had anything else to do tonight anyways. We could have a lovely candlelit dinner, maybe some George Michael playing in the background..." Her eyes suddenly had dreamy Desu sparkles around them and she held her cheeks delicately, blushing slightly, "Oh Kouta, I didn't know you were into that kind of thing...~"

"Yeeeaaah..." Kouta said, staring mortified at his cousin, "I'm just gonna...Bye!"

"Bye Kouta!" she called as the cab pulled away, leaves and twigs getting all kinds of stuck in Yuka's hair.

Oh, did I mention she still had her head poking out of the car like a Labrador on a Sunday drive?

As Yuka's expletives faded into the distance, Kouta walked back up the stairs to the front gate. When he arrived, there was a little surprise waiting for him.


Yes it was Nyu, sitting next to the welcome mat with her knees pressed up to her chest.

OK look Body, I'm sorry I snapped at you before, but when people are suffering like that it's only right to help ease their passing...whether I caused the suffering to begin with or not. You really shouldn't- Oh. It's the male meatbag. Joy.

Nyu looked up at Kouta, her eyes still stained with tears, and held out her hands to him. "Nyu?...~" she offered, threatening to break back into tears.

Kouta stared at the object in Nyu's hand; it was a pink shell just like the one Kanae had given him all those years ago. He knelt next to her and gave wrapped his arms around her, saying "I'm sorry" in a voice just barely audible. When he released her, Nyu offered the shell again, which Kouta gladly accepted. "Thank you."

"Nyu!~" Nyu said, compounding the touching scene. Seriously, I don't think it could be more touching if you tried; in fact, I don't think there's a single thing that could ruin this-

"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!" Jack Atlas shouted before disappearing offscreen.

...or there's that.

...the (bleep)?

Apparently Lucy thought so too.


While we wait for everyone's brains to catch up with them again, let's check in on Yuka.

Alrighty, what do got here; staring longingly out the window, eyes thousands of miles away, humming her own lyrics to Hotel Room Service by Pitbull... Yep, she's definitelywishing she stayed at the Inn with Kouta tonight.

And now she seems to be flashbacking...damnshe's got it bad.

"Come back next year, OK Kouta?" she pleaded as her cousins were about to depart at Gokurakuji Station, her eyes starting to tear up. "D-don't forget about me..."

"Of course I'll come back; after all, I like you."

She sighed, replaying her cousin's words over again. "(bleep)damn I want to bang him so hard..."

"What was that Lady?" the cab driver asked.

"Nothing~!" Yuka said, smiling sweetly as if nothing had happened. Then she heard a small jingling and looked in her hand. There was a key there, attached to a fuzzy, pink heart key-chain. "Excuse me," she asked the driver, realizing this was her golden opportunity to get some "snuggle time" with her Kouta-pii, "Could you turn the car around please?"


"Achoo!" Nyu sneezed, dripping wet from being out in the rain all night.

"OK," Kouta automatically replied, rummaging through his backpack.

Why did he agree with Nyu sneezing?

Haven't the foggiest! And it's not really important to the story, so let's just pretend like it never happened.

"I wondered who you actually are," Kouta wondered aloud. "You've got soldiers coming after you, ...and I think you have the police worked up, I couldn't really tell." He sighed. "Too bad your vocabulary leaves so much to be desired..."

"Nyu?" Nyu wondered.

If I didn't get that (bleep)ing brain damage I wouldn't havesuch a retarded vocabulary, thank you very much! Lucy thought haughtily.

"Regardless," he turned to Nyu, "I'm not going to let them take you away; that's a promise." He held up a sweater, "Now change into this."

Nyu just stared at it curiously.

It's tacky, Lucy thought, I'm not wearing it.

"OK, that's fine; I'll just do this myself. Can't be thathard, right?"

For some reason his eyes were drawn to the area of Nyu's chest, as well as the still soaking wife beater that clung to it.

It didn't help that the shirt was white, and that it became see through when water was applied.

"...Dammit where's Yuka when I need her?" he gulped, his cheeks starting to flush. Despite his squeamishness he was able remove said wife beater from Nyu without too much trouble.

Getting the new shirt on however was another matter entirely.

"OK, now where the (bleep) did I put it?..." Kouta muttered as he groped blindly around the floor for the he'd gotten before. After a minute he found the shirt and turned back to Nyu. (Don't worry, his eyes are closed.) "Alright, now put your arms up like this and we can-"

"Nyu!" Wondering what the topless girl was trying to tell him, he ssslllooowwweeelllyyy cracked an eye open, and-

He was facing a coat hanger.

"*sigh*, Round 2," he said, turning so he was almost facing Nyu before closing his eyes again. "Now put your arms up, Nyu."

"Nyu~!" Nyu complied, raising her arms so they were straight up in the air.

Way to further the whole 'I'm not a pet' thing, Body, Lucy berated her body.

"OK,"" Kouta said as he slipped the shirt over Nyu's arms, "Nice and easy, niiiice and-"


Kouta had reached that pesky chest area.

"WAAGH!" he cried, flinging himself back from Nyu, lest he accidentally molest her in some other way. When he could back up no further, he contented himself with saying "I'm sorry!" over and over.

Damn straight you're sorry, human. You're just lucky I want my body clothed, or else I would have killed you soooooo bad for pulling a stunt like THE FLYING (bleep) ARE YOU DOING BODY?! THOSE ARE NOT FOR PLAYING WITH!

Nyu had discovered her breasts and was poking them experimentally.

After deciding he'd apologized enough, Kouta moved on to the next item of clothing to be swapped.

The boxers!

"Nyu?" he stammered, "T-t-try not to m-move around too m-much, OK?"

Nyu was lying on her back with her legs elevated. The reason for this (according to Kouta's feeble mind) was that it would allow the boxers to slide off easier.

He gulped.

Quite loudly.

Diediediediediedie, Lucy thought.

"OK then," Kouta sighed, finally getting his courage up enough to do this, "One, two, two-and-a-half...two and three quarters...oh screw it." Figuring to hell with this, (and since the counting wasn't helping like he thought it would), he slipped the boxers off.

"Kouta, I'm back!" Yuka announced as she slid the door open, "I forgot to give you the key to the place earlier so I..." She took in the scene in front of her.

"Yuka, I can explain," Kouta hastily defended himself, "This totally isn't what it looks like-

"Kouta?~" Yuka said sweetly.

"Um...," he was sweating bullets, "Yes?"


to be continued...


Colonel Roy Mustang is one of the main characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. His alchemy can produce fire, but not when he gets wet.

A/N: The word count for this chapter? Over 9000! Anyways, I probably wont be posting another chapter until December at the latest; with how long it takes me to finish each chapter, I probably won't make it before november, which is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). Plus I'm devoting most of my attention in October to my annual Halloween Horror Fic, not to mention all the time my day job takes. Again, apologies, read Cold Fuzz, and enjoy my Horror fic when it comes out!