This is a three part story I've written for my friend Loopylou992's birthday!
Happy birthday, hon! I hope you have a good one!
Thank you my awesome prereaders for this story: The amazing KGQ and the gorgeous James!
This is NOT betaed, so excuse me my mistakes...
A/N: I do not own Twilight.
New York, May 5th, 2012
I hope that that was okay. It still feels that way, though I haven't seen or talked to you in over a month. I'd like to think that unless you tell me otherwise, I still belong with you, as you belong with me.
I miss you, baby, I really do. Even more than I would imagine missing you.
I lay down my pen and took a deep breath. Running my fingers through my unruly hair I glanced at the framed picture of us on my desk. We were so happy back then, at least I had been. We'd flown down to Miami to visit Edward's mother for her birthday. Even through the thick sunglasses it was clear that the only one in my life was him. I loved him, still did and I would probably love him the rest of my life.
I sighed again and pick up my pen again.
I'm still not sure what happened, what changed. I thought we were happy, that you wanted to be with me as much as I want to be with you. Now I'm just trying to wrap my head around what you said the day you walked away. You needed time...
And I respect that, I honestly do. I told you that you could have all the time in the world, that I'd be waiting. But the waiting is getting harder without hearing anything from you. I wonder where you are, what you're doing. I'm wondering what goes on in your mind.
I reached out for my pack of smokes and lit a cigarette. Fuck! Talking about my emotions and feelings was never something I'd been very good at. It was one of the things Edward found so frustrating in his relationship with me. He was always very open and clear.
My torturous memory brought me back to the moment he'd told me he loved me for the very first time. It was pouring down as we quickly made our way to the subway station. Our day in central park cut short. I was pissed off as this was supposed to be a great day. It was supposed to be perfect.
"I'm sorry, baby," I said as we finally reached the cover of the underground station. "I'm really sorry the rain fucked up our day."
He looked up at me with those wonderfully green eyes and smirked. "The rain didn't fuck up anything, Jay. Every day is perfect, as long as I spend it with the man I love."
My eyes opened wide in surprise. Had I really just heard him say that he loved me?
"What?" he said. "You're surprised I love you?"
I nodded and he pulled me closer and kissed me.
Damn, I needed a drink, though I knew I really shouldn't. I'd never been much of a drinker until the day Edward was sitting on the couch, waiting for me as I got home from work.
Instead I once again picked up my pen and wrote.
I wonder if you think of me, or if you think of him. I trust you to be true to us, but I can't help but feel that I'm losing you. I can fight anything that comes my way and I want to fight for you, for us. I just don't know how to hold on to you and show you how much I think we belong together when you aren't here.
And how I wish you were here. How I wish you never met him. How I wish...
But, no. You aren't and you have and as much as I wish and hope, this is ultimately your decision. I'm not angry, though I don't really understand. You've always been the one and only person to complete me. I am hurt however. I'm hurt that you doubt our love, our marriage.
When we looked into each other's eyes three years ago and I promised you forever, I meant it. I know you did as well and I know that in that moment you loved me more than anything. But now, now you aren't sure that it's me you want, and that hurts me more than anything.
I had to stop for a minute, the tears in my eyes making it hard for me to see what I was writing.
My stomach still turns when I remember his pained expression and the explanation of the suitcase next to the couch.
"Something happened, Jay," he said as I cocked an eyebrow at him. "I don't really know how to explain it because my thoughts are a mess and my heart is torn." He paused for a moment. "I met someone."
My loud gasp made him flinch away as if I'd hit him. Guilt clearly showing on his face and my brain played a cruel trick on me. The image of my man in another man's arms forcing it's way to the front of my mind.
"I-I didn't do anything, I wouldn't betray you like that, but I've got all these feelings that I can't understand," he quickly said.
My face fell. Yes, it would've hurt me if he'd cheated on me, but the pain that now surged through my heart was nothing short of agony. What feelings? Was he in love with that guy? Was he leaving me? Was he leaving me for him? He had a fucking case packed. Did he no longer love me?
I had to ask and his response was hesitant; "I don't know."
He sat down with his back towards me and sighed. "I never wanted this. What I feel for him-"
He turned around to face me and it took me all my strength to not look away from his tormented eyes.
"It's different from what I feel for you. But it's strong and I don't know what it is exactly," he said. "I need to find out, staying with you like this, it isn't fair to either one of us."
I rushed to his side and took his hands. "Edward, I don't care about fair. Please, baby, don't leave me. If you still love me, then please, I beg you, don't leave."
"I have to, Jay. I can't do this!" he said, his voice colored by pain and frustration. "I have to figure this out by myself."
He stood up and picked up his suitcase. In a last attempt to make him stay, I cupped his face and kissed him. I put everything in that kiss; my pain, my love, my desperation.
He didn't kiss me back and as I stepped away from him and let him go, I felt tears stinging behind my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Jay. I need time, please give me time."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. "I love you," I said, as if that was ever a question. "I can give you time, you can have all the time in the world. Just promise me to not give up on us?"
My last words were more of a question than a statement. Insecurity I had never felt with him before raging through my veins, as realisation set in and a cold shiver of loneliness ran down my back.
"Where will you go?" I asked after he promised.
"I don't know," he answered me. "I'm going to my mother first and after that, I don't know."
Somewhere in the back of my mind relief coursed through me. If he went to Miami he wasn't just running away from me, he was also running away from him. Though there was no way to be sure of that.
"The guy," I started. "Is he-"
"I'm not going to him," he interrupted me. "I wouldn't, please trust me. I just need to be on my own for a while."
He took a step towards me and gently lay his hand against me cheek. The warmth felt so good that I leaned into his touch for a second. His hand was gone too soon. He was gone too soon. And as he opened the door of our home and stepped outside, I had to tell him again.
"I love you."
I glanced at the clock. 1 am. Jesus, I had been writing on this letter for 4 hours straight and I hadn't even bothered to eat.
Alice, my sister would have my hide if she knew, she was already fussing over my loss of weight over the past month. I couldn't help it. Food lost it's taste without him, life lost it's color and my heart was empty.
I closed my eyes and absentmindedly twirled my wedding ring around my ring finger with my thumb. It was something I always did when I felt sad. However, it didn't help me now. It used to give me strength, knowing my bond with Edward was strong and it would always pull me through. It no longer gave me strength, not anymore.
Our bed is empty, my life is empty. If I could just hear your voice, if only for a moment. I'm really losing it, losing you. Your smell is long gone from the house and I miss it. God damn it, I miss you!
I called his mother last week after staring at the phone for hours. It was him I wanted to talk to, but I promised to give him time. She was as close as I could be to him and I just needed to talk to someone, to know if he was okay.
"Esmé Cullen," she said as she answered.
"Esmé? It's Jasper, I-" I said, but I didn't really know what to say.
After a couple of seconds I heard her soft and gentle voice again. "Jasper, sweety, how are you holding up?"
Her kindness overwhelmed me and I sobbed as I spoke. "I'm not, I'm breaking down. I can't lose him, Esmé, I can't!"
"Oh, honey, I know, I know."
"H-how is he? Is he okay?" I asked, dreading to hear the answer.
"I can't tell you," she said.
"Esmé, please!" I cried. "I need to know. I haven't heard from him since he walked out the door."
"That's not what I mean, dear. I can't tell you because I don't know," she said. "He gave me his address, but he doesn't answer his phone and I haven't seen him in 2 weeks."
We didn't speak for minutes and it felt good to just know she was on the other side of the line.
"Jasper? I'm coming over," she broke the silence. "I'll check for flight times and I'll be there before the end of the week."
"No, Esmé, you can't. You can't just pack up and leave just because of this. I don't want to bother you," I quickly replied.
"Nonsense, Jasper!" she said. "You are my son for all intents and purposes! I'll see you soon, so you better prepare your guest room!"
We talked for another hour before hanging up and true to her word, she emailed me her flight information. I would pick her up tomorrow morning. I was looking forward to it. For all intents and purposes she was my mother as well. She was the only mother I'd ever known.
I stretched my sore limbs and bent down over my letter once again.
I need to know you're okay and I need to know that there's still hope for us. Please, Edward, I need you. I don't mean to smother you, or invade your solitude. But, baby, you said you needed time...
...and you had time.
Yours with love,
I hope you liked it. Please let me know by leaving me a little comment.
Part 2 will be up in a couple of days...