A/N: I read a few fics where the guys get caught, mostly by Michael and Ted (for technical obvious reasons) but none of those stories went with the anger/ embarrassed angle. I think that while Brian would probably laughed it off if they were to get caught fucking (Brian being on top), he would be embarrassed and a bit resentful if they got caught making love. Add to this the toppy!Justin factor and you get a big mess! I really do not think that if it had to ever happen Brian would be cool with that. I didn't chose a voyeuristic angle, because it's not what the person seeing them in action would see and think that interested me, but more the consequences for the two lovers.
PG-13:This is mostly Justin trying to reason Brian (why oh why does he keep on trying?), so there is no heavy action. Sorry to disappoint :)
"Oh Shit! Get out! Michael, get out of here! Go! Shit!" Yells Justin.
Michael seems to find his brain back and retreats quickly, but the damage is already done. Brian is livid. Not angry livid, but desperate livid.
Justin eases out as softly as he can and as soon as he's out, Brian brings the sheet to cover him.
Shit. Brian is nothing near modest. This is bad. Justin can feel it, the uneasiness, the embarrassment, crawling under Brian's skin. He sees it in the way Brian clenches the sheet tightly, the way he avoids Justin's eyes. The way his face is expressionless, the way he's trying to control his ragged breathing. He knows it's bad because Brian do not talk about bottoming. Ever. Not about doing it, even when he is doing it. Not even about his previous experiences. They don't talk about it. Brian never says anything about it to anyone and there is a reason for that. Not only he's a stud, the ultimate top of gay Pittsburg, but also because bottoming places him in a very vulnerable position and Brian would not be perceived as vulnerable by anyone, even his closest friends; certainly not Mickey, who should always see him as a hero, a very manly man. It's stupid and crazy because he's gay, all of them are gay and if anyone can understand the want, the need to have a cock up the ass it's all of them. Michael and Emmett are notoriously pure bottoms. Justin and Ted are also known to take it up the ass more often than not. Even Ben bottoms. Brian can certify of that. And Ben is very manly and an established top. From Justin's point of view, Brian should not feel ashamed for taking it up the ass once in a while – rather, once in a long while. But Justin cannot really know the ramifications Brian is creating in his mind. And he will consent that the situation is unprecedented. Surely no one ever caught Brian Kinney getting fucked. Justin guesses that once the surprise and shock of knowing, really knowing and not just guessing or assuming, that Brian is actually bottoming like the rest of all gay men in the world has faded, there is still the fact that knowing a fact or imaging in your head is totally different from seeing it.
Justin also knows that Michael did not just catch them fucking –which strangely did not really ever happen before: before the act? Yes. After? Yes. Sort of going at it, kinda. Fucking, fucking? No- No, he caught Justin doing the fucking, and more importantly, he caught them making love. And that's what seems to disrupt Brian so much. Brian is fine fucking guys all over the place in front of everyone. He really doesn't care at all. Fucking Justin in front of everyone? He cares a bit. He wouldn't do it everywhere and in front of everyone. Backrooms, bathhouses are fine. Strangers are most appreciated. Friends and family? Not so much. They don't care if they know that they are doing it on the other side of the door, as long as the door is closed. And Justin knows why, though Brian is most likely to deny it. It's because they are not just fucking. They are not just fuck buddies. There is so much more to the two of them together, sweating and panting, than just sex. Even when it's wild and hard, it's never impersonal.
The young man guesses that Brian would have been annoyed to be seen fucking Justin by a pair of familiar eyes. He would have given the usual response: "I don't like being interrupted", the one he gives when he's with tricks, but Justin would have known he would have been a bit angry too to have privy eyes watching them naked and tangled together. It would already have been pretty bad if Michael –or anyone- had caught them making love, with Brian on top, because Justin is sure that Brian does not want anyone, friends or strangers, to ever seen him like that. The blond likes that. He likes to be special. He likes to know that Brian does make a difference between what they do with tricks or what they do when they want to have fun and what they do when they want to feel connected.
So, as Justin discerns all that without having it been explained by Brian, he knows how critical the situation is right now. Brian will refuse to talk about it with anyone. Brian will deny caring. He will not be able to look at Justin and even less at Michael for a long time. Justin is obviously afraid that Brian will not bottom again in a very long time. For Justin, Brian is fucking traumatized.
He would have laughed about the concept of Brian been traumatized, would have laughed at the entire situation if he didn't fear that it would make Brian withdraw even more. The man is presently smoking cigarette after cigarette at a furious pace, probably trying to calm his nerves.
Justin tries to think about something to say. He tries to imagine what must be going on in that pretty little head of his. He can see the thoughts rushing behind hazel eyes and knows when they come to an abrupt stop when Brian's face freezes.
He moves closer to Brian and starts the pep talk with a pathetic "It's okay Brian. "
Said Brian shoots him a death glare. Usually, it would have been enough to make him back off, but right now Justin knows that he needs to play down the all thing, before it blows out of proportion – and the proportion is already quite immense in Brian's mind.
"I'm sure he didn't see anything…"
"Really? Because I think he got an eyeful of your cock in my ass."
"You were mostly hidden."
"Come on Justin, Mic… he's not stupid. I think he understood very well what was going on. He wouldn't have frozen in place if he hadn't."
Fuck, he can't even say Michael's name. Think, Justin, think!
"Brian, there is nothing to be ashamed of."
A fugitive glare and a deprecating snort follow that statement, but Justin is determined to get his point across.
"Michael wouldn't judge you on that. He's a bigger bottom than Emmett!"
Apparently that argument did not have hold on Brian.
"Look, I know you feel humiliated…"
"Don't tell me how I feel! You don't know shit! I'm not…"
"First of all, don't you yell at me, I'm trying to help. Secondly, I know damn well how you feel. It's written all over your face!"
"Of course, Sunshine knows everything, don't you Sunshine? Now tell me, Dr Freud, what do I feel right fucking now?"
"Well, your angry stare is a big give away. You're angry. You're angry at Michael for entering in the loft without knocking or waiting, or… fuck I don't even know if he did knock. And you are angry at me, obviously, even though you have no reason what so ever, because I didn't plan any of that and you should remember when you're done with your drama queen moment, that I too got caught by Michael, who for sure had an extremely good view of my ass. You think you are angry at me because we got caught while I was fucking you, but let me remind you something, you jerk, you let me fuck you. YOU. And that brings me to your main target. Most of all, you are angry at yourself. You are angry that you let me fuck you, that you allowed yourself to get fucked, which is, let me tell you right now, okay and not a big deal if you don't make it a big deal. You are angry because you let yourself being caught in that position –which is also stupid because neither are you or I omniscient and therefore could not have guessed- and you are also mad because you were enjoying it until that point. You enjoy getting fucked and it kills you that you got caught, that Michael saw you and now know that you enjoy it. Well, let me make this easy. He's been your best friend since you were 14. You're gay. He's gay. He knows, even if maybe you never told him –which I would find ludicrous as you discovered sex around the same time you met- that you did bottom at least once in your fucking life. He knows you're a top but I don't think he thought you never ever bottom anymore. Like you said, he's not stupid! You and I have being together for years…"
" …no matter what you say… " Justin adds when Brian finally decides to look at him in the eye, and not at his mouth or at a point beside or behind him, as if he was contesting the fact.
"… and the guys know that I'm versatile. I doubt they think of me as someone who would never try and succeed to get you to roll over –hello, have you met me? I'm a persistent shit. Anyway, I don't think Michael, or you for that matter, will die knowing that you do indulge in a stiff prick. We just offered him pretty wild images to jerk off to. I'm sure he's thought of worse things than you rolling over for me, to get off. You're not a hero Brian, you are a human being and human beings have needs. Gay men have needs that involve a hard thick cock in their ass. And let me tell you that despite all that, I do understand that you feel like shit and embarrassed. But I'm also hurt that you'll feel humiliated…"
"I didn't say that, you did!"
"… I know what I said, and I know I'm right because I'm onto you Brian; since that first night. I know how you think, how you see yourself. How you give yourself unattainable goals, how hard you try to maintain your image of an untamed beast, the alpha top. Well fuck that shit! Fuck your fucking image. I bottom for you all the time, Brian! Every day! And everybody knows that! Every single one of them knows that I take it up the ass! I don't even know them but they know I love having in deep inside me. Do you even asked yourself once, do you even care how that makes me feel?..."
"… I'm not finished!"
He takes a deep calming breath and…
"I don't care, Brian. I don't care what they think, what they know or think they know. I do bottom and I do love it. You taught me to never be ashamed of whom I am, of what I do. Well, I'm gay and I love cock; yours in particular, especially when it's in my ass. You fucked me in front of… probably hundreds of guys. I never complained. Was I ever humiliated? Fuck no! But I was humiliated dozens of other times when you were hurtful and nasty to me, in front of everyone…"
Brian has the decency to lower his head.
"…like you are right now."
Brian's head snaps back up. Justin sees the confusion, so continues his explanation.
"…you are mortified because I was fucking you. I'm not anybody Brian. I'm your partner. It's my right and duty to make you feel good. The same way you always do to me. I'm hurt that you'll feel so awful because I was expressing my love for you and someone saw that. I think you are the only one who would not see it as hot and powerful and fucking NORMAL!..."
"Justin, it's not that…"
"…yes, it is. You never want to talk about it. I'm forbidden to mention it. You'll always make a fuss before I'm allowed to do anything. We have to pretend it never happens. You always refrain yourself from fully enjoying it, and god knows what would happen if you'd ever show me you appreciate it one little bit. It would probably be the end of the world!..."
Brian can't hold back a tiny smile and, when Justin catches it, he relaxes a bit and a discrete smile appears on his face as well.
"…Look I know it's not easy but we had to talk about it one day. Today is as good as any."
"And yes, …" He says when Brian opens his mouth. "…I'm doing all the talking right now but god, I've been holding that back for years now, and fuck, it feels good! Now that it's all in the open, I have one question. Just one."
Brian looks at him in the eye, waiting for the question, looking like he's at a hearing and waiting for his sentence to be pronounced.
"Would you have felt that bad if you had got caught with someone else? If… it hadn't been me fucking you?
The last part is said just above a whisper, hurt so clear and on display for Brian to see. They never talked about Brian bottoming and they sure as hell never talked about Brian bottoming for anyone else. Until now, Justin wasn't sure if he could have handled knowing. He didn't want to hear that Brian did, in fact, bottom for other guys, despite them being together –even if it's together in an unconventional, undefined and unofficial way- because even though they do not have a rule for that -and most certainly should not, as they are both allowed to do what they want with their own body-, Justin selfishly does not want Brian to get fucked by anyone else but him, especially when it's already so damn hard to get him to roll over. He wasn't sure that he could handle either the relief or joy of knowing for certain something he's been hoping for, and kinda guessing, for the past years. Why would Brian get fucked by someone else when he's already so reluctant to do it for and with the man he loves and who loves him back, and when he has his own private stallion at home, willing to sacrifice (and what a sacrifice!) for him anytime? He also never heard anyone say that they have had Brian Kinney, and that is kind of a give-away as Justin doesn't know any fag who would shut up and pass the opportunity to brag about having fucked the stud of Liberty Avenue. Though, he guesses, Brian could have chosen out-of-towners or made the lucky tricks sign a non-disclosure agreement. Yeah, that is definitely something Brian would do. That had to be the way Brian did it before having Justin in his life.
As Justin waits for the big reveal he starts to want to backpedal and retract his question. He's almost wishing that Brian blows him off with his usual "not of your business" statement. Actually, for once, Brian would be right. It isn't any of his business. But somehow Justin still wants his answer. Brian has to known what his answer will do to Justin. He has to know that no matter what they both say about being non-exclusive and free to do what they want, no matter the fact that Justin knows Brian loves him and tricks mean nothing else than disposable one-time-meaningless-fucks, it would still matter to the young man. Brian getting his need fulfilled by someone who does not matter, does matter to Justin. It means Brian doesn't get what he needs from him or is purposefully still trying to keep him at distance. On the other hand, Brian also probably knows that claiming bottoming only for Justin is dangerous. He would see it as a commitment of some kind. He would see it as Justin meaning a lot more than Brian is usually inclined to admit. Justin isn't sure Brian is willing or ready to admit anything either way.
"Justin, please stop making this about you, okay? It's not. It's about Mickey not respecting the boundaries…"
"Boundaries, since when do you have boundaries?"
"Look, he should know better than come in like that. He hadn't done it in a long time. I hate it when they just barge in like that. They have no respect for privacy what so ever!"
Justin can't hold back a laugh. Brian is so funny sometimes. He isn't even doing it on purpose, but Justin has been a witness of Brian barging into everyone's house for years. Brian is the one with no respect for privacy. He might have witnessed and interrupted a lot of fucking session in all those years. But Justin can't also stop himself from being a bit flattered. He remembers a time when all their friends used to come into the loft without warning too. He recalls thinking "Who the hell would just enter into someone's house without even so much as a knock?" He was also annoyed to see that Brian, despite protesting about being interrupted, never took the time or the interest to lock the door. But back then, he couldn't really complain as he took advantage of the unlock door a few times himself. When he started living at the loft he took Brian's bad habit and never used the latch. He thought about the times people caught them in a making out sessions or in their underwear… Before today he never realized that, with time, uninvited guests got fewer and fewer. Not only people came less to the loft, but they also took the time to buzz the intercom or knock and wait for them to open the door. Thinking of it, the explanation is quite simple. Brian had been single for all those years –god, they all had been singles back then (except for the munchers) – and they all took the habit to be together, share everything together. They didn't have to care about bothering anyone's boyfriend or disturbing couple-ly moments. But with time, they all came to realize and accept Justin's presence in Brian's life and Ben's in Michael and that they couldn't just act like they used to anymore. They had other people's need for privacy to take into consideration. So, yeah, Brian being upset that someone entered the loft without waiting for them to answer, entering knowing full well that if someone does not answer it might be on purpose –like they are busy-, means that he has –they both did- gotten used to have their privacy. The fact that they did not lock the door, even when it became clear that they were going to fuck, but most importantly that Brian was going to be the one lying down, shows that they also got used to have some alone time. Brian being upset means that he enjoys those alone times and doesn't want them to be interrupted. It's quite flattered for the blond. How many more times do they need to get caught before finally learning to lock their door? After Brian's freak out, Justin would say: none. Lesson learned.
So, yeah, Justin is happy to know that Brian wants what they shared in bed to stay between the two of them, but also a bit upset that Brian would be ashamed of what they have. Plus, it's Michael. Michael. The poor guy learned a long time ago that this was not just about sex.
Brian is now facing a most dreaded question. He has to answer one way or the other, unless he chooses to avoid answering once again. For a guy who can usually be brutally honest, he certainly has a way to avoid pronouncing declarations about any type of emotion or about his attachment to Justin and/or to their relationship.
Justin's thoughts are racing at such a speed that he doesn't realize he spaced out for a moment. Brian is looking pointedly at him, reminding him with only a look that he's the one who wanted to know, who wanted to talk about… grrrr… feelings.
"Look, I'm not like you Justin. Sometimes I wish I were, because it would make think easier for us, for you, but I can't. It's not going to change. I will never… it's not who I am. I'm gay, you don't have to remind me that, but it doesn't mean I like to broadcast what we do in bed…"
Justin throws him a knowing look, pretty sure Brian can recall that he's not really shy about his sexuality or what he does to and with tricks.
"…not that. And I have you known that I never disclose what you and I do. Ever. "
Again, Justin is quite touched. Somehow he already knew that. Still, it's nice to have it confirmed.
"… it's not anyone's business; unless we make it. We chose when and where … and how. I'm not ashamed of you. I'm not. You're… well you know, but it doesn't mean I want everybody else to know it too. I'm not happy Michael saw us because he just shouldn't have. He shouldn't have showed up at the loft like that, knowing full well that we might be busy, he shouldn't have been there. He shouldn't have seen that. I'm not sorry that I don't like to have an audience…"
"For you." He's not mad. He's just stating a fact. Brian does like to have an audience. But like Justin said before, when it's the two of them together, it takes place with some implicit rules. Both have to be in the mood and then it's just fucking. They wouldn't be making love. And Justin will always be the one taking it. That is always implied too.
"Yeah. May has it been with someone else, I would have reacted the same way. Some things about me, some… parts of me are not for everyone to see and share."
Justin nods. He understands. He really does.
"I …I only share some of them with… you."
Of course. Of course he couldn't say: "Justin, here is the answer to your question: I don't get fucked by other guys. I only share that with you". But does it really matter? Brian answered and he gave the only answer that could completely and utterly make Justin happy.
Watching his lover's face tensing up with that revelation, Justin wonders if Brian would ever stop looking like a lost kid when expressing his feelings. His eyes are lost, his lips hidden inside his mouth. His arms and hands hang there like they have surrendered to a puppeteer, to do as he wishes with them. It must be like that in Brian's mind: he surrenders to Justin and throws himself on his mercy. Justin's heart aches for this man who is unable to totally give up his protective shell.
So Justin tries his best to be kind, without being obvious about it. No matter what people think, the strongest of the two in this particular relationship is Justin. Justin can express his feelings. He can express his contentment or discontentment. He can tell Brian he loves him, wants him, needs him, loves it, wants it and needs it. Justin doesn't feel like he has to constantly protect himself from his partner. He doesn't have an impossible status to maintain. And Justin can leave, will leave, had left, when it's too much and he can't take it anymore. Brian can't. Justin knows all of that. Justin is secure regarding his position in Brian's life.
Now that he took everything from his lover and there is nothing else to say, Justin thinks it's time to give back. As he lowers himself and crawls towards Brian, he takes hold of the sheet. As he gets closer, his smile grows wider. Inch by inch Brian's naturally tanned body reveals itself. It might take all day but Justin will make sure Brian walks out of the loft with his head high. Brian will be back to his confident cocky self in no time and will be able to face Michael. In an hour or two, he will laugh at himself for that "momentary freak-out". 'Sunshine, I did not freak out, where the hell did you get that? You, on the other end, made a speech worthy of the Academy awards. You and Emmett should open a drama class for all the drama queens of the Pitts', he will say, reversing the situation as he always does.
Yes, Brian will be fine, just fine, very soon. They'll probably be able to joke about it in a near future –not so near though, and certainly not with Mickey. However, Justin will remember that Brian is far more fragile that he will ever admit or let it show. Brian is broken. A broken boy who's afraid no one will love him anymore if he's not the coolest of all the kids, if they see how broken and scared and vulnerable he is. It's no secret to Justin and Michael, but they'll let Brian believe he got them fooled a little while longer.
In the meantime, Justin can only hope that Michael keeps his mouth shut. Surely, he can do that now, can't he? He grew up a lot. Unless he, also, is traumatized…
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. Property of Cowlip