Getting characters in this game doesn't necessarily mean you need to stand on a desolated corner of the map! If you knew this without a guide, feel happy!
I encourage all Myrmidon fanatics to read on, enjoy, and review, please.
Chapter 5: Sexyness Under The Sun And A Hat
An ominous wave of dark creatures…and wolves washed over the continent... Eirika's journey to find her apparent incestuous brother Ephraim grows ever more perilous and a hella-ella sillier. Still, she presses on despite the danger. Her will is strong and stubborn like a child bent of getting a new toy. The town of Serafew, located on the border of Renais and Grado, is partially screwed at best. The people of both countries have long used the town as a meeting place. It stands as testimony to the friendship the two nations have shared these many years. Now, however, Grado screwed their friendship.
Unlike previous times, the earth was graced by the presence of an obscenely attractive man wearing a particularly nice hat. He was oblivious to his blessed looks. Right now, the town of Serafew was devoid of women. "Well, well. There's an arena in this town," Joshua noted. "Perfect. My pocket's feeling a bit light and my suicidal side is feeling weak." There was a blond-haired cleric walking cautiously through the empty streets. "Say, is that a cleric? It is! And a gorgeous one at that."
Natasha was not having a good day. After finding out a horrible secret that was her only excuse of being important to the plot, she was labeled dangerous. Being on the run from the evil empire was a very exhausting thing to do. She was extremely frail in mentality. Anybody would feel that way if their mentor was ordered to be killed. She sighed to herself and only proceeded cautiously to avoid getting spotted.
Then sex in two eyes walked past her. It evidently turned into sex on two legs from a small, quick glance.
"Something amiss, Sister? You look flustered," Joshua said with a smile that greatly, indirectly meant many outrageous dreams of great pleasure to Natasha. She reddened like a killer tomato and ran away without saying a word. "...And there she goes. Not my lucky day... She was quite the beauty, too. Like one of those frail shy girls who ultimately say 'I love you' at the end," he told himself. "Ah, such is life. I think I've time to visit the arena, though."
A Hero entered the arena.
"…Er…maybe another day…"
Literally a few squares away to the north, Glen was just finishing giving orders to a flat boss character about Eirika's path and Natasha's sightings. When Saar left, his rough-looking brother Cormag rode into view with his wyvern. "Such loyalty to the crown. If only I could hold such conviction in the righteousness of our emperor," Glen noted.
"You can be like Selena if you want," Cormag said.
"…Dear god, what did I just say?" Glen felt like he was about to have a Heroic BSOD as they both flew northeast, away from the map.
The semi-evil music changed into a semi-good one as Eirika's group came from the south of Serafew. There was something really wrong with this statement.
"Wait, what?" Lute asked rhetorically. "Grado is CLEARLY to the south and yet we're showing up from that same direction of the southern border? What madness is this? Renais doesn't lie to the south and we clearly came from the north!"
"Perhaps the great being looking at us from the sky is looking down at the map from the wrong angle," Artur muttered.
Eirika was too busy reminiscing the good old days that weren't that old to begin with. "It's been so long since I last visited Serafew, like a year and a half. My brother and I used to pass through here en route to Grado that long ago. I remember the harmony with the singing birds in which the people of both countries lived. No walls divided our borders that demanded passports. No soldiers stood guard in high towers and checked up on you for ten minutes. The border town... It was to me a symbol of the trust between Grado and Renais."
"And then Grado screwed our friendship," Seth said quite quickly.
"The peace I remember in this city... It seems like something from another time. It seems lost now... Forever."
"Goodness, don't say that," Franz said. "It sounds like you're going emo…or goth!"
"We're in a journey to free the world from Grado. Of course I need to feel angsty from time to time!"
Seth saw that the place wasn't heavily guarded and said, "We must try not to draw attention to ourselves by anything and anybody. The west gate is undermanned..."
Saleh then came out of nowhere. "Pardon me, may I ask you a question?" he asked. Seth cursed. "Have you seen a young girl with indigo hair?"
"Incredible how people like him can ask about somebody's colored hair like it's really that common," Colm noted.
"Indigo hair?" Eirika asked. "Let's see. We have girls with pink, light-blue, green, and purple hair… Nope!"
Saleh grumbled a bit. "Thank you. Sorry to intrude." He left.
"He didn't point his finger at us on the spot so he's not a Grado spy," Eirika said. "There was something odd about him, though. He had a unique face portrait…"
Suddenly, a commotion erupted from the north side of the town. Feeling like eavesdropping, Eirika's team carefully approached the area. To the north, Natasha was being surrounded by Grado soldiers. They knew she was toasted, after all, since she wasn't a Bishop yet.
"Traitor Natasha!" an unnamed Grado soldier said. "Surrender peacefully. Come quietly, and you may have the chance to explain yourself before His Majesty."
Natasha held her hand high. "Wait, please. You must listen to me! The emperor is not himself! You MUST see that! Has anybody here ever seen him acting this odd before?"
Eirika and her group peeked out their heads from a wall. Moulder snickered at the pre-Bishop girl. "That cleric is a traitor to the throne of Grado? What madness is this?" Eirika asked. Franz held up a sign that read, "Currently Accepting Grado Traitors. We Have Cookies And Cream".
The soldiers gasped. "She's freely expressing her thoughts against Emperor Vigarde! That's HEINOUS!" They stupidly let her run south where she found the group behind the wall. Franz gave himself a pat on the back.
Seth cursed. "Curses, now we have those lesser beings after us," he said.
"This is so a dumb question, but are you all right?" Eirika asked the panting girl. "I'm from Renais, but some of us are from the Innes Fangirl-filled Nation of Frelia. Why are these Grado men after you?"
Natasha thanked god for blessing her with help. "I have something extremely, extremely, REALLY extremely important I must tell you," she said. At last, she could spill the beans to a Renais citizen. "It's about Gra-"
"RED MOOKS INCOMING!" Eirika shouted loudly, starting the battle. Natasha was dragged into the conflict.
On the same area that Natasha had met the unspeakably sexy man, Joshua was seen walking around the arena. "So much for my dreams of making my fortune here without asking mother for my allowance... First the girl, now my gold. It really isn't my lucky day," he said, sighing. The air he sighed out smelled very fresh.
A soldier spotted him. "You there! Mercenary with the really nice hat! What are you doing here at the arena? Get back to the staging area now!"
Joshua grinned. The soldier felt gay for a moment. "C'mon, why don't we both hit the arena? It'll be good training. If you're going to risk your life anyway, you may as well try to earn some gold and fame."
"U-uh… I-I'm reporting you to the captain! You'll be lucky if he just docks your pay! Don't forg-g-get…You can be replaced in…uh…an eye blink, you filthy sell word!" He hurriedly walked away. He just couldn't shake Joshua off from his mind.
"Don't worry, little ugly, eyeless man. I won't forget. Work's work, but I don't like fighting women. That is really heinous…" He flipped a coin in the air. "Now then, what's the rest of the day got in store for me? ...Tails, huh? That's nothing but back luck and more back luck...or will it?" he asked rhetorically, raising a perfect arched eyebrow. A few passing flying birds fainted.
Back to the group, Natasha had an idea. "They may not want to hear what I have to say, but... I must speak with one of the Grado soldiers. Oh, if only one of them will listen to my words."
"Why?" Artur asked. "There is absolutely no reason why one of those people will listen to reason. Certainly, you took this idea out of the blue without thinking."
"…Or perhaps she has a sixth sense that's foreshadowing that there's a chance to recruit another traitor soon!" Franz said as he piped up. "Let's have her speak to each one of them!"
"NO!" Eirika realized how suicidal it was to put a healer next to a Fighter. "Find the one with a face portrait and lacks a small shield mark! In the meantime, Ross shall head for the house on the bottom right corner."
Moulder shook his head. "Something is amiss. The path to that house seems way too suspicious…way too…SAFE… Let Seth and Artur head there as well," he advised. Eirika didn't want to go against his idea so she did as she was told; telling Seth and Artur to do was she was told.
Ross simply entered the house. A few wolf whistles came out from it and then he walked out, carrying a rare Dragonshield. "A stat-boosting item that inexplicably boosts defense!" Artur noted. "We got blessed."
Ross's face was blushing deeply. "I have never taken an interest in women…but I'll gladly start now!" he said. Artur was confused at the claim until he gazed at the window of the house and confirmed Ross's redness. He similarly blushed and prayed that the devil wasn't tempting him.
After turn 2 was over, bandits appeared really close to the house. "Come lads! Let's steal our way through this pathetic town and troll the heroes from getting the goodies!" he proclaimed.
They were all beheaded by Seth. "Your troll-ish actions thus have been stopped," he said. He was proclaimed a hero.
The team slowly advanced south as enemies were all killed one by one. Gilliam approached the house next to the set of stairs. "Please, traveler, take this sword. It's an armorslayer. It'll but pierce through even the strongest armor, even yours, actually! Take it and strike down that blackheart Saar," the man inside said, handing the life-threatening sword to Gilliam. He gulped and carefully carried it away, hoping I wouldn't topple over and stab his extremely-protected chest.
Natasha seemed to be going alone further north. Luckily, there weren't that many enemy soldiers ready to cut her head…except one red unit that seemed so familiar to her. The fact she reddened madly made her realize who he was. She maintained perfect composure, but it was slowly trying to break down with a heavy sigh. "You...You're that man I met... Are you here to capture me? You've been hired to silence me, haven't you...?" She was just about to faint. She couldn't take it for much longer.
"Yeah," Joshua said, oddly smiling. Natasha's tempted side was so thankful he was smiling. Her cleric side meanwhile prayed she wasn't being tempted by the handsome devil. "Grado's paying the bill. They want you dead, you know? But don't feel bad. It's not personal. Oh, I don't care about Grado or why the king suddenly went crazy with this war. As the prince of… I-I mean, I do NOT even mind this war!"
Natasha completely ignored the odd stuttering. She was hardly keeping her heavy sighs.
"Even so...killing a beautiful lady like you wou-" Joshua saw Natasha fainting with a big smile. Her tempted side won over her cleric side. "Uh… Do you like gambling? Here! I'll pick for you. Heads I win and you get killed, or tails you win and I join whatever side you're with! Go!" The coin he tossed landed on her nose, showing tails. She subconsciously smiled, as if she knew things would go nicely. "You win! Figures… Well, get behind me, then. I've got to take care of these fools… Oh right, I'll have to carry you back till you wake up…"
Meanwhile, the rest of the group slowly made their way to where Natasha had lost consciousness. Eirika gasped and saw a man carrying her on his arms. She was unfazed by his looks, since he was facing away from them all. "Hey, you! You're not supposed to carry corpses. In fact, they disappear in thin air! Dammit, she just died, didn't she?" she asked fuming.
Joshua turned around. The world seemed a better place to live to the women of the team so suddenly.
"Hey there, you're her companions, right?" Joshua asked.
All the men stared in awe. All of the girls' pupils dilated by one centimeter. His smile was just so…perfect. "Have my babies, please," Eirika pleaded in an odd sexy voice. "Leave that woman with the weak will. I am quite a catch."
"No! My virginity has been waiting for you all this time!" Vanessa gleefully said. Her Pegasus sighed, feeling that dying meant nothing now.
"N-no," Neimi sniffed. "I-I can't! I-I'm supposed to support w-with Colm…b-but…h-he's just so…" Colm grunted, but somehow he couldn't have a grudge against Joshua. That hat he was wearing looked so good on his red-haired head.
Lute finally looked up from her tome. "Why are you needlessly… Why have I ignored the ten percent of men's wonders all this time?" she asked. Artur gasped when he saw the first smile in a long time on her face.
Joshua continued to ignore all of the stares of approval. "Well, no use standing here staring at me that way, right?" he asked. He put down Natasha, and Neimi fought the tempting thought of jumping to his arms. "I'll be happy to join your little crew."
"Why do many Myrmidons have to look so…smexy?" Vanessa asked.
"Because we wouldn't have them any other way…and I do NOT want to complain about it," Eirika responded.
Seth was impressed. Seeing that Eirika was out of commission, he took command. "Perfect timing. We need more people to fill the sword department," he said. "A mercenary is just what we needed."
"Mercenary?" Joshua asked. "No, no, I'm a myrmidon." Many of the men's mouths felt like they fell on the floor. Neimi fainted. So did Eirika. Vanessa felt a very thrilling feeling of vertigo.
"…" Seth looked up at the sky. "Thank you, god. Thank you so much!"
Artur felt good. "With a man wearing such a divine hat, our supports shall be enlightening for greater good," he said. "Sorry, girls, but he cannot support with any of you…except Natasha."
Vanessa returned to Magvell. "Why do you get Mr. Sexy?" she asked.
"I thought you liked Prince Innes?" Gilliam asked. "You two CAN support."
"S-shut up!" she hissed, reddening. "H-he doesn't have to know…" she trailed off, feeling her being shrinking.
Miraculously, all the girls regained their senses once they were pulled into battle screens by the enemy. Franz approached the house west of the arena where an old man lived. He went on a long narrative of his famous, anonymous life as a warrior. "What if I die without passing on my techniques? So, I decided to write down what I've learned in a book. I have it here. You seem like a strong warrior. I'd be honored if you would accept it," he told Franz, giving him a not-so Secret Book.
"Good thing we only 'use' these to skip the long reading," Franz said, leaving the house. The man closed the door, making it impenetrable.
The army had mostly made it out to the north till they spotted the local arena. "Hmm, an arena," Moulder said. "We could possibly risk our lives for money…OR we could simply use training maps to guarantee our survival. And if it happens, we can somehow control weapon drops to make a profit out of them by exiting and entering a special kind of training map while controlling stat growths all at the same time!"
"Laugh at the arena, everybody!" Seth said. They all laughed at it, even the enemies that were about to die. The bandit-looking owner hissed at them from his stand.
Ross was just about to enter a lonely house to the north. Saar just stood there without doing anything about murdering a close unit.
Amelia had just gotten wonderful news. She was just accepted into the benevolent Grado army! It was DEFINITELY not ravaging the entire land just outside her window, oh no! She just shrugged the fighting outside as something she shouldn't involve herself into. After all, the Grado army was occupying the town so the evil men were probably losing the fight. She needed to pack things up and walk away quietly. Amelia always tried to remind herself about what was going on with the world, but she had been so giddy about her acceptance into the army to even care about serving an evil empire. What nonsense would it be that Grado turned evil?
"The Grado army is awesome!" she exclaimed. "Let's see, I've got vulneraries, antitoxins... Oh! And I can't let myself forget torches for when it gets dark. Yep! I'm all set! Now I just need to get to the capital. I'll be the finest soldier the Grado army's ever seen! I swear it! I need to get outta this stupid Trainee status after all!" She walked out from the back exit, dropping a Torch that might have burned the house she had occupied.
Ross peeked inside and took the Torch. "Free fire!" he said happily.
The team had devised a strategy to take care of the Knight Saar on the northeast portion of Serafew. Saar, furrowing his brow, said, "Enemy of the empire! Death's too good for…for…"
"Yes?" an Armorslayer-wielding Joshua asked.
"For…for…" Saar could not believe he would fight such a foe before in his life. The air of absolute elegance surrounding Joshua was something that should not be disturbed. And that hat.
Goodness gracious, that hat.
Joshua grinned. "Looks like my Critical Hit percentage is quite high enough to pull this off, so…" The Myrmidon pulled back and split into three Joshuas. All of them disappeared, and then a single Joshua beheaded Saar in a spectacular fashion.
The entire group watched from the sidelines. Eirika smiled with a dreamy look. Neimi's eyes rolled back into her head and she fainted. Lute wanted to point how impossible that Critical Hit looked like, but she didn't want to ruin it. It looked sooooo good. Natasha fainted while praying. Vanessa sighed and rested on a similarly sighing Titania. Seth and Molder nodded in complete approval.
Saar, his breath having been taken off in more ways than one, turned gay as he died.
It took everybody but Joshua two hours to forget how awesome and sexy that one hit KO looked like. Natasha gasped and remembered what she was doing, like, not introducing herself to them formally. "My name is Natasha. I was a servant of the people at Grado's Imperial Temple. A few days past, my mentor was arrested without warning. They executed him and he vanished in thin air, like, poof. They said he was a traitor... But those were false accusations. The emperor had him killed - a holy man! - to keep him silent about a HUUUUUUUUUGE dark secret." At this, everybody raised their ears. "My mentor told me with his final breath… The emperor plans to destroy the Sacred Stones."
"Oh, PLEASE!" Artur said.
Natasha continued. "As you know, the Sacred Stones drove back the power of evil long ago. Even now, each of our nations is home to one of these legendary treasures. There's one in my evil homeland Grado, one in Innes Fangirl filled-Frelia, one in nutcase Rausten, one in prince-less Jehanna, and one in your incest-filled nation that is Renais... Nobody cares about Carcino. Tee-hee."
Eirika nodded seriously. "Yes, the Sacred Stone of Renais is still housed in our royal temple," she said. Seth snickered.
"The emperor…" the background turned dark as Natasha got a creepy look on her face, "plans to destroy the five stones, one by one!"
Everybody gasped loudly, but Lute chuckled rather loudly. "And you said I was crazy!" she told everybody. "APOLOGIZE!" They all did.
Seth grunted. "Why would he do such a thing? Legend says the Sacred Stones are even now all that keep evil at bay!"
"Hello? Chapter 4?" Artur said.
Natasha and the background turned back to normal. "I cannot begin to guess his motives... You must know, our emperor was a gentle man. Like, he WAS the BEST out there."
Franz nodded. "Yeah, she's right on that. The worst emperor so far is the one in Rausten," he said. Everyone agreed.
"Hmph! Do not insult the holiness of my uncle!" L'Arachel shouted from afar. "Uh, I mean… Do not insult his majesty!" Dozla randomly laughed in the distance. Rennac smacked his head against a tree. It hurt him. Duh.
"But one day," Natasha continued, "he changed. Utterly. One day he was feeding birds, the next day…which oddly had a rather long time gap of ten days without his presence, he muttered about eating bird brains. Creepy, huh? Before my mentor died, he said the keepers of the Sacred Stones must be warned ASAP. I tried to slip across the border, but the soldiers spotted me... Does my blond hair look so out of place to you?" They shook their heads. "Oh, good! I thought that was it."
After having heard a rant about how Natasha lost all story importance rights, Eirika was approached by an old man. "Are you perchance... Princess Eirika?" he asked.
Eirika sighed, please. "Somebody DOES know who I am while I'm going incognito!"
"But of course! None of us here can try to forget how incestuous you and your brother are!"
Her good feeling had been snapped in half. With a glare, she stuck out her hand and said, "Give me the damn Guiding Ring to end this map already."
The story turned so damn sexy all of a sudden. I wonder why?
Please review, or else Joshua will become the main character… Wait…you better review, then! D:
Oh, here's a scrapped idea that never happened because it had a very small percentage of ruining Joshua's image for restarting purposes. Yes, the chance was VERY small. Just imagine Natasha never fainted mid-Joshua speech.
ALTERNATE NATASHA / JOSHUA MEETING
Natasha didn't know how she had resisted the man's perfect charms till the point where he came up with the sexy idea of betting her life for his trust with a coin toss. She hoped to win so badly. Having such a guy standing next to you for support would definitely b-
"Heads, I win," Joshua interrupted Natasha's train of thoughts. "Now stand there…uh, staring at me," and he used a Critical Hit that sliced her body in tiny little bloody pieces.
While Eirika somehow managed to snap herself out of her male gaze and mourn the loss of a possible Bishop girl, Vanessa smirked and muttered, "One down, three more to go."
"Without her, recruiting him has become impossible," Moulder pointed out. "I don't know how that equates, but such is gameplay."
"That means we'll have to kill him. Seth!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Vanessa restarted the game.