The glint of steel, the smooth reflection of spandex as it swept up the woman's perfect curves. In the distance of the corridor was a blue light, which flickered on and off, on and off. They were the shadows, hidden in the crisp obscurity that kept them safe. Kept them sane.

"Tom, what the hell are you doing."

It was from behind an adjacent wall that the cowering Tom replied, his voice high-pitched and dripping with fear. "I just c-came to have sex."

"Oh, Tom." Mary sighed, a sound of utter disappointment. "You seemed so much sexier on YouTube. In person you're actually…"

Tom's eyes set like daggers on her face, dared her to continue. "Say it. Say it."


"Oh my God she said it. Now listen here bitch-" But before he could finish his sentence, a gruff voice arose from the quiet. Mary leapt behind the wall and pressed Tom hard against it. Their bodies became one.

"Is that your handgun?" Mary whispered harshly.

Tom chuckled. "Yeah, handgun."

She scowled. "Be serious for a minute, douche, and I might have a hold of it later."

From that moment on, Tom did not speak another word. The two stood erect together for many moments. They hushed their breaths as the voice- voices came closer.

"He says there's two of them, a man and a woman. Says they're secret agents, working for Alpha." Laughter.

A new voice emerged. "Alpha! Haha, oh dammit, these Brits are going down."

Tom was overcome by a patriotic wave of outrage that overwhelmed his sexual desire. In an act of great courage, he thrust his fears aside and leapt out from behind the wall. Mary reached out after him in an effort of futility. Nothing could restrain a man with such atavistic instincts.

So there Tom was, a bold and free man staring in the face of death. Staring in the face of two…dolphins.

Dolphins with guns.

And tiny cats sitting on their heads.

Then Mary sang the Trololol song and they all had a foursome and rode off into the distance on tiny cats because I don't know how to write endings hello