Since my laptop has broken (ultimate sad face), I wrote this entire thing on my phone and it will therefore probably be plagued with both grammar and formatting mistakes. Feel free to alert me of any you may find. This is the first kind-of-proper Sherlock fanfic that I've written, and I'm more than a little terrified to post it! I hope you enjoy. :)


"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. For the love of God, if you're going to leave a message, at least make it an interesting one. If this is Mycroft, then piss off."

"Hi, Sherlock, it's John. Uh, just wondering where you've gone? The police are clearing out now, so it's safe to come back, if that's why you left... No sign of the dead woman's phone still, so... Erm, yes, I'll keep looking around the flat. See you later."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and for your own sake, whatever you're about to say had better be interesting."

"Hello, it's John. What's the number of that Chinese you know that does the really good dumplings? Phone me back when you get a minute."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Please try not to bore me with tedious stories of your uninteresting lives."

"Sherlock, am I allowed to tidy all of these shoes in the living room? I don't know what you need seventy pairs of trainers for, but I can hardly move in here! Phone me back."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Leave a message. Be interesting about it or I'll just ignore you."

"Mycroft kidnapped me again today. Just thought I'd let you know that he looks like he's putting on some weight, since his misery usually cheers you up a bit. See you tonight."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I don't want to talk to any of you brainless people today, so phone John instead. His number's on the website."

"Oi, you prat! Answer your phone! I've found more of the cypher near the tracks by- Never mind, I'm coming to get you, since you never answer your bloody phone or check your messages and I'm sick to the back teeth of feeling like I'm talking to myself with you. Oh, why do I even bother?"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective. If you can offer me something that won't bore me to death then by all means, leave your message. If you are John, calling me to nag me about the things in the fridge again, don't bother. If you are Mycroft, piss off forever."

"You're such a- How did you even know I was going to phone you about- No, never mind, just get it the hell out of the fridge by the time I get home. I mean it this time, Sherlock."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes either fascinate me or leave me alone."

"Hey, just a heads up that I won't be in for dinner tonight. I'm taking Sarah to that new Indian place, so either ask Mrs Hudson nicely to make something for you, or order in. Don't show up this time, Sherlock! You're not invited!"

...

You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm taking any case except the boring ones, so if you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you then he probably is, goodbye. If you still have a problem, leave a message."

"Just heard on the telly that there was an explosion in Baker Street? Coming home now - you could've at least answered your phone, you git! I'm worried. Hope you're okay. I'll see you soon."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Go away."

"Nice. How often do you change your voicemail message? Listen, about what happened at the pool last night… You've been pretty quiet since, and I haven't even seen you at all today, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that if this is one of your no-talking days, then it doesn't need to be. It's just, I, er, I was there too, so if you wanted to kind of, I don't know, go over what happened then we can. We had a narrow escape after all, so maybe we should talk about it, even though I know you don't like talking about things. Who knows, it might even help. Anyway I should go before it cuts me off and-"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes, obviously. But I don't want to talk today so leave me alone and phone John."

"Sherlock, stop telling people to phone me! Four people have left messages for you, I've written them down and stuck them to the fridge, though I don't know why, because I'm not your bloody secretary and you won't even read them anyway."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and I'm only talking to people who live in 221 Baker Street today, because the rest of you are so very tedious. So don't bother."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're unbelievably charming? Won't be home tonight, I'm staying at Linda's. If you show up again, she really will dump me this time, so please try and stay home."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Try not to bore me to tears, thanks."

"Um, you won't believe this, but I've just been picked up in a bloody helicopter and they're telling me that we're going to Buckingham Palace. I, er, I guess I'll see you there. If you could give me a heads up on what this is about then I'd appreciate it, because I'm really quite confused right now and no one will tell me anything. Oh Jesus, okay, we're moving, see you soon. No one would believe me if I told them this, good lord-"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Since I'm giving up my own precious time to listen to your message, please make it intriguing."

"Not intriguing, but necessary. I'm going to Asda after work, so what should I bring in for dinner tonight? You liked the risotto I made last time, shall I make that again? And don't give me your not-eating nonsense, because you didn't touch a thing yesterday so you'll eat tonight, even if I need to tie you up and force feed you. So let me know."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not feeling particularly enthusiastic about dealing with boring people today, so if you could get right to the point and then leave me alone, then that would be fantastic."

"Are you ever enthusiastic about dealing with people? And do you just change your voicemail message every morning? Just letting you know that I'm on my way home. I changed my mind about staying at Cathy's tonight, so you can quit huffing with me now. I'll be home in 20 minutes, and a cuppa would be lovely, if you felt like apologising to me over your little episode earlier. See you soon, you daft git. I'll stop at the shop and bring you those biscuits you like."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes, and I'm currently taking any and all distractions with the exception of marital affairs and lost items. Try not to bore me. Leave a message, or alternatively, call John. His number's on the website."

"It's me. I'm proud of you for not smoking, even though you did throw that ashtray at me. I'll forget it ever happened if you just clean up the kitchen, okay? It got in my shoes, Sherlock! Anyway... Phone me."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes, and if this is Mycroft again, then I just want to make it clear that I know approximately eight hundred and sixty two ways to kill someone without ever getting caught. Take the hint, you fat oaf."

"That message gave me a good giggle. I like that one. It's me, by the way. Listen, some bloke just showed up at the door with three crates of worms. Mind telling me what's going on? Where did you even manage to buy three crates of worms anyway, you absolute nutter?"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. You're probably smart enough to know what to do. If not, I despair for humanity."

"It's me. I'm making fish and chips for dinner tonight, be home at six if you want some! Listen... Be careful, okay? I know you said you'd be fine, but the thief stabbed the security guard after all, so just... watch out. Anyway. See you later."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and I'm probably ignoring your call for a reason, so phone John instead."

"Haven't I told you to stop getting people to phone me? Lestrade and I are having a few pints tonight, so let me know if you want to come. No karaoke this time, we promise."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and I'm probably ignoring your call for a reason, so phone John instead."

"Oh, Sh-erlock! That's a funny name, innit? Sher-lock. Sh'lock. And your brother, he's got a funny name too! Mycroft... My? My what? My head hurts a bit, Sherlock, so I'm coming home now. Are you sleeping? Don't be sleeping, be awake like me. I'm sad 'cause you didn't come tonight and it was fun and you missed it and it would be funner if you were there. Is funner a word? You'd know. You know everything. Well, most things. I like that you know-"

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and I'm probably ignoring your call for a reason, so phone John instead."

"Oi! Your phone cut me off! Tell it that was rude! I'm coming home now, can you get me some water if you're awake? And maybe some para- parmacetamol? I'm drunk. Oh, I'm coming Greg, hold on, lemme pay for half-"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes and I'm far too busy to deal with your mundane little problems right now. Go away."

"What on Earth did you hang up on me for? Don't ignore my calls, you prat. Did you hear me? Not guilty, Moriarty's out. So he'll be coming- Oh, damn. He's on his way, isn't he? Of course he is. Right, I'm getting a cab. My you-know-what is in the bottom drawer of my bedside table, under the- What am I saying, of course you know where it is. Be careful! I'm coming!"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. Either intrigue me or piss off."

"Sorry about nagging you earlier. I know you're having a bit of a hard time of it lately. Tell you what, we'll go to Angelo's later, alright? And get out of the flat for a bit. I think that's just what we need. Phone me back."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

"Mrs Hudson's fine, Sherlock, she hasn't been shot at all! I'm coming back. Don't do anything stupid and stay where you are, alright? Wait for me!"

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

"Sherlock, I... I just like hearing your voice sometimes."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

"I wish I could understand why you..."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."

"I wish you'd come back."

...

"You've reached Sherlock Holmes. I'm not taking on any new cases right now. If it's absolutely crucial and not mind-numbingly boring, phone John."