The first time Blaine felt it he squirmed in arousal though it was the realisation of what was happening that made him start to question whether he was ready for this or not. Their opinions on this matter had mostly been unvoiced apart from a brief conversation many months ago where they decided 'not to go south of the equator', as Kurt had put it. He brushed it off distracted by the feel of those hot lips pressed against his own.
He and Kurt were lounging across his bed having a lazy Saturday evening. His parents had gone out to a dinner party leaving them delightfully alone. It hadn't taken long for them to make their way to the privacy of Blaine's bedroom. Blaine was currently under Kurt, the older boy half on him, pressed down his right side as they kissed open mouthed. He felt something hard press against his hip again and he squirmed this time in embarrassment at the thought of Kurt being able to feel him too where he thigh was across his hips, he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet.
He sucked in a deep breath shocked as he fully understood what was happening for the first time. He was not ready for this. At all. He flushed red; he could feel his face burning. He broke the kiss and moved his head away trying to force himself to ask Kurt to stop, but Kurt just kissed down his neck instead. Blaine was frozen, conflicted by his feelings. It's not that he wasn't enjoying it, his body was evidence of that, he was just so shy! Thinking about this made him bury his face into Kurt's neck. He was so confused, aroused and embarrassed and didn't know whether he wanted Kurt to stop or not. It was then Kurt shifted his position and he felt that pressure on his hip again and Blaine realised he was really uncomfortable.
"Stop." He gasped out, overwhelmed by his emotions and sounding more than a little pained. In an instant Kurt had scrambled off him in a panic and wide eyed, spluttering as he looked at Blaine's face. He was looking anywhere but at him. Inside Blaine was scolding himself. Why did he have to feel this way? He loved Kurt and wanted to take this step with him. A first time was not something to be taken lightly though. It couldn't be taken back. He trusted Kurt but he was so uncomfortable in his own body and he just couldn't feel completely comfortable with Kurt until he was comfortable with himself. And it was just that Kurt was so damn beautiful, it made him so self-conscious.
"I'm so sorry, Blaine!"
Great, now Kurt was panicking. He wanted to tell him that it was okay and comfort him but he was not feeling his best right then and was worried if he opened his mouth he would burst into tears. The emotion and frustration was gathered in his throat making it feel hoarse as he tried not to cry. Kurt was still stumbling over his words.
"I know we agreed -" He was breathing hard and uneven, still obviously turned on and worked up from their make out session. Kurt let his head fall back onto the headboard with a quiet thump. He sat with his legs straight in front of him. Kurt's erection was clear through his skinny jeans, outlined obscenely and Blaine's eyes flew away suddenly trying to think of how he could cover himself. He was sat at the bottom of the bed, knee's tucked under him and pulling his shirt down desperately trying to hide his erection and staring at the duvet cover as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. He found the courage to look up and breathed deeply at the sight of Kurt, trying to calm down. He could tell that Kurt was deeply distressed too and it was pointless when his problem was not with Kurt but with himself. He didn't want Kurt to feel ashamed for being turned on from kissing him. He was actually quite flattered.
"It's okay." He whispered and sat onto his bum pulling his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself feel less awkward about the noticeable bulge in his trousers. The silence stretched and Kurt was not sure how to defuse the situation. Blaine was sat feeling like an ass and wishing he could just be like every other teenage boy and think with their crotches instead of his brain.
Kurt's blush covered his face and disappeared down his shirt as he noticed what Blaine was doing, he grabbed his shirt too and pulled it down stretching the fabric of his jumper to cover his jeans. He tried to pull his knees up and mirror Blaine but found his jeans were too tight so settled for grabbing a pillow and shoving it in his lap with a huff. He looked at Blaine and threw a pillow across at him with a giggle and before they had both realised what had happened they were hitting each other with the pillows and laughing uncontrollably. The tension evaporated and they were back to familiar territory again. With two identical smiles they returned to the top of the bed, sharing one of the pillows as Blaine found his place on Kurt's chest.
It was quiet again but the silent was comfortable, only the occasional sound of a giggle breaking free as they calmed from their silly behaviour. Kurt turned his head slightly to meet Blaine's gaze. "Honey, I'm not even sure what to say apart from that I'm sorry I tried to hump you."
"Kurt!" Blaine squeaked. "You can't just say stuff like that!" The blush coming back at full force, Kurt grinned and laughed again at the expression on his boyfriends face. He smiled so wide that his teeth were showing. "I shouldn't laugh, I just sometimes – I forget you are younger than me and that you may not be feeling exactly what I am. Or at least as strong." Blaine nodded understanding.
"I want too, I think about it. You just startled me, I thought we might talk about it first."
"Okay well, should we talk now?" Blaine didn't see a reason why not so he agreed.
"Let's talk. I'm just not sure what to say though."
Kurt nodded and hugged Blaine tighter to him. "How about I go first, I can say how I feel and then you can tell me how you feel so we can get on the same page here and then we can go from there."
Blaine nodded silently. "I just love you, Blaine. I just love you so much and sometimes I feel like there isn't a way to express it, I can never show you how you make me feel. But when we kiss I feel so close to you like we are part of something special, something better than anything I have ever experienced. And I guess I got lost in that, I am sorry."
Blaine smiled feeling touched by what Kurt had said, they didn't often talk like this and it was nice to try at least explain what they were feeling. Feelings tended to be a sensitive subject between the two, both of them having had difficult lives and finding it hard to open up to people. It wasn't always an issue between the two of them but when it came to these types of things the subject tended to remain untouched.
"The thing is, I feel the same." He was so happy that Kurt felt so deeply like he did. He had always been a bit oblivious until it had smacked him in the face. "I just- that was your cock!" Blaine laughed into Kurts shoulder, shocked at his own abruptness.
"At least you are finding some humour in the situation." Blaine scooted closer half lying on Kurt, their positions switched from earlier.
"I'm sorry I reacted that way, I was honestly just surprised, I didn't expect it. I didn't mean to freak out."
"No, I'm sorry, I should have said I was feeling this way. That I was thinking about these things." He sighed deeply; the guilt evident in his tone.
"Kurt, I mean, I think about these things too."
"Yeah, I meant what I said earlier and I want to, just when it comes to it, I panic."
"Well, this is new to us, I'm nervous too, I could never share this with anyone apart from you, Blaine. But God, everything feels so good and I want... more?"
"I know." Blaine contemplated what Kurt was saying; he did feel that too, he just was worried about what Kurt would think when he felt him or saw him without clothes on. Yes, they had Gym Class together but they tended to stay at opposite ends of the changing rooms as an unspoken rule. Kurt had never even seen him without a shirt on and showing him, taking down all these barriers, it scared him. If he was nervous about showing his chest to Kurt (which he actually thought was quite nice and loved to make the effort to keep it toned), then he would never be able to show him there a place that he was so self-conscious about he hardly looked himself.
"You know I wouldn't hurt you, right?" They laced their hands and watched as they connected and linked together.
"I know, I just worry."
Blaine stayed quiet.
"You know, you can tell me anything and I won't ever judge you and I won't be mad." Blaine nodded and bit his lip anxiously. "I know Kurt, I... The thing is, you startled me because – Well, I'm really short and everyone teases me about how small I am all the time, even if they are joking or if's a offhanded comment. I was worried you would say something or even think something and hurt my feelings. The truth is... I'm really insecure about my size."
Kurt frowned and ran his hand over Blaine gel slicked hair not caring it was covered in product. "Blaine, I know you are short, we have been together a while now, it would have been impossible not to notice and I quite like it."
Blaine lifted his head and stared pointedly at Kurt, his expression remained neutral, then shifted to confused as he continued to stare until finally he did understand and he felt like an idiot. He pulled out of their embrace and buried his face into his hands, withdrawing into himself. "I'm such an idiot," The muffled voice was still easily distinguishable. "I'm so sorry, baby." Blaine tried to pulle his hands away and Kurt moaned in annoyance. "Now I'm making this about me!" He dropped his hands down and looked at Blaine who was looking really uncomfortable and insecure. "I keep embarrassing myself, forgive me." He took the younger boys hands and pulled him into a hug. "I love you okay and I don't want to hurt your feelings but so we are definitely on the same page, you weren't talking about your height, right?" He whispered, almost ashamed to ask such a question when Blaine had been so painstakingly honest with him and opened up. He really did not want to rub salt into the wound. He felt Blaine nod against him and grip him tighter as if afraid he would go. "Because you know I don't care about that, right?" Blaine let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding and rested his head comfortably on Kurt's shoulder, this grip loosening to something comfortable instead of desperate.
"I knew it would be okay because we love each other, right?" Blaine mumbled and pulled back to look into Kurt's eyes.
"Right." Kurt agreed and leaned forwards kissing him sweetly on the corner of his mouth, his hand cupping the side of his face. Their breath mingled and they smiled as they rested their heads together. "And if you hadn't guessed, I kind of have a thing for small guys."
"I do now!" They both laughed.
"Thank you, Kurt."
"For being you, now let's snuggle and watch RENT."