Title: Shamblin' Morons
Summary: It's Halloween, and Spike's a tad upset over the popular costume this year…
Warnings: None, really.
Genre: Humor/Light Action
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any other related characters. I promise.
Author's Note: Done for Zombi-fic-ation 2012 Zombie Fest over at Livejournal. Just a short piece meant for a laugh. Hope you enjoy!
"Just damn tacky," Spike muttered as he and Dawn strolled down the darkened, children-laden streets.
Dawn arched a brow at him as two small "classic" ghost ran between them. Spike rolled his eyes, keeping his attention on something several feet ahead of them. Dawn followed his gaze, finding two young teenagers, dressed in super-dirty rags with skin colored shallow-versions of gray and green and deep purples and reds. It also appeared as if they had their muscles and bones showing.
"Are you talking about the zombie kids?" she asked.
"Bloody freakin' zombies," Spike groaned, pulling out a cigarette.
He rolled it between his thumb and his forefinger for a moment before he finally placed the filter between his lips and lit up. Dawn crossed her arms, watching the zombie kids laughing and playfully shoving one another before they veered off toward another house to demand more free candy from the person living inside.
"Okay, I'll bite," Dawn giggled. "What's the hatred against zombies?"
"Have you ever seen zombie movies, Dawn? I mean, really? They are just mindless monsters, stumbling after stupid damsels in distress, demanding brains."
"And have you not seen any of the more modern zombie movies?" Dawn asked.
"Doesn't matter. First of all, zombies are just gross, okay? They're rotting away, pieces falling off in bits. I mean, we vampires don't rot, so why do zombies rot? I'll tell you why, because they think they're making a bloody fashion statement! You know what they're doing instead? They're wardin' off anyone who thinks that being undead is cool, that's what!"
Dawn trained her gaze on the road ahead, counting houses while she listened to Spike ramble. They would be at Xander's house soon, where all had been invited to spend this Halloween with a horror movie fest. Buffy and Willow had been against the idea at first, saying that it would not be much different than how they had spent most of their supposed "off nights" in the past. But Dawn had spoken up in Xander's favor, saying that they could make fun of the stupid "heroes" of those movies. Eventually, they had gotten most of the group to agree to a movie night. Only Giles had remained firm on the "no," saying that someone needed to be watching over the rest of the young slayers they had with them. Buffy had taken that as volunteering.
"So, what?" Dawn asked, blatantly interrupting the vampire mid-ramble. "Are you saying that you would rather have better marketing for the undead?"
"I'm just saying, Nibblet, that they make the rest of the dead look bad. Do you know that since zombies rose in popularity again, I've had to work twice as hard to get laid? I used to be able to use the whole 'grr I'm a vampire' thing when I was having a low night, but now, no. They're all like, 'Oh, you're not a zombie? How's a vampire better than a zombie? I just think that vampires are so totally gross!'"
Dawn laughed, doubling over at Spike's attempted impression of a valley girl. She knew that a part of her should find it offensive, but she shook her head, wiping the tears away.
"You're being a ponce, you know that, right?" she said.
Spike arched a brow at her, taking a long drag off his cigarette.
"If you're not sure what it means, don't use it."
Well, he had her there. Feeling more than slightly abashed, Dawn pointed to the upcoming corner.
"Xander's renting a house just up there. I guess we just better hope he didn't rent any zombie movies with the mood you're in," she huffed.
"And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean that maybe, just maybe, real zombies aren't like the movie ones. It's not like vampires have been accurately represented ever. And I'm beginning to wonder if you've ever even seen a real zombie."
If vampires could turn red, she was sure that Spike would have. However, he only huffed as they rounded the corner. Xander's rental house was just within sight now, and Dawn felt more than a little unnerved that the road seemed to have darkened a bit.
"Does something feel off to you?" Spike asked, throwing the half-smoked cigarette down to the sidewalk.
"Oh, good. I thought it was just me."
With that, Dawn and Spike half-walked, half-jogged the rest of the way to Xander's house. And upon reaching the front door, they were glad they had. They could hear Xander cry out as a loud crash sounded just on the other side of the door. Spike blinked, glancing over at Dawn.
"I can't enter without being invited," he said.
"Well, we'll fix that," Dawn said, throwing the door open. "Xander, if you're still alive, invite Spike in!"
There was a groan from a pile of broken furniture off to Dawn's right. "Please, come right in."
Spike crossed the threshold, making a beeline for the pile. After a second of digging, he yanked Xander to his feet.
"What's going on?" Dawn asked.
Before Xander could answer, a loud crash came out of the kitchen, followed by, "Well, look who we have here. Fresh meat."
The trio turned their gazes to the figure standing in the doorway that led from the kitchen to the living room. It was man of average height and build, dressed in nothing out of the ordinary—some jeans and a t-shirt. However, the pallor of his skin… it was the same greens, blues, grays, and purples that the zombie kids had dressed in, except, this time, there was something… a little more realistic about it.
"Zombies bloody everywhere!" Spike shouted as he released his inner vampire.
"Ah, vampire," the zombie said, taking in the ridges in Spike's face. "Going to sparkle at me?"
Spike roared, diving forward. The zombie caught him by his shoulders, sending him flying into the wall beside the two. Spike slid down, dazed. However, Xander and Dawn lost no opportunity. Each picked up a piece of broken furniture, running to pound on the offending zombie. They managed to get their first hit in on his head, causing him to stumble back. He recovered quickly, though, tossing both Dawn and Xander backward.
"Come on, man. All I wanted was a quick bite, and this is how you welcome me?" he laughed.
"Yeah, uh, that line never works," Spike said, appearing behind the other walking corpse.
The zombie whirled and took a swing at Spike, but he ducked, picking up one of the discarded pieces of furniture. He landed a sucker punch in the zombie's stomach, doubling the creature over.
"Night, night," Spike said.
With all the strength he could muster, he brought the wooden beam down over the zombie's neck, pulling at it until—with gore spilling everywhere—his head rolled free from his body. Twitching, the rest of the zombie collapsed at Spike's feet.
Dawn and Xander approached Spike, both staring down at the beheaded undead.
"Well, Spike, I hope you learned a couple of lessons from this," Dawn said finally.
Xander and Spike both turned to her.
"And what would those be?"
"A: real zombies aren't as bad as the ones in the movies. And B: even zombies can get the wrong impressions given the right media."
Suddenly, Xander snorted a tiny laugh. "Yeah, didn't he ask if you were going to sparkle at him?"
Spike rolled his eyes. "Shut up, you git."