Gwen's back. Didn't take long, admittedly, but hopefully her return shall bring a little more happiness to Camelot. They need it, after all :) Anyway, enjoy, me lovelies!

Episode Eleven – The Hunter's Heart

Hey, I think I've finally got used to the Dragon saying "man" instead of "boy" in his opening narration. Only took me eleven episodes ;)

I – Generic Village #42

Where life is general and Guinevere is shovelling. I wonder how much time has passed since the whole Lancelot incident? She's wearing her engagement ring around her neck, which is sweet, but I can't help thinking that's got to be a kind of weird self-torture, reminding you that you were exiled by your finance because you were Amortentia'd by a Bellatrix LeStrange cosplayer to snog your zombie ex...

But this peace and quiet can't last forever. Cue the bandits!

BANDITS *pillage and destroy and stuff*

GWEN *runs the hell for it*

Why didn't you take your pitchfork, Gwen? You could have whacked that bandit blocking your path with it!

BANDIT Grr! Fear my sword of swordness!

GWEN Damn these long dresses *trips over backwards*

OTHER BANDIT Wait!

I'm guessing he's the leader

LEADER BANDIT There's still some pleasure to be had here...

...

o_O

No comment.

GWEN Oh crap.

OPENING CREDITS... Still, seriously... That line... Saturday night... Family show... GAH MY BRAIN!

II – Merlin is rambling

It is adorable. Enough said.

ARTHUR Could you, please, shut up?

BEMUSED!MERLIN *is bemused*

In the council chambers:

ARTHUR My lords, knights, gentlemen and other people who are not women, our kingdom and some other one we've never heard of have finally stopped fighting over the land of Gedref

COUNCIL *casual muttering*

KNIGHTS *casual muttering* Who the scarf is Gedref, anyway? *casual muttering*

ARTHUR Oh, and to make it official I'm going to marry some chick

BEMUSED!MERLIN *even more bemused*

*sigh* Ah, I see that this is the series' official and required "Arthur + some other chick" episode. Why must we always have those? Oh yeah, Arthur/Gwen conflict.

MERLIN How come I wasn't told about you marrying some other chick?

ARTHUR Of course, I can't do it, oh, wait a minute! I'm the King, so I can!

Great line :)

Oh dear, oh dear, Merlin, let's press the guilt button called Guinevere. You know, because it isn't like Arthur (and Merlin, and Gwen, for that matter) don't need enough hugs already.

NO! Arthur threatened Merlin! Bad Arthur! Bad!

III – Erm, who be this bloke that we has never seen before?

Explanation? No? Okay then...

Well, whoever he is, he's just run into the original Mr. Unexplained himself, also known as Agravaine.

But he does have a sweet accent.

AGRAVAINE I can has thing that I asked for that I won't specify what it is, plsthnxby?

SERVANT GUY No, I cannot betray my master's trust. I'm sorry.

AGRAVAINE Well, shame that. STABBING!

SERVANT GUY *dies and is ded*

Noooo! He had a sweet accent! Who the heck was he, anyway?

AGRAVAINE Well, at least I was subtle *drags body away* Now to ride into the distance into the suddenly it is magically morning!

Where Morgana is either sorting out her potions bottles, really drunk or playing some strange form of bottle chess. Possibly all three.

MORGANA Plans for siege tunnels, y/y?

AGRAVAINE Erm...

MORGANA Why do I pay you, again?

I'll say this for Morgana; she does thinly veiled threats very well.

IV – Anyway, back to Gwen

In an outfit which is very un-British-medieval and I'm sure will be featured in many fanfics and fanarts for many weeks to come.

HELIOS Hi there pretty

GWEN Hello, I'm Guinevere and I'm going to give a thinly veiled insult for killing all those generic villagers in generic village #43

HELIOS Actually it was #42. 43 is next week.

GWEN Whatever.

HELIOS The youth of today are not always enthusiastic. Darned chavs. So, dinner, y/y?

V – Something ceremonial is happening in Camelot

And by that I mean the arrival of Decoy Arthur Love Interest #4, aka. Princess Mithian, accompanied by her knights in really dull coloured cloaks compared to the Camelot knights.

ARTHUR Knights of...

I didn't catch that name and I can't find it written anyway so I'm just going to shorten it, which conveniently makes this lot the Knights of Ni.

ARTHUR My pointy crown and I welcome you

Wow, Mithian came already dolled up in her wedding dress. Someone's eager.

ARTHUR Oooh, she's purdy

MERLIN *facepalm*

Gah, she stole one of Morgana's polar bear capes!

Stop it with the romantic music, soundtrack, nobody's fooled. Oh, and Mithian speaks mostly in vomit-inducing nonsense. Let's have another scene to balance this out. I think Merlin agrees with me, too.

Ah, back to Gwen and Helios and his dressing gown of pimpage. I'm beginning to wonder whether anyone else lives in this place. Seems not.

HELIOS I want to know all about you

GWEN Erm, long and mostly false story

HELIOS I have all night

GWEN Well, that was kind of sinister. I'd better make this story last...

Meanwhile, Agravaine is doing sneaking around and doesn't look happy about it. *snigger*

GWEN *Tells long and mostly false story*

HELIOS Well, you are my possible wife/possible servant/possible prostitute now, so...

SERVANT Lady Morgana, y/y?

Well, what a coincidence!

GWEN Oh bugger

HELIOS You okay?

GWEN I'm tired, may I go?

HELIOS Well dammit. Oh well, off you go

GWEN Phew. And thank goodness for the face-concealing veil on this otherwise rather-revealing-for-medieval-times outfit

And in sweeps Morgana, in order to play thinly-veiled-insult/threat tennis!

HELIOS Well, you may as well eat the food that my possible wife/possible servant/possible prostitute didn't seem to want to eat

MORGANA Whatevs. *goes on her "When I'm Queen of Camelot" rant*

HELIOS *sigh*

VI – Ah, Sir Leon has discovered the body of the servant guy formerly in possession of a sweet accent

AGRAVAINE I am totally shocked and saddened by this

LEON Poor boy must have lost his footing on that wall... And then fallen on his sword on the way down, considering that stab wound

AGRAVAINE Yeah sure... Erm, let's ask Gaius!

Wouldn't it be more useful to Agravaine just to say, "meh, he fell off a wall and he's dead. What a shame, let's bury him and forget all about it, tra-la-la-la-la I TOTALLY DIDN'T KILL HIM!"?

Meanwhile, Merlin is in sulking mode and Gaius is not impressed

MERLIN I'm not sulking, I'm thinking

GAIUS You know how bad that is for you. Just let Arthur marry Mithian, it won't do any harm

MERLIN But what about DESTINY?

DOOR *four knocks*

Gah! The Master is here- Oh, no; it's just Sir Leon, panic over :)

LEON So, this guy fell off a wall and we wanna know how he died

GAIUS By falling off a wall, surely? Meh, I'll come and look.

This is turning into CSI: Camelot. I thought this episode was called "The Hunter's Heart." For srs?

GAIUS Yup, he broke his neck. He must have died by falling off a wall, but there's no other injuries

WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKING STAB WOUND IN HIS STOMACH? OR THE BRUISING FROM WHERE AGRAVAINE WHACKED HIM WITH THE SWORD HILT? HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SHERLOCK HOLMES TO FIGURE THIS OUT!

SHERLOCK HOLMES What the what?

Hush, go away, Sherlock, you can come out again when Moffat and Gatiss decide to be nice and rid us of our bloody cliffhangovers.

GAIUS Oh look, a letter

AGRAVAINE MINE! To the King!

And in teh land of Arthurs:

AGRAVAINE So, this letter proves that he was totally a traitor to that Odin bloke. Also, he was the mapmaker's apprentice. You're welcome, audience ;)

ARTHUR Murder?

AGRAVAINE Erm... Siege tunnels, y/y? I'll start an inventory...

VII – And cut to Agravaine giving Morgana the siege tunnel plans.

And damn, does he look smug about it.

MORGANA I hope you do not disappoint me again, Agravaine

AGRAVAINE Well, thanks for putting a dampener on my happy moment

Morgana casts teh magics to put copy the map onto another piece of paper. It is fiery. I'm beginning to think that Morgana's magic is all automatically fiery after she set that sword on fire the other week.

Pretty effect is pretty.

VIII – Ah, a nice rowdy Camelot feast.

Now, that's my kind of feast :)

But Merlin is not so happy with Arthur's talking to Mithian and her puffy sleeves.

Okay, it's official. Merlin is an Arthur/Gwen shipper. He totally is. He writes fanfic of them in his room when he has nothing better to do. And you know what? I like that. You know why? Because it's funny and it kind of works. I mean, you could argue that it's just the writer's way of going "go away Merlin/Arthur shippers" by making Merlin such an avid Arthur/Gwen shipper but I don't care. I can still happily ship both. And besides, Merlin and Arthur's relationship is established now, that was the entire point of series 1 and 2 and I'm glad they've put so much effort into developing Arthur/Gwen. It means it doesn't feel shoehorned in and underdeveloped and weak like it was in series 2.

Besides, can anyone else say "OT3"? ;)

Anyway, that rant over... (I greatly apologise)

MERLIN I shall teh magics you and your soup

ARTHUR *soup spillage*

MERLIN Ha! Now let's see if Princess Fancy Sleeves likes you!

No, sorry Merlin, it didn't work.

And no, sorry writers. I'm not fooled. Not for one second.

It's a good thing that Mithian didn't spill the soup and then Arthur tried to wipe it off because that may have ended awkwardly.

AGRAVAINE Hello Arthur, I have come to get this plot rolling again. The vaults are secure and nothing was taken *shifty eyes*

ARTHUR Good. Now you shall dance for us, mwahaha!

AGRAVAINE Erm... Go back to the puppy eyes with Princess Fancy Sleeves please, sir

Anyway, it seems to be later on because he's escorting her back to her chambers.

MITHIAN And I totally love hunting

ARTHUR Awesome. Night then... Erm... Picnic? Tomorrow? Awkwardness

Merlin is not going to like this development. After all, picnics are an Arthur/Gwen thing.

IX – Teh sinister soundtrack is here. Methinks something evil is afoot

And her name is Morgana, and she has her siege plans for Helios.

GWEN Well, this is an unfortunate development

And then a rock falls and Gwen has escaped in record time. That was quick. So quick I'm not entirely sure I followed it properly. But what really matters is that angry!Morgana is angry... and worried.

MORGANA That dress! It could only be Gwen's, despite the fact that I'm sure many servants wear similar clothing. What is this serving woman's name

HELIOS Erm, its Guinevere. What of it?

MORGANA Well bugger that and bugger you. We must find teh Gwen!

Gwen... Word of advice... This is why you use aliases!

GWEN *ruuuuuuuuuns! And hides in a river, because silly bandits don't notice women in skimpy-for-medieval-times outfits hiding in rivers. It's a known fact*

X – Anyway, we can't have too much plot, back to the wacky hijinks of Arthur and his fake Love Interest!

Arthur is being awkward and Merlin is annoyed, but Arthur is wearing a nice coat and leggings and books and things.

At least Mithian is nice to Merlin. As far as false-romantic-interests for Arthur go, she's certainly the nicest, if a little bit too perfect. Meh, Vivian was still funnier and the one from last series who was a Changeling (really sorry I don't remember her name and can't be bothered to look it up) was the most likeable.

Sophia was just an evil bitch.

MERLIN *sulks behind a tree*

And then we have belching jokes, because for some reason this has turned into Shrek all of a sudden.

Anyway, it's obvious that Arthur and Mithian aren't going to get together (apart from the obvious reason called Guinevere) because they are far too awkward in their interactions.

XI – Anyway, that over, Morgana wants Guinevere found NOW. Please.

Helios would rather snooze. I think he's tired of all Morgana's weirdness.

Gwen, on the other hand, is camping out alone in the forest and I feel very sorry for her.

XII – And that was the shortest scene I think I've ever written

Merlin is continuing to sulk and Gaius is sure that something is wrong and ignoring Merlin. But Merlin has to go hunting now, so we're going to ignore whatever he thinks is wrong.

Anyway, Mithian has something to say to Merlin.

MERLIN I am a good person because I don't like hunting because of animal rights and stuff

MITHIAN You don't like me, do you?

MERLIN Erm...

MITHIAN I'm sure you have a good reason

MERTHUR FANS AND ARTHUR/GWEN FANS YES HE DOES!

Wow, they agreed on something for a change. That's amazing. Go screenwriters, do it again! This fandom may become united yet!

Mithian has common sense

MITHIAN Arthur's a loveable person

Yeah, he is ;)

MITHIAN Can you give me a chance? Please?

MERLIN Well, your tone of voice was a little patronising but... Yeah, sure, go for it.

XIII – Morgana is on a horse. Look at her horse, her horse is amazing...

*cough* Anyway...

Wow, Gwen's campfire caused a lot of smoke. But she has heard Morgana's amazing horse!

GWEN *ruuuuuuuns! Again*

MORGANA Come out, come out, wherever you are *evil smirk*

Ah, there it is! I was wondering where that had got to.

Gwen, you're on foot and Morgana is on a horse. Why not swerve off into the thick trees where she can't follow you, because there is no way you are going to be able to outrun a freaking horse

MORGANA Especially one as amazing as mine.

Also, Gwen appears to be running at night and Morgana at around mid-evening. What the what?

MORGANA Hi there! The path to Camelot is that way, you know.

GWEN *runs off*

MORGANA *sigh* Had to do this the hard way, didn't you? *teh magics*

Is Morgana's special magical skill telekinetic-ing people into trees or what?

XIV – Hello, very loud hunting party. Well done in scaring away all the animals before you can get anywhere near them :)

MORGANA I'm still here. Hm, let's tear off this engagement ring, because I'm spiteful like that... Oh damn, a hunting party. Bleh. Oh well, this gives me an idea *teh magics*

GWEN *glowing*

Ooh, shiny.

Meanwhile:

MERLIN I really hate hunting. We haven't found anything, possibly due to the bloody racket we're making. Seriously, that just seems counterproductive.

LEON Hey look, a deer!

MERLIN *facepalm* I really can't be bothered *wanders off on his own*

But wait! Merlin finds the deer and *el gaspeth* it's actually Gwen! By the way, the thing with the reflections of the deer and Gwen in Merlin's eyes is really cool and they should do effects like that more often. What is not so cool is that Gwen is crying and that makes me sad. Also, he can see Gwen's reflection when the deer walks past a convenient puddle.

ARTHUR Slo-motion hunting!

MERLIN Oh, bugger

LEON Sire, she's yours

Heh. Irony.

ARTHUR Crossbow!

MERLIN No!

AUDIENCE NO!

ARTHUR/GWEN FANS VERY MUCH NO!

MERLIN *teh magics*

Ha! He missed

MITHIAN I thought you were a good shot, my lord. *crossbows* A gold sovereign says she's hit!

Mithian, dear... I know you don't know that's anything other than a deer but... You bitch.

MERLIN Very much 'oh bugger'

And a second later he's way ahead of the whole hunting party. And blimey, Gwen's gone quite far considering she's probably got an arrow in her.

ARTHUR What is this? *picks up engagement ring* Well, this is doing nothing good for my guilt complex

MITHIAN You found the trail? My lord? Hello? Can you hear me? Are you alive? My lord?

ARTHUR No more hunting today

MITHIAN Damn

MERLIN Well, thank goodness for that.

XV – And by the time its night he acquires a horse and is off searching for Gwen

By which, I mean he rides through the forest yelling her name loudly. Luckily, when he finds her she has turned back into herself and has an arrow in her leg. Blimey, she did manage to get quite far. With an ARROW. IN. HER. LEG. Now that is determination.

MERLIN *pulls out arrow and heals her with teh magics*

... Wait... So does Gwen know he has teh magics now?

Nope, she's unconscious, so they'll probably use that as an excuse. Especially as by the time she wakes up in the morning she's completely surprised to see Merlin.

GWEN HUGS!

Yay for hugs!

MERLIN You were injured

GWEN Yes, and I'm not anymore. Weird. Where's Morgana? She was going to attack Camelot through the siege tunnels and by the way, Agravaine is totally evil, erm, what's that?

Oh dammit, Gwen, if you go and tell Arthur what you know about the invasion and you're proved right then Arthur will probably forgive you. Especially if you go whilst you're wearing that outfit. Oh well, I guess it's up to Merlin then...

XVI – Unfortunately, Arthur is not happy about being spoken to today

ARTHUR I has guilt-rage! Grr!

MERLIN But... Agravaine... Evil... Siege tunnels

ARTHUR Don't be ridiculous. Look, here are the siege tunnel plans

And then the director is mean in making us think that he won't find them and Agravaine will be discovered but he does and its mean.

Oh, and here's an incontinently timed Agravaine.

AND STOP THREATENING MERLIN WITH EXILE!

Please.

Damn, Arthur has some anger management problems this episode.

AGRAVAINE *evil smirk at Merlin*

Hey! You stole Morgana's thing.

And so Arthur sits alone on his bed being guilt ridden. Nope, I'm not going to feel sorry for him after he threatened Merlin the way he did. That was just overly mean. Plus, I'm still bitter about the whole Lancelot thing.

MERLIN Is this a bad time?

ARTHUR Not for being philosophical

MERLIN *facepalm*

ARTHUR What the heck am I supposed to do?

MERLIN Well, if you're going to be existential, I may as well be existential right back at you

ARTHUR Thanks for that.

Odd scene.

XVII – And so, Mithian, once again dressed in her polar bear cape, is off back to her own Kingdom

But luckily, Arthur and his pointy crown are giving her the lands of Gedref, so that's okay.

KNIGHT Who teh scarf is Gedref, anyway?

MITHIAN So, who is this woman?

ARTHUR No one and everyone

MITHIAN Wow. Riddles. Great. Thanks

ARTHUR Daughter of a blacksmith?

MITHIAN Fair enough. I'm just going to go home with a heavily implied broken heart then. Bye, Arthur.

Later that night:

ARTHUR ... I'm beginning to think that exiling Gwen was a mistake

MERLIN Well at least you worked that out. Meh, you'll see her again.

ARTHUR How can you be sure?

MERLIN ... Destiny?

OH GOD! HE'S BECOME ONE OF THEM!

GREAT DRAGON *sniggers, drinks coffee*

ARTHUR *sees nothing weird about Merlin calling him 'The Once and Future King'*

And there we have it :)

NEXT TIME...

This trailer is epic, for some reason Arthur briefly imitates 300, we have Morgana lounging evilly in the throne of Camelot (because it is the law that all evil people in thrones must sit in an obviously evil fashion), and Agravaine following the "cool guys don't look at explosions" rule. That is all, and I can't wait!

:D

Obvious edit is obvious: And yeah, the finale was pretty awesome when it happened, wasn't it?